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Depressed Again
April 4, 2001
1:34 pm
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Depressed Again
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Just stumbled onto this site looking for help! I feel so stupid! I'm 58 1/2 years old and can't understand why I can't pull myself up. I am in the process of a divorce after 7 years of marriage. I left a very beautiful home, and a husband who fooled alot of my family and friends in the beginning. I just am soooo dpressed even tho it was my decision to leave! I was single for 26 years and got caught up in the "American Dream" of a beautiful home and was hoping for a fairtale marriage. My first marriage ended in divorce after 2 years. I had a few relationships during the years before I got married 7 years ago. I can't go through the years of depression I suffer after each failure. My father committed suicide and my mother suffered from depression (although, I never knew it until the last 3 months of her life when they tried electro therapy (etc)). I guess that's where I have inherited it from. But this time is the worst ever!!! I don't want to spend the next 2 or 3 years suffering. My thoughts lately have been to wonder if my father (at 59 1/2) didn't do the right thing. My mother and father were divorced when I was 5 and I never met him other than seeing him at the funeral for the first time in my life. I have moved in with a long-time girlfriend and her husband temporarily until I move again. I lived with my mother until I was 50 and then I got married. Now my mother is gone - I have friends and family that I talk to, but nothing is stopping the CONSTANT dwelling I do with - why couln't it have worked and other thoughts - I can't let it go! I am going to move in with my son and his wife and my wonderful 15 year old grandson. This is there suggestion - not mine. I'm not strong enough to move into a place of my own. I'm definitely afraid I will end my suffering if I'm alone for too long. I just wish this "sick" feeling will go away. The last relationship I had - the hurt lasted over 2 years and never let up. This marriage seemed so right in the beginning. Although, this is his 3rd divorce which should have told me something. He was fine with the marriage as long as we did things with his daughters and his friends. There was no room for my son and daughter-in-law and he discouraged any relationships I had with my friends. He would go places with them, but he would either start an argument with them or he would sit there and not speak to anyone which would make me feel extremely uncomfortable. We only did things he wanted to do. He was very into himself and his needs with no consideration for what I wanted. I felt like I was just one of his "good deals" contribution half to everything we bought and the bills, etc. sort of like a "business partnership". Oh, last but not least "he never would say the words "I love you". I asked him to say it many, many times and his answer was always "I married you - didn't I?" I never saw any emotion whatsoever from him. He never told me how he felt about anything. The only thing I ever saw was anger - yelling, screaming, slamming doors whenever I didn't do what he wanted to do. I'm SO SORRY for making this so long! Just wanted some opinions if anyone out there can help me understand what happened!

April 4, 2001
5:10 pm
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Molly
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Men, go figure. I got a joke chain letter this morning, that stated upon reciept of this letter, bundle up your man, and send him to the first name on the list, by the time your name is on the first of the list you should receive 43,520 men to interview. Hmmmmmmm who wants them!Most of my friends in our age group, 45-60 have just plain had it, created a good circle of women friends, and are having a ball. My dear woman friend, it is time to get it together, depression feeds its self, and the only way to end it is to get busy, which I know is very hard to do when you really want to stay in bed with the covers over your head! So,if you want to move in with son and daughter and continue your life of caretaking, which you know that is what you will do, I think that is safe, but life has so much more to offer. Perhaps while your getting your self a new life, a 3 month period of time, to readjust your focus. Get some counseling, and look into co-dependency, I think group like coda would be good for you, be around people, take a class, learn a foreign language, and plan a trip, start to dream again, make some goals and aim for them. Never surrender!!!!!!!!!

April 5, 2001
10:12 am
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Molly,

Thanks so much for your advice. Can you give me your advice also on whether I did the right thing by filing for divorce (your opinion). There are several things that led up to this. About 4 years ago his 30 year old daughter who lives near her mother in another city was getting remarried. I went to the wedding with him only to be told by him upon entering the church that I was to sit by myself (in the back of the church). He proceeded to go through the ceremony sitting with his x-wife in the church. After the ceremony we went outside and he handed me the keys to the car and asked me if I could find my own way (in a strange city) to the reception. He was needed to take pictures. I was completely mortified!!!! I rode with his sister and husband and cried all the way like a baby. They assured me that this was wrong on his part. At the reception he totally ignored me and sat with his x-wife's family leaving me on my own. That was the worst experience of my whole life.

I never spoke to him for 2 weeks. He never apologized (that word has never come out of his mouth for any of the things he did to me). He just totally ignored the situation and because I didn't want to lose the marriage and my home, I stayed. The only explanation he told me was "I was doing what I was told to do".

But, before her wedding when my son got married - he was a part of that wedding - tux, picture taking and all. And when my grandson was born, my son asked him to be the Godfather. He accepted, but as the time grew near he totally humiliated me in church. He went through the ceremony and as soon as the ceremony was over he walked out of the church after handing the baby back to his mother. And back at my son's house he went down in the gameroom and wouldn't associate with anyone in my family. Never spoke to anyone. He never associated with the baby or anything. Only when I brought the baby to the house would he hold him. It was very, very obvious throughout the whole length of the marriage he wanted nothing to do with my son or daughter-in-law and he stated "you babysit too often". Which was twice a week for 1 1/2 hrs. And maybe a couple of hours on Saturday.

He wanted me always to go to his daughter's house where he would spend the day with "her" (not his grandkids). She would sit on his lap and "rub" his leg, and they would hug like boyfriend and girlfriend. I NEVER received this attention from him. Please do not misconstrue this as jealousy on my part - I just wanted him to accept my son and family, but he would have nothing to do with them, plus I would have liked a little tenderness too. He always told her "I love you" and I have never in the 7 years I've known him say those words. He once bought me a card that said that, but he couldn't say it himself. The only thing he said to be after I left was - "I wouldn't have married you" if I didn't. That just didn't cut it for me!

Do you understand why I had to leave him? Was I right? If I was right why do I miss him and my home so much. I know I wouldn't go back, but the pain is sooo great!

The last straw came on Xmas morning when he informed me "his friends" would be coming up for the weekend and bringing their big dog. They had visited us about 4 times previously and each time I would have to pack up my cat and take him to my friends house. This time I asked him to tell them they could come if they could find a dog-sitter because my friend was not available to catsit. He then proceeded to throw a "fit". He kicked my Xmas presents that I had bought for him (unopened yet) across the floor and told me to stick them up "you know where". He then proceeded to scream and yell and slam doors. It was awful! After that, I realized my life could only consist of his family and his friends and I wasn't willing to tolerate it anymore.

I'm so sorry for rambling again, but I NEED to get these things out of my mind and get an opinion as to whether I did the right thing or am I too sensitive. Maybe people who are married for a long time have been able to endure this kind of treatment, but I couldn't. But, why am I feeling so lonly and depressed all the time. I just keep DWELLING every waking minute.

I do keep very busy - actually every single night I've been with either my girlfriend or my grandson. I planned a week's vacation next month with my girlfriend, but I am so depressed I can't even get excited about anything in life.

One more thing - we were invited (by my friends) on an all expensive paid weekend vacation. He agreed to go (early on in the marriage). Well, we all four were playing cards. Our friends showed us how to play this "new" game and as the playing progressed - my wonderful husband slammed the cards across the table and accused my girlfriend of "cheating". Again, I was totally humiliated. I said nothing. Well, on the way home he got into a heated discussion with my friend about buying a house. (This discussion was directed at my son because they were buying their first house). He rambled on about anyone buying a house should only pay $20,000 for a house and learn how to fix it up, etc. etc. He was just jealous because my son was buying a house 3 miles from us. He is so controlling it is unbelieveable.

Do, what am I feeling depressed about?

April 5, 2001
4:17 pm
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lisa78640
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Dear Depressed Again

I am no expert but no one can tell you that you did the right thing. Only you know. But from what you are saying you are looking for someone to justify your actions. Your actions are very clear. You also stated that he was hurting you in a very big way. Even though you are feeling depressed you also sound happy. I know that it sounds funny but you sound like the weight of the world was taken off your shoulders. He sounds like a royal JERK!!!!!! Don't forget that you are in mourning over the relationship. Everyone grievs after the loss of a relationship some more than others. I was very depressed for a while my doctor was able to help me get over that hump. I am no longer on meds for it and I am feeling very well. Don't be afraid to ask you doctor for help. It's ok. As time goes on you will start to feel better about yourself. Why don't you try to get a house of your own and get a roommate from work or maybe a good friend would like to share your space. Just remember that there is always one counslor who knows all and will always be there for you. Just ask and you will recieve.

take care
lisa

April 5, 2001
9:23 pm
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Molly
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Sweetie, of course you did the right thing, this guy is a selfish , self centered, inconsiderate, possible woman hater. He will constantly be there for his kids, out of his guilt, for giving so much time to women,he does not know how to take a stand for his woman, or give her the respect a wife deserves. My second husband was like this I am wife #4, shameful isn't I was young nieve, and though he had a good story for the past three. Our first years together were a sick ride of bliss and hell. He wanted nothing to do with my children, they lived with us, stating that they had a father, he didn't want me arround his kids as they had a mother. We went to a wedding once, and were all seated at the back of the room and ignored. When his step father died, I got to the morturary before him, and was not allowed in the family room during the rosary. his wifes girl friend laughed at me the whole time. When we went to the funeral reception, his mother said give away all the floweres, when his sis saw that I had one , she boldly stated that fu*****, Bi*** isn't taking any of our flowers, when I told him what she said, he said what am I supposed to do. Well I gathered up my stregnth, and left as soon as my daughter graduated, now my story has some what of a different twist, my guy did some real work, he went through anger management, started watching his diabetes, and realized who and what I was, and what he caused. I came back, its ok now, It is working, but forever, it depends on my finances, and energy levels. Its hard to say, but when its not equal, its not right, he should cherish you, he should respect you, and he should be a part of your family. When you get sad at your loss, celebrate the dignity that you now have. That is what worked for me, I was truly more happy single, just doing my own thing with my own kids. No one else to get in the way, the bitch of divorce, and divorces is all the crap that comes out of the suitcases once they are unpacked. Love, and live your better off with out him, hit the highway, and see the sights, sounds like you are financially stable, so go for it, learn what we didn'twhen we were young.b

April 6, 2001
7:25 am
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Lisa,

Thanks for your response. Every little word I read from listeners helps me make it through a few more hours. I am going to the doctors for meds next week. I filed for divorce last year at this time and ending up cancelling it (lost alot of money to the lawyer). Anyway, I went through the same thing (went on meds). I only was on them for 2 months before I stupidly went to him one day and put my arms around him and said "I don't want this at our age". He never talked about why I filed for divorce or what should happen when we went back. This is what drove me NUTS! He NEVER talked about ANYTHING with me - only to yell and scream when he didn't get his own way. No sympathy when I was sick - void of all emotions. Well, this time I wasn't going to be the one to put my arms around him and ask to try again - and guess what -- that's something he would never do - he just let it happen and showed absolutely no emotion other than anger!

I am just grieving I know that - but I don't know how long I can take the hurt and pain. Sometimes I wake up and say "it's not worth living if I can't get any relief from this pain".

It sounds like your not sure about me living in with my son and family. That's what I need to hear - advice from anyone!!!!!! I have seen where it has worked in some homes (the mother moving in and helping). I am just soooo afraid to come home to an empty house and cook for one person and live alone. Sure, I have friends, but all of them are married. I can have their company a couple of times a week, but then I'm going back home to loneliness. Hearing my own footsteps only at night. Watching tv alone. Eating alone. It sounds terrifying to me.

I just thought rather (at my age 58 1/2) than to start up a new mortgage payment - I could be giving money to the kids for staying with them. I love to cook and I could take a load off their busy schedule. Not that I would be a housemaid for them. They said that my grandson is not my responsibility and they wouldn't expect that from me. I just felt coming home to people I love and having someone who needs me help the healing process. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I've been living at my girlfriend's house now for 2 months (he's still in our house until the end of the month - closing then). I know my friend doesn't mind me living there temporarily, but I have to make a decision and I'm STUCK! I blame that on my frame of mind. Why can't I stop thinking about him and what HE'S DOING! Why should I care - I left him! It just hurts that he's been so cold - not showing me that I disrupted his life in anyway or that I hurt him. He has always been that way in that he shows he's sooo "STRONG" nothing bothers him. But, anytime a sad movie came on TV he would sit there with a box of Kleenex (literally). Now you tell me how someone could cry at something on TV and never show an emotion going through us losing everything we had built together. I'm dying and he seems able to handle it, although his sister (the ONE time I talked to her said he's in denial and he is absolutely pitiful). Why couldn't he come to me and say he didn't want this to happen?

Oh heck, there I go again - rambling on!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just don't understand!

April 6, 2001
8:31 am
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Thanks to you also for your advice. I NEED ADVICE desperately. You say you went back to your husband and it's working? I'm very happy for you. Also, you said you enjoyed it when you were single? Which is the better life?

Why do I keep torturing myself because I haven't heard from him? I left the middle of February. He called me the first week and we went out to dinner (just to get the bills settled). He asked me again the following week to dinner. I went and was totally convinced at the end of the night that I made the right decision. All he talked about was HIMSELF. Never a mention that he was hurting or that he was concerned about me. But, now it's been 4 weeks and I have not had any calls from him and it hurts. The closing is at the end of April, so I guess I'll see him there. Plus he has to get in touch with me to pay the utility bills, etc.

I was really hurt this week when a neighbor friend of my told me "I see your husband had a garage sale in the yard over the weekend". She said she saw redwood furniture and other stuff out in the yard. Well, I was supposed to get half of the porch furniture, but couldn't store it so left it. It just hurts so much to see all we worked for gone!

Maybe I should just go buy a very small, modest house. But, do I want the responsibility of a house? I can't answer my own questions. I just don't know what to do. I HATE apartment living. I feel so locked up in a high-rise, etc. YUCK!!!!!! I know there are probably other options - trailer parks (yuck). I'm too young for some things and too old for other things. I can't believe something like this happened at this time in my life. I guess it's my fault - I had not business marrying someone I only knew for 9 months. Now I'm suffering for that stupid move.

ANYONE if you have ideas and suggestions for me, I would be able to gather all answers and all the experiences some of you have been through and use it to help me make a decision.

April 6, 2001
3:36 pm
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Dear Depressed Again

Sometimes we need to ramble on. It is a form of releasing. It is very good thearpy. So just keep on doing it. If you think that you and your daughter can live in the same house together and get along then go for it. It has been my unfortunate experience that two queens in one household usually doesn't work. If you think that you two can make it work maybe this is what you need until you feel stable enought to try it on your own. Your son and daughter sound like very good people to me. May be this is what you need, try it for a while and see where it goes. Don't stop talking. Getting things off our chest is a great release of emotions. Does you son have any animals such as a cat of dog??? They to are great stress relivers. Just by stroking a cat of dog has proven to reduce stress. I read an article on this in the ladys home journal. As far as the grieving part it could take a little while or a long time, it all depends on you. The more you talk the sooner it may happen. You sound better today than you did the other day. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. In the mean time I will keep you in my prayers and may God bless you in every way and help you threw this

lisa

April 9, 2001
6:50 am
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Lisa,

Thank you SO MUCH for answering. I ran to the computer this morning just to see if anyone out there was listening and there you were with some very good advice.

I feel a "little" better today - but the dark cloud is still there. My daughter-in-law and son insist that I at least come and try it with them. She said the kitchen could be all mine (ha-ha). I'm sure that will help them and I love to cook. I guess I'll leave all of my furniture in storage until I decide if it's going to work or not and just take my bedroom set.

I just get so depressed (in and out all day long). I keep dwelling on how could I have lost my whole life at my age!!!! I LOVED my home and felt so safe and secure there. Now, I feel like a gypsy even though it was my decision to leave. I saw "HIM" this weekend riding past the restraunt my daughter-in-law and grandson had just come out of - I don't know whether he saw us or not. Of course he would never have acknowledged us anyway because he had no room in his heart for my son or daughter-in law. I can't begin to figure out why. They NEVER did anything to him. Only his two daughters were of any importance.

I don't know what his plans are after he leaves the house (he's still in there). I'm praying that he moves back where he came from - there's no room in the town for both of us. I dread running into him. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach when I see him - like "how could you be such a jerk to let this happen". He was ALWAYS so stubborn - he would NEVER give in on any argument or anything first. He told me he didn't speak to his one daughter for over a year and it was his other daughter that begged him to talk to her again and encouraged it. He never spoke to her first. His ego is the biggest I ever saw EVER. Normal people give in when they think they are wrong - but he never apologized for one thing that he did to me. He left a package with some of my mail in my son and daughter-in-law's doorstep. He's so stubborn - he won't call me for any reason.

Thanks you again so much Lisa for responding. I'll be looking forward to hearing from you again. I just felt like crying when I saw your response - I couldn't believe someone took the time to help me - someone I don't even know.

God bless you!

I have to see him on the 29th of April and I DREAD IT! That is the date for the closing on the house. I will feel soooo bad after it's been made final.

April 9, 2001
8:31 am
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Dear Depressed Again,

You know that you don't have to sign any papers on the house. Since you do not plan on living there any more why should you be responsible for half the debt. Make him responsible for the debt. Should he walk away from the house you could be help responsible for the debt owed on the house. Please don't make the same mistake I made many years ago. It has haunted me forever and ruined my credit. I am glad that you plan to live with your son and his wife. This may be great for you to help you get over this hump. That grey cloud will take a little while to get rid of it took me almost 5 years. But I got threw it with the help of my friends and I have confidence in you that it to will pass. One day you will find that it is gone. Time heals all wounds. Friends help too. Would you like to get my e-mail address??? I can always be a friend that will listen. I am glad to hear that this morning you got up and felt better. Some mornings will not be so good and some mornings will be great!!!! You take care and may God bless you in many ways today and everyday.
lisa

April 9, 2001
8:47 am
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grass
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I just thought I'd give a little input. You say that you like to ramble, which is a great thing, ...so I was wondering if you have tried writing a letter to him (but don't really give it to him!) just as if you were going to. It can be 20 pages...don't flower it up... just pour out all of the (in the words of Ledeska) poisen out of you. It will hurt but oh so releiving. Try it and then go to the gym and work off all of the anger. (knowbody is to old to work-out 🙂 Take care of YOURSELF hun.

April 10, 2001
6:22 am
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Lisa,

Oh yes, I would very much like to have your email!!!!!!!! None of my friends really understand what I am going through. They are VERY supportive of me, but they think "Well, YOU made the decision to leave so why can't you get on with your life?" I had 3 really good days Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And I was so excited -- I thought the hurt was almost gone. Then yesterday when I woke up I didn't think I could put one foot in front of the other. I am sooo depressed again. I think the thing that is hurting the most is the believe I have that HE is not hurting at all. He never showed ANY emotion EVER and now I think he is just moving on with his life and he's not hurting at all.

All he would have had to do was to apologize at any point for kicking my Xmas gifts across the floor and I would have tried to work with him on our other problems, but I just felt "if that's all the respect you have for me -- then I'm outta here". I took care of him, I washed his clothes, dinner on the table EVERY NIGHT, etc. I just tried so hard to make it a very stable marriage. I never had a home like what we had and I was very proud of it. I'm struggling with the fact that "how could he just let everything go - when all I wanted was an apology - just to hear him say I'm sorry for what I did. But, he is so cold and unemotional that he ignored my feelings and just ignored me for the next two months. I moved into the other bedroom thinking this would tell him how serious I was, but he absolutely showed NOTHING!!! You have no idea how emotionless he was. Which means here I am choking back the tears daily and he's going on with another life (I don't even know his plans or where hes going, because he never calls). We have the closing on April 29th and I know I'll have to see him there. I am dreading it. I know I have to hold up, but it's going to be the hardest thing to do - sitting with a young couple who is buying my house. The one I spent 7 years fixing up for us to be happy in.

If you have time Lisa, please email me and thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time for me. Here I am now (at work) tears running down my eyes!!!!!!! I've got to hold up!!!!!!! Why doesn't God just take me????????????//

April 10, 2001
6:31 am
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Grass,

Thanks sooo much for your advice. It reminds me of last year at this exact same time when I filed for divorce. I will try (at some point) to write that letter. But, last year I did write a letter and gave it to him telling me some of the things that I was feeling and what I thought about the things he was doing to me that were wrong. Guess what - I found the letter in the garbage can that night and he NEVER talked about that letter to me after we got back. That's what I mean - I was talking to a WALL! He never answered me when I asked him things. All he ever did was defend his actions by yelling and screaming and slamming doors. He would turn everything around and blame me for his actions. I think (to this day) he doesn't think he did anything wrong!!! I went on depression medicine a year ago, but stopped taking it when we reconciled. Oh and by the way I WAS THE ONE THAT WENT UP TO HIM AND PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM AND SAID "I REALLY DON'T WANT THIS DIVORCE - DO YOU?" He said no = not at our age. So I went off the medication a month later because I was sooo happy again thinking we were going to make it work. But, he made no changes towards me. It was like living with a business partner. No emotion. I don't understand how someone could not show someone how they feel.

Thanks for listening~

April 10, 2001
10:42 am
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grass
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Just remember that you do not acctually have to give him the letter, it for your therapy... I hope that a rainbow comes down and shines on your day 🙂

April 10, 2001
11:06 am
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Grass,

Thanks for responding. I will think about that! Right now I'm just to depressed to think about it. I thought about what you said - I even picked up a pen and the pit of my stomach ached and I couldn't do it. It seems that at this precise moment of this day - I'm not angry - I'm sooo sad. A few weeks ago I was very angry at him and probably could have (maybe should have done it then). Right now I'm choking back tears trying to work and put on a good front for everyone. I went to Bingo last night with a few of my friends and the tears were dripping on my bingo cards. Then I had to straighten up real fast cause I didn't want anyone to know. I continued to laugh and joke around and a few of my friends think I'm over him. I guess because I don't talk about it to anyone. The tears are falling right now!!!! UGH!!!!!

Thanks for your word and thoughts and caring enough to respond.

April 10, 2001
1:14 pm
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you should be able to contact all about counseling at their contact us box and request my e-mail address. I will contact them and let them know that it is ok for them to give it to you. Please let me know when you get it. I am so looking forward to being able to talk to you.
lisa

April 10, 2001
5:34 pm
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Molly
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So where did you put your anger, what about all those times, you felt inadequate, what about all the times it was about him, and not you, what about your family, feeling equal and loved, surely you can muster something besides the pain of disappointment. I bet maybe he was like this when you met him, and you thought with love this will change? Its hard I know, but get angry, stop crying. He is the victim because he let you go, you are not the victim because you wanted respect.

April 11, 2001
6:31 am
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Lisa,

I tried contacting "all about counselling" at their contact us box and I got a response "UNABLE TO LOCATE SERVER NAME". Would you be able to request MY email address from your end?

Hoping to hear from you - - - - - -

April 11, 2001
7:37 am
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Depressed Again
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Molly,

Your absolutely RIGHT! I did lose my anger temporarily. It's back today. I forgot about the reasons WHY I left. I started thinking about the "good" times we had (which were really not very many upon thinking back). I believe HE is the one who is suffering from depression. I told him that last year when I was going to leave him. Basically, he was never any fun. He never laughed (if he did it was obvious to me that it was a phony laugh). His personality was such that he was (it's hard to explain), he could fix anything and I would depend on him to fix this or fix that. But, in a way it was like living with a father figure (even though I never grew up with a father). He came across as very strict and never bending on anything. He would offer advice to everyone (whether they wanted it or not). He was the kind of guy that would say "when I was a kid - I walked to school in my barefoot all the way "uphill". And I had TWO and THREE jobs growing up. Everyone today should have to work like I did, blah, blah, blah, on and on. This person isn't living his life the right way and that person should be doing this. He knew everything everyone else should be doing.

Every weekend we did what he wanted to do -- go to auctions and flea markets (EVERY WEEEKEND). He was always looking for a good deal that he was going to make a million dollars buying and selling stuff that I couldn't be bothered with. I went with him at first, but then I got sooooo bored. He never said "what do you want to do this weekend?" He is so compulsive. He went and bought $3,000 worth of Budweiser steins and he has been setting up in flea markets trying to sell them for the last 5 years. He's obsessed with it. Lately, he started buying hunting rifles and is trying to sell them. Last year he went and spent money on getting a real estate license, but never passed the one part of the test. So, that went by the wayside. I just never knew what he was going to get into next and it scared me. He would say "I'm going out and buy some farmland somewhere", etc. I asked him last year - what do you want in your life. His answer - "I don't know what I want to do with my life". Well, duh = your 62 years old - don't you think you should know by now? (I didn't say that, but I wanted to). I think when I came along I was just another "good deal" for him. I was stable and had a good job that I've been in foralmost 25 years now.

Thanks Molly so much and your absolutely right. I left him because I did demand respect - if not anything else. I went along with everything he wanted till it came to that day he kicked my Xmas gifts across the floor. I never deserved that treatment and I will not tolerate it from anyone. None of my family or friends would have done that to me, so why should I take it from him. I felt if I didn't take a stand, I would be letting myself wide open for more disrespect. If I could only maintain this attitude and not fluctuate I could heal. But, when I get depressed - I go all the way to the bottom.

Your helping me more than you can know. You sound so wise and just seem to say the "right things" when I need to hear him. I guess when I talk about "him" I'm looking for someone to analyze him and help me understand WHY he acted like this towards me. I was so passive in the relationship, but when I occasionally took a stand against what he wanted to do, then it was like I attacked him physically. He would go on a tirade. Maybe if I could understand "him", I would heal faster. When we first got married 6 1/2 years ago, I'll never forget his sister making the comment "If he blows this marriage, I'll kill him". I think maybe I understand what she meant now. She knows more about him than I do and I think she was hoping that he would stay with me. Since he was divorced twice before me, she thought this was the best he ever had and wanted him to be happy with me. But, I don't really think now that he could be happy with anyone for very long unless it's someone who doesn't respect themselves. If he found someone to be his puppet there would never be another divorce.

Again Molly, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for being there. I was so happy to see your response and also to Lisa. It has helped me more than you'll ever know.

April 11, 2001
12:41 pm
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Living with some one with 62 years o baggage is like a pandoras box. You may never find resolve with him, like a birth defect that you were blind to in the beginning. Especially since you had such a short court ship. I would bet that this man, basically a good person, has real issues with women, has shut down emotionally, is very needy( does not like to be alone) but doesn't fully join in a relationship. He is a charmer, good looking, but not deep at all. The father likeness, could be the controlling manor he demonstrates, goes through the motions, but won't allow him self to feel. Pull out a picture of you before you met him, and look at a picture of you recently. Tell me there is not a difference, like did he suck the joy right out of you? Living with depression is contagious, living with unmet needs creates depression, being lonely creats depression, bet you didn't have many mutual friends either huh? So missy depressed again, see the light, now reach for it. It is scarey to be alone at this age, like all the fantasies are dead, we just need to create new fantasies!!! You sound like you have financial stability, that is signifigant, imagine being dependent in this situation. So take up some new interests, go buy something purple, and think Goddess, in controll of your own joy. Its not you!!!! Get out there and celebrate your freedom, so you made a wrong turn but your off that highway now, and on the right road. Don't let him see you sad at the closing, spruce your self up, and for God sake, put a stone in your pocket, and when you feel the feeling reach for the stone, and break out with laughter. Cause your solid as a rock.

April 11, 2001
1:48 pm
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Oh WOW Molly! You described him to a "T". He IS basically a good person (this is why I get so confused). He does HATE to be alone and yes I believe your right in that he has shut down emotionally towards women. He IS a real charmer with everyone he just meets. He is very good looking too! (Not just my opinion) I thought I was so fortunate to meet someone like this. He must have as you say "real issues with women". And he never fully joined into a relationship with me especially - I always felt something lacking. Everything was too contained. He would never let his hair down with me or with anyone I guess cause everything was always a "show". He like I said refused to show emotion. He always portrayed that he was so strong. Nothing could ruffle his feathers.

Yes and your also right - the longer I stayed in the marriage the more I felt alone. Not knowing how he thought or felt didn't help my ego any. I felt depressed because he was always there for everyone but me and I couldn't get through to him to tell me how he felt or just to tell me he loved me once in awhile. The one thing I still don't understand - I know he hates to be alone - but was it more important to him to keep his pride and not apologize and lose me?

Mutual friends? No! There were "his" friends and "my" friends. He would only sit back and not join in any conversations when I tried to take him around my friends. At the very beginning he put on the charm (before we were married). Everyone thought he was so wonderful and quite the charmer and a good catch. I was always my jovial old self around his friends until I got tired of just being with his friends (and by that I mean - 1 set of friends from his past). I stopped participating because he wouldn't do things with my friends.

I can guarantee you one thing Molly - he will never see me sad at the closing!!!!!!!! I will be by usual smiley self. Nothing overdone - I will be just me. I would NEVER give him the satisfaction that I was hurting in any way. I think that's why I chucked the idea of the big "S" word - I won't give him the satisfaction to know how much he has hurt me and how depressed I have been!

I will go on with my life and I am thankful I am financially stable enought that I wasn't STUCK forever in that relationship. I will try real hard not to think about where he is and what he is doing with his life because it won't help me get to where I can hold my head up and truly walk away.

On and off again today I shed a few tears! The real estate person just called me today to verify the closing and my stomach dropped. But I will survive that day and maybe that will be the end. I know time heals all. I just have to do what you say and reach for the light. It all sounds so easy when you say it. I promise I will try.

April 11, 2001
3:34 pm
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What ever you do, do not think that reaching for the light is easy, I fear that you might feel inadequate. It takes practice, and determination, we must become our own comfort,with a little help from friends, but it takes damn hard effort. Your guy I bet was very insecure inside, thus the lack of social stuff, easier to be a legend in your own mind, when your isolated, or just surface stuff. I would almost imagine that most of the day to day was boring, and just when it felt like things were going good, upps drama, fire things up a bit, like an unexpected blow to the stomach, then the honeymoon? Not hard to figure, but when the individual is shut down, and fearful of more than surface, that is the M.O. I bet he wasn't real fond of you attending his families functions either. Fear ful that you may perhaps hear more things like his sis said, clues as to the real person. Resistance to your family stuff, because they might call his act. Just this side of abuse, half a relationship vs full committment, then too its all your fault, because after all what didn't he do , he tried, so kill me for being boring, sound familiar? He used you as his mommy, not having a clue as to have a real relationship, thus picking a solid woman, with a job, and financial security, to cook, clean, and be there for when he needed servicing. Not to much responsibility, but THERE. Sorta like a couch. Don't even guess how I know. Hehehe 🙂

April 12, 2001
6:43 am
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Hi Molly,

Your like my "lifeline". You can't believe how much it makes me move on when I open up my mail and get your messages. You understand so much what I'm going through and no one can understand unless they have been there themselves. Thank you for that!!!

I know reaching for the light is not going to be easy. I have to learn to support myself emotionally. That's so hard for me because my life long dream has "always" been just to be married and have that "companionship" we all need. But, I give up with the idea that I'm not whole because I don't have anyone. I will practice becoming single again. Hopefully, it won't take the rest of my life. I was single for 26 years always praying I would meet someone who didn't cheat on me and wasn't an alcoholic. Just be careful what you ask God for. He gave me exactly what I thought I wanted - but guess what? I was so inexperienced in life that I never thought that there could possibly be other issues to create problems in life. Everything would work out if he didn't drink or cheat.

I just keep realizing over and over and over again how he never smiled or laughed or had fun. His social skills around family for terrible. The only place he excelled was when he was out in the public flea markets trying to sell his wares. He would ACT so jovial! I pictured our life together and it was all SERIOUS conversations always. He would come home and complain about his work and how no one was doing their job the right way, etc. I'm sure your right now that I look back that he felt very insecure around my family or friends. Why, I don't know. Other than he was very, very insecure in himself and I was blind to that. The only person he truly felt secure around was his one daughter and I can guarantee you she knew exactly how to play him. She would tell him everything he wanted to hear. I'm sure she's looking for the big payoff at the end of his life. That's not to make me sound wicked, but I listened to her and knew she would agree with everything he told her to do, but do what she wanted anyway. I never had a problem with her. My problem was that I wasn't getting any attention from him, but he would jump at the chance to help her. I think he IS very insecure even more than I am and I know I am very insecure. I will admit it, but he would never. I think he was as you say "looking for a solid woman", but I would look around the house and say I might as well be this piece of furniture here, because it gets no more attention than I get.

Everything was always my fault. When I would bring something up he would just turn it around. You were right! I would go crazy knowing I didn't do anything wrong.

You wouldn't be here on this site if you haven't also been hurt in your life - I can tell because of what you say. Only those who have been there can understand fully. How are you now? Did it take many moons for you to heal too?

I will start healing now I hope! Yesterday was a very bad day, today I'm hoping will be better and the next even better. There is no way to end the pain until time heals it.

Please reply - I enjoy you!

April 12, 2001
1:14 pm
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Yea, I've done my share of "ah has" I asked my husband just last night why do I always have to learn the hard way? I just got done posting to Ranmar, regarding his marriage struggles, life is just learning to accept, and move on, we create what we get and attitude is everything. It is a struggle. Its so funny yesterday in conversation with the manager of my office, she is lesbian, she was talking about all the heterosexual women she knows have just had it with men!! I told he to get that gleem out of her eye.:) Its just that women need women, and never before have we been so isolated, put so much pressure on our mates, never before so much divorce, its tough to develop foundations for us with all the revolving families, and problems created. I have been going through changes that I created with employment, adjusting to empty nest syndrome, and my daughters growth in to individuals,realizing that I am at mid life, and due to the struggles not much to show but some lessons learned, so I share what was given to me a couple of years ago when I decided to reclaim me. I do ok, I need to have some more fun, some more joy, and its harder and harder to find. But I appreciate the little things now more than ever. That learning to be complete with you, was the hardest lesson, that its not the mate that completes you. It took time and lots of hard bouts, but life boring that it is sometimes, is really good right now.

April 12, 2001
2:03 pm
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Molly,

A-t-t-i-d-u-d-e ! Your right. Attitude means everything! My attitude today has been good. I (today) have accepted what has happened to me and am going to look ahead. It's funny tho - when I had my mate, I had a different attitude. I felt whole. Even tho we had the problems, and I felt bored at times, but I always was so grateful to have someone to share my life with. I liked being a couple. If so many things wouldn't have gotten in the way, I would have gone on, but I couldn't when it came to him disrespecting me. Having a good job was never a struggle for me but having a relationship has always (my whole life) been difficult. Something you want to badly it seems becomes untouchable. I enjoyed having someone to come home to and do things for. I am glad for you that life is good for you. You sound like a caring person whose man should thank God for you. My lesson is to learn to be "whole" with just myself. I don't know how in earth I'm going to learn how to do this when I haven't been successful since I first discovered MEN. Your office manager is right - only women know what women need and want. Why are men such people?

Please don't go away Molly. Today is good - what about tomorrow or the next day? I may need to come back and visit when things get tough again (the closing will be bad for me).

I never had a problem with the emply nest syndrome. My son and I keep in touch and he has a beautiful and caring wife. Tomorrow we will take the grandson and go to the zoo. I must keep the mind occupied at all times not to slip back into the "deep dark hole" again. Why is it we all want something we can't have in life. Each of us suffers from some sort of malfunction, but I guess how we handle dissapoint is the lesson we are put here to learn.

Keep in touch please!

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