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Decent news and a confession...D dog
January 21, 2007
10:18 am
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D dog
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Well, I've doing really well with the "no contact" with H and seem to be healing. Yesterday, he and his buddies came over to get the rest of his stuff...everyone was drinking and laughing and having a good time during the move...H was really nice to me, gave me a hug and a kiss when he left and told me that I'm a great person (to which I replied, "I know!") Flashed him a peace sign as he drove away (instead of giving him the finger). I'm so glad it was handled with a modicum of dignity, no fighting and no tears.

Afer they left, my neighbor W came over, he is exceptionally cute, funny and intelligent. My roommate took off to pick up Chinese food, and someow I ended up kissing W...whether it was the booze or feeling vulnerable after seeing H, I don't know. No biggie - it didn't go any further - but...oh geez, I'm so embarrassed I can barely even type this...W is only 18! Granted, he has the mind of a 30-year-old, but OMG, what was I thinking???

I feel really bad!! Has anyone else ever done anything that freaking stupid???

January 21, 2007
11:29 am
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D dog,

Bloody hell, JUST checked in here after a long and significant absence. You are a huge link to my past few years of life. You wouldn't know that, of course, but the hamster wheel we spoke of once has come to haunt me now.

I will be back in a mo.

Just know that the we are all seeking the same things. You, me , my ex, my current guy (who recently cheated on me) H, W...all of us, just people, humans living out the best we can do at the time...

~love charlie~XX

January 21, 2007
1:35 pm
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D dog
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Hi Charlie!

Great to hear from you - missed ya!

Yeah, it's true, we are all just human, and I've learned from this mistake already...aside from feeling like Mrs. Robinson, it's shown me that although I've been doing well with the H thing, I am still "damaged goods"...I need to take a really close look at my feelings and what I really want for myself...I don't want to even date anyone right now, and I don't know why that happened...just an impulse thing, I guess, it was hard seeing H yesterday...and W is so gorgeous that it's easy to just forget the age thing in the moment...so I did a stupid thing.

Not to mention, today I got served papers and am being sued by a credit card company for a (large) amount that my ex and I never paid...it's in both of our names and we are still legally married...I sent him an email about it a little while ago and am awaiting a response...in a way, I'm almost relieved that it's come to light, cuz one of my goals this year was to get on a payment plan and manage my considerable debt...but still, the legal system scares the hell out of me. I need to consult with a lawyer ASAP.

The ex is gonna be pissed, but the whole reason we have the debt in the first place is because he's English and his work visa expired, and I had to support him for a year...and then go over to England to get the visa renewed...so yeah, we racked up a good ten grand on the card.

Sigh. Happy Sunday, huh?

I am SO SORRY that your current guy cheated! I've been thru that with H...let me know if you want to talk...

(((Charlie)))

January 21, 2007
1:58 pm
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Hi D,

I don't have to say on the whole 18 year old subject other than to say....at least he wasn't 17 :o) And to answer your question "what was I thinking?" The answer is.....you weren't.

Having said that....reading this thread (and others) reminds me a bit of myself.

I read your threads and there is a lot of.....I'm in a bad relationship because ______. I'm in a bad relationship while I'm still married to my husband because _______. I did a stupid thing with an 18 year old because ______. I'm in all kinds of debt because _________.

Ya know I did the same thing for a very long time. There was ALWAYS a reason...outside of myself...why bad things happened to me or why I was in a particular mess that I was in. Until one day when I hit my bottom and realized that bad things happened to me because of ALCOHOL. And because of that alcohol, MY JUDGEMENT was skewed and *I* made bad decisions. PERIOD.

As always this is said with love and support and having been where you are, only trying to help you realize what I wish *I* had realized...years before I did.

With love and friendship,
Lolli

January 21, 2007
2:16 pm
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Hi Lolli -

All too true. Been thinking about that all morning.

Thanks for the insight -

D.

January 21, 2007
3:10 pm
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Hi D,

I know that you know these things, so I don't mean to keep "harping" on you about it. It's just that I also know how easy it is to fall back into denial and rationalize or justify our behavior by blaming some outside forces.

I think the first step....whether we continue drinking or not....is to at least recognize what we are doing and to take responsiblity for our actions.

((((D-dog))))

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