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Depressed Again
April 20, 2001
6:52 pm
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janes
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It would be great if this guy could take those steps to be a good husband like Molly's did.

I don't see it happening. Just the few things you listed --were horrifying to me. To be told to sit in the back of the church!!!

He sounds like a real narcissist...needs to be the center of attention, controlling, ME me me me meme......

I think in the long run you are better off without him. As for NO other men...why don't YOU do as Molly sugguests and read Relationship Rescue.

There will be another guy for you but if definitely should be on YOUR terms too..not just his.

From all I have read on your posts here I think that while you would have rather not be divorced....YOU, your self did not stand a chance ... he was to busy finding what HE wanted...fulfulling HIS needs. and the rest of the world be damned.

You sound way to caring to grieve forever over this guy. If anything grieve over the years you gave him without being loved back.

Why was he that way? why care...people change all the time and he didn't even bother talking to you. if the relationship was at all imp. he would have tried something.

He was way way way to shallow for you.

Maybe he was just dumb.

Regardless...that is no excuse for treating you like he did.

Life isn't over til it's over. You have lots of time to enjoy each day of your life.

Find lovely things and WRTIE THEM DOWN!!!!!!!

Life starts again for you NOW.

April 23, 2001
6:20 am
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Depressed Again
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Molly,

Your such a sweetheart! Your right I really don't want the divorce, but I WILL DO NOTHING TO STOP IT. That's the point -- it has to come from HIM. If he never loved me or never loved me enough to make the first move to say I'm sorry then it is over. I don't think I'm asking for too much. He kicked my gifts across the floor and I didn't deserve that. He has to know you can't go through life never having to say "I'm sorry". The divorce should be final any day now. I just find it totally bizarre that he wouldn't even try!! I played a game and I lost (or won) however you want to look at it. I thought if I left and showed him I meant business he would bend. But, I realize now no matter what - he won't make a move. And I'll now have to live with it. I will buy that book for myself -

April 23, 2001
6:53 am
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Depressed Again
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Janes,

Thank you sooo much for your input and for reading through all the posts. Molly has very good insight as to what I'm going through, but she eventually got to hear those "words" from her guy. Without hearing the admittance of guilt on his part - maybe she wouldn't have made the decision to go back". If a guy can't see that he did something wrong then your just banging you head against a brick wall trying to make him say those "words". What you have said is exactly how I feel (although it still hurts). I think your right - "I didn't stand a chance". A normal person would have been able to say "something" or do "something" to make things right. You can't just totally ignore the situation like he did. He hurt me and he knew it, but chose not to think about me and what he had done to me. It IS all about him.

Your also right - it was all for him and nothing for me. I know that. It's just so hard to deal with when I gave my ALL into that marriage. I didn't realize I was doomed from the beginning. I just kept doing whatever he wanted to do to make it work - until the disrespect showed. I knew deep inside of me that I did not deserve that disrespect and either he was going to make it better or I was going to leave. It seems like such a stupid request - asking for an apology for kicking my gifts across the floor, but in reality I guess I wanted him to see what he was doing to me.

Like I told Molly, I played a game and I lost! From all indication he has made a new life for himself somewhere else and I have to tell myself - he ain't coming back! Then I MUST move on. I keep thinking how it's never too late - if only he would ...... but, it's not going to happen and your words struck me as exactly how I feel - "If the relationship was all that important to him - he would have done SOMETHING to save it". But, apparently he wasn't and I am just having such a difficult time accepting that fact.

I did take care of him right from the beginning. I was a good wife. I did too much for him and let him have his way about whatever HE wanted to do. I made myself the rug that he walked on and to this day, I still think he thinks I will try and go back to HIM. Well, as badly as I'm hurting that day will never come. I do think I am grieving over the years I gave him and that hurts to know you'll never get taken care of in return. How someone could be that void of feelings I'll never know, but I have to take your advice Janes -- why care why he was like he was. I will move on one day soon I hope. I think I've been living with the false hope that the phone would ring and it would be him saying the things I want to hear. But now after 5 weeks, I'm getting the message - it ain't gonna happen!

Please keep in touch. I needed that advice.

April 23, 2001
12:08 pm
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Molly
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You don't need advice, you know what to do, and when you lean in one direction, it affirms the other direction is the one to direct your energies towards. You might have your agent scout some properties, that you might be able to purchase with what funds you recieve from the closing, I know your unsure, of the future, but you might see somethign that starts a new dream. You need to different things each day for you to shake things up in your head a little. Your doing great, and each time I poke at your doubt you come back like a lioness, so keep on keeping on.

April 23, 2001
1:07 pm
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Depressed Again
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Molly,

Keep poking! It reinforces the decision I made to be correct. I know what I did was the only thing I could have done given the situation, but that doesn't make it easy as you know. I spent the weekend in bed with the covers over my head. That's why I'm afraid to live alone. I'm afraid I will go deeper into depression. Being around people maybe has helped me to keep my head above water so far. But, that lump in my stomach won't dissolve no matter what I have tried to do. I may sound like a lioness, but I'm really a pussy-cat. Although, there are times in my life when I have been strong-willed and this is one of those times. There is no way in hell I will bend. It's not up to me. I would have gone around in a big circle to have to give in now. It would accomplish nothing. I must go on with my life I know that. Maybe when I get my funds I'll do as you suggest, have the agent look for me and maybe something will come out of it. I do need a new "dream" and a new "goal". I looked forward to retirement my whole working life and now with only 3 years to go, I'm dreading it. I can't see the future. I don't know what I'm supposed to be looking for. I just can't see it right now!! How much suffering am I going to impose on myself before I see the "light?" I'm losing weight and I just keep on letting myself self-destruct. It's too bad that a woman like myself would allow a man to do this to her. I just have too many human emotions and feelings in my heart to just blow this whole thing off like I never was married to this man. I guess that's the difference between him and me. I wish I could be cold like him - it has to be much easier to face life and not feel anything.

April 23, 2001
1:18 pm
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grass
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No you don't want to be like him. He's probably a very lonely, miserable and unsatisfied person. He will have to face life one day..maybe on his death bed.. and it won't be pretty. You are dealing with things the wayt they should be, your not locked up, your questioning circumstances and emotions. It's healthy. It's not healthy to stay in a pit though. You were in a pit when you were with him and you left b/c you no longer wanted to be opressed, so now it's time to rise above it all and let you shine. You've probably let a male determine your identity your whole life. Now it's time to figure out what you are all about...it can be exciting..if you let it be.

April 23, 2001
1:52 pm
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Depressed Again
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Grass,

Why did I get so much pleasure in reading what you wrote? I feel very guilty, but I do wish he would end up lonely and miserable. The only real thing I know for sure is that he will always be unsatisfied. That's who he is. But on the other hand when his sister said that he was in denial and was absolutely pitiful - I felt sorry for him. I just kept thinking "it doesn't have to be this way - just apologize and we'll work it out - tell me you love me" But, no he wouldn't do it - couldn't. Guess it's just not in his makeup as they say. Your are so right grass - I have let the men in my life determine my identy - no doubt you are right about that. I don't want to get attached again because I will probably do the same thing again. Once I heal from this very deep wound (the deepest yet), I will have to live for myself - although I'm sorry I'm just not sure how to do that or exactly what it means right now.

Thanks for your interest!

April 23, 2001
2:48 pm
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Molly
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Don't let that identity crap mislead you , you are in the age bracket where that is what we were taught to do, only since the 80's has that thought concept changed, so some of us were slower to comprehend an identity out of marriage. Its not easy, and most likely part of the confusion. Thus so many women lost when widdowed. What part of the world do you live in? What have you not done that you have always thought about doing? What interests you? With only 3 years till retirement, you have lots and lots of things to complete, and you are part of the things that needs to be complete. Could you start a group get together of single mature women, that come up with outings? Great way to make new friends, and have some one to keep you out of bed? Its so easy to hibernate, I swear at first when I made up my mind, I went autistic, I just sat in my wonderful little house , that was in paradice, and rocked back and forth, when I realized that no one cared, it didn't make a difference if I curled up into a ball, or went out and played in the sunshine, I fineally got off my ass, and started to live.You will find that in many areas, that support life for retirement age the singles groups work well, as the women out number the men 3 to 1 and you might be able to have some fun, since your not interested, and make a girl friend or two. Loosing weight, well that is an out come we all hope for is it contagious????

April 23, 2001
7:03 pm
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grass
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Just like Molly said, you will find out who you are by doing the things that you have always desired to do and even trying out new things. I think that deep down you know who you are, it's been calling out to you. I really hope that you will soon be able to find peace about all that has happened, where you are right now and with the future. Peace is such a beautiful thing to experience...my heart weeps for you...but it also rejoices, because I beleive that there will be a day that you will find your peace. You are a strong women..stronger than you let yourself believe.

April 24, 2001
6:37 am
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Depressed Again
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Molly,

Your right about being condtioned at my age to believe your not complete unless you have a mate. More proof of that is a friend of mine who just lost her husband after 50 years of marriage. She's lost. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I have always been a follower and not a leader. After slobbering all over the place yesterday and got down so low - all of a sudden a glimmer of hope came into my mind. WHY NOT buy a little house where as you say "I can curl up into a ball if I want to". I think I will have my agent look for me. One day my thoughts are going to my son's and now here I am thinking about a house. I think I've got a short circuit somewhere. I think I will get involved eventually in something group oriented. It's just sure is a different life than I had thought I was going to live. It's a real shocker to say the least! Alot of people here in PA move to Florida after they retire, but I wouldn't want to move that far away from the only family I have. Once I realize I can make it with friends and do not need a man in my life, I'm hoping to be able to accept my new life and maybe start to look forward to it. It hurts when I go to the mall and see couples walking hand in hand and whenever I come in contact with someone, I always look at their hand to see if they are wearing a wedding ring. My left hand seems so "bare" now. But, I will replace that ring someday with another kind of ring that I like. It's stupid the things that bother me about being single.

Something my soon-to-be x said one day, I think about often. He made a comment that his x-wife (the first - that he had the daughters to) has nothing - no furniture - no money. He thought that pretty sad. (She supposedly ran off with some preacher when she was married to him and is miserable with her life now). Anyway, I have to wonder what he's thinking now. When I left, I took all my furniture with me. He had nothing! How ironic. I left him the bedroom set, kitchen table and 1 broken chair. He has no furniture, which leads me to believe he will move in with his daughter in another state just across the line. I know, I know - why should I care what he's doing. Ah! ho-hum!

April 24, 2001
6:47 am
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Grass,

Thanks for you concern and well wishes. You all have kept me going through this whole ordeal so far. I didn't realize how much I needed your thoughts and prayers until I come in in the morning and go right to this site. I feel like someone is right with me. Thanks to all of you for that!

I have felt that inner peace and long to feel it again. Of course I thought I had it when I got married, but that got spoiled fast. So if I find peace with myself then no one can take that away from me. Right? I just PRAY that I can make it alone! I have NEVER lived alone before. So, I guess maybe I'll try it. Maybe I'll like the peace and quiet! I won't know unless I try it. I guess everything can be reversed and nothing is permanent (in case I can't make it).

April 24, 2001
3:04 pm
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Molly
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Attitude, well how about when you look at those couples, that you think how much of her day is spent, at the market, shopping cooking, and cleaning for food for HIM, now you can eat what ever you want!!! One dish, rinse and dry, freedom. She must do his laundry, fold starch, iron, yada yada yada. Buy your self a ring for crying out loud, and you don't have to ask permission, get approval, or care what any one else thinks. I like your tone on the house, keep it up..

April 25, 2001
10:30 am
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Depressed Again
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Mollly,

Hee-Hee - you make me laugh at myself sometimes. Especially when I'm being so silly and worrying stupidly. I will someday buy that ring. My daughter-in-law and son are emptying out the one bedroom for me to move in soon. I haven't told them what my plans are for sure because I'm not completely for sure. Maybe (like I told her - I will try it for a couple of months, leaving my furniture in storage and see how it goes). Meanwhile I'll have my agent keep an eye out for something for me and just play it by ear.

My heart drops everytime the phone rings - he's supposed to get in touch with me on the payoffs on the final utility bills. The closing is still on Monday the 30th, but as I probably mentioned before my agent is arranging it so that I don't have to go to the closing. I will just go to her office and sign off on the paperwork. YEA!!!!!!

I still wonder where he's moving to (with no furniture). I know, I know - stop thinking about him. I'm trying honest I am!!!!!! Thanks for keeping up on things with me.

I'll probably be looking for you the next couple of days to let you knw what is happening. Then I'm taking off for FLA. May 3rd to May 11th. My girlfriend is down there now and I'm flying down to meet her. I planned that so that I could run away and hide after the closing (figuring my heart would be heavy).

April 25, 2001
11:22 am
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Molly
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Good plan, but again, heavy heart,hmmmm. Should be shoulder pain from the weight of the wings of freedom. FLA is beautiful. Retirement, resort community, place for the kids to visit, and no snow!!!!! Think woman, or am I projecting?????????

April 26, 2001
6:18 am
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Hi Molly,

Well, it's 4 days before the closing and I've still heard nothing yet. There have been times lately when I think "should I have been so quick to react to what he did to me?" Should I have given up everything I worked so hard for? These are just fleeing thoughts that crop up like a snake throughout the day. Again, though I still have to answer the same way. I won't be treated disrespectfully and if I deserve an apology and don't get it then this is my reaction to that. I guess I still feel like a gypsy not having a real "home" to come home to. I know all this will come in time. I still would do the same thing over again - I know that. It was something that was just not meant to be and that's it!!!! I just don't know WHY? Can't for the life of me figure it out. Guess it's going to be one of those unanswered questions in life. Just sitting here daily waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe when it's completely over - I'll move on. I wonder why I'm getting the silent treatment from him when I didn't do anything to him - I'm the one that should be giving HIM the silent treatment. Is he trying to punish me for doing what I did or is he just that uncaring and is just moving on?

How's things going with you? Did you go to your daughter's birthday party?

April 26, 2001
9:12 am
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Dear "Depressed",

I read your first post and found it interesting with respect to some of your past problems and your family history. Perhaps you have already covered this in other posts, and if so, I apologize in advance, but I saw where you said your mom had a history of depression. I wonder if it's possible that you are experiencing a clinical depression with situational depression on top of it. . .
When you have a clinical depression, it's a chemical imbalance in your brain with regard to hormones usually seratonin. A situational depression is a depression you experience based on what's occuring in your life. Do you feel as if you might have had problems with depression before the onset of your divorce and the events that led up to it? If so, you might consider discussing antidepressant medication therapy with a skilled and trusted physician. A lot of people feel really uncomfortable about the prospect of taking medication, however, it's not any different than a diabetic taking insulin. Also, anti-depressant medication is found to be far more helpful when used in conjunction with counseling. When you are given the opportunity to talk through your life's problems, then you can often decrease and eventually discontinue your medication as there are less issues left behind to exaccerbate the existing problem. Whatever happens, you have gotten this far and I'm sure you will manage to navigate your current situation in the way that's the very best for you!

Good Luck!!!

Mal

April 26, 2001
10:36 am
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Dear Malaikaw,

Thanks for your interest and your post! I have turned to my physician just last week and he suggested Prozac which I am now on. Although, I have a family history of depression, I have found that mine comes on with situational depression only. Otherwise, I am a very fun person to be with (which is what my friends have told me). And the very odd thing about it is I seem to only become depressed when a relationship turns bad. I have had 3 serious relationships in my life and with each of them ending, I became seriously depressed. It seems like I have difficulty accepting life without a man. I know it sounds so ridiculous and I'm ashamed to admit that - but I just never felt "complete" without that special person to go through life with. I don't feel I am a depressed person normally (as in clinical depression). It's ironic, but my mother divored my father when I was 5 years old and I swear she went through the same type of depression. Divorce was unheard of in those days and my mother became a school teacher, raised my brother and myself, but I always remember her longing for a relationship with a man also. But, she never remarried again and never experienced another serious relationship. She never admitted to depression and would never be treated for it, but as I look back on her life and what she would say, I realize that was her problem. She felt life had passed her by and she died two years ago (at age 86) and was diagnosed with severe depression. She never felt like she fit in although she did have many friends (all of whom were married). This is now the same thing I am going through. All of my friends are married and I feel as though I'm lacking something for some reason. I just can't seem to kick that "feeling in the pit of my stomach" and accept that this relationship is over and that I must move on.

Thanks for your input! Much appreciated.

April 26, 2001
12:09 pm
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Don't you find it amazing wow no matter how hard we try some how some way we end up like our mother? I agree when you decide what direction your new life will take you will feel more energy, and lighter. Its the limbo that is hell. yes I went to my daughters birthday party. I did not force my mate to go as it was real clear he did not want to go, and the honest truth is he did need a day to veg. I should have forced him to go. Those anxiety pangs that you say come in waves I delt with all day. I felt like the token minority at an all white party. I fought tears, and depression deamons all day long. It didn't help that the new love, and most likely future bride of their father is a dead ringer look alike for heather locklear, and about 15 years younger, but he deserves what he gets, a drinker with two unruly kids. What makes it hard, is the difficulty that has appeared over the last 2 years with my daughers and my self, their struggle for identity, some how made me the bad guy, and every one else is their savior. It just sucks going from the most important person in thier life to a visitor, when this other woman is cooking and knows her way around my daughters kitchen, and this was my first invite. Jelousey, šŸ™‚ insecurity:) depressed šŸ™‚ but I am fighting it. Attitude. I must follow my own advice, and accept. My sleep has been intrupted the last few days, and in general my attitude has sucked. Its like my subconcious knows I am bsing my self in my conciousness, and need to yell hit, or scream, or yadayadayada. So I went to the gym, hehehe. It is like all else that I am incomplete with now is also raising its ugly head. While I am fighting feeling old and worthless, husband comes home we are making conversation, and he says can I suggest that you quit calling people honey, it makes you sound old, and the tears welled up. I said I feel old, then I get a lecture, on how young he feels etc. it doesn't help that I have not had a success, or validation, or close relations with anyone in a long time, and have the birth defect of no patience. I am forced to self motivate all alone, and that gets old fast. Butttttt I am ok, and the birthday party was nice, even though I left after 4 hours, the party really started after I left, and rocked on until 10, so I missed meeting many of my daughters friends. Oh, well, life.
Silent treatment, men retreat to their caves when they have conflict that they cannot immediately reconcile. Besides it doesn't sound like he ever won any communication awards in the past? Leave him alone, and go buy new clothes for FLA, I hear the 60's is back in style, and anything oriental. Go shopping.

April 26, 2001
12:47 pm
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Molly,

I'm sorry to hear that you got so depressed, but I can understand why you felt as you did. Feeling like the "outsider" in that situation had to be heartbreaking! Jealousy! Yes, maybe, but it is natural. You have to know that. Why do we reflect so much on thinking other people's lives are so much better than our own? I'm sure if you were that little fly on the wall you would see things in a different light. But not knowing hurts like hell. I guess depression comes in all phases of life. And age definitely has an effect on our outlook! You seem like you will be able to pull yourself together much easier than I can. I brood! Which is what I'm doing now.

The agent just called me and was going back on the phone between my soon-to-be X and myself. We were settling the buyers requests and I can't BELIEVE he won't call me and talk to me. She was trying to get him on the phone all morning because of the problem and apparently he was in Ohio. Another apparent thing is he must be moving up to live near his daughter. Why is my stomach aching so badly. I'm just sick at the thought he won't even call me. And he's the one that said he wanted to be friends. What changed his mind? His daughter? His X-wife? I never thought he would move out of the state. My friend is yelling at me saying "It's OVER - don't you get it - he doesn't want anything to do with you anymore" Why are you still brooding over him?

I think it's just the way everything is coming down. I thought maybe I would see him again if for no other reason than to say "goodbye". It's sad to end it like this. But -- Now I must go on to my new life. Why is he so afraid to talk to me - is it because he's being stubborn or is it because he wants to hurt me one last time?

Oh yuck! I just got off the phone with the agent and I'm to go to her office tomorrow afternoon and sign the papers. I'm just sick about the whole thing.

April 30, 2001
7:13 am
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Molly,

Ok. This is Monday and the start to my new life. I signed off on the house on Friday and it's now over. He's gone to Ohio to be with his daughter and now I have closure! I know this from my agent. He never called me. I WILL move on now. When I get back from FLA on the 11th of May, my son will get my bedroom set from storage and I will move in with them. I'm okay. I'm gonna do this. No more waiting for phone calls and wondering what he's doing, which doesn't mean I won't need you in the weeks to come. Hope to keep in touch just to let you know how I'm doing and checking in on you too.

April 30, 2001
3:00 pm
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Give it time, have fun in Florida, flirt shamelessly with the old retired coots, live,live,live.

May 2, 2001
9:21 am
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Hi Molly,

Just wanted to run this by you and see what you think. The closing was on Monday. I went last week and signed the papers so I wouldn't have to appear and be depressed. My soon-to-be X came in and asked the agent "Isn't Karen going to be here?" She told him that we went last week and I signed the paperwork. She said he was sooooo sad. At the end he just took his check and walked out - didn't say a word to anyone. Guess in a way - it made me feel good - if that's the right word. So he's now a state away and that's all there is to my story. Talk to you when I get back.

May 2, 2001
12:16 pm
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So, do you feel better triggering an emotion. I still think you tossed a tantrum, and lost. I think you wanted him to chase you, and he processes things different. I think he is devistated, and in his cave. I get that this was a divorce that didn't need to happen, if you could have found a way to accept and communicate, but then agian I could be wrong, and this was a union, that was a mistake from the get go, regardless, you are on a new path, and free to be you,with out some one holding you back.

May 3, 2001
10:26 am
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Molly,

Seeing the truth in "black & white" hurts, but everything you say is absolutely the truth!!! That's exactly what happened. No communication. We couldn't talk. So I'm off today. Thanks for your truthfulness. It helped - really it did!

May 25, 2001
7:31 am
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Hi Molly/All,

Just wanted to check in and tell you I am alive and doing very, very, well. I came back from vacation with a new brain. On a scale of 1 to 10, I am a 9 and 1/2. I'm so proud of myself! I feel absolutely great. I don't know whether it's because of the Prozac or the fact that I've done a lot of thinking and am very happy with my decision to leave him. I look back and am positive I did the right thing. I feel so free now to do what I want. Spend my money as I wish - go where I want to. Or just do nothing at all! It's nice not to look at a sulking face or worry about saying the wrong thing or not saying anything at all and putting up with everything to try and save a marriage. So, I lost my house. So what. I'm free. My mind has NO cobwebs anymore. I sleep really well at night. I moved in with my son and daughter-in-law and so far all is working well in that department. I have been reading all the threads and just waiting to make sure of my feelings before I relayed them to you.

All of you have been a wonderful help to me in my healing. I thought this depression was going to last for years. But, I can look back now and realize it wouldn't have worked anyway. And I have more respect for myself than to stay with a man who could kick my Xmas gifts across the floor. If I wouldn't have left when I did, I would have lost all respect for myself.

Please keep in touch!

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