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dealing
February 21, 2005
9:09 pm
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the_real_me
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Hi all,

I so enjoy this website, it is cool!

From my previous posts you might recall that my husband is in the military and deployed out to sea. He is on a submarine, so communications are limited while he is gone although they can send and recieve email periodically.

Well, he is due home soon, (sorry can't tell you exactly when just yet) and honestly I am not looking forward to it. I received an email from him this weekend and he went on and on about how things were going and all. Now mind you, I can respond to his emails, but I can't say or pass along any bad news or something of a depressing nature or they won't give it too him.

Since he has been gone, he arraged to have cards and flowers sent periodically. In his email he made the comment that "I guess the flowers and cards are working." You see along with email (when it's working) you can send what they call famgrams. It is a 40 word, for lack of a better way to explain it, telegram. Also they have "mail drops" where you can send mail to him that gets delivered to the sub at sea with other supplies and what have you.

Well, because I really haven't had much to say to him I have only sent one famgram. I have sent mail via any of the mail drops and I try hard to answer his emails. I have been having trouble with these because they are supposed to be upbeat and the mushy I love you and miss you crap and although I might love him, I have definately not missed him.

Anyway, back to his comment. It made me so mad when he made the comment he did about the flowers and cards not working. He went on to say that "I know you have work and school and are taking care of James and all the other children (3 dogs and 5 birds) and you haven't had the time to write a letter for a mail drop." Was this his attempt at a guilt trip or what?

I responded back to his email that I would find out when I had to have mail at the designated drop spot and try to get something to him. After sending the email, I went on my computer and I revised (again)my good-bye letter and I added a couple of pages about what I have been discovering about codependency. I printed it out and put it in an envelope and said to him (myself)"fine, you want some mail, here you go." I went straight down to the base and put it in the designated drop box. I'm telling you, I never felt so empowered in all my life.

I told a couple of people who are familiar why my situation what I did and they said they felt I should have waited until he got home to break the news. However, I explained to them that he would be home a few days after he got the letter anyway, what difference did it make.

Well, their comments have left me with a little self-doubt as to whether I did the right thing. I still think I did, I guess I am just looking for a little reassurance. Any thoughts?

February 21, 2005
9:40 pm
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Are you planning on leaving your husband for sure? Why don't you miss him? Or was that a passing consideration that you wrote about in your goodbye letter?

If you didn't mean what you said in the letter- can't you email him and tell him that you sent something you wrote when you were angry, etc? Tell him that when he gets home, you want to talk about the feelings and experiences you had during his absence?

It must be so difficult to go through what you went through and have a loved one away in the military. You say you don't miss him- but I know there must be other experiences involved. My bf is merely at rehab. I don't write back to him (excluding a letter and birthday card he never got). I'm not home all day so he's not persistent and rarely catches me by phone. We have issues to say the least and now all of this silence is just making me even angrier.

It may or may not be their fault that they are gone- but the point is- while they are gone, they are not meeting our needs in any way are they? I know that sounds cold, but it's reality. It makes it hard to keep things afloat, even when things are healthier.

Let us know more about your situation so responses might be more relevant than what I wrote here. Sorry if I went off on a tangent and wasnt more helpful. Keep posting though, other's will be.

-ella

February 21, 2005
11:45 pm
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the_real_me
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Yes, I am planning on leaving him for sure. We have been at these cross road before and the other times I got scared (not to mention his guilt trips) because I didn't think I could make it on my own without him, but I have realized that this is not true. Him being gone has helped me to this conclusion.

The thing is, I did mean what I said in the letter. I have had the letter wrote for a while now waiting on his return. When he tried to put the guilt trip on me about not receiving mail, that is when I got angry and sent it to him ahead of time.

You see, for almost seventeen years I have allowed him to put me on guilt trips over various things, make enuendos and accusations about supposed affairs that I never had.

I was in the military for 15 years. Although we were together under one roof for the first part of my military career, we were living apart for the last 8 of it because our jobs were so different there was not always billets available at the same locations. Since the military couldn't put us together, they always did there best to put us as close together has possible.

My last duty station was located near/on what I consider one of the most beautifulest beaches on the gulf coast. So, we (our son and I) used to spend allot of time on the beach because I have always liked the ocean and I love to fish. I was actually enjoying myself and having fun, but I was also getting phone calls and emails about not being at home when he was trying to reach me among other things (more guilt trips).

Well, it came down to it, I was due up for orders, but they weren't going to station us together again, in fact, they were talking about stationing us even further apart. From him I got the "your not trying hard enough, you must not want to be with me" guilt trip. What came of this was that I allowed him to control my emotions so much that I decided to give up a 15 year military career so I could come live with him, even though I did not want to and he knew that.

So here I am, living in a place I don't want to with a man that sometimes I wish I could just beat the hell out of. We have been to counseling numerous times, both separately and together. Although things go okay for a while, they always come back around to the same old bs. He says I am not trying and to a degree that is probably true, but I feel the same about him.

We have had discussion about my inadequate feelings and how I find it difficult to love/like him when I don't love/like myself. He answer to that was usually something of a sexual nature or avoidance of the discussion all together.

Things have gotten so bad, that I cannot stand to even have sex with him because it is repulsing. I don't enjoy it at all and I am always hoping he will just hurry up and get done. And if sexual intercourse is not involved he is constantly asking me to masterbate him. There have been times when he has came on to me and I have politely said, not right now I am not in the mood to which he has replied, your no fun and goes on pouting and in a bad mood all day or he gets on the internet and download porn.

Of course being the codependent that I am I have always tried to control him and that of course has only made matter worse. But I have also realized that he is codependent as well and that is is another reason why I am asking for the divorce.

You see, I was stationed overseas away from him for a year. We had limited contact and before I left we had an agreement that although our separation would be difficult, we would take the time apart to work on our issues so we could be better person for each other. Well, I started attending church and devloping a relationship with God. I got babtized on New Year's Eve the year I was there and I can tell you, I was at the most peace with myself than I ever had been my whole life. I had learned to "Let Go and Let God". I knew what I wanted and I knew what I needed to do in our marriage to make it better. I was hoping he would see this about me when I got back to the states, but instead he said "You haven't changed, you are still the same." Instead of continuing to work on the areas I had been working on to prove him wrong, I allowed myself to be pulled back down again.

I could go on and on here, but I hope you got the jest of things. Your email was fine, you are entitled to your own opinion here you know 🙂

If there is anything else you would like to ask, please don't hesitate to do so, I really don't mind sharing.

February 22, 2005
10:42 am
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hello, the real me....wow, i can relate so much to what you were dealing with "having sex and hoping they hurry up and get it over with"...gosh i went thru that alot, and I do know i held resentment towards the my previous bf's cuz of it....why i still slept with them, made me realize i was coda.

Can you tell me, you mentioned you were baptized on New Years Eve...that is awesome...and you really felt a big change thereafter??? funny, cuz a friend of mine just said the same thing about going to church and being baptized.

I wish you luck when your hubby returns and also thank you for sharing so much and having the strength to know to walk away.

Keep posting & sharing, ok!!

((camer))

February 22, 2005
10:07 pm
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the_real_me
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Your welcome cramer.

Let me let you in on a discussion I had with someone today.

A little back ground first. I like to sit at the Huddle House restaurant and just observe for a while when I get off of work. There is a waitress, an older woman that I talk to allot about allot of things. Being the codentdent that I am, whenever a customer was trying to get her attention or they were waiting for her at the registar, I would call her name to let her know. I did this one day and she snapped at me and said I know how to do my job. She hurt my feelings because I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. However, I have sinced realized that I was trying to rescue her from feeling a customer's anger when she did not pay them attention.

After this incident, I stayed away for a week and when I finally did go back, I ate and left. (Usually, I would eat and hang around and talk to her).

I have been trying for a while to talk to her about her outburst, but each time I have gone in there, she has been busy. Well today I finally got that opportunity. I was honest with her and told her that her outburst hurt my feelings. She said she knew it did and she explained that she knew it was my nature to be helpful. However, it would have been okay if I did it once or twice, but she said I did it every time I came in the restaurant, (which is allot).

She has a very open realationship with God and has tremendous faith. She said that it was "the Spirit" talking to me that day of the outburst, but that is was something I needed to hear. I sat for a while and pondered what she told me and I tried to figure out at what point it had begun to happen and if there were other times I had did it to other people.

She came back around and asked me what I was thinking and then she said that if I was like that with my husband and son she can only imagine how they must feel. She walked away again and I thought about what she said. I began to realize that I do do that to my husband and son. I realized that there have been times that instead of appreciating what they did (like laundry, etc) I would go back and do things over because I did not feel they were done right.

When she came back around again I said to her, you know, you are right, I do do that to my husband and son. I also said that although she has helped me to realize this, it still doesn't change the fact that I want a separation/divorce from my husband.

She went and cleared some tables and because there weren't any customers in the restaurant at the time she sat down and talked to me about faith and God's will. What came out of this conversation was a realization or revelation that I have been missing the relationship I had begun with God when I was stationed overseas.

Each time I thought about it, I kept coming back to that same point in time when my husband said to me after I returned to the states, "you have not changed, you are still the same." Has hard as it is to admit, to a degree he was probably right, because this was the direction I had hoped he would take in life as well during our year-long absence. However, having sex with a blow up doll during my absense was more important.

When I realized that he hadn't taken this direction, I tried to control him into taking that direction when he wasn't ready to take it. I can't really say if and when he will ever decide he wants to take this direction in his life. By his own admittance, he is angry at God for various reasons. Someone who is on the same spiritual level as I am is the type of person I need/want in my life. As cruel as it might sound to some of you reading this post, I can't sit around and wait for him to get there. On that same note, there have been times that I feel I was standing in his way of truly hearing God's word.

Although I said on several other posts of the reasons why I wanted to leave, this probably is in fact the real reason. I know God has great things in store for him, but I feel I have held him back from hearing his calling, and I felt he has done the same to me. As I look back on things now, I feel God has sent me several signs showing me what I must do, but I chose to ingnore them. I have been praying and I have been asking to God to give him peace with my decision, but I feel at first it will be another reason for him to be angry at God. Reagardless of what I typed to him in the letter I sent, this is the approach I am going to take in requesting my freedom. Yes, it might seem selfish, but it is what I feel I must do. I can only hope that in time he will understand and he can grow and be the man God intended him to be.

If he becomes the man I need him to be, then if it is God's will I will gladly welcome him back with open arms.

I know this is a long-winded response to your question, but I just felt the need to share. Getting babtized and truely believing and accepting that God is in control on your life and your destiny is what brings you the most inner peace that I personally cannot explain. It is the true true meaning behind "Let Go, and Let GOD"

If you truely want to feel this peace, then ask God for direction, I promise He will lead you there. He may have been trying already, you just haven't seen the signs in the simple things in life. Look with your heart, if you are ready to "Let Go and Let GOD", your path will be clear.

Sending prayers that God will send peace to you and those around you.

Cheers!

February 22, 2005
11:26 pm
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the_real_me
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camer,

sorry about the extra letter in your "screen" name in my last post, should have paid more attention. 🙂

February 23, 2005
3:22 am
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sound like my neice she told her husband she was going to divorce him. He was in Iraq. Know that just is right!

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