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dependant personality
December 18, 2004
2:46 pm
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lostforever
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I actually had to have my mother come stay with me last night so i would not call my husband. How childesh is that. I've been doing some reading on dependancy personality and it sounds alot like me. Has anyone had issues with this. I'm so frightened of being alone. my mother was very stricked when i was growing up.And i can see i still depend on her alot. I dont always tell her the truth about what goes on with my husband and me(though i am getting better.) for the fear she will be mad and reject me. Just wondering if anyone has some of theses issues.

December 18, 2004
11:25 pm
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seanymph
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I have my friend call me or I call him whenever I want to contact my ex which is almost every minute of the day its so hard sometimes I cant help it and I do call and it backfires on me its so hard I know its so hard to let go

December 18, 2004
11:49 pm
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ladyvirgo
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This is your life, not your husband's or your mother's.
You are grown up now, and you can be grown up.
My mother was like yours and my brother 'fell for her controlling' behavior and to this day can't decide what he wants to do cause it all seems to scarey!
So you might want to tell your mother (in your mind) that you want to make mistakes and learn - cause that's the only way you'll be able to manage your own life.

If you don't think your mother doesn't make mistakes - she made a huge one in failing to let go control of you when you were old enough to start to look after yourself.

Everything else will fall into place when you can work on your issues with your mother not allowing you to be a whole grown-up person. Her fear for you has gone rancid and is spoiling your life now!

December 19, 2004
8:45 am
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mamacinnamon
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I had a time when my mom had to come stay w/ me at nights. My ex (then my hubby) and I had moved to the city, a bad part of the city, and he filled my head w/ all the things that could happen to me. Mom stayed nights till we moved back to the town I grew up in. I had never lived in and couldnt handle the big city.

I didn't tell my folks things that went on in my marriage. Didn't want to disappoint them or them think I was stupid. Before anyone says it's not their business, let me add that if you are in trouble I don't care how old you are, you can and should tell someone if you are in danger.

Are you and your husband together? I don't know your story to know what you are not telling your mom. I'm not quite getting what you staynig alone and your mom being strict have to do w/ each other. Don't mean to sound stupid here.

December 19, 2004
4:52 pm
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lostforever
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i feel like i have to hide evrything from my mother for the fear of disapointing her. My husband and i are seperated and we did want to work things out now were not so sure we can. My moms knows what has happend its just i cant talk to her about wanting him back because she does hate him and she goes nuts. one time she pulled a gun on me.
She bought me a house this time when i left and i dont know what she will do if she even thinks i'm talking to him.
We have had(husband and I) some pretty horifc fights ,buts thats when were drinking.
I've been sober for 6 months and have no desire to drink. I've seen it ruin my family too much. well i hope this explains some as to the dependant issues.
Dont know how to please anyone and definatly dont know how to please myself

December 19, 2004
10:03 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Lost,

Sorry mom hates him. That does make it hard.

Who pulled the gun on you - mom or hubby? That is not acceptable no matter what.

As for pleasing anyone; that is not your job to do. As for pleasing yourself and learning try the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It will do you alot of good and will help you toward healing. Do you think counseling would be a good idea for you?

Keep talking to us here. That will do you a bit of good just to get it off your chest.

December 20, 2004
6:11 pm
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lostforever
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mom pulled the gun when i decided to go back to my husband one other time. I'm by no means saying me or my marriage or husband have been perfect, but she goes off the deap end when it comes to protecting me. She has my whole life. She is supporting me financially right now due to many medical problems and i feel guilty if i try to make any decsions whatsoever.
Just yesterday my husband had to come to my house to visit his boys because the youngest was sick. My mom and i were going to go shopping so i told her i would call when he left. Well she couldnt wait, she came over here ranting and raving does he need someone to throw him out of here.I just walked out the door and got in the car and he left.
Today she went to dr. with me dropped me off. I had 3 different appointments so when she tried to find me she started to cause a schene in the reception area because noone was sure which dr i was at. (embarrised) I just left.
We came back to my house and were waiting for kids to get out of school, I was cleaning up my house and she was telling me how to do it,telling when i should take my dog out.
I dont ever say anything for fear of disapointing her or making her mad at me.
If she had any idea my husband and i were thinking of working thing out she would imediatly throw me out of the house her and my step dad bought for me.
do you understand the extent of it.
I've lost myself a long time ago(like when i was 10) and how do you find yourself after that long being gone.
How do i learn at 32 to stand up for myself and take care of myself and stop fearing what others might think or do.

December 20, 2004
10:02 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Lost,

I am so sorry. Did not know things were so intense. I have no clue what to tell you to do about your mom. I feel you need to try to detach from her; but on the other hand how will you live if she throws you out. Maybe that's how you and hubby are to get back together; maybe not.

Try to focus on you. On what you need and work on healing you. The rest will work out for the best. Talk to God about it. You'll be in my prayers.

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