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dependent personality disorder female involved with male paraphile
January 19, 2007
9:47 am
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night angel
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I have found myself in an intimate relationship for the last two years with a 67 year old man that 4 weeks ago I discovered was involved in Bondage and preoccuped with sexual fantasies on the internet which he recieves sexual gratification by producing pain to a submissive. He is on the computer constantly and when I call he is like in a trance. He has began to pull away from me and gets angry and feels threatned by me, stating that I didn't want him to have any excitement. We do not live together but have spent every week-end together Fri night thru Monday morning. Since this has developed we have only seen each other 3 times in the last 6 weeks. He has asked that we no longer get together on Friday nights as he is too tired as he is still working a full time job. This man is impodent and has been since young adulthood. The extent of his sexual performance is through petting only. He enjoys using sexual toys which I declined when introduced to me at the beginning of the relationship. Any advice or information anyone can give me would be appreciated as I am trying to work through this to see if I want to stay in the relationship

January 19, 2007
10:02 am
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truthBtold
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night angel,

There are some serious red flags here you might need to consider!!!!

What does you gut tell you?

January 19, 2007
12:27 pm
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gracenotes
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night angel,

These sound like serious problems. This is a serious addiction he has, and, when people are addicted to something, they cannot be there for you. With his anger, it even sounds like he is resentful of you standing in the way of his addiction. Even if they are there in person, he may very well be fantasizing about their addictive activities in their mind all the time. This sounds like an adddiction, just as strong as drugs, and he constantly needs his "fix".

This problem of internet sexual addicition is growing and doing something about healing this involves extensive treatment. Sadly, your friend seems to be more in the addiction and the denial of its effects than he is into having a relationship with you.

Red flags? Absolutely!

January 19, 2007
12:42 pm
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Shaney
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"...I am trying to work through this to see if I want to stay in the relationship."

You gave me many many reasons why this relationship makes you feel uncomfortable, but not one reason that it makes you happy. I think you pretty much have your answer. From what you've described, the relationship has only gotten worse, and there doesn't seem to be a desire on his part to make it any better. In fact, he desires to see you less and less. His sexual fantasies seem to be his number one focus... more so than any real relationship here. This is really no way for you to live, in my opinion. I think you would endure less pain if you left him, than if you stayed. Good luck.

January 20, 2007
8:34 am
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night angel
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Thank all of you who responded to my post. Grace I particularly appreciated your input. Red Flags most definitely! As a spiritual counselor/healer I work with many forms of addicition and illness's and recognize those signs. It still amazes me how that we healers find it so easy to help others and have such a difficult time when it appears in our own "space". That old saying "Physcian heal thyself" comes to mind. I think I have worked through "my" issues with this relationship but continue to seek guidance in what is right and appropriate as a counselor/healer here. Having made a choice myself, in that I do not want him or a relationship that is dysfunctional, is it possible for me extend help of any kind to him.

Perhaps I miscommunicated information in my first post. Let me try again to communicate it correctly. It is me that is wanting out of the relationship, not him. I reconize that we are both dysfunctional and this is not a healthy relationship. It is him that is pushing to continue the relationship in some form although it even evolves into just being friends. I have shared with him all the reasons that I believe that is not possible. He has persuaded me to have dinner out with him tonight, picking me up at my home and returning me home, much as a normal, regular type date. The point of the date is hopefully to talk. If he communicates a desire to stay in this relationship for any reason, the remaining issue for me is in what capacity if any, should I, or can I, remain in the relationship. Removing my feelings and attachment to him from the scenario, would it be possible or even beneficial for him, to offer only to be there for him as a life coach, confidant, counselor? Taking into consideration the "Red Flags", the only possible means of communication between us would have to be in public, "safe places" and through e-mail and the phone. Never in places where the opportunity of intimacy might become a problem. Realizing that my dependent disorder might still be at play here, I do not want that to be the driving force in continuing any further with him.

January 20, 2007
11:02 pm
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gracenotes
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night angel,

In all honesty, and I am speaking because I can relate to this kind of thinking. Its not really letting go if you think or have fantasies of wanting to be his life coach, confidant, counselor. That is kind of of one-up role to be for him in his life, and sounds like a rescusing,codependency scenario. With my ex no contact person I found myself having these fantasies of wanting to be some kind of hero, do-gooder, healing force, whatever. But, as I continued no contact, I realized the healthiest possible thing for me to do was to just let the other person be. Besides, my help was not wanted on any level anyway. It does not sound like he wants to be healed of anytning anyway. That is your agenda, not his.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but there is more peace and healing for you if you can get past these ideas and fantasties of healing/rescusing and move forward into realy letting go. When I was in this place in my mind, it was really an uncomfortable place to be. The benefit of really letting go is that one begins to own more of one's own self once again.

January 21, 2007
10:06 am
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night angel
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Thank you so much Grace. This will be my final post here as I have resolved the issue. I think I needed to have the open communication with him that we had after dinner last night to validate my gut instincts. It was difficult for me to make a decision to stay in the relationship until he validated that he is and has been involved in this type of sexual fantasy acts for 39 years. For me it was important to rule out that any of my disorders were not at play here. After he validated his addiction it was very easy for me to end the relationship immediately. Oddly enough he persisted still in wanting things to be as they had been or to just be friends. Told him there was no way. I desire a healthy, functional relationship and he could not give me that in the form of significant other OR as a friend. The door is shut on this experience. I am taking only the lessons learned from it and moving forward with my life journey. The biggest lesson that I learned from this experience is to listen to your gut instincts, Believe in yourself and your ability to identify and acknowledge those feelings then act on them accordingly.

January 21, 2007
12:27 pm
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gracenotes
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night angel,

It sounds like you have resolved this pefectly for you and have learned some valuable lessons along the way. That's great! My best to you!

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