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Dependency on Lover
May 7, 2000
8:36 pm
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7angel
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I feel that my happiness is too dependent on
my boyfriend. I am dependent on what he says and what he does, and if he says something wonderful to me, I feel ecstatic, but when he says something negative to me or about me, I feel depressed and that he doesn't love me. I know this is wrong, and I need advice from you guys. Right now, for now, he wants to be friends because our relationship has turned uncomfortable although he still loves me. Now I am depressed because of this, that he wants to be friends for now. Please Help!

May 8, 2000
5:45 am
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Iris
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Please tell us more about yourself.I would like especially to know what things you are proud of, and what do you want from life?
For now accept friendship and be proud of it.

Talk to you later.

May 8, 2000
6:37 am
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janes
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7Angel....
Accept his friendship and then concentrate on doing things that make YOU happy that do not include him. Not that he is bad or anything..but as you said yourself.. You happiness is too dependent on him. Fact is...even if this relationship ends today you will be to dependent on your next boyfriend. It gets to be a cycle.

Find out just exactly WHO you are without other people involved. Then work on that self. The boyfriend who will be Mr. Right will be the person who is also happy in their own self. The two of you will be a great coouple.

However..if you keeptaking your happiness from someone else...your happiness will never be truly yours and neither willl your life.

May 8, 2000
12:08 pm
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7angel
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Gosh, it's really hard because I've tried to see what does make me happy and I can't really think of anything. It's like, if I don't have him, I won't be happy. It sounds do sad! i know! A lot of things throughout the day just stimulate negative things whenever I am not with him. I kind of knew that I would be dependent on him when I first got into the relationship. I gave up time for him, I did this for him, I did that for him, but he doesn't do that. He finds time for himself. I don't know how to do that because I have always been dependent on friends and if I am alone, I feel unhappy. Believe me, I am trying to find ways to make myself happy, minus anyone else, I've been trying for the past year, Also, inadequate feelings rise up even if our relationship is happy, and that is what caused distance b/w us, because of new worries that come up even when we are fine. I just want to find a way to control these worries and be happy. I just want to. It's not easy. thank you for your input.

May 8, 2000
12:30 pm
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Jasmine
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that's the way the story goes. If you continue to be pushy, u'll lose him forever, even as a friend.

It sounds rather blunt, but may I ask: how's your life BEFORE you meet him? I've been thinking about this since I broke up with my ex. I felt depressed since we ended our relationship, with no apparant reason. just because he 'feels' sth wrong.... Like you, I felt I couldn't be happy w/o him, as we're so happy when we were together..... After hundreds, and hundreds and hundreds hours of thinking, I guess, that's the most important question that I have to think about in detail, for my own sake. I mean, if you already feel unhappy/unsatisfied before you met him, then the 'thing' that making u unhappy is not his leave at all. Maybe sth's already been missing/or too much in your life, u got to search it out. If u'r happy and satisfied before u met him, why don't just live like the YOU before? I guess, the satisfaction from your relationship might keep you from seeing the real picture from your inner self.

May this friendship lead you both to a new healthy stage.

May 8, 2000
1:47 pm
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7angel
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I guess I have been living my life according to the views of others and not myself. Before I got into this relationship, I was really involved in church and wanted to look good as a ministry leader, but also at the same time, wanted men to like me b/c I was this holy, wonderful person. A lot of times, I do things so that ppl like me and think I look good, etc. I do have to start doing things for myself. It's so hard because of the pressures of everyday life and because of everyone else's expectations of you. I mean, I've always done what other ppl tell me to do. It's time for me to do what I want to do. I love my boyfriend a lot. And I am willing to work on our friendship, with no expectations. I really hope that we will work out. He tells me that we both have a lot of hope, that maybe when he comes back from college (we are presently in a long distance relationship) in two weeks, we will appreciate each other more, because of the distance. I am too afraid of losing him.

May 9, 2000
1:41 am
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Iris
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Be yourself. Do what YOU like to do and what you think good.I am glad you are begining to beleive that you have to start doing things for yourself. Change is not easy, people around you are more comfortable predicting your behavior - the way you always behaved - it is easier for you to do the same old things.But you can change if you WANT. You seem WILLING to do so. This is GROWTH and it is wonderful.

May 9, 2000
6:48 am
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janes
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CODEPENDENT!!!!! Look at this site and others for the definition and the symptoms.

One thing for sure is that codependents are other-centered to the point they have no idea what they feel or think if they don't get it from someone else.

You need to seriously work on finding yourself. You are the only one who can make you happy or satisfied. NO OTHER PERSON CAN GIVE YOU FULFILLMENT!

Forget the expectations of others, what they think of you what they want. Unless something is directly your responsibility..at work, at home then leave it.

You wanted to "look good" as a ministry leader?...looking good is never an adequate reason for doing anything. Feeling good about yourself from the inside out is the only good reason God gives us.

"Love your neighbor as yourself" if you are not loving your self you cannot love others in the way God would have us do.

You need to do things that make you like you not to please others.

You need to study and read up on codependency.

May 9, 2000
11:08 am
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7angel
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Yeh, I realize I am dependent. I also realize that I am very much in love. But I guess loving means that you love the person enough to let him go. *sigh* I am trying. It's a real struggle for me.

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