Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Depressed and hopeless
October 18, 2006
11:01 am
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I didn't feel well and felt really down yesterday. I turned on the computer and left it on the site. then I went to the sofa, no reading, no tv, and just layed there all day..

Everyonce in a while I would re-frsh computer, knowing the lines moved, meant life outside here.

Then when it was time for H to come home I turned computer off and went to bed, stayed there for the rest of the day didn't get up all day...

I can't face today either. I'm so pathetic, and useless here but it's me....

back to the sofa, things here are so hopeless somedays...

October 18, 2006
11:23 am
Avatar
MissNhimnotWantN2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

what's wrong?

October 18, 2006
11:26 am
Avatar
ScaredinMichigan
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thinking of you army....You are in my thoughts. I miss you. Are things ok there physically? Not trying to pry, just VERY concerned about you.

Scared

October 18, 2006
1:36 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army-

Is there any good friend or relative who can come help you watch the children? And help tidy up the house, etc.? You need some support right now. It is so hard to face the daily demands of life when you are battling depression and despair.

- Ma Strong

October 18, 2006
4:22 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army,

We are all concerned about you. This is not your fault. You are not to blame. After the fear, which makes the adrenial put you on edge, subsides, I think people get really tired and depressed. I know it happens to me all the time with my panic attacks.

YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! NOR ARE YOU PATHETIC! (sorry if you may think I am yelling.)

You love him, want the old h back, the one that you loved before this stranger came back. You love him, do not want to leave him, but you do not know what to do, especially if you are afraid and made to feel like you are somehow responsible for his actions towards you. I can say that I have been in your shoes, but to you it may not seem that way.

Do you work? If so, can you put away a little bit of money from what you make? If you do not work, does your husband give you money? If so, put some of that away. Put it in a safe place or in a savings account. And do not use it. Keep it as your "emergency" fund...keep adding to it. This will help you to overcome any fears that you won't have money, if you decide to leave. It may also help you self-esteem. We need to help you build up your self -esteem and self-confidence.

Call it your "contingency" plan.

I truly am concerned for your wellfare and well being. And was thinking about telling you to start putting money away, before I went to sleep (or at least, tried to sleep - which was only my problems keeping me up.)

(((((((((((((ARMY))))))))))))))

Red

October 18, 2006
4:23 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know I have to get going because I can already tell if he see's me like yesterday, he's going to hit the roof... He called me stupid B.. and lazy and an idiot who's good for nothing. I couldn't do anything I just curled up like a ball, I guess he took pity on me, I must have looked pathetic, because it didn't get worse.

Miss - I guess I'm just having so many problems here and being pulled in all directions, yet I can't seem to move, get going.

Mich - Things are the same as always.

Ma Strong - I don't have anyone here that knows what's going on with my H and me. He always says our problems are no one's business, that if I tell people it's because I want attention. He's always threatening that I better not say anything or tell anyone...

October 18, 2006
4:30 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Red - we must have been writing at the same time.

He only lets me work parttime, but we can't make ends meet as it is... That is what has caused the major wars the last 2 -3 weeks.

I don't know if I could hide enough, it all goes to house expenses.

However, he is allowed to spend and no one can say anything. We had a LOC loan for the house, I only used it for the contractor when he was here. Not him, as soon as he came home from the "Sand Box" he used it like crazy, yes some were for the house like fixtures and paint, because he involved him self in painting and doing the rooms that weren't touched... But he spent like crazy and he didn't watch or check for the less expense stuff. Now he's blaming me that I spent it when he was gone... That's just not true.

October 18, 2006
4:46 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ARMY*ANGEL*

Why is it when things go right, they are the ones who made it that way...and them alone. And why is it when things go wrong..it is always someone else's blame...mainly US?

Can you save a small amount to put away? A couple of dollars and change each week? If not enough to start a savings account, then hide it somewhere only you can find it and add whatever you can to it until it is enough to get a svgs acct.

This really is not your fault that he is acting the way he is. You did not cause it...you are just "conveniet", if you were not around, he would eventually do the same thing to someone else or something else...like punching walls in the house. Isn't there a Church leader that you could go to, Pastor, Priest, etc.? and ask them for help?
Someone that you can just hand a note to saying: you are confused or in need of advice about something?

Red

October 18, 2006
4:53 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army

I went through what you are going through now. I went through it with my mother, 2 out of 3 xhs and 1 xbf...three of the five tried to KILL me. And that has left me traumatized (now have Post traumatic stress disorder and panic attacks and MAJOR TRUST ISSUES)

If you need to talk or advice, I will try to help in any way I can.

Red

October 18, 2006
5:06 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

he doesn't let me go to church, ~ 6 months ago I started to go to a small CC Church and it lasted 2 weeks, before he refused to let me go. Said they would brainwash me and it's a cult and all they want it my money!!!!

but when I was there it was peaceful. I never went to church for the last 20 years or so.

October 18, 2006
5:07 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ARMY

There have been depressions so low that I had thought about ending everything...but I am still here and I guess God wants me to be here.

So I will be here for you!

((((((((ARMY))))))))))

Red

October 18, 2006
5:10 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ARMY

Is there no one you can ask for help?

Are you afraid that you will not receive any help?

((((((((((ARMY)))))))))))

October 18, 2006
5:19 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army

Is there a CASA around your area? (Citizens Against Spousal Abuse)

I know you said that he knows where all the battered women shelters are.
And that he has been threatening you if you ever told anyone.

I wish I could come over and take you to one. Hell, I would bring you home with me!

If you are afraid he might find you in a shelter...please don't be afraid. They know what they are doing and will protect you, even if it means moving you from place to place. And they will work with you to build up your confidence and self-esteem. I used to know one group that operated like an underground railroad for terrified and battered women and children.

October 18, 2006
5:26 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army

I have to leave for about half hour. I have to go back to Veternarian hospital to pick medicine that they forgot to give me. One of my cats has been pulling his fur out, coughing, wheezing and sneezing. They say he has an allergy and is very stressed out! I wonder if the is "picking" that up from ME!

I will be back on the site when I get home...so HANG IN THERE!

(((((((((((ARMY)))))))))))

Red

October 18, 2006
5:45 pm
Avatar
lovinglife
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Amryangel~ glad you posted...was thinking about sending out the AAC search & rescue team shortly if we hadn’t heard from you ; )

You're bringing back a few memories for me (the depression and feeling hopeless)…also you're reminding me of where I am today (stuck-trying to figure a way to dig myself out once again). Ok so I'm going to rambling away here {hopefully a short ramble : ) } and maybe something in there might click for you and gosh if I'm lucky something might click for me too!!

So after 10 yrs of being where you are right now-*depressed, *feeling that there is no end in sight to the nightmare, not having a penny to name, with 3 small children, and did I say depressed and barely able to walk to the mailbox??? Anyhow... on one glorious eye opening day, my marriage to him flashed before my very eyes and the whole kit and caboodle blew right off his game…it was almost like I won the lottery…I finally had the ticket out as well as *out of no where* I got an incredible amount strength to finally do it-to end my nightmare. It was simple… I received a credit card statement in the mail that showed a hotel charge- called the hotel asked how many stayed in the room (2) and that was all it took for me to tell him I had enough and go to hell. He knew I meant business even after all those yrs of being his whipping post. Now if the same thing happened to you, your response may not be the same as mine…however the moral to the story here is …

Can you think of one thing that would give you an eye opening moment to finally see right threw him where you would be able to stand up to him? And with that I’ll be back because my story doesn’t end there… (going over to son’s for dinner).

October 18, 2006
5:59 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Didn't mean to leave you 2 hanging...Just couldn't type.

He had an affair, and can you believe I was so pathetic and stupid, I couldn't do anything??? I covered for him instead, when he didn't come home told son, he was working double shifts, out with his buddies to relieve stress. etc. Maybe I didn't want to beieve it??? I didn't want to dystroy the family...He's home now... This is what I wanted isn't it???

Don't listen to me I'm just a looser...Do you ever hate yourself wish you didn't exist??? Am I the only one???

I'll get back later, I need to start dinner, the girls fixed themselfs frozen dinners yesterday. I was/is a mess

October 18, 2006
6:51 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army, you may not think it...but you are actually making progress every day...you are thinking about stuff from your history with this guy that you have probably always been afraid to think of....you have in essence been in denial about stuff...it seems now as with so many people...when you hit rock bottom denial is pointless.

One thing I have learned is that when you reach rock bottom the only way you can go from there is up...you can't stay there...its like trying to keep an air-filled bottle underwater...impossible...as long as you are living and breathing, the only way you can move now is up...you may be taking baby steps honey, but thats just fine, its enough and you are moving in the right direction. Just please please please try to keep the negative self-talk out of your head, because, please believe me when I say this, if you are going to believe anything, believe this....the negative self-talk is a false perception that you have of yourself, he has brain-washed you into believing all he says. Well honey, I know thats hard to shake-off, but you have to...we are all here speaking the truth to you...you need to now start speaking the truth to yourself and stop repeating the lies he has led you to believe, you are not a loser, not a bitch, not worthless, stupid or useless...truth is HE IS ALL OF THAT...and you know whats even truer...DEEP DOWN HE KNOWS IT. He knows you are better than him...thats why he's constantly tried to drag you down.

Enough of the beating yourself up army, he's already done that to you. Its time to start speaking the truth to yourself, getting strong, getting f*cking angry. I know anger can be a bad thing when its misplaced...but sometimes it can drive us on...in the right place anger is good...this is the right place. This man has f*cking tried to kill your spirit, but its still alive within you...and I know that anger is there too...it is, its there waiting to bubble up waiting for you to say "NO, f*ck this for a game of soldiers, I'm not taking this" It may not be time to go now, you may not have the strength, but you have the strength to keep going, keep thinking, keep taking care of yourself, c'mon, you can do it.

Rev.

October 18, 2006
6:58 pm
Avatar
cyndra820
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army,

I have to agree with Revelation. Each post I read I see a stronger woman emerge. You are depressed and feeling hopeless right now, but you are getting stronger.

I have wished I didn't exist and felt worthless. People around me would tell me what a good person I was, but I felt horrible and wondered why they couldn't see through me. I had a major depressive episode and wound up in the emergency room. That was my first rock bottom. Shortly after that I left my first husband.

I don't have any real advice just encouragement. You are NOT worthless by any means. I know I value you, and a lot of these other women value you. So you are definitely worth something to all of us.

Stop beating yourself up. You are precious and rare gift. Try not to think otherwise.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 18, 2006
7:11 pm
Avatar
red blonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army,

I am back.

And, Army, you are not a loser! SO GET THAT THOUGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW!

And, yes, I have hated myself many a times and wished that I hadn't even been born. I had even prayed to God that He would just take me.

As for him having had an affair...all three of my xhs did as well, i was in denial, because that is what I was conditioned to think. I was made to feel so bad about myself and that I WAS the problem, that I was the reason they had affairs, (all except the last xh) that I did everything I could to save the marriage because it was all my fault. I think that is another trait of an abuser...don't know for sure, maybe they should make a study of that.

Abusers first wear you down, make you feel lower that Whale's S--T! Then when they no longer get satisfaction out of that, they turn to the sexual side of it...denying you sex, having affairs, etc., then after that comes more verbal/ mental/emotional abuse, then pushing, shoving, and then the physical abuse. Not necessarily all of the abuses I mentioned...but it seemed to be THE pattern of all three of my xhs and xbf ( who was between xh2 and xh3) When xh3 started having an affair, started the verbal/mental/emotional abuse, and then started to push and/or shove me, I walked out. No one will ever physically or sexually assualt me again!

((((((((((Army))))))))))))

Hope I don't make you cry. You did not destroy the family. HE DID and still IS.

BUT, you aren't alone...we are here.
You are not a loser for loving him, wanting things to change or go back to the way he was before he came back from the "sand box". I know you still love him. Does loving someone make you a loser? He is the loser for not loving you and treating you the way you should be loved and treated. You deserve that...not the abuse.

(((((((((((Army))))))))))))

Red

October 18, 2006
7:12 pm
Avatar
lovinglife
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

AmryAngel~ OK now I'm going to have to call in the… *AAC you're going to be called on your negative talk* team : )

"Matteo, GG, Mich, Ma Strong, Red... Girls you're needed over here on thread *depressed & hopeless*!"

First you are not a loser. When we feed our self-esteem messages like it doesn't help the abused but it helps the abuser as it keeps one right where they want us…continuing to take their BS, continuing to be their whipping post. Amryangel you have been soooo beaten down by your husband...he has slowly stripped your self-esteem, your dignity, your strength...now what other condition can one be expected to be left in but to feel like a loser, feel like they want to die? Sure the heck not standing strong.

My story about how I woke up happened because he repeatedly accused of me of having an affair, he repeatedly lied to me where he was and I was drilled when leaving the house, as well as when coming back into the house, he basically repeatedly played mind games with me, then to top it all off - I was so fricken beaten down by his verbal abuse. The day I got that credit bill – I was right where you are at today…immobilized….depressed…I just wanted to die and even had a plan that included my children. This brings back some icky memories. I can’t even explain what I felt when I opened up that envelope other than it was like this light went off in my head – and he was completely exposed for the monster he was. For yrs I thought it was me, for yrs I fought for a marriage that wasn’t even a marriage, for yrs I took his sh*t and he had total control over me…total control. The reason why I asked you what would be one thing that would make you stand up and say… “YOU M-F…you will never lay a hand on me again…” and mean it with every ounce of your being is because for me it came in the form of a simple credit card bill – who would have guessed. There is something there Amry- something that would give you the strength to pick yourself up and get this nightmare to stop. I wished I would have found that strength a lot earlier than I did but all along I just thought it was me.

October 18, 2006
7:14 pm
Avatar
lovinglife
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Looks like Rev and Cyndra heard the call too!

October 18, 2006
8:58 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev,

You sound so strong...

Me I don't know what's worst being beat up emotionally or physically. Both leave me feeling helpless, & hopeless...

He's always told me these things...I try to change and improve...but he says there's no hope for me.

October 18, 2006
9:01 pm
Avatar
kasie919
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey girl!!

I posted to you on the other side!!

go read..

Miss you!!!

October 18, 2006
9:08 pm
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sweetie, I'm not so strong...I'm still battling with the negative gremlins too...I know its hard. Someone on another site today told me the "de-programming" a brainwashed person can take years of therapy...I sighed with relief at that, because I get really angry with myself sometimes, that its been over a year and I STILL have days when I'm blaming me me me and only me. But unfortunately army, that just means he did a really good job at brain-washing. So, no honey, I'm no better and no stronger than you...I'm just further on my journey...some day, I promise you, you will get to this point...just keep on floating upwards.

October 18, 2006
11:41 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I CAN"T BE ALL FOR EVERYONE!!!

I told my daughter I would take her a buy her a folder she needed for school 4 days ago. We went 2 days ago and office max and staples closed. Right now, she's asking me to go NOW. I told her I would take her tomorrow.

She just stormed out, said she couldn't stand me starts yelling and started crying...

I TRY TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY AND IT JUST DOESN:T WORK!!!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111066
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38622
Posts: 714418
Newest Members:
CarinaTroll, Tom12HardyRT, Tom12Hardy, TomHardy, sharoongreene, edenjames666
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information