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Dealing with live, How does one cope?
December 12, 1999
4:16 pm
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URS
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I feel throughout my whole live I had to fight for everything.Everytime I feel I've come out on Top again there is something else popping up... Past, Present or Future.
Now I have finally worked out that a lot of my problems are problems of others, I thought I could get on with my live. It worked out so, that my past problems were dealt with in such a manner that they will always come back to me at one stage or another of my live. How does one eliminate problems successfully?
I feel I could live quite happy and deal with live as it is at the moment, but how do I stop the circle- effect of dealing with a situation and than having to deal with the same thing again in different view on a different time? Has anyone any suggestions?

December 12, 1999
7:03 pm
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eve
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Hi URS, is it really your old problems coming back? Or are they new, other more challenging problems?
I think that it is possible to deal with most problems. But you can't get rid of problems in general - new ones keep coming. What I am trying to do is not to eliminate problems, but to keep them at arms length. With some training I learned by now to recognise a "rising" problem much earlier, when it is still small and can be solved easier. And I try to find the quickest way to solve a problem, and not think too much about old behavioral patterns of myself that brought me there. But it surely helps to learn to know these patterns because they can be real troublemakers. But once you've spotted them you can start to decide if you want to stick to them or laugh about them. Best wishes, Eve

December 12, 1999
10:20 pm
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mnms
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eve,
I really understand what you are saying. I have discovered the same thing very recently. Unfortunately, I have dealt with problems in a lot of negative ways that affect aspects of my life NOW. That makes it really hard to move on with life into the FUTURE. But, I guess what I really have to do is accept that I've made mistakes, accept the consequences, and live with them. I can try not to make the same mistakes next time. Someone once told me that you can make a new past. For every bad thing that occurred in the past, substitute one good thing.
This probably isn't clear so let me give an example out of my own life...

I didn't have a great family when I was growing up... but last year I met some great people who became like a family to me. Every good moment I have with my "new family" replaces a bad moment I had with my "old family."

Okay... so maybe it's a stretch, and it's not an easy thing to do. But... it helps me to think of it that way.

I'm building a new past for myself.

What do you think?

December 12, 1999
11:45 pm
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KTHOMAS
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I like that mnms...if you don't mind I am going to adopt that way of thinking for myself.

Like URS...my life has been an up hill battle. Nothing has come easy...I have had to fight every inch of the way. I have been around long enough to know that for some people...that is just the way it is. For a while I must admit I gave up and stopped fighting. I just let things happen an go on all around me and acted as if the issues would just go away. Of course they didn't and I ended up making things worse. Which I believe makes me appreciate my life now.

Sometimes our past does stick with us...but we must learn to accept it and not let it keep dragging us down. If it must follow us...then it will do so on our terms.

Am I making sense? I hope so.

December 13, 1999
6:02 am
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eve
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I forgot to say, that I don't usually think that problems are threatening me, it's more like something on the list of things to do. At work one of my favorite "things to do" is troubleshooting - instant things like: why is this machine making that peculiar noises, why did this test not bring the expected results - but some long term things as well: how can we rearrange our working routine to make this or that error less likely. I think it's fun, and I'm quite good at it. I'm planning to be able to say the same for my private life some day soon.

December 15, 1999
3:54 pm
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URS
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Hi everyone,thanks for all your replies.It helped me partly.Eve, my problems are really reacuring.One of the major problems is my father.He is an Alkoholic and a Tramp. Yes, I have dealt with this in different ways. I have tried understanding, arguing, silencing, accepting... etc. I have had 20 years to do so, yet I still know I have a major problem with him, or his behaviour towards me. Sadly it is to late to talk to him about this since he is now Braindamaged from A- abbuse.(not that i haven't tried before!)
I can't keep this at arm's length because i will always be his daughter. However, I do live in a different country to him, so I am kind of lucky in that way I suppose.

Anyway, if any of you have any good Ideas to my problem please pass them on. I would be very grateful.

December 15, 1999
5:54 pm
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Angelwings
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It is in this whole life process of meeting and solving "problems" that life finds its meaning.
Problems call forth our courage and wisdom: indeed, they create our courage and our widom. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failiure. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. Blessings

December 16, 1999
2:06 pm
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eve
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Hi URS, do you know that ursa means bear, so you chose a strong name ;-).
When you are not living with your father: what is the main problem you have with him right now?
What problems could you have in the future?

Fear? For him? Of him? Of going back? For yourself?
Shame? When? Why? Can you avoid it? Get over it?
Feeling responsible for him? Are you?
Sadness? because you should have had the right to have a loving, caring father? Love? Because you really don't understand why you do / don't feel love for him? Why?

It can sometimes be awful to face these (and many more, you know your situation better) questions. But by thinking about these things and trying to find the questions that are easiest to answer you might get rid of that waggonload of whatever is looming behind you.
You can find or fight your way right there. When I feel like I'm tired of fighting, I always think of my nephew. When he was little and I asked him what he would really like to do he often replied "let's fight, or else play soccer". And he was so enthusiastic about it! I just picture him and try to get that feeling: fighting can be fun, it can be a wonderful game, even wothwhile when we don't win. Eve

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