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Deal Beakers: The man with no fault... FL
June 15, 2007
11:00 am
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Anonymous
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atalose,

I still see him ocassionaly. I know I sould not but I get lonely.

June 15, 2007
11:02 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Hi all. I did manage to meet the girl and I took her shopping to pick up a few things she forgot then she and I did go to the function, grocery store, etc. We went back to his house last night and the three of us fixed dinner. Yes, I do know his mother. We have been together over three years. We have had a few major ups and downs. Most recently was two weeks ago when we broke up. He came back and I took him back. I still haven't resolved all my feelings about him. I love him with all of my heart, there are just some issues there.

Bitsy

June 15, 2007
11:25 am
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atalose
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feelinglost,

How has he begun to move on from the relationship? Does he date? How often does he call you or do you do most of the calling? Where is he in his life at this moment?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 15, 2007
12:14 pm
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taj64
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Feeling lost, it is normal to feel lonely and even harder after a big breakup. Do you think by seeing him and spending time with him and also spending time reading information about his personality that you may be hoping to change his mind? I think if you get active in other things that are about you will take the focus off him. Instead of reading about him, start writing a list of activities, things that have been meaning to do. Even if difficult at first just keep adding to it. Take baby steps to do them. I don't think you are doing yourself any good by keeping one foot in his door. Hang in there feeling lost. It is all a process.

June 15, 2007
12:37 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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FL - I don't want you to feel like you are being ganged up on.

however, I have to agree.

I wonder if you have some subconcious feeling that if you "understand" what makes him tick - if you "get him" - that by staying in occasional contact, you will someday be able to get him back and have it work.

I want to tell you, from experience, that it will not work that way.

I kept my foot in the door with my exex...in a roundabout way.

I came to my understanding of what makes him tick...thru this website over the years.

Then I had the chance to try to make it work again.

And I walked away.

And now, on some level, feel stupid for spending all the time wishing, hoping, learning, figuring, planning, etc....in hopes it would work.

It won't work cuz it wasn't meant to.

And despite my "understanding", things will not be any different. I may understand, but I will STILL feel shortchanged by his lack of....his inability to....his choices...his actions.

just cuz "I get it" doesn't take the pain away.

I could have gone back...but I thought it thru, knowing what I knew, using my new understanding of the situation and was smart enough to foreshadow what would happen.

And sure enough, without my even trying, it did....the only difference was...it happened with me at a safe distance away...and I didn't get hurt.

He is who he is...no amount of searching is going to make your "insides" accept his behaviours.

shame on him for coming back...and it's too bad you keep letting him back.

I wish you would start focusing that wasted energy on yourself - make it WORTHWHILE....learn about YOU....learn about what makes YOU tick....learn how to make new/good decisions for YOU...and find new hobbies and activities and friends that will fill you with healthy energy and take thee focus/need off of him.

as long as you allow him, he will take advantage of you...but because he's come back (for whatever), he hasn't stayed...which is a huge clue that it's all it will ever be. Just a booty call if you will...or whatever it is. But nothing more.

You deserve so much better and he simply isn't going to be that.

And you are only cheating yourself by giving your power away to him.

Perhaps it's time to start looking in the mirror, start looking within...it's scary....it's hard work....but it's soooooooo worth it.

Fake it til you make it....you may not feel you are worth it....so pretend like you are...once you start doing the work, you will see how worthwhile you are.

June 18, 2007
6:05 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Well to bring you all up to date. I met C. She and I get along quite well. Many years ago she had an affair with R and he bonded with her oldest daughter but not her youngest. 5 weeks into the affair he was transferred with his job and she eventually got a divorce and they saw each other from time to time, during which she has been involved with other men and he was married and divorced. The last time they were together was four years ago for a week. He was getting over the ex-wife and she was dating someone. The three of us actually spent the weekend together during which time she looked at him and said "I love her, she is wonderful" talking obviously about me. She has made sure to assure me that she and R are only friends and that she is happy to be in that place in her life where she loves him but feels nothing romantic for him. He said we were killing him this weekend;) I opened up a little and told her some about our relationship and how much I loved him even though he did this push/pull thing with me sometimes. She said she ought to kick his ---! She is even friends with the man she dated for four years and his soon to be wife. She is being the Best "Bitch" when they get married. Offered me the same deal! I have to say I like her. She may be good for me. Who knows. She told me she found a new friend in me. I told her she couldn't move down here that R would lose his friend and his girlfriend if we lived in the same town and could get into trouble like we did this weekend. I do worry because she is definately an alcoholic and I have to be careful not to try to take care of them. As for R who can tell. I left them both yesterday afternoon as my daughter was coming home and have not heard from him today, which isn't unusual. He tends to do that sort of thing to me on a regular basis and I have refused to call him first for the past 2 1/2 weeks since we broke up and got back together. Is this sick and twisted or what?

Bitsy

June 19, 2007
6:59 pm
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Zinnie
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Feelinglost,

If you still see him occasionally, you are still clinging to that last desperate hope that he will suddenly change and treat you the way you want him to treat you.

That is not going to happen. First of all, I do agree with the above stated in that you must learn to accept and love yourself first. Once you begin to do that and see yourself with more self respect, you will find that you might be attracting a better quality person who is able to give you a wonderul relationship in which you are an equal partner.

We must concentrate on us - sure, you do need to understand the past, and why you made the mistakes that you made - but, you have to learn from them and go on - not just analyze, re-analyze, and rethink the relationship that is no longer - just learn from the mistakes that were made and keep moving forward.

Z.

June 19, 2007
6:59 pm
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Zinnie
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Feelinglost,

If you still see him occasionally, you are still clinging to that last desperate hope that he will suddenly change and treat you the way you want him to treat you.

That is not going to happen. First of all, I do agree with the above stated in that you must learn to accept and love yourself first. Once you begin to do that and see yourself with more self respect, you will find that you might be attracting a better quality person who is able to give you a wonderul relationship in which you are an equal partner.

We must concentrate on us - sure, you do need to understand the past, and why you made the mistakes that you made - but, you have to learn from them and go on - not just analyze, re-analyze, and rethink the relationship that is no longer - just learn from the mistakes that were made and keep moving forward.

Z.

June 19, 2007
9:35 pm
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taj64
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Personally I don't think anyone is ganging up on you. But just maybe a lot of heads are thinking the same since well you don't seem to want to focus on you or talk about you. You seem to disappear for awhile wehn you get reinvolved with him. Then find your way back when he isn't reciprocating. where are you these days? I'd like to hear about you, what exactly do you want from all this? You deserve way better than what you are settling for. I get a tickle when you write about you. You seem more focused and not feeling so lost.

June 27, 2007
7:44 pm
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taj64
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I thought I would bump this up for you feeling lost. I haven't heard from you in awhile. I was thinking of you. I sincerely hope you are feeling better. Find your way back.

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