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define forgiveness
November 28, 2003
4:31 pm
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vegas
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What is forgiveness to you? And I am not interested in a general definition...I am curious what it means to you personally. How you forgave someone...what it felt like to you...how it feels afterward...did it change things?

I can say that I am finally getting out of an after-the-break-up slump. I SAY I have forgiven my ex for all the things he has done and didn't do in our relationship. But, I don't FEEL that peace when I first forgave him. Now it's as if I am numb, apathetic. Is that why there's that saying "4give and 4get"? Am I forgetting?

I don't know. I guess I didn't think this would be what forgiveness felt like.

November 28, 2003
6:17 pm
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sixfootblonde
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I don't know exactly. Rationally I would say forgiveness is letting go of the hurt and the blame and the anger. Not forgetting....I've never bought into that. You can learn and grow so much from nearly every situation, when you look back. To forget would be to lose the lesson, in my opinion.

November 28, 2003
7:15 pm
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Anam Cara
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vegas

Forgiveness occurred many times over my wife . Yes I think actually on four occasions!

I recorded in my day diary that I had forgiven her. The truth is that I had never forgiven her. Oh yes - I asked for help to forgive!

True forgiveness just happened - like a touch on the shoulder - suddenly the cloud lifted from me.

I clearly remember the utter joy of losing the hate. It left me with a happy feeling - a release of great importance.

It also left me with my independence intact - my overall love had been stemmed because of not forgiving. Love must be utterly free to love - if you hold onto hate you are its victim.

What is very important about Forgiveness is - it just is the only way to discover the depth of your soul.

God Bless. Anam

November 28, 2003
10:39 pm
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Ladeska
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Forgiveness to me personally is - letting go of the ugly inside me. Doesn't mean that I'm saying to the person - I accept what you did to me and it's okay. Not by a LONG shot. I just let go of the black stuff in my own heart that keeps turning it over and over and dwelling on it and churning and churning and boiling over with compulsive thinking in their direction. Most people that I've had to "forgive", never changed because I forgave them and I'm REAL clear on that one. So when I forgive someone - it's a way one way street. But it doesn't mean we can be friends or anything like that, just that I'm not going to allow all this stinky stuff in my being anymore. It also means that I'm on high alert for more of the same from this person and will do whatever I have to in order to keep that from happening, whatever that might be, which usually means - kicking them out of my life if the offense was bad enough and happened too frequently. To me - forgiving is releasing.

November 30, 2003
6:56 am
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addicted2LV
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For us to "define forgiveness" would be such a tumultuous task as in asking one to define LOVE itself. Everyone of us have our own opinion of forgiveness, be it contrived from one's life experiences or seen through other's struggles it will have one common factor~it is a gradual process.

Webster defines forgiveness as follows
1 a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for
b : to grant relief from payment of

2 : to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

Personally, I believe forgiveness is not an action, it is not in doing something but rather DISCOVERING something. Be the discovery is in yourself, the situation or the ones you are connected to. Once you start to disconnect yourself from what is affecting you ONLY THEN will the process of forgiveness begin, this is also called letting go. The greatest effort lies in overcoming the programming. Forgiveness, in essence cannot or WILL NOT begin if disengagement is not initiated. That is why I think the saying "4give & 4get" is an oxymoron in itself. Only if the LOVE was truly UNCONDITIONAL to begin with will 4give & 4get be applicable. This would rationalize it and would be already expected from that kind of love. But in the real world nothing is unconditional. Only Christ is capable of this. sixfootblonde nailed it when she said, "To forget would be to lose the lesson". But when you disconnect yourself do it with compassion, then acceptance and soon, cognitively a state of grace with divine timing will overcome you as you reclaim yourself, your feelings and your power and the deamon of dependency will shatter. You will be able to look back wiser, more confident and free from guilt. This is my view on the topic. I believe it would be more appropriate if the topic were "UNDERSTANDING FORGIVENESS" because in "DEFINING FORGIVENESS" one is still hesitating...

November 30, 2003
5:34 pm
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vegas
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Ya know, after reading everyone's posts...I think I know where my problems lies. I think I have forgiven the ex. I don't feel it. But, I would say that I've "let go" of all the things from the past. But, I have not been able to forgive myself...that herein is my problem.

I need to forgive myself for the choices I've made. I chose to love my ex...I chose to stay with him...I chose to tolerate certain things...I chose to lower my standards. I don't really know, or understand, how I can start forgiving myself...cuz there's so much hurt and confusion.

November 30, 2003
9:12 pm
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silk
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Forgiveness to me is setting myself and others free from the debt of our transgressions. It is simply saying, "yes, that happened" and then letting it go. Sometimes I have to do this several times.

December 1, 2003
9:06 am
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HARRYO
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It's hard to forgive when you are hurt. The most vicious and
dysfunctonal of any of the codependent behaviors is to
inflict pain to relieve pain.
Accepting that because we hurt we
have no right to make others
hurt is the first step to
forgiving others.
That is the easy part for codependents.
It's when we can learn how to forgive
ourselves that we are doing the
important "work".

December 1, 2003
9:12 am
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artist 2
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To me forgiveness means "I will forget about this and start over with you, believing in the best from you, and intending the best for you."

December 1, 2003
5:16 pm
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vegas
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But, is forgiveness genuine if you constantly have to remind yourself..."oh yeah, I forgave him/her for that."

December 1, 2003
5:55 pm
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Ladeska
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Vegas.....forgiving self is hard, it's work. As far as - why - that is....tis the question. But one thing I do realize is - we put ourselves in a real different category from other people sometimes. It's like we can be sooo hard on ourselves and yet easy on everyone else. Give ourselves - no chances or room for mistakes and yet let everyone else have 100 chances and then some.

To forgive yourself is largely about - disbelieving that you are worthy of being kicked. Forgiving yourself for a mistake is one thing but kicking yourself to death is another, isn't it? I mean the punishment should fit the crime. Doing that - is being abusive to - yourself. And it's about being an "alien" to yourself.

When everything blows up - let's kick me to the curb and then turn around and kick me again and again!!! Maybe you learned that somewhere.....maybe someone early on in your life did that to you, verbally or otherwise, and maybe YOU are picking up the ballbat now and doing it because repetition finally becomes habit and our natural default. You were conditioned to go there - so off you go.

Maybe you need to face the mirror and see yourself as a real person....one that doesn't deserve to be beaten up by anyone....and not by you either. Forgiving ourselves means - allowing ourselves to be human, to make mistakes, to fall down and go boom and then get back up again and learn to ride that damned bike!!! It's not about sacrificing yourself and becoming a martyr and a punching bag. The inner critic - needs to be put in her place here. (smile) Time to teach that little voice some manners! Own your stuff, be responsible and then act on all that and get up and move forward and make all that count for something by making something positive happen for yourself.

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