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dee, starting over, someone help alycia..
September 20, 2006
6:03 am
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alycia
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Hey everyone,

I have a huge problem, i want to say i acknowledge at least i have a huge problem, i am getting drawn back in by him. I can't take him back as people would disown me and i know he is bad and will hurt me again but nonetheless i am getting drawn back in...

I saw him saturday, he came to see his daughter, we went to the park and had a beautiful day and when she went to bed he wanted to get a movie, stupid me said sure why not, as if it can hurt.

Prior to the three months of no contact we had hugged the last time he came, more so as we were taking a break and because we were once close and i guess it was like a goodbye.

We stupidly, kissed hugged and mucked around this time to lay it all out on the table, all i can say is there was no sex, he is coming again on saturday...

I have spent this week thinking, what are you doing? Is it cause i am bored on my own, is it cause i miss him? Is it cause i haven't met anyone else? Did i just want to recapture what we had even just for a night? I have told noone for obvious reasons but i need to let it out...

I know its wrong, i sat thinking maybe i should write him a letter and tell him i will drop her off one morning every two weeks at his mums, (they live together) so i am out of it, at least for now till i heal, i know he loves coming here, bathing her etc etc and one day he can but the only outcome from this is hurt if he comes when i am not fully healed.

I guess it stings at night when i am alone and it stings alot anyway, well its starting to sting again, i thought i was back on track....

I feel like i am losing sight of what he did, he broke up our family and now lives in a house with his mum, they moved from their small unit and it should have been the three of us in a house so my darling could have a backyard, whereas she is still stuck in this two bedroom flat.

When the hormones took over on saturday i thought i can do this, we can kiss and whatever and its all good, i cant do this.... i was gonna give him a letter this saturday ....

I have mentioned he isnt a good dad, sometimes i wonder who he wants to see... His car is broken down yet he is gonna catch transport here, in the old days before we kissed and he had no car he didnt once catch a train to come here....

I haven't forgotten for a second the person he was when he walked out the door, the way he treated me, my feelings have changed but some still linger, i need help and i am not helping myself doing this shit.....

Its like when we write in the no contact thread 'in a perfect world we want it all back' but its gone and i think i struggle with that still to the point where i am making bad choices, someone please help me......

September 20, 2006
8:21 am
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reachingout
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Alycia,
I think you should send the letter now or call do not allow him to come over Sat you are just prolonging this take you stand now there is no need to see him.

September 20, 2006
8:35 am
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dee1
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Alycia,

I think its really good at least that you are acknowledging that you have a problem here. The one thing I m noticing now since my big break up is Im aware of my behoviour and when its out of control. Before I was nt even aware so Its a positive thing! I read your posts in the past and you have helped me so much. DOnt beat yourself up over whats happened on Saturday and how you ve started to allow him back in. You re only human and it could be because you have nt met anyone else yet and you can get lonely.BUT you have to remember what he did and how you kind of know he would hurt you again. You ve come so far. Just look on the last while as a 'blip' in your progress and move on. I think you re right about writing the letter and not seeing him if you can until you heal. The only thing that has helped me get over my ex was the no contact thing but I know thats not so easy with a child involved. I know so the feeling when you re hormones take over you think ' to hell with it, I can handle it' but you cant when there s feelings involved and you re hurting yourself. Send the letter telling him what you decided about dropping your little girl over to his Mums and allow yourself to heal again. Just look on this as a minor setback, you ve come to far to go back now..and you deserve someone who ll never hurt you the way he did.
Love Deex

September 20, 2006
8:55 am
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mamacinnamon
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Alycia.. please send the letter. You said he never bothered to find transport till after you kissed. Stop... Look at the red flags. Send the letter.

September 22, 2006
6:16 am
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alycia
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Thanks guys,

We both know we are idiots really and because we have to see each other feelings linger, they arent as strong as what they once were but they still linger.

I am going to get him to come once every two weeks cause his mum never calls so i am not leaving my daughter with a father she barely knows and a grandmother she barely knows as she is a bit clingly lately, 15 months now .....

Its not an excuse, my mum was telling me i shouldnt leave her, not yet as she should get to know her dad first.

He is coming tommorow, there will be no mucking around and then i will change it to fornightly, every two weeks.... both of us still live in the past a bit, the bastard cried last time he was here or shed a tear rather....

Thanks for everyone's replies, i need to meet someone else i think to get it out of my system, but how do i do that caring for a baby with little social life...... take care all and thanks for replying...

September 22, 2006
8:51 am
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startingover
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Hi Alycia

I will write later when I have more time, I am alittle rushed this morning. Sorry I didn't see your post until now.

AVOID him, however you have to do it. His behavior is self-serving, no regard for you or your daughter.

I agree it's hard to miss someone, I can sure identify with that. Even if they're the worst, bad for you and even dangerous, it's almost sick the way we miss them. We are missing something that wasn't real. They were what we made them - heroes - when they didn't deserve it.

I also understand the loneliness and the hormones. No answer for that.

You will meet someone else, so will I...we will be healthier then, and able to receive as well as give.

Try real hard to keep him away. Send the letter, e-mail, whatever you have to do. You don't want to be a "friend with benefits", that is what it would be like. It would be even lonelier than now.

I will post later. Sorry again for the rush. I am thinking of you today.

SO

September 22, 2006
9:15 am
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dee1
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Hi Alycia,

I m glad you re feeling a bit stronger. I know you ll meet someone and you will be healthier when that happens. I ve met 2 different guys since big break up, one was a complete disadter and the other a lovely guy, it just did nt work. I think it was too soon for me actually but it has managed to put the ex where he truly belongs, in the past. Do you have much support with regards to child minding so you can get out more? Take care, you re doing great! Luv dee

September 22, 2006
11:54 am
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taj64
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You will meet osmeone but right now, you're daughter needs you and when she gets a bit older, it will be a little easier. You have not completley gotten over this guy, still hurts so when this goes away you will be ready to see someone else. You will be a lot more open to the idea, not sad to see a person, or as afraid to start. You're too vulnerable right now. wait a little longer, then try. Do try to get out though, with friends even if just for a few hours a week. If you can. Let your daughter start visiting more frequently so she will get used to it and then you will really appreciate the time you have alone or to do something fun and get out. It is good thing to have mommy time. It makes it all even more appreciative of when you are with your daughter. And not as overwelming. You really do need this.

September 24, 2006
6:11 am
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alycia
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Thanks everyone,

i do have the option to go out but i agree taj i am not ready. I do leave her sometimes, one friend would have my baby overnight and i know i would only have to ask her dad and he would mind her here so i am not short on sitters,

partly i should get out but i am kinda over the bar club scene too and thats the only place i have had luck meeting men, if u can call it luck....

I try to block the situation out with him actually cause he came on saturday, he cleaned the bathroom, the fan in the bathroom, honestly the list is endless, bought her clothes, nappies, made an impressionable effort, we mucked around again...

so this is why i am blocking it out cause yes come sunday i feel like shit, we ended the morning with an argument after a lovely saturday, he only stayed over as his car is playing up, slept on the couch....

I am better than what i used to be but when you have to see someone you dated for 4 yrs it is hard and it does suck, i dont cry anymore and i miss him as anyone does but its like i have two more steps to go to make it to the top of the hill and i cant seem to manage it ....

If i didnt see him i would be over it a long time ago but when you see someone you were close too its beyond hard and i know i have to face reality cause i dont want him back here in my home as he will hurt me again so why do i sit hugging the guy, i take for granted the fact that he abandoned me and wrecked our family, i am sorry to ramble... i do hope all is well dee.

I do thank everyone for their replies, taj you are always there when i am in need of help, same with you starting over and a friend with benefits is not something i want to be and i have to say no more....

One day it wont be like this, i know that, and the same goes for all of you guys, sadly i learnt nothing stays the same so i can smile knowing this situation wont be forever either......i am sorry to have rambled...... take care all

September 24, 2006
9:11 am
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taj64
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hey I do NOT mind your rambling. It all makes so much sense to me. I can relate to it. The more your heart hurts, the more time you need for it to heal. But you know the heart can take it. Your heart will awaken in its own time. I think your baby girl is so lucky to have such a wonderful mom. Take your time with getting over the father of your child. Some day it will be a piece of cake. And know there will be times when your heart will tug for him. And then you will pull back and know the reason why you cannot go back. Remember all that pain he put you through. You do not want to go back there. Do something for yourself, even little things can mean a lot. You're going to make it Alycia. I predict a very good outcome for you. be patient.

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