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Dear Spirit, Hazza and all
May 27, 2000
9:03 am
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janes
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The study of mind/body connection is very important and I am so pleased that it is finally receiving the attention it needs.

There can be physical causes as well. Not all problems are caused by thoughts.

We all need to be well versed in the various things that can happen in our bodies and minds and relate to them and then care for them.

May 27, 2000
9:16 pm
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Spirit
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Stress is a mighty player in bodily ills. It is real. It can be taken under control. I haven't quite discovered how to do it completely, but I'm learning. One of the ways I have taken control of stress in my life is to not "need" so many "things" in my life. Keep it simple. Kind of like when we were children and made macaroni picture frames to give our parents as gifts for whatever holiday was being celebrated at the time. From the heart, not the pocketbook, is what I tried to teach my children while they were growing up. Its funny how money can creep into many areas of our lives and cause disruption. My children (21 & 22) are now in a phase of not speaking with me because I refuse to spend money on them. I told them communication was worth more to me than a $50 shirt or blouse. They didn't like that and cut the lines. Too bad, they are missing out on a great way to live life. Oh, don't get me wrong, I buy people gifts, things they want, or like, but not because its a birthday or holiday, just because. I'm not a big fan of "guilt" holidays, ie, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Valentine's Day, etc... Talk about stress. What to get to give. Will he/she like it? urgh... Why do we need special days set aside to tell someone we love them, and why do we have to do it with gifts, and why are we judged by the expensiveness of the gift? Okay, I'm really on a tangent. Must be time to raise my blood sugar. A piece of pie for everyone!

May 27, 2000
10:14 pm
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Spirit
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Raised the blood sugar, but still have one more tangent to work on. Why do people not accept the answer of no? If asking a question, shouldn't a person be willing to accept whatever the answer is, even if it is no, without jumping down the answerer's (is that a word?) throat? Would like to hear your, the collective you out there, thoughts on this one. For the past two days I have been under attack for saying no to a person, a grown-up person. Frankly, I don't like people down my throat, not much room at the inn... Thanks, all. Peaceful rest.zzzzzz

May 28, 2000
7:29 am
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how about telling him or her to buzz off, if he's not accepting your no. i.e. IF its possible. but if hes not caring about you, hes not understanding ur point of view, since there must be a reason why u said no, then you shouldnt care about it. you shouldnt have to explain it to him. i dont know your exact situation, so i dont know.

May 28, 2000
9:25 am
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heartfelt
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Take care of yourself Spirit.refuse to play ping pong.back and forth, back and forth. Saying no is as you said.no. If another party continues eating at you, try saying "There's another way of looking at this." From within the voice of your nurturing self will tell you that the continuation is about the others baggage, not yours. Feeling the need to react is a common defense for we CD"s....but the healing, growing , and knowing is in the gift of the heart guiding us to nurture the areas and re=inforcing the areas that is all part of our path to grow. Sometimes it's much healthier to KNOW what's yours and what's not. Separate, file in your heartslibrary and move on.....Stress seems to be....S simply T trivial R educational E emotional S shitty S stuff.......key word....educational for when the stress is recognized we can allow our selfs to pull out the carpenters bag and take the tools from it to defuse the situation. Maybe not for the other person, but the bottom line is nuturing yourself in a positive healthy way. Don't hold on to it..it's not yours.....

May 28, 2000
5:17 pm
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janes
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Tell that person who won't accept "no" to go to thier room.

Not really.

You said no and you meant no...repeat in a kind tone. Be firm and to handle the stress...don't even take it on. You don't have to let it go as it never effects you.

Gifts...I agree they can be problematic. I have a neh]phew who has EVERYTHING. I try to find things I know his parents won't think of...small tent and sleeping bag, books my kids adored, etc. Never big as I cannot afford that but a token, an idea gift that may stimulate him in a direction he hasn't considered. The gift of communication would be lost on him at this time and in his case wouldn't be a gift.

My most precious gift is a small block of wood..uncarved.. with crayon drawings and sentiments from my four children when they were small.

But I also remember really wanting that store bought gift at times. There should not be a "need" to ever give gifts. But for some that will have as much meaning as a gift of a craft or time or other things. Money..or the amount spent should never be the key to the importance placed upon the person who receives the gift or the person who is giving.

But til the world (esp. media crazed parts of it) sees beyond the monetary we are sometimes stuck with "giving"..especially if we disire to keep open the lines of communication with some people.

Oh what a tangled web we weave.

May 28, 2000
5:35 pm
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Brenda
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Dear spirit
Sorry to hear you are feeling stress and pain from asserting yourself.
It sounds as if "no" is not a common word with you, as it isnt with a lot of codep women.
I know the difficulty in saying no. despite my heart and soul telling me I should. I have since learned to honor my own feelings before that of others, as I know I could never come close to being really selfish and will always remain loving, giving and caring, but no longer self sacrificing or neglecting simply to please and alleve others.
Stick with your feelings. honor them, they are your true markers along your heart journey towards to real and authentic you, the non suffering you, the joyful and peaceful you.
Always remember to assert and say no in a loving way.
God bless

May 28, 2000
5:36 pm
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Brenda
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Dear spirit
Sorry to hear you are feeling stress and pain from asserting yourself.
It sounds as if "no" is not a common word with you, as it isnt with a lot of codep women.
I know the difficulty in saying no. despite my heart and soul telling me I should. I have since learned to honor my own feelings before that of others, as I know I could never come close to being really selfish and will always remain loving, giving and caring, but no longer self sacrificing or neglecting simply to please and alleve others.
Stick with your feelings. honor them, they are your true markers along your heart journey towards to real and authentic you, the non suffering you, the joyful and peaceful you.
Always remember to assert and say no in a loving way.
God bless

May 28, 2000
5:37 pm
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Brenda
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oh and remember, you are not obligated to justify or explain your reasons for saying no, if someone tries to extract these from you, it is usually for the sole purpose of MANIPULATING you into saying YES>
stay true friend.

May 28, 2000
11:06 pm
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Spirit
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Guess I should have clarified that the people who wouldn't take no for an answer were customers at the store I work. Wanted one of my employees to break the rules, she said no, they tried to manipulate me into doing it, I said no, they got mad, threatened to "have my job" and so it goes. Its like, what part of no don't you understand? One of them actually said that since she was the custome, and the customer is always right, that she could say or do whatever she wanted to and we had to accept it. YIKES! Nothing like an idiot abuser to get my goat. I took ten mental steps away from her, then I proceeded to shut her down. Told her no abuse is ever acceptable, there is nothing right about abuse and to take her business elsewhere until she grew up. Okay, maybe I stepped over that fine line, but I will not tolerate being pushed into that proverbial corner, nor will I sit back and watch as another being is. Just can't, won't do it. Is that my ego? hum.... More like codep... Nah, just me. Thank you, one and all for your responses.

Gifts. I work retail and sell more "gifts" that people return and bitch about having received than I care to count. Wouldn't hurt my feelings one itty-bitty bit if advertisers would find a way to advertise doing something for someone rather than buying something for someone. One of the best gifts I can think of is the gift of time. My grandmother had all she needed, and most of what she wanted, materialistic speaking. What she really needed and wanted was for her children and grandchildren to give her was some time. I spent some of my best times with my grandmother. I miss that most. Spending time with grandmother. She had her favorite place to eat, you know it, the one with the golden arches, and her daughters hated taking her there. Me, a big mac and fries and I'm there. One of her favorite subjects was sex. Nothing too racey, just about how young people take it so lightly and so on. What a great gal.

Make the most of the time you have. Give children, loved ones, etc the best gift of all: YOU! The zoo, a day at the beach, picnic, talks about sex at Mickey Dees, whatever, just give of yourself, and the rest falls into place. When grandmother passed on, I had a full heart, because I knew her from the heart. May peace be with you and yours...

May 29, 2000
2:11 pm
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Brenda
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My advice applies even if it is not a "love" relationship. YOu were right to assert yourself and stand by your no.
I agree with you when you say the best gift is time, or giving of yourself. I also agree an expensive custom designed gift can also be very loving.I, personally, would rather receive nothing than the cheap, bargain brought gifts that my mother has given to me all my life. You know, I have never said once, how they hurt and offend me, but maybe I will.
I am a stylish person who, like her, appreciates the beautiful things, she will buy me the cheapest and sometimes very ugliest gifts. I have never done this to her or anyone. Even when I was poor I managed to create something beautiful for them'
A gift, on a special occasion ( birthday etc ) is a show of appreciation and love.

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