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depressed..angry..an can't express it
August 1, 2001
6:36 am
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Anonymous
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i don't actually believe this stuff works. having strangers give u advice for problems they can't even begin to understand since they have no clue about anything to do with u...but i dunno..i guess i've reached a point where i just need SOMEONE..ANYONE..to tell me anything. i've always been the fun outgoing type, that never let things get to me. i don't get depressed..coz i hate it..as cold as it sounds i hate being around it..so i wouldn't let myself sit an dwell..instead i guess..i'd take it out on others, or just change it into anger. My family always tell me i have a really bad temper. thing is, unlike most people here, i've had a relatively normal 16 years upto now..no huge problems / issues..then all of a sudden, everything starts to fall apart. My father passed away in April. an that's triggered a lot of issues an emotions...an i have absolutely no clue how to even begin dealing with all of it. i've realised i have a really big problem expressing my feelings, putting my thoughts into words, talking to people about things that upset me, or just showing my emotions to anyone. I ridicule myself when i begin to open up...not to everyone..i guess i do talk to 1 or 2 people..but to most people i'm just completely shut, cold, and angry. i haven't had a brilliant relationship with my parents..in fact..usually i sum it up as "i'm the black sheep, thats always been a disappointment an always will be, an thats stuck. everything i do is always wrong, an i'm always the one to blame"...sounds pathetic an usual i know. i dunno..thats the thing..even writing all this stuff i don't actually feel like i've gotten to what my real problems are..i don't even know where to begin. i sit an think about things..an i can't even control my thoughts enough to know what i'm thinking. i don't even make sense to myself. i don't understand myself sometimes..i can't sit there an cry when i think about my dad, an whats happened..but then one day i get really angry an scream an shout..an cry...an then an hour later i don't know why i acted like that. what bothers me most is how everyone now keeps saying how they've changed an grown becoz of whats happened..an i feel like i should change things within me..how i act..just sit an deal with myself. but i don't know how. it feels like everything's going wrong in my life...relationship-wise..i'm very synical..i never give anyone the chance to get close coz either i find their faults an they get to me..or i just don't trust any of the guys i meet in that sense..i feel like no one's genuine. basically its really bothering me now..that i can't even "know" whats going on inside me. if anyone even understands any of this..that'd be a good start!

August 1, 2001
9:53 am
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buttercup
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I know exactly how you feel because I am like you, accept older (40). The longer you hold those feelings in and don't deal with them the more numb you will become. I have learned that we become numb (shut people out) not allow them to get close because our needs of love and trust were not met when we were young. Its sad and makes us very angry people with scattered thoughts and hard to focus. How can a person really focus when all that garbage is inside us. It will help you to see a good counselor. It will help to reach those feelings as scary as it seems. Good luck to you.

August 2, 2001
6:23 pm
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worrywart
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I hear what your saying,I'm 26 and I feel the sameway.It's like your reading my mind. I would help you but I need help myself. The thing is that I chose today do it.

August 2, 2001
10:08 pm
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Anonymous
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I can relate to all of you, I must say you need to get help and correct the issues you are having. I too am the black sheep of my family. I am supposed to be the strong one with no worries in the world, when ever there is a funcion or get together I am expected to be there since I am the life of the party. I now know that I held feelings in for many years and I am falling apart. I tried to live up to everyone's expectations. I never needed a shoulder to cry on, I was always the supporter. I lost the love of my life through a poor desicion (you can read about it later, it is an intresting story posted about a week ago) That decision was made poorly because I did not know how to handle what I was feeling. I see a psychtheapist once a week now and I have only been to 2 session and I am already starting to feel better. Last Wed night I was at the end of my rope, I am thankful I held on and got the help I needed. Please Do not feel ashamed or feel like it is not usefull to post here. The postings have helped me through each night. So keep reading, find professional help and someone that you can talk to and let it all hang out. My girlfriend of 13 years seen me cry and carry on for the 1st time last Thursday. I never shown my weak side until now and you know what it felt good because now I know my weakness and I am working to be a stronger person. Good luck.

August 3, 2001
4:11 pm
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Cici
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Here's the deal: no major problems up until now means that you had no reason or impetus to LEARN the coping skills necessary to deal with this. That's what's happening now, you are learning the coping skills, and it sucks. It hurts. It's painful. It pisses you off.

But suffering makes you grow. It forces you to examine yourself and learn and move forward in your emotional development. If you lived in a bubble, surrounded by people who always loved you and who never went away, what kind of emotional depth would you have?

Have trouble expressing anger? Get a punching bag. Write in a journal, not anything coherent, just the thoughts that flow from your head in a jumble. A big help is just to get rid of the excess energy that surrounds any strong emotions. Get rid of the energy, suddenly it's easier to verbalize what you feel. Strong emotions cloud judgement and cognitive processes, so get rid of their strength. Deflate them. When the violent storm receded, only then can you puff up your sails on the calmer ocean and navigate through your emotions.

August 7, 2001
5:06 pm
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retard
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I am more your age with similar pproblems to an extent
my freind who is joining keeps a diary and writes everything down it helps her when she comes she will help you lots! but I have alot of ANger not from much I never knew my dad, and until recently i was kinda pleaseant but now I phsysically abuse one of my close freinds really badly sometimes (yesterday i sprayed air freshner in his eys)! just over nothing much. Me and my Argue as a norm. And i am gettin counselling when Scohol restarts and readin anger management books and now joined this site. THink Happy thoughts THink positive thoughts

I cant use words well Hope I hoped

the road to calm has many turns!

August 7, 2001
5:10 pm
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retard
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ooopsss I meant me and my Mum argue as a norm soz!

August 7, 2001
6:08 pm
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antisocial_sociopath
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You know, I know what it's like to not be able to express yourself and feel sad my advice.

Write it down, write it in a diary just put it away somewhere so that you cant crawl up with it anymore.

it may not be much but it's a start

August 8, 2001
12:49 pm
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malaikau
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Dear "Don't Know",

It sounds like you are really overwhelmed right now! The things you're describing in your life are very intense and it's normal for you to be in a place where you feel upset all the time. This might sound crazy, but sometimes just giving yourself permission to feel what you feel can be a new beginning. I understand that you want to know why you feel what you feel, but sometimes those answers only come after a long process.

I think we are taught in this society, especially as women, that anger in an inappropriate emotion or response to a situation. I don't believe that anger is inappropriate in and of itself--but some of our methods for coping with anger can lead to more anger, frustration, and guilt than we had before.

Something I am always telling my clients is "Wherever you are, well, that's where you are." In otherwords, just try to be where you are, give yourself to experience the present--really connect to what you're feeling and what's happening in your life. I liken it to stopping on a path just to look around at what trees, rocks, or buildings are surrounding you. Make a mental picture of your emotional environment, and then you can more easily choose what direction you want to take next. I think sessions with a counselor might really help you to choose the path that's best for you. Is there any chance of this happening for you?

I hope you are finding some support and relief here!

Sincerely,

Mal

August 10, 2001
4:52 pm
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Anonymous
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hmm..ok now i understand how this site helps. Didn't really think it would - but it really does feel somewhat relieving knowing there's ppl out there that relate an understand what i'm feeling. Thats exactly what i need right now, someone to give me an explanation to what i'm feeling, coz i most defenitely feel overwhelmed. I heard it somethin recently, an i thought, thats EXACTLY how i feel..if i could sum it up in a sentence..its like "everything's different now, but nothing's changed". I feel like my father's death has stirred up a lot of issues, with me an myself, an my relationships with everyone from my mum to my closest friends an sisters....but its like all these feelings an emotions have been awakened, an they're screaming for me ot sort things out, an i don't know how. i've realised these problems with my mother probably can't be solved..thats just how we are, a family that has a wall blocking off any display of emotion towards each other...an now that we need it the most, its too late to change that, an its making me resentful. I feel like everything's changing so fast. My dad's gone, my friends r changing, some of my closest friends have drifted away, my dad's family showed their true colours, so many permanent changes. Its like this is where i'm expected to 'grow up' all of a sudden, an i don't want to. An the scariest thing of all is, i've realised, i have subconcious thoughts i didn't know about..that i only discovered recently which scare me so much...i have this constant fear hanging over my head of when i'm gonna die. Thats all i ever think about anymore, who died, how, when i'm gonna die, how, how the people i know r gonna die...an it really scares me. The idea of death terrifies me. Hmm..yea..i really do need to talk to someone. I really don't like myself anymore. If this carries on, i'm gonna get angrier with the people around me an push them away, an then i'll hate myself for it. U know what though, writing this stuff now, it does actually help, just by sitting an thinking about what i'm writing makes me organise my thoughts an feelings. It feels good knowing there's people out there on a whole different continent that are willing to offer their help an advice without even knowing me at all. Thanx everyone :). Its a good feeling.

August 10, 2001
5:09 pm
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Anonymous
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oh an i just realised...i never actually introduced myself at all to u guys...so here it is..a summary of 'me'..
my friends call me "D". i'm 17 yrs old, female (in case u didn't catch that)..living in the Gulf. I'm actually originally from the middle east, but i've lived away from 'home' all my life. We're a family of 4 girls, i'm the third an defenitely the most troubling. Hmm..there's not much else to tell really..i'm still at school, got one year left then hopefully i'll get in somewhere in England (uni i mean)..thats all really.
about me? umm..i guess i'd say i'm a really outgoing person, ppl say i'm 'full of life'..but i think thats just there way of saying i'm loud! I'd like to think i have a strong personality, an i can depend on myself, an not scared to express myself an my opinions...hmm..my faults? waaay too short tempered..an when i lose it i LOSE it. an god am i stubborn. An when i have absolutely NO PATIENCE whatsoever. Anyways whatever, i'm babbling again. Thats probably more than u guys need to know..
till next time!

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