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Dementia Grandfather, Fighting Family, Just Trying To Cope...
December 28, 2005
3:09 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello all!

I am quite suprised that I remembered the Password for this site since I am currently in Arizona and using a Borrowed "Communal" computer at my grandmother's "Retirement Community".

I appologise now for the (HORRIBLE) Spelling Errors that will take place but they have no form of spell check so we are all pretty S.O.L. here...

And an appology for the HORRENDOUS length of this letter but I've been here dealing for a few WEEKS now and this is my first time to vent...

So, I have been in AZ for a while now & the "Showing" for my Jewelry didn't go as well as hoped... I had a table here at the Community and a table at the 4th Ave. Art Fair that I got for pretty Cheep and I have, technacly, made my money back I am kinda' depressed that I didn't do as well as hoped.

I then had the hit that my current Doctor, the one that is perscribeing me Effexor SR and Wellbutrin XL will have to drop me as a paitent because of the "Liability Factors" and so I started to cry on the phone and she said that the fact that I was so upset showed how much of a "Liability" I am to him even after I explained that I have no health insurance and so I needed to choose between seeing my Current Doctor & be able to (Kinda) pay for the meds or use the money that is used to pay for the meds on seeing ANY OTHER DOCTOR... (He charges me very little because he is such a wonderful person and is seeing like, HALF my extended family as paitents!) I looked at the phone and even tried to use THAT saying to this woman, "If, god forbid, anything should EVER happen and I did ATTEMPT to sue *Dr.Smith* my WHOLE family would disown me!! They would rather see me lose the lawsuit then lose a doctor that actually cares about his paitents and makes time to see them and fights for both their health and proper medical care and their rights!!"

Well, that did nothing and she just started to get an attitude with me so I said OK, I guess I need to take the last month of med's he authorised to the walgreens and wean myself off and go back to the living HELL that is life without the combo of meds that took me since the AGE OF NINE to find...

FUCK!...OK, I know I shouldn't swear but I am really upset right now...

I have been drinking on and off since I got here because of the stress of the flashbacks when I enter a part of town where I had some traumatic experience and the petty stupidity of my family now that they are all here in town for the holidays...

My Uncle (& His Wife) and my aunt have this whole power struggle going on about my Grandparent's health care and instead of trying to figure out the best way to keep my Alz-h-i-m-ers (I can't spell it) Grandfather from wandering off and in as much comfert as we can provide to him and figuring out a way to keep the stress of my Grandmother having to care for the man she married as if he were a "Bad Puppy" that can't understand why you are mad at him from killing her they keep going back and forth about WHO makes the decision and not actually what HAPPENS!

I wrote a letter to my grandmother's doctor explaining the little things I had picked up while staying with them the extra week like her getting angry all the time and so frustrated with everything that she would break down in tears because she couldn't get my grandfather to get out of his pajamas for dinner...not to even mention the panic attack that was so bad that for the first 24 hours after she had to call 911 we all thought it was a REALLY BAD heart attack!!!!!!!!!

But my family is like the set of Three Monkeys...If they shut their eyes and hold their ears and just "Think Happy Thoughts" then nothing bad is actually happening and it INFURIATES ME!!!

Because of this attitude they are ignoring the "Quality of Life" issues and letting everything aquire a nice, thick, sugar coating and trying to go on as if none of it is happening!!!

It is this same attitude that lead to me being subjected to YEARS UPON YEARS of Neglect, Emotional, and Physical abuse from my pill popping, booze gulping, Mother!!!!!

I can't even get half of them to admit that I EVER TOLD THEM ANYTHING...all the nights on the patio crying because the Bitch (a.k.a. "Mom") was wasted again and wouldn't stop calling while I was at their house for the summer... The 3:00 am phone calls where I cried to them that she had the knife out and was trying to kill either me or my cat...whichever she could get a hold of...

NONE of it ever happened...according to them... and so now this attitude is destroying the last bit of life that my Grandmother has left to enjoy...

My grandfather is pretty bad...he usually remembers who I am (I'm either me or my aunt that died when I was 7...but it is a compliment either way... LOL) but he either thinks that Grandma is his mom or some strange lady there to help take care of him...

He gets the "Twilight" and as soon as the sun goes down he starts asking about who is paying for the hotel they are in and that he has to go out to the basement and talk to "the land lady"...he just can't comprehend that they live in an appartment now...in AZ and not in Chicago...


I just found out that a whole bottle of wine fits into one of my large, plastic, water cups that I always carry around with me...Sigh...

And the worst part of all is that after I wrote the letter (As I said I did above) my Aunt, who went into the doctor's office with my grandmother, got "HIghly Offended" and got wound up to the point where she and my uncle demamded an appology from me!

I ended the appology with "Well, I know that I have accidently offended you MANY tims in the past and that this time will DEFFINATELY not be the last, so for future reference - If I am TRYING to offend you and am LOOKING for that responce from you then I will call you by name... I will say "Frank...I think you are an asshole!" or "Kate...Go to hell". This did have the responce I was looking for of a combination of Confusion/anger/and laughter...

These people need to relaize that the whole world does not revolve around them and to get over themselves...FUCK!!!

So now my father is in town but he has just become so used to the Bullshit that he has become rather apathetic and will just watch the carnage and explosions from the outside instead of trying to actulaly accomplish anything so then I end up being the brunt of the Bullshit since I am the easy target AND if I respond in ANY WAY I am somehow screwing them over... so even though I'm the one getting Butt Raped by them (Verbially) TIME AFTER TIME AFTER TIME if I so much as ask for some extra lube then I"M THE ASSHOLE!!!!!!!! If I ask my aunt to stop making comments about being without a job while attempting to turn my jewlery making INTO MY JOB because it lowers my self esteem and con-fa-dense she goes off about how I'm just too sensative... if she implys that I'm just making up the depression for attention and I point out that I'm trying to get it under control then I AM ANTAGINIZING HER...

Like today...We spent the WHOLE DAY talking about getting Grandma out of the house and to the Botanical Gardens...so she can just enjoy the quiet and the scenery of Tucson...I spent the WHOLE DAY telling them how much I LOVED the Gardens the one time that I got to go years and years ago...I was almost TWITCHING with antisipation of going...But then at THE LAST SECOND my aunt tells me I can't go... I need to stay at the house and hang up pictures...(They moved into their appartment not log ago and so the walls are still bare...) In that last second my whole day was crushed... All the happiness and hope and antisipation was dashed against the rocks... probibly because I was too happy and they can't allow THAT to happen...

THEN I get yelled at by attempting to go to the Theatre that I have Coupons (By 1 get 1) for but then they looked all stupid when we wnet to the next one down and it was the wrong one too...so we ended up driving around until we said screw it and went to the Foothills mall that is rather far away...

So after seeing "Seriana" (Good but conviluted with no real ending and implications that the CIA is REALLY running everything but staring the guy that played Dr. Jewliean Basheer on Startrek Deep Space Nine...) we finally get home to find out that Frank wants to have a "Sit Down" to finish the Deep Decussion that the Siblings had the night before because his Wife INSISTED on coming with because she found out how much fun they had when they went out to dinner alone last Christmas and that we should be locked in their apartment to have this "Discussion" that can ONLY end in everyone (Well, my father and I) just agreeing to whatever they "Decide to do" because they don't listen to a single fucking word we say anyways so no matter what we try to do they end up just doing what they want to anyways...so we need to do things like write letters to the doctor because no one will stand up against what is really going on but then we look like the assholes....

OK, I know that kinda got lost at the end of that pharagraph but the frustration has sorta' overwhlemed my brain for a few moments...

Then to top off this whole Wonderful, Fun, and "Praise Jesus" and be kind to others time of the year my friend in Ohio who is being abused by his parents but can't get anyone to belive him keeps calling because his uncle kicked him out of his house in Flordia because (My friend) was kept up all night which lead to a weakened physical condition that didn't help the anxiety disorder and depression that he suffers from so after getting yelled at for trying to sleep in another room because the family wouldn't get out of the living room and let him sleep he had a REALLY BAD panic attack and locked himself in the bathroom and couldn't stop the hyper-ventalating and crying for an hour and a half so they KICKED THE DOOR DOWN and threw him out of the house...and he is only 16 years old and half a country from where he lives... so of corse he had to call me for help and so his stress and situation just got added on top of the pile of shit that I am already trying to cope with!!!!!!!


OK, I do feel a little better after saying all of that...and some of that wine is kicking in...Which I KNOW isn't the answer and will probibly make the situation worse in the end but helps right this second...

I will be on line for another half an hour or so (1_15 a.m. Tucson time, 3:00 a.m. Chicago Time, 4:00 a.m. (?) Ohio Time) while I check my email but then I will be required by the little baby jesus himself to go have a smoke...

Wish me luck...


December 28, 2005
12:37 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline


I don't envy you - I was in a similar situation not too long ago when my grandma's health deteriorated and my parents and I had to address what to do about it.

We lived with gram and my uncle lived next door and my aunt 30 minutes away.

We had been providing care and knew of all the health and mental issues.

We thought it best to petition the courts for guardianship, so we could handle her finances and her medical decisions, which she was now unable to do herself.

In walks uncle and auntie - who have NO CLUE what is going on - and they start the bitter battle that left my gram to die at my auntie's house - and not in her own like she wanted. Thankfully it wasn't in a nursing home.

In any case - the role we took as caregivers was hard and thankless job. And my uncle and auntie made it very difficult to do. And in the end - we too, got the shaft.

But we will go to our grave knowing we did all we could for gram and had her best interests in mind.

If your family is in a bitter battle - you can go to probate court - and petition them to ASSIGN someone to take over. And that objective third party will decide what is right or wrong for the family. But if family members want the job - which many do - there will be bitter battle for control. The probate judge will see it - and typically have to decide who is more fit and what is best for your grandparents. And if there will be too much fighting - it is usually a third party that will be chosen.

As painful as it was - we had to detach from the situation. Once control was taken away from us - it was only a matter of time before gram died - but in some ways - gram is better off - as her quality of life SUCKED. She sat in a chair staring at walls, unaware of anything - had to be fed, had to be put on the potty chair and told to go - had to wear diapers in between. Just not a way to live. But detaching was the only way for us to retain our sanity.

If there is a "sane", intelligent member of your family - it might be in your grandparent's best interest to discuss seeing a judge about guardianship. The physician will also have to be involved, as they will have to report to the judge what the mental and physical state of your grandparents is. It was GOOD that you wrote that letter - keep loving them enough to do that for them.

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