Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Deal Beakers: The man with no fault... FL
June 13, 2007
3:46 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is a summary of a chapter of a book I am reading from Dr. bethany Marshall. This sounds like my ex to a tee! I am curious how many of us have been in relationships like this?

Deal Breakers- When to stay and when to walk away

The Man without Fault

He believes he is more important then everyone, can not self reflect and rarely takes responsibility for his actions. He overvalues achievements and minimizes short comings. He knows best and the relationship revolves around him.

When you first met him you may look up to him. he has you beliving his life is more important then others, his house is better, etc. You begin to feel by associating with him you are special too. Initially he treats you like a queen. He ADORES you, idolizes you, wins & woes, compliments you because you are the prize. He is willing to talk about things at first but as time goes on he diminishes you. The once beautiful you is replaced by a nothing and you wonder what happened to your wonderful self.

He never feels he has done anything wrong. He lives in an unrealistic world, says mean things and sees nothing wrong with it. Talks about him self exclusively and be clueless he is self absorbed. He may drink excessively and stay out all night without a phone call and feels you should deal with it. He make is unwilling to make a commitment and does not understand that he has wasted your time

He may have become like this because his caretakers were critical and devaluing and as a result he may have compensated to making himself better then everyone. He clings to beauty & perfection because it makes him feel beautiful and perfect. Nothing you ever do is good enough.

Warning signs:

Overtime he treats you shabbily. The man without fault does not self examine. He is not willing to respond to your needs. If you ask for more time, he calls you needy or he accuses you of using him. He is most interested in you when you are serving a purpose. If you confront him, he will deflect the problem back to you to avoid his own short comings.

The man with out fault will not allow him self to be cast in a negative light. He may begin to blame problems on you because it is too hard to self reflect.

Conversations with him:

You-
I would really like to be included in your plans with your friends. I know your friends are important but they always include their girlfriends.

Him-
You are so needy. Plus I never know ahead of time where we are going and the places we go aren¡¦t the right environment for women.

You-
I would love if you could help me around the house. I don¡¦t mind doing my part but some days I am so tired from working all day and would love some help

Him-
You are so selfish, everything is about you and besides I work all day and I make more money then you.

You-
I would like to know where our relationship is headed. I am 30 years old and would like to start a family. Is our relationship going towards marriage?

Him-
I was just beginning to relax and you ruined it. All you do is pressure me, do you think I would be with you if I didn¡¦t think we would be together?

The capacity to self reflect is important and flexibility is key to a healthy relationship. If he only looks outward when you have relationship problems, this is a deal breaker.

Is he a man with no fault and how to know.
1) Does everything revolve around him? His job is more important, his friends are more important, and his time is more important?
2) When you ask for respect you leave from the conversation feeling worse?

The key personality trait of the man with no fault is an inflated sense of importance and devaluing attitude toward others. His ideas are the best, his possessions are nothing but the best, etc.

Men with superiority complexes come in all shapes and sizes. He feels you should devote time to what he wants to do and you feel exhausted &used and you feel like you are living his dreams. He makes you feel you can never completely earn his love and you keep waiting for the golden egg of approval from him which never comes. He keeps the promise of a fuller relationship is constantly dangled and a true commitment is never made. In turn you start losing a part of yourself, you feel picked apart and redouble your efforts to make things better.

Underneath he is very insecure and when you try to talk to him about problems he feels attacked. When a man with no fault feels attacked, he invariably attacks back twice as hard. You feel you can never disagree and like you are walking on eggshells.

He tends to gravitate towards strangers because he can spin stories any way he wants but you see through him.

Who choose this type of person?
Ironically it is your need to be viewed as special that causes you to pick this type of person. As the relationship progress and you ask for more time and commitment he distorts your good intentions. During this phase you begin feeling confused. How could the man who adored you suddenly accuse you of thinking about yourself? You went from prize to nothing. You feel reluctant to leave because you think maybe he is right you are nothing with out him. In turn you begin to feel good when he feels good, you feel happy when he is happy, when you get crumbs of attention you feel like you are having a feast.
But when he takes his affection away you long for it to return. CUT THE CHORD HE IS BAD NEWS! It is our addiction to approval that keeps us in the relationship.

If you go through the day constantly worrying about the relationship, thinking about the last fight you had and keeps you upset and confused. Its time to leave the coffin! Wake up silly this is how he wants you to feel. It is time to leave the relationship and put down new roots, grow with out him sucking up all the nutrients and sun in the garden! ļ

June 13, 2007
3:53 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I see this in MANY people...always the victim, never their fault.

not just men, but women too.

I dated two guys...one was the charmer who wove good stories and didn't stay too long with any one person, lest they "see thru him". He was loveable...but when pushed for more, he pushed away, ran...only to come back when the dust settled.

the other guy...well, he was the "my shit don't stink" kinda guy...always the victim...never his fault...no personal accountability...if something didn't go right, it was the world against him...he also liked having an audience...but he was different in that, he wanted the commitment...many broken promises...which he didn't like being discussed...many "big dreams" that didn't materialize thru no fault of his own.

this lack of accountability is a mark of a narcissist too...I am sure my ex was one....I think some of these books just change their descriptions either to avoid using "labels" or because they want to look "different" than the competition,

June 13, 2007
4:14 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would not be spending your time analyzing this ex. You are still at it, trying to figure him out. When are you going to talk about you? It is always about him. What makes him tick. What about you? WHo are you anyway? Most of us know this guy, up and down but you are still trying to come up with who he is when basically he is this all along and there is nothing hidden about him. I sure hope you are still focusing on you. I have seen you post very little but when you do it is always what he is doing or how he behaves. IT is an obession with you, to figure him out. Are you seeking therapy to figure out what you want and what you need?

June 13, 2007
4:17 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Taj,

I am still going to counseling. I am trying to figure out why I pick men like this. Maybe it is that being with them makes me feel special. I don;t know...

June 13, 2007
4:28 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

the need to feel needed...yep, been there, done that.

it's hard, with a normal relationship....if you don't feel "needed", then how do you get your "validation" that they want you?

usually that sets you up for a host of insecurities.

if you make yourself available and find a guy that DEPENDS on you...then you feel needed and worthy and know where you stand.

but it's no fun in the end.

I do think that it's important to understand what makes the exes tick...to know what kind of guys you keep getting involved in.

BUT, I think it's more important to start looking at your own past and your own inner workings and figure out what makes YOU tick.

what past issues causes you to want these kinds of guys and how do you fix that?

it's more important to focus on yourself than the others.

I think it's important to "know" what your exes did that was dysfunctional...but why is pretty much less important.

WHY is more important in regards to your own recovery.

June 13, 2007
4:33 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The biggest lesson to learn is that you don't need validation from a man or a relationship in order to feel special. I don't think you feel good about yourself so you need it from a man. Only problem with that is that because you don't feel good about yourself you attract men that don't feel good about themselves either. Like attract like. If you work on yourself like it has been said many times, over and over, you will end up feeling good about you and then you won't care for this ex BF, you won't even like him much less love him and then when your heart is open again and probably when you least expect it, you will meet someone good for you, some that likes you for who you are and accept you and vice versa. This guy is out of your life, even when you were with him he was out of your life. Why just now you wrote a little sentence about you but you can write a whole damn page about this ex. This is your pattern. I got myself a loving dog now. I would prefer my dog over quite a number of my ex boyfriends. He is loyal, faithful, friendly, listens to me whenever i need it, all i have to do is call and I got a friend and helped me through a dark time. Maybe you could get yourself a dog like mine. He never puts me down either or calls me trophy wife, or compares me to anyone else. He loves me and he will stick by me. Yeah the dog is good. I focused on what I need, what I want. Sure I have days when I miss that ex but it is short lived thought at times. It passes. I used to try to figure him out, what he was saying. But I learned. And what he was saying was exactly what he was saying. I was looking for anythin but what he was saying. I had to take responsibility for my role in the relationship too. Accepting and learning your role doesn't mean you are a bad person or you are doomed for life. LIfe is about learning and growing. So this ex of yours, ok is all that a certain type, a man with no fault or at least he thinks he is, but honestly this is good information to learn and to try to stay away from this type of guy yet keep in mind, that your life is what you make of it, and the focus should be on you, not trying to figure out all his wrongs. Trying to fix him is never going to work if that is your intention. He treated you like crap, nothing short. You deserve better. And you will get it as soon as you treat yourself better.

June 13, 2007
4:41 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

risingfromtheashes & TAJ,

What you both say makes sense. I think that I know I have a problem and I have a good understanding of why. I read books, go to counsleing but I feel I am not getting any better. I don't understand what is ingrained in me so deeply. I want to get better and I want to be happy. Have any suggestions? Am I making sense?

June 13, 2007
4:50 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

perhaps you are avoiding the "real" issue for some reason? or perhaps you aren't looking for the deeper issue?

maybe a new therapist? or a new type of meeting?

I know for me, understanding "why" the other did what he did kept me from having to look at me...hell, HE'S the one with the problem, NOT ME.

I don't want to be wrong...I can't be wrong...I'm right all the time.

It was hard giving up my belief that I was all knowing...that I was better than them. I am not.

I picked lousy guys so I could feel superior...great huh?

I picked lousy guys cuz my dad taught me not to be choosy and take what was given to me.

I picked lousy guys cuz I needed to be needed. I needed to fix things. I needed to feel superior by rescuing.

Perhaps you are scared to look at YOU and your faults and flaws? It is hard...admitting that the real flaw, the only one that needs attention - is within yourself.

That it doesn't matter how fucked up these guys are...you picked them...andd you loved them.

Have you looked at your family history stuff? have you worked thru all the skeletons in your closet? have you healed all the old wounds?

I found my coda meetings helpful in opening those closet doors and spilling the skeletons at my feet...it was painful...but once I purged them and dealt with them and got them gone for good...I didn't have to worry about what was lurking in my past anymore. I wasn't scared anymore. I healed.

it is hard work...but it was worth it.

June 13, 2007
4:55 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hey girl it has taken me a very long time to be where I am. I ti snot an overnight process. And I probably will always have my issues just acceptance goes a long way. I think you are still at that hopeful stage, somewhere along the lines you still want this guy to change and come back to you. I think that is the problem. That is why you try to read on who he is because you want to change him to be what YOU want him to be. He never was that. You're searching for something that is missing. But what is missing is within you. Pain is inevitable when you grow. Boy I been through the pain department. It has take me more than weeks or months probably a few years where I don't run around feeling hopeless. I could not focus on the positive, it was always the negative that got in the way. It overtook it. A lot of my problems developed because I sailed through life without much love I think. It all felt so superficial and today it is superficial. Both my parents were alcoholics, of course they never had time for me. They said they loved me but they were never truly there for me, especially when I needed someone. All that especialy came out from my breakup because breakups bring out all those other losses in life even from childhood. IT is like a deep sea of them. It is painful experience to have to go through. But luckily it passes and fades. The thought of the events never truly go away and always there, always with you but if you focus on the love for yourself, plan things for yourself, stay away from things that hurt you and just keep plugging away at it, you will get there. And don't give up. Don't think of yourself as the problem. You are not damaged good at all. Life has a way of throwing things that we did not want and people do hurt us, intentionally or not, but it happens. ANd you go on and you just fight and keep that inner strength. Down must come up. It always does.

June 13, 2007
5:05 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK But when have you had enough therapy? I have been in therapy about 4 different times in my life, to deal with parental alcoholism, my father, my husband, ME especially, etc. There has to come a point when you are who you are and that is good enough. As I always say, I bought and paid for this personality. I talked to R last night. He told me he needed to tell me something and he started out by asking what I was doing Thursday morning. He wants me to go with him to the airport to pick up C who is a friend of his from a long time ago. She has gotten into some trouble and needs to get into a new environment, so he has bought her a plane ticket here and told her she could stay at least a month. They would see what happened next. He has asked his mother to let her drive an SUV that she is not using. He told me he explained to her that he was in a relationship with me and that he had told her all about me and etc. Do I go to the airport with him? Do I tell him hell no and when he decides to tell her to go home he can call me and we'll see if I am still interested? I ended up last night telling him that as much as I loved him, I couldn't love him enough for both of us. He had had several drinks so I left and went home. He called me all night long wanting me to come back and talk to him. I tried to talk to him today when no alcohol was involved but he told me he was on a job site and couldn't talk. I have been through co-dependency therapy. I have been through private therapy. There have been two other men in my life that I had absolutely no problem telling to his the road and don't let the door hit you in the behind. Why does this particular one have power over me and keep me there?

Bitsy

June 13, 2007
5:09 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WHen they are out of your life and you keep at it the distance and the no contact that control they have over you fades away. It is then you learn to have your own control. Plan your life around NOT having them in it. Don't drive where they are, don't live in their area, don't keep an open door policy, change phone number, there are many things you can do. The less you see of them the less you get hurt, the more the focus stays on you, the quicker you heal, the more you gain control over your life.

June 13, 2007
5:12 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

As long as you are active in their life, the focus stays on the guy. if is unhealthy relationship, breakups are more painful. Healthy relationships that break up are not as painful, that is my experience, that is what I have read. Sad but true.

June 14, 2007
8:51 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Risingfromtheashes,

I think I am afraid to look at me and tend to focus on fixing someone else. I come from a dysfunctional family and I guess we all do to some degree. I was adopted by my biological grandparents and I was always to how lucky I was they did that for me or no one else would have wanted me. My biological parents were heroin addicts that had me when they were 15. My dad is still a user and I have never met my mom.

Growing up my adoptive Mom had violent mood swings and would throw things call me awful names. Then an hour later she was as nice as could be.

My therapist feels I am picking men like my Mom to try and recreate my childhood. The more I think about it the more it makes sense.

I noticed something very strange over the past couple of months with me. When someone fights with me I literally want to hide from them! I think I have always done it but now I notice it more.

So I feel like I am starting to understand the why but I still don’t understand how to change my behavior.

June 14, 2007
8:56 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Taj,

What you are saying makes sense and maybe acceptance is what I need now. I just don’t feel confident that I can pick good people in my life. As hard as I deny it, deep down I am still hopeful something will magically change with the ex. I honestly feel like a drug addict and he is my fix. It makes me mad that I feel so weak when it comes to him.

Taj, how old are you? Sorry not trying to be nosey just wondering if you feel like you have changed over different stages of your life. I am 26 and sometimes I feel like I am having a quarter life crises. People see me as so put together and I just get tired of being that person.

June 14, 2007
8:58 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((BITSY)))

I think they have pwoer over us because we give it to them. We just need to learn how to tak it back.

June 14, 2007
9:04 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

FL - I think you have a few issues to deal with -

one - abandonment - causes serious hurts...and often we seek out emotionally unavailable men in efforts to make them STAY - recreating the situation from the past, hoping for a different outcome than with your parents.

two - unpredictable and painful behaviour by your "mom". You learn to "cope" and "accept" this dysfunction....not understanding it, but knowing it's "normal"....it's not...but it's familiar....so you recreate it because it's all you know.

three - being taught to be happy with what you have been given...you were taught to be happy that you were adopted...yeah ok...but who says you should be happy you were abused???? I was taught to accept scraps...and this message you were given is similar...be happy you were adopted. Be grateful when an abusive man loves you....cuz someone loves you....even if it's painful...don't be ungrateful.

Once you start looking at your past, maybe you will come to see that it's NOT you...often we are afraid to look at our own dysfunction, because we are so afraid WE did something wrong...it's OUR fault...course, that's what we were always told.

It's not our faults...we do the best with what we were given.

Once we realize that we weren't given a good start in life, we can work on forgiving and getting on with it...and making better choices.

your duck and cover in fear is a normal reaction given your abusive past...my mom has a fear of guns, given her abusive past...it's normal.

keep working with the therapist...it almost feels like you are on the edge of finally "getting it".

June 14, 2007
10:39 am
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Feeling, I wasn't going to post here because I truly thought after not hearing from you in a while that you have gone on with your life.
When did you come on this site?
The reason for this question is that from the time you first came here until now, there has been so much time wasted on someone that is gone.
This man is gone from your life and he is gone on ahead with his life. You didn't stop it and I'm sure he is not sitting there feeling sad because this relationship is over.
Whether or not this man had faults, he is a man, he is human and he is just someone that came into your life. He will not be the only person either. Life is a learning experience and if you don't get out the lesson then you are going to be stuck. That is a terrible way to live. Life is to grand to be just sitting there trying to figure out how a person is especially a man, you will be sitting for a long time girlfriend.
When you look at yourself in the mirror do you honestly see yourself? or do you see this poor weak woman in misery over her ex?
As long as we are on this earth, we are going to be hurt in our lifetime. We can't dodge that one but it is how we ourselves handles the pain that life has to offer.
I feel that I may fall on my knees but I will get up and dust them off and keep on walking. One day you may think back on this and get angry just for the fact that you wasted so much time on someone that you should of let go a looooooong time ago.
Nappy!

June 14, 2007
11:58 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am a nervous wrech today. My hands are so jittery I can hardly type. My insides are all churned up. This morning is the morning that R's friend C is coming in. She should already be here. His mother must have picked him up this morning so they could go to the airport together to get her.
The problem is that I live right next door. I am moving in a couple of weeks. He claims this is a totally platonic friendship. I don't know what to do, how to act, etc. Do I act as if nothing is wrong. He fixed dinner for me last night and I could hardly swallow anything.

Bitsy

June 14, 2007
12:21 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy, you ask,

Why does this particular one have power over me and keep me there?

Well because YOU have giving it all to him. He is not keeping you there.
You are keeping your own self there because you want to.

If he told this person that he is in a relationship then what is the problem. He is going to introduce you to her because he wants her to meet you. I can see if he was hiding something but it seem like he is not.

The only thing that you can see is how things goes until you get ready to move.

Do I act as if nothing is wrong?
What is wrong. and you should of enjoy your meal that he prepare. If you didn't have to cook that night, then it was a blessing.
Nappy!

June 14, 2007
1:32 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Nappy. I just am being insecure and it doesn't help when other people tell me that no woman comes to stay with a man unless she is interested in more. I decided to make nice and have invited her to go to a social function with me tonight while he finishes up some work tonight so that he and I can go to a concert tomorrow night. He told me she would just have to hang out tomorrow night becuase he couldn't get a third ticket so that did make me feel better.

Bitsy

June 14, 2007
1:32 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

feeling,

Are you still seeing this guy and having contact with him?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 14, 2007
2:54 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

See, just following your heart and don't just do anything yet.
Maybe this is just a person that does need to get away from her problems and he is being a friend to her. Get a chance to know her and you will be able to tell if she wants more from him or not.
The only one that knows is you and I feel that you will know how things are.
Nappy!

June 14, 2007
3:28 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Nappy,
I called to invite her to go with me and the only way I had to get in touch with her was to call his mother. She ran major interference and said she would have to get back with me on that later. I never did get to invite the girl out.

Bitsy

June 14, 2007
4:40 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy,
Does the mother know that you and her son is together?
Do you have a relationship with his mother?
Maybe the mother is trying to figure out what you want with this girl.
I don't know but at least you gave it a shot to get to know this person.
Have your boyfriend said many things about this girl?
Nappy!

June 14, 2007
5:55 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I always remember that line in Karate Kid. 'Best defense don't be there" It is so true. You don't have to stay there while this guy has this girl there. Go out. Go on vacation. Hide in your house and eat popcorn whatever.

I am married but every now and then I have to remember when my crazy husband is trying blame me or use me. "Best defenese. don't be there." A few years ago I had to put a lot of distance between my husband and myself. It was awful but it was the best thing i ever did. When he realized he could no longer emotionally abuse me, he strarted getting the professionasl help he needed and made some other chasnges. We have a long way to go to have a normal marriage so i still remember' best defense is not being there.'

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information