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Dealing with the issue of Betrayal-RW
November 13, 2006
8:15 pm
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Randomwomen2
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This week in my wounded heart support group we are dealing with the issue of betrayal. I am having a hard time with this because it was my own parents who deeply and totally betrayed me I know that they did but I am having a hard time putting feelings with it. This is why it is so difficult I have never allowed myself to feel the anger and hurt that my parents caused me therefore never fully healing. I have put up a wall and I dont know how how to break it down. My parents betrayed me in every aspect of my childhood. They pumped me full of drugs and alcohol and had sex with me. Not only that but It was my duty to clean the house and make dinner. And if the house wasn't clean by the time they got home at 11pm They woke me up to do it or to spank me. Plus I was expected to keep up in school. There was so much betrayal that I just dont know how to deal with it all. Any ideas

November 13, 2006
8:17 pm
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mj
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Most of our deep wounds are caused by our parents. I am reading a book that is helping me to deal with my feelings. It is called choices by Andrea Moses. I highly recommend it.

November 13, 2006
8:38 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Thank you mj I will have to look into that.

November 13, 2006
8:56 pm
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Rasputin
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((((Sweet Randy))))

I'm so sorry for all the misery you went thru in your childhood.

I myself come from dysfunctional abusive family and went thru a healing process using Stormie Omartian's book which I have been recommending to so many folks. Since she had problem with her mom and I've had problem with my mom, her book was Heaven-sent book to me that really enabled me to forgive my parents and the rest of my family as well as strangers.

Did you know that Joyce Meyer hereself was sexually abused and betrayed by her 1st hubby who left her for another woman. She wrote a book about emotional healing entitled "Beauty for ashes" which even tho I haven't read it, I used Stormie's book in my healing, however I'm pretty sure it is a good book for you since you were sexually abused. I think Joyce was abused by her dad/stranger.

This book also exists in audiocassettes which makes it very handy to listen to in the car or in your home when you're doing housecleaning.

Honney, we were never promised a rosy or easy life, but we can undo the negative effects of our family.

The good news for me (((Randy))) is that nowadays, I enjoy VERY GOOD relationship with my parents and all my sibling...except my oldest sister.

This is nothing short of a MIRACLE!!! I've been praying for (((MY parents))) for many years and HP DOES answer our prayers.

I hope and wish hon you will be healed thru Joyce's book and will relate to her and enjoy a very good relationship with your parents in the same way I do right now.

(((Randy, Hugs & Prayers)))

November 13, 2006
9:36 pm
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Randomwomen2
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thank you hunny I will reply more later cause right now I am leaving for my support group.

November 14, 2006
1:03 pm
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turnabout
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Hi Rw. God Bless you in your struggles.

Feelings often pile on in layers, and the more complicated they get, the greater our tendency becomes to block them out because we fear them. Betrayal can often give rise to some volatile feelings. The deeper the betrayal, the greater their volatility can be. However, we learn to deny those feelings because they make our world seem all the more unstable. As a child living in such an abusive environment, you probably learned how to suppress them b/c as completely helpless as you were to escape your situation (which is the purpose of such emotions – to evoke a fight or flight response), these emotions made you feel your helplessness more keenly (and if you ever acted on them, may have caused a reaction from your parents that reinforced your true helplessness).

You aren’t helpless now, but this is what you’ve learned. And maybe you’re afraid of facing those feelings today b/c you’ve learned they will only reinforce a sense of helplessness for you instead of freeing you. It’s hard to trust that you will get a different result now.

Well, if any of this is true, you won’t get down to the layer of your feelings of betrayal until you first work through the layer of facing your fear of feeling anything. Just deal with your feelings one layer at a time, and you will get down to how you truely feel about what happened to you eventually.

And all of this sounds very normal and understandable given what you’ve experienced. I want you to know that.

Much love,

turn

November 14, 2006
2:26 pm
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Randomwomen2
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thank you very much. Its like peeling away layers of an onion isnt it. Maybe I will have an easyer time with this after babys born. I am also going to look into those books that sweet rasputin recomended and a book called no stones.

November 14, 2006
3:05 pm
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ggfred4
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(((RW))) One positive thing that you are doing is that you are breaking the cycle in your family...Your children won't have to experience what you went through...same with me...I just hope that there is hope for us RW, so that we don't have to feel this way the rest of our lives...I believe there is...this site is a great belief in hope...We are not alone!!! Take care little momma!!!

November 14, 2006
5:18 pm
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Um...how do you like this?

Take the dirt (how they treated you then)

And your tears

Which make the clay

That you get to mold into whatever you wish.

Brynnie the Bard

November 14, 2006
7:48 pm
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Randomwomen2
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thats pretty brynnie. GGfred I know there is hope. I have come a long way already and I know that I have a long way yet to go but I know that my destination is that much closer

November 14, 2006
8:12 pm
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Rasputin
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(((GG))) Yes there is hope for ALL abused people if we work hard on our own healing!!!!

November 15, 2006
10:58 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I've been trying

November 16, 2006
5:11 pm
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smarterone
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rw
Have to give you credit, didint know your past, i dont know since i have not been in that much of a situation how i would prepare myself to accept my parents. I cant think of what their excuse was. Dont mean to upset you, but i hurt deeply for you and cannot understand parents like that.

November 16, 2006
6:43 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I have given up on trying to understand them. I just dont think I am capable of doing so. Right know I am just trying to except what happend and forgive what happend and by forgive I dont mean forget.

November 16, 2006
7:13 pm
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exoticflower
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RW, I was very betrayed by my parents (Not nearly to the horrible degree you were, of course), and I've found the best thing I can do as an adult is to give myself and my inner child all the love and appologies that I am never going to get from them. Every single time I start to feel resentful or see how their actions when I was a child hurt me now, I write a little letter to myself when I was a child, or send myself a little email, just saying what a wonderful little girl I was, and how smart and special and how sorry I am that little girl didn't get the love she deserved. I tell my younger self in my mind that I know she still hurts and is still in there feeling all alone, and that she isn't, and that now I'm going to be the parent and I'm going to love and protect her and never never hurt her or want her to feel pain. I know it sounds hokey, but it really does help me a lot, and it lets me feel like after all of this time, that hurt little girl I was that was so neglected and treated so hatefully finally has some peace, finally has the unconditional love and safety I never had.

I'm so sorry, I always am, for what you were put through. I think it's amazing and wonderful the way you have overcome, the strength and hope you always seem to have. If it had been me, I don't know that I could have ever healed even a little, more or less enough to have and love three wonderful children myself and seek every day to give myself happiness. I think it's just incredible the way you've risen above and given yourself the right to happiness even with what was done to you.

November 16, 2006
11:07 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am still trying to find that inner child. and I dont know how to find her. What has gotten me through all of this is my faith for some reason I have had faith since I was a small child I didnt get it from my parents its just something thats always been there.

November 17, 2006
10:23 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh Ras. It started so young for you too, didn't it? Almost as though you NEVER had a chance to be a child.

My parents mistreatments started when I was very very young too, and what I learned from my therapist to help me place who I was, who I started as (even as babies, you know, we are our own indivdual little selves--you must know that from your boys). You're suppposed to try a little every day to remember the very earliest pleasant memories and start there. I always think back to being a child, about 3, with a doll I really liked. Things were already really bad then for me in some ways, but I remember msyelf as that little girl and use that as sort of my 'safe time' for her. WHenever I think of my hurt or angry or scared or ashamed self, whenever I am dwelling on those parts and those feelings are coming up in me, I imagine my adult self being there and physically taking that little girls hand and taking her to that room with that doll, away from the situation, and saying and doing very loving and healing things, explaining that those grownups, my stepmom and my father, were just very sick inside and that what they did was wrong, and that I know it's wrong, and that the little girl wasn't bad and I'm so sorry it happened. A big thing for me was for years and years finding no comfort in KNOWING what I went through wasn't right and wasn't fair. It wasn't until I heard other people saying it and explaining it in therapy and as I shared, that I found comfort. It's like having a support system that sypathizes with you every second when you can locate that inner place to do it for yourself.

November 17, 2006
10:23 pm
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exoticflower
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Just in my experiance, of course.

November 17, 2006
11:27 pm
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Randomwomen2
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The problem I have is that I have absolutly no good memories besides the sex drugs and alcohol I remember having to give my dog away cause every time he barked my parents would beat the crap out of him. I remember screaming and yelling fights between them. and on the day of my uncles funural my ex step dad tryied choking my mom to death

November 17, 2006
11:29 pm
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Randomwomen2
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and thats about all I remember

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