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Dear Brenda
March 6, 2000
1:42 pm
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Brenda
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I was hoping we could now use this thread for codeps to unite and work on the positives of bringing about the following traits within ourselves through posting:

Empowerment

Personal power

Scripting your life

Taking control

Taking back your power

Self-respect

Assertion

Moving away from behaving abusively yourself

Moving away from paranoia

Etc., etc., etc!
Lets start with empowerment shall we?

March 6, 2000
3:23 pm
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Brenda
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How To Recognize A Good Woman
> > >A good woman is proud. She respects herself and others. She is aware of
> > >who she is. She neither seeks definition from the person she is with,
> > >nor does she expect them to read her mind. She is quite capable of
> > >articulating her needs.
> > >
> > >A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all her dreams
> > >come true. She knows love, therefore she gives love. She recognizes
> > >that her love has great value and must be reciprocated. If her love is
> > >taken for granted, it soon disappears.
> > >
> > >A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance. She
> > >knows that she will at times have to inspire others to reach the
> > >potential God gave them.
> > >
> > >A good woman knows her past, understands her present and forces
> > >toward the future.
> > >
> > >A good woman knows God. She knows that with God the world is her
> > >playground, but without God she will just be played with.
> > >
> > >A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her past.
> > >Instead, she understands that her life experiences are merely lessons
> > >meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and unconditional
> self-love...
> > >
> > >Pass this along to all the good women you know

March 6, 2000
6:14 pm
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BROC
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Brenda,

The good doctor you mentioned is telling you what we have been all along. Sometimes it takes another to really hit it home. At least you see it.

As for your relationship, well, it is easy for me to talk. But again, I know how it will end. Sad, but true.

Let me ask you a question? What if he were beating you every night? Maybe even the kids. Would you STILL stick around because you don't ahve any means.

This guy is never going to change. He may go to counseling, but it won't last. You can tell by the way he talks. And could you really ever trust him again? And lastly, forget 3-6 monhts. You are looking a minimum of 2-3 years work here. Bottom line.

So, I pray for you. And, I will be here for you in the next few monhts when he is still the same guy he is now, and you still don't understand why, and are still defending him, and are still wading through the shit. And most of all, I pry for your kids. Every day they are around that is one more day they are affected by it.

And one more note. I told everyone my situation last year. How my best friend hooked up with my ex. girlfriend, all because he wanted out of his marriage and was to chickenshit to do it alone. His wife was 8 months pregnant. Know what. She left him. She took his ass to court, and got the $$ she asked and more. So, I do feel for you, but I don't go for the excuse. There is not ONE fucking court in this world that wouldn't give you EVERYTHING, especaily when you walk in with your two kids, and a full belly. He wouldn't have a fucking chance. So, if we are going to be friends, you have to be honest. THis really has nothing to do with means. It has to do with your fear of being alone/abandonment. And that is terrible. But what I am hoping for is that it gets worse for you. Only then will you be willing to crawl out of the shit. For now, you don't hurt bad enough. That is why Janes and I are frustrated with you. We know it is going to end, its just a matter of time. We just had hoped you would seee this and want to start getting your life together.

Peace.

B-

March 6, 2000
11:44 pm
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janes
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Great start Brenda... yes we codeps need to untie. But dear...PLEASE don't stop venting here. You are gonna need someplace!!!!

Detachment is the key. I started that phase by TAKING PEACE FROM GOD. Not asking for him to give it. Just taking it. Making my self be peaceful. It's been three years and it can still be hard.

You found some great stuff now reread it ALL
j

March 7, 2000
6:35 pm
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Brenda
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My marriage has been a terrible roller coaster and it has taken a huge toll on me, but I needed this ride in order to work out my childhoood baggage that was just hanging around my neck so long i couldnt even see it any more.
I have been busy venting, pointing and blaming and not enough inner focus and work.
I am not invalidating all the pain, disrespect and non loving actions that my husband has taken that have affected me in such a bad way, but I am stating that to run away would be easy, to stand up and face the music is where the true courage and love lies.
I know, that my relationship, is a symptom of my own disconnection from myself.
I am not happy with myself in many areas, including my life purpose, my dreams, my goals and my personal self worth. I have taught my husband and others how to treat me by the way I have been neglecting myself.
I have taken care of my children, my husband and family members at the expense of my own wellbeing and this has hurt me to the point of resentment, anger and blame.
I need to get right with me first and then all else will fall in its balanced place.
My husband now has clear guidelines on how to treat me.
He knows he can not hit me, abandon me emotionally or control me financially.
He needs to get help for his drinking problem which is self destructive and inevitably destructive to our family.
He has promised not to go out fri nights any more and we have decided to have social fri evenings with a few friends, dinner and conversation.
He has made me a legitimate partner in OUR business.
He has understood that he has issues that he is ignoring and covering up with drinking and reckless behavior.
He understands it is HIS problem
I understand that I have issues that I am bringing to the table that result in frustration, anger, dependency, loneliness, shame and low self worth.
I need to reconnect with me again, and I am going to make the focus every day, besides being a devoted mom, rebuilding my self worth and inevitably self love and self trust.
If my husband chooses to go on as he has, it is his choice. He will be left with his shame, because I wont rant, manipulate or try to control his unloving and destructive ways. I will stay focused on myself. Hopefully I will inspire him to do the same, for I do love him, but if it doesnt, I know I have done the best for me and my children.
YOu do not need to feel sorry for my children, for they are so happy its wonderful. My husband is rarely here and they rarely see anything negative.
We dont raise our voices or belittle one another when we have a disagreement and we are truly working it out together.
I have a lot of optomism for my marriage, as I believe it is important to. If one
walks around hopeless and negative then one will only produce such results.
I am not denying anything, I am courageously facing the truth in my marriage and the truth in myself, and I hope and pray that this will continue to be the fact, with gods support, I know it will.........
I will stay in touch..
I will also get more support around me in terms of friends and others, i need to have more emotional support in my life other than my husband...of which there is little.
oh, buy Dr PHil macGraws "Relationship rescue" book it is fantastic. He states as I do here, in order to rescue any relationship, one needs to rescue oneself first, this includes abusive relationships.
I believe both are victims. I dont think of myself as a victim. I think of myself as a person who has issues and those issues manifest in all relationshps in my life, business, personal and family, until I become concious of them, work on them and resolve and heal them.

March 7, 2000
6:41 pm
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Brenda
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My personal worth and boundaries are growing stronger and this will be evident to everyone who comes in contact with me.
I will naturally no longer take any "shit" from anyone and expect to be treated with love and respect, more so from loved ones and family.
If this isnt the case, then naturally I will no longer allow these people to be part of my life and the life of my children. I am becoming less afraid to be "alone" ( if that is necessary ) and grow more confident daily.....I belong to a good support group and journal and work on me each day.
You have to name it to claim it, I know see the full clear picture and its not all "him" its all about me...
That i CAN control........:)

March 7, 2000
9:36 pm
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janes
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Okay....we're still with you. You are sounding stronger. Good luck!!!
Did you add the relationship book to Broc's list?

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