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dead beat marriage. depression?
June 1, 2007
7:47 pm
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luvnlife
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I really need help with this. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 1. Since I have known him, he has suffered from depression. He has been taking medication for this and when we were dating it seemed to be working. He was raised by his aunt and uncle because his father was an alcoholic and his mother physically abused him. He has abondoment issues , so he always fears that someday I will leave him. The problem is that I've been considering it. I don't know if it is the depression but he is so emoitionally detached. I'm jealous of other women including his exwife(who is now happily maried) because thier husbands pay them so much attention. My husband is self absorbed. When we are out to dinner he doesn't talk much. When we are at home I'm bored. He's not romantic and I have to remind him to buy me gifts on holidays, even my birthday. I get jelous when I see his best friend with his girlfriend showering her with compliments and attention. I dont get that. I know he loves me, but he's just not "there." Even his 12 year old daughter doesn't like coming to visit on the weekends and I think its because she is feeling the same way I do. She's bored. I've tried talking to him and telling him that I need more, emoitionally. So he tries to talk ( a little) and call me at work sometimes, but it seems so forced. I don't believe in divorce, but I am unhappy. I don't want to spend the rest of my life this way.

June 1, 2007
8:18 pm
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loverbee
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I used to have the same problem, but I snapped my ex right out of it (that is not why we broke up) when i looked at him and said, "I know you suffer from depression, but that does not have the be your entire identity. You are not just depressed. When are you going to wake up and start living? When am I going to be more sacred to you than your stupid depression." And he snapped out of it because he realized that he was convinced that that was who he was and he also liked how little people expected from him because it meant he didn't have to do much. So I would say that although depression is soemthing that is sad and not his fault, how he chooses to deal with that depression is his responsibility and he needs to shape up and ask for help from a doctor. The self absorbtion thing is a selfish quality and there are no excuses. Expect more from him cause its not like depression is his note from the doc to get out of gym class thing. He needs to stop thinking so much of himself. Selfishness is selfishness and whether he realizes it or not, he is CHOOSING to let people down.You and his daughter. You should stop having to walk around on eggshells with him.

June 1, 2007
8:24 pm
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luvnlife
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Thank u so much loverbee. He an I will definitely have a talk. We, including his daughter, will not spend the rest of our lives this way.

June 1, 2007
8:51 pm
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loverbee
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the other thing you should remember is that although he is addicted to his depression as are many others who go through these problems, there is a part of him somewhere inside that probably wants things to change as well. I think talking HONESTLY (all of you) will really help.

June 1, 2007
10:49 pm
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fantas
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Luvnlife, Loverbee is right, your husband can get help if he so wishes. You all might have to do an intervention on him but he can get better. it can get exhausting trying one medication after another with none one them working. It sounds like he has some childhood baggage that he needs to work on as well which I am sure is contributing to his depression. You can go to therapy for yourself just to talk about your frustration with all this. I also think that you should get out there and have fun. Hang out with your girlfriends, do things that make you happy. Right now, it sounds like your happiness is wrapped up in your husbands happiness. Be happy regardless of what your husband does. It might motivate him to do something to keep up with you. Keep posting...

June 1, 2007
11:17 pm
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loverbee
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Exactly fantas. Basically, when you are around someone who is so determined to be miserable and you have codependent tendencies, it may seem like you can't be happy until he is. But the fact of the matter remains...It isn't your job to fix him and it isn't your responsiblity. And being happy and healthy yourself is not mean and it doesn't mean you don't love him. It just means that you know what he is capable of and you expect more out of him. You expect him to fight and you are not going to baby him. Thats what I told myself to make sure I stopped. HOpe this helps.

June 2, 2007
7:00 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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right on, loverbee.
luvnlife,. take a deep breath, step back and live your life. Speak to your husband about his issues but stop rescuing him from consequences.

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