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dear mich...
September 12, 2009
10:56 am
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marypoppins
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Mich,

I'm sorry about what happened to you. How are you doing? I started a new thread because I read you were "done" with the other.

I've never been raped, but I've been physically and emotionally abused, and it sucks. Your story, that you were certainly brave to tell, has given me an opportunity to learn. I've learned on this site that we can go back, after thinking, after more time, after letting down guards, after reading more from the original poster and the responses, and offer better support.

I hope that you have found some professional support to guide you through this. And it seems there are lots of people who have been through something similar here who understand exactly what you're going through. I know it's not "over".

"There but for the grace of God..." I have been in many vulnerable situations. Under the influence, trusting people I barely knew, some bad shit happened and some worse shit almost happened. Eloquent, ain't I?

Rape, I know, is an act of violence. Terrorism. I wish I could take it away from you.

Again, I'm sorry.

Mary

September 12, 2009
1:58 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Not my business not my issue but thanks anyway Mary. You always are a "stand up gal"

Bitsy

September 12, 2009
2:14 pm
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fantas
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(((Marypoppins))), Class act!!! I second Marypoppins. Wishing you a very fast recovery.

September 12, 2009
2:54 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mary....

Thank you. I appreciate this thread...I do.

Life is a journey, and we are all going to spend it learning. I learned something in the thread that I started and hope that others did as well.

My life right now is in a lot of confusion. Besides going through an ugly divorce (at best) and dealing with the childhood abuse I suffered, now I am left to deal with this. And I will. Why?? Because I have to. I have four little beings who depend on me to be there for them

Due to the divorce, the kids and I are still living with our pastor and his wife. That is helpful. She has asked that as much as I can, and is possible (due to kids being everywhere...there are 8 between us) that I think out loud. People can't help if they don't know what to do. That is a hard lesson for me because I struggle to ask for help. There are many people in my life who would help me if I knew how to ask.

As far as the rape, I can at least call it that now. I couldn't at first.

I went back to the house that this took place at on Wednesday and asked the friend of mine to tell me what she could about that night. They all believe that what happened was consensual. I can neither admit nor deny that, because I don't remember. However, what I can say is this....I did NOT consent to whatever it took to do the damage done to my body that was done. I thought it was a big step to go back like I did...there was a time that I never could have done that. I didn't get the answers I was looking for, but satisfaction in the fact that I did go back. I didn't run.

I have to deal with the facts of what happened to me that night. As the bruises have started to fade, I hope that the physical pain will as well. As right now, that is a constant reminder to me. I am thankful most of the time that I do not remember the incident at all. I do not think that I could deal with the memories of the reality of what happened to me to cause that kind of damage.

As far as legally, I haven't done anything yet. Not because I don't feel justified, or not because I don't think that I have enough proof. Because I do, and that isn't a question to me. I have a lot to think about on an emotional level. For many reasons.

I have a lot of support. Again, I live with the pastor and his wife, and I have a friend from our church who is VERY supportive to me through this, along with a few others. I have attended a support group for divorce for a little over a year, and I am getting some support there, though I did not go into great detail with what happened with them. The other support group that I have attended for almost two years now is for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. That group is amazing. I do also see a therapist of my own. So...yes, I have support. I will get through this, and I will see the other side.

One of the hardest things in all of this for me though I think is that the one person that I have truly wanted in all of this is my husband. But, I know that he wouldn't be what I really wanted...I just want the illusion. I believe that he would have supported me in this though. But, I don't want it back. I laid on the table while the exam was being done and just cried. I wanted him to be the one holding me.

I don't know. There is a lot of emotion involved in all of this. I will get there though. I will.

Thanks again. All of your support means the world to me.

Mich

September 13, 2009
12:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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Mich

((((holding you close)))))

September 13, 2009
12:06 pm
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MsGuided
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I posted on the other thread but I'll re-post here

>>13-Sep-09

I've never experienced rape, but that doesn't mean I did all the right things to avoid it. I've had many instances where i was intoxicated, but I had a protector or was lucky. ( the date rape drug wasn't around then either)

I had an few experiences where it could of happened but I am tall, strong and became aggressive when it happened. I had all my senses about me so it wasn't hard. SURE my heart was racing and I had FEAR, but I turn into a harder target.

That being said.

((MICH))

I don't give a damn if you lied. People lie to protect themselves or to take advantage of others. You didn't deserve to be raped even if you had a few drinks.

You are just protecting yourself from a possible attack/judgement here or anywhere else.

Not all lieing is bad.

(I'm not going to beat you up while you're going through deprogramming.)

ROHYPNOL comes to mind. Everything you describe screams RUPI/ROOFIES. This jerk slipped you an anesthetic!

If I am expected to conduct myself properly it is a requirement for ALL. The lines blurr at times, but it tells you something about people, how they choose to deal with another who is vulnerable.

Attack or help.

I'ld stick with the help, and expect it from a balanced human being.

Whether it's physical or mental vulnerability, administering the final blow says something about the advice giver and the rapist. IMHO.

You're obviously very off balance, due to ending your marriage, and I think you need to be EXTRA CAREFUL in public, around strangers. Predators can smell that a mile away.

Wits and mental clarity. Where is that at when you're struggling with the divorce, taking more abuse from the X through the justice system? You wanted to let off a bit of steam, have fun, but I doubt you can viel what you're experiencing with your X.

This isn't a scolding, just trying to be a voice that says, BE CAREFUL during this difficult time. Protect yourself until you feel stronger.

I hope you can heal from this and find some peace through the divorce.

Be around those you can trust as much as possible. < < In addition. The divorce must take up so much energy it must be difficult to put energy into another fight. Just be gentle on yourself. You WILL arrive at the place you want to be. Be Well!

September 14, 2009
8:43 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I want to know the truth of what happened to me,

Want to know how it all came to be.

To call it Rape seems such a fight,

If I consented, I don't feel right.

I know I don't remember, that is a fact,

Just don't get it, my bodys not in tact.

See the bruises and feel the pain,

What allowed this to happen again?

What am I doing wrong? I don't want to feel,

Wish someone would tell me that this isn't real.

Don't want the choice to make,

Either way, my heart will break.

It hurts like hell without a doubt,

Want to scream and want to shout.

Wish I could cry, wish I could scream,

Someone tell me its all a bad dream.

Not protected by my so called friends,

What will I do? It all depends.

I am so confused, and I feel so weak,

Feeling like this all makes me a freak.

A few months ago I was physically
abused,

Now its a struggle with being sexually used.

I don't want to be a victim, for I am really tired,

My ability to fight has nearly expired.

Were my eyes open, could I see?

The horrible things he did to me!!

I don't remember and maybe for the best,

So tired of thinking, I just need some rest.

Want someone to come and fix my heart,

I simply need a place to start.

Don't know what is next and what I should feel,

As much as I wish not, I know it is real.

I was raped, and don't want to deny,

The biggest one struggling, is merely I.

Others can see it, and all say it is so,

Good Lord please help me to begin to let go.

September 14, 2009

September 15, 2009
12:00 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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MsGuided,

Thank you for your post. I appreciate it highly.

I have determined at this point that I may never drink again. I don't drink often at all, and now I have decided that maybe never will work better. For me, it was never a second thought to have a party at our house or go to a friends party and drink. There have never been any issues that have truly concerned me. I never really felt vulnerable and even this last party I didn't feel that way.

That said, obviously someone else sensed my vulnerability. I still feel stuck on what led up to this? I was the only single female there which added to my vulnerability I can only assume. I was with friends, where I should have felt safe, etc. I was drinking, which also made me more vulnerable.

There are many aspects to all of this that make me somewhere near sick to be honest. I talked to the sexual assault advocate today for a long time on the phone. She was there when the exam was done. Very sweet girl. She called today to check on me. That was somewhat difficult for me as I am not a big person to just jump up and down to say what is going on. I had contemplated calling her, just hadn't grown the balls to do so.

We talked for a LONG time on the phone. I could go from saying that I was raped to "what if I did consent" in rapid cycles. Logically, in my head, I know that I was raped. But, because I can remember none of it, that makes it so hard to say. I keep saying that if only I knew if I had consented. Everyone else keeps saying...it doesn't matter. I did NOT consent to the damage done to my body. That is one thing that I really have to agree with. I wouldn't have. Because of the childhood sexual abuse, and the physical abuse that I suffered, I can hardly handle sex at all, much less with ANYTHING that would have caused that type of damage.

The advocate made it clear that in all reality, this is pretty much a textbook rape for this kind of predator. It is just very hard for me to swallow. I wish I could.

I did find out today as well that the hospital would be willing to hold the rape kit until my divorce is final, which I am hoping is done in December. They typically only hold them for 30 days, but are willing to do so longer. That is what the advocate told me today. However, that just gives the defense attorney a little more room to play around with my head. I am just unsure of whether I have it in me or not to go through a rape trial and my divorce at the same time. Seems like an awful lot of emotion to me.

Ahhh, there is more I would like to say, but I am tired. I just wanted to thank you for your post and let you know a little of where I am right now. I SO appreciate your support.

Mich

((((MsGuided))))

September 15, 2009
12:03 am
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fantas
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((((Mich)))), Hang in there!! I know the surreal feeling of replaying a brutal experience. Be gentle with yourself. This is what you can do for yourself now. As the physical pain eases, you will have time to think of the friends and all the other questions. Right now be gentle with yourself. I didn't know how then but I wish someone had told to first heal the body. If this is something your mind will wish to remember, It will pick the right time, when you will have your strength to see it and address it.

Be so gentle with yourself. This kind of assault is of the soul and much less the body. You soul is hurt, frightened, sad,abandoned and confused. Until you have experienced it, it's hard to explain how desolate and dry place it is to be where you are right now. Everything seems unreal. You need hugs, love, and all the TLC you can get, first from yourself and the rest will come. This is the biggest gift you can give yourself. it's so awesome you are writing poetry. Very healing. Hang in there!! (((Mich)))

September 15, 2009
6:49 am
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darkeyes
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((mich)) sending loads of hugs and love your way... may the angels wrap their arms around you and protect you with their love....

September 15, 2009
9:29 pm
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MsGuided
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Hi (( mich))

You're a proud one. I can relate to that ! ;0)
I put up a good front when i really feel like the world is suffocating me, or my own thoughts are doing that. It's better than not functioning and you're probably staying busy with the kids, school and some other positive things.

I feel deep in my soul the rape was aided with Rohypnol. Everything you describe points to that so it's hard to put a finger on what really happened. It seems that way.

So you are going to prosecute this guy? You were at a friends house? Does anyone there have clues or have you kept quiet. I can't imagine how conflicted you feel being that it started at someones home, then??

I'm glad my words could help a bit.

I tend to be a little too logical and don't get all soft 'n gooey. I took the Facebook Startrek test and guess who I got?

SPOCK! I'll never be Ahura!!LOL

September 17, 2009
10:36 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Well...it has been an interesting week to say the least. I spoke with my divorce attorney who made it clear that what I do with the rape case is totally up to me. That said, she strongly encouraged me because of the fact that he is trying to use my mental status against me that I should wait until the divorce is final. I did find out that it can wait. The hospital will hold my rape kit until then. The only thing that really does is give the defense attorney a little more room to drag me all over the floor.....for waiting.

So, I wrote a letter to the advocate who is standing beside me in all of this. And this is what I said...

Dear L,

I sit here....knowing that I have a lot to sort through. I don't know where to let it all out, so I will give it to you.

I talked to my attorney. She suggested that I wait until my divorce is over before I deal with this. ONLY because my mental state is the big thing that he is trying to hold against me. The truth is, I haven't lost my mind. I am still getting up every day to take care of my kids, I am still functioning. I am not sitting in a little corner blowing bubbles. Yes, my heart hurts, but I will not let it destroy me. It makes me angry though. I didn't ask for this...yes, I put myself in a bad position, I admit that. BUT...I did not ask for it. Why am I not allowed to feel the same as others do? Am I sad? Yes!! I am. Am I hurt?? Yes, I am. BUT...I am not going to die. It is harder on me to feel like I am not allowed to feel anything right now than to feel what I need to feel if that makes sense. I feel like I am being punished for something that I didn't ask for. Why do the people who survive these awful crimes get punished? I see the proof (as the bruises have not completely faded) I feel the pain, and I live with the memories of the realization of what happened to me. Which really hit me as I laid on that table having that exam done. Not only was that exam physically painful, but I can't explain the feeling of violation that I felt going through it. I felt violated on so many levels.

If I were to go through with pressing charges...what would I hope for? Justice, which will never happen. You can put him away for the rest of my life....and it isn't going to take it away. You can't give back what he took. The only justice that I will ever get in all of this is that God was good enough to not let me recall any part of it. Yes, it could prevent it from happening again to someone else....but, again, that isn't my responsibility. I have to take care of me. Would I feel some satisfaction that he paid some price?? Yes, no doubt. But at the cost of what?? My mental stability?? I don't know. I don't know how I would handle it, I have never been in that position. Do I think that it could potentially empower me to go through with it and know that I did what I could...yes. That I fought for what I "deserved"?? Yes. But again, I do feel like that is a lot to risk at this point in my life. I would want someone to tell me what happened to me that night....and I wouldn't get that either. Nobody is going to stand there and tell me what my body suffered that night. The reality also remains, that it is probably for the best that I don't know. And I know that. I just don't ever want to find out the hard way.

If I were to go through with pressing charges....I question what it would do to me emotionally. I know the truth, and so do other people. Who would I be trying to prove it to? Him, and the rest of the world. Who really cares besides me?? In addition to that, it is a lot to go through for my children if the verdict were to come back "not guilty". Then, I am left to deal with that, and with the people that would no longer believe the truth for what it is. Do I think that there is enough evidence to prove my case? Yes. BUT...I don't know that. And who am I hurting then?? Me and my children. I believe that this would destroy A on some levels. She would really struggle to accept this reality. She already feels so much responsibility for me, and I don't want to add to that. Though...that said, there is a part of me that feels like she should see that it isn't right and I should do what "needs" to be done. What I would hope that she would do. What I would want anyone that I love to do.

I don't know. I don't know that I am ready to make a clear decision. That said, I am quite certain that I am not in a place to go through the court proceedings at this point. But, I also don't feel like I am ready to completely release myself of that right. A part of me wants Leann to keep my kit until my divorce is final in December. That gives me the chance to change my mind if I feel it is necessary. Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. I would like to try to begin to heal without that process. Maybe in the next couple of months I will say I can't do this, and I need to go forward. I don't know. Is that fair to ask??

If I don't go through the court process, it doesn't matter to me who I can and can't convince of the truth. Right now, I know that there are people who believe me. You, M, H, among a few others. I don't have to prove it to the people that were there, or a jury and judge. I have to let the ones that believe me right now be enough. It is....I know the truth. You know the truth, and there are others. That is important to me.

All that said, I do think that I am interested in Pastor J meeting with the people from our church who were involved. I don't necessarily want this completely dropped. I think that they should have to face me...and the truth of what happened to me that night. But, I don't want to sit there alone either. That scares me. They are going to assume that Pastor J and J are taking my side because of the relationship that we carry. Would you be willing to be there? Is that something that you can do? I would give anything for you and H to be there where I can sit between the two of you. They don't know you or H, and I can at least feel safe.

I will get through this L, because I have people that care enough, and know me well enough. But, I have to start somewhere. Now is the time!! I don't want to let this sit and fester. It hurts too much. I admit, I was raped, and it wasn't my fault. I did NOT consent to what happened to me that night...no matter what anyone says. No matter what I had to drink that night, or anything else. I didn't ask for this, and it wasn't fair. Whether I consented or not is completely irrelevant. I don't remember anything, and I just want to heal from what I know happened to my body.

I called and read this letter to her. She was very responsive and very sweet as she has been throughout all of this. She said that she would be happy to be at the meeting, that is what she is there for.

I feel torn and in many ways and double victimized in some. The fact that I can't even make a choice for what is best for me at the moment. Because of the asshole that I am married to. It just kills me. I want it over with.

Tonight is a rough night for me. I have cried a lot. I know that I will see the other side of this...it just hurts right now.

Thanks for listening to me....I will see the other side of this....I will.

September 17, 2009
10:54 pm
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andii
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Mich, do you want my take on this? If not, all is cool.

(((mich)))

September 18, 2009
6:44 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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andii....

By all means, please tell me what you are thinking. I feel lost and am more than willing to take opinions into consideration. The only views I have are my own, and I am not sure what to think at this point.

Thank you for being willing to be honest.

Mich

((((andii))))

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