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Depressed and hopeless
October 18, 2006
11:56 pm
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lovinglife
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AmryAngel~ are you still up? I'm heading to bed shortly...sounds like you have a teenage daughter on your hands : )

say just thought of something...have you checked-out online Coda meetings? If you haven't, it might be something worth giving a try or finding out more info on to see if it is something that would interest you...what made me think about this is when you said..."I can't be all for everyone..." I don't have any info but others around here do. All those little things we can do for ourselves, help us get stronger.

October 19, 2006
12:01 am
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armyleo
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I don't know what CODA is I just heard about it here on the board within the last 2 weeks.

At this point I don't want anything, I want to be left alone, I want to disappear I want the pain and hurt to go away, I feel like I'm crazy somedays....

October 19, 2006
12:02 am
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armyleo
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Sometimes I ..I .. I don't know what to say...

October 19, 2006
12:28 am
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smarterone
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Armyleo
I read and read, and keep getting angry that you "allow" him to keep you on a leash. But i dont really feel that way cuz i have been there. I used to watch the talk shows on tv and hear the women say"I cant leave him, i love him" with black eyes and all. And i would think, see, they know how it is. But then, days go by, months, years, and everyone is having a life but you, why, cuz like me you are too busy trying to fix it all for them. You cant, you are broken. This creep has done this, broke you down to the point where you believe everything he does and feels is right.
Stand up fast, you have children, they see him rule you and what do they do, the same. You are the only one who could bring this to an end. Good luck honey

October 19, 2006
12:36 am
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armyleo
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I don't "allow" it... It would be worst if I fought him...

October 19, 2006
12:48 am
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armyleo
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LL - didd you go away??

October 19, 2006
12:57 am
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lovinglife
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I'm sorta here...working on a paper for school... gosh its just so hard to know what you are living. I understand.

October 19, 2006
12:58 am
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lovinglife
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wished that I had something to say to make it go all away.

October 19, 2006
12:59 am
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armyleo
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LL - it's okay finish your school... I will see you later...Maybe tomorrow you can sing again..

October 19, 2006
1:00 am
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lovinglife
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you're last comment about not allowing it made me think about how anything thing you do, you end up paying for it. You're damned if you do and your damned if you don't.

October 19, 2006
1:02 am
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lovinglife
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I have a few if you want to chat

October 19, 2006
1:04 am
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armyleo
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No, that's okay like I said earlier on gg/scared thread, I just need to listen. to know life goes on...

good-nite and thanks....

October 19, 2006
1:06 am
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lovinglife
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understand. You take care.

October 20, 2006
1:41 pm
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smarterone
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I didnt mean to hurt you by saying "allow". I did. There is help out there and you may one day just get up and go or you may stay in your "safe" zone. I do know your feelings. I am not with the man now, he is in prison, but i will never feel free. That fear has been instilled in me and i hate myself for allowing him to do that to me, cause i lived that life with my mother and father. So I do know your pain, maybe that is why i feel it so much. Good luck sweetie

October 20, 2006
2:27 pm
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StronginHim77
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Army -

I have read this entire thread. I am so sorry that I didn't see it sooner, but you sure do have some people here who care deeply about what you are suffering.

I want to tell you that THERE IS HOPE. I know that you have been reading the true-life stories being shared on this thread. Even if you are too worn down to post anything, at least you are strong enough to read them. That means you are thinking and you are hearing some voices which are speaking the Truth to your heart. And your heart needs Truth to heal.

The Truth is that your husband is a monster. He is sick. Any man who verbally or physically abuses a woman is sick. He is also a criminal. Physically abusing another human being is a crime. He rules over you with fear, shaming and intimidation. Yes, he is one, sick cookie.

Right now, you are exhausted. And even your children are beginning to "copy" him and mistreat and disrespect you. You are not feeling strong enough yet to stand up to them and discipline them. Your daughter's behavior was TOTALLY unacceptable. And in your heart, instead of nailing her for it, you are taking the blame, I think. Every time someone mistreats or abuses you, you believe it is basically your fault...something that you DESERVE. That is a lie. That is a lie which has been brainwashed into you by your husband. That is how brainwashing works. Isolate your victim, (he won't "allow" you to go out, spend money without being cross-examined or even attend a church??), give them a sick "message" over and over again for years, and VOILA! You have a brainwashed, broken-spirited human being. Who buys the lies. And it is not their fault. None of this is your fault. You are the VICTIM here.

But you don't have to be. There will come a day when the Truth will rise up inside of you (like it did for LL when she opened that credit card bill) and you will have the strength to say "No more" and leave that male pond scum who calls himself your "husband." He has betrayed you in every possible way, beaten and abused you, then threatened you to remain silent. Fighting back would make him beat you more?

Here's a Plan:

Take your kids and go to the nearest church. Ask for asylum. And they will help you. Tell them you have been abused and you fear for your safety and well-being...that if he finds out, he will try and hurt you. They will help you. There is help available from loving, understanding people like the friends you have made here at AAC.

You WILL be free someday. Just keep reading this thread and drinking in the Truth. God will help you. So will alot of good people.

- Strong

October 23, 2006
4:28 am
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armyleo
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Ma Strong - you said ..."Right now, you are exhausted. And even your children are beginning to "copy" him and mistreat and disrespect you. You are not feeling strong enough yet to stand up to them and discipline them."

He sees it because they will yell at me when he's around etc... The oldest will tell me to "Be quite... Shut up.." etc..He says It's my fault they are like that... It make me sadder because he will not back me up.

Oh sometimes my anger is so bad... But what I hate is that I don't scream and yell at my H... but when he screams and yells, and is mad at me, I end up taking it out on the girls sometimes...I can't punish them they have been through alot I guess...

Thanks for taking the time to write... I posted on a thread someone posted "Where is Army?" I think. Can't remember my mind is fuzzy lately.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to you more, you know the stress & life that police live...It's accumulated over the years...The death, they see and abuse they take...

He says he can find me...that I can't hide... etc.

I crazy huh one minute I'm thinking of him, and what he's going through and the next I'm scared???

October 23, 2006
4:32 am
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revelation
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Army, you still around?
How you feeling? Sounds like that anger I was talking about is starting to kick in maybe?

October 23, 2006
10:57 am
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littlejohn
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depressed and hopeless that explains me in all ways

October 23, 2006
10:59 am
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armyleo
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unfortunately when it's starting to kick=in, it's directed at the wrong people!!!

Then I feel more horrible than before...Some of it is directed at my girls, they might deserve punishment i guess but not the anger, that gets thrown...it makes me feel miserable.

October 23, 2006
11:04 am
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littlejohn
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tell me3 about it i cant stop thinking about my ex gf cheating on me its really killing me and she wants me to take her back and i love but i dont know what to do

October 23, 2006
11:10 am
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revelation
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Littlejohn...an you please start a new thread? Armyleo is in the midst of an abusive relationship and needs our help here...can you start a new thread about your issue? That way more people will be able to see it and offer help.

Thanks,
Rev.

October 23, 2006
11:12 am
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littlejohn
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yeah

October 23, 2006
11:13 am
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revelation
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Army, anger has been the hardest thing that I've had to deal with...and I've have no solutions for you on how to deal with it. Other than please do vent here whenever you need, I mean really let lose. and then when the anger is still there but manageable, perhaps you can start using it in a contructive way...to get out of this relationship.

B.T.W. remember when you first came here, you were talking about the closeness of this man and his daughter...well whats going on with that? Sorry, I might have missed something, but I just was interested to know...have to been able to find out if there is anything untoward going on re sexual abuse?

Rev.

October 23, 2006
3:45 pm
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armyleo
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rev,

I don't think he would ever do that!!

They think he is mean, but because he is strict, well sometimes he is???

It's like he hasn't been involved in there life for years, and now he wants to start, but he only seems to get involved when he's mad at them, not attend or do family things.

October 23, 2006
3:56 pm
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revelation
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Army...I am so sorry, I must have you mixed up with someone else who posted the same day as you. Really sorry hun.

How are you doing today?

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