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Day 37 - Stumbling from darkness....
March 17, 2010
9:01 pm
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September 24, 2010
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Day 37-stumbling from the darkness

I was petting my dogs, and cut the tube on and caught the last half of Shakespeare in Love.

I knew I probably shouldn’t watch it, but I thought, “what the hay?”

Can’t beat those first instincts can you? Should always go with them, everything else be damned. Go with the gut.

It has been, well you know only too well how long it has been since I have conversed or had contact with my object of obsession. Jeez, read the first line, dope! My jumping off point from being sick to getting in touch with HOW SICK I REALLY AM!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, anyways, here I am, getting all engrossed in the twinning love story, the intensity of passion and emotions on screen when a thought suddenly occurs to me…”God, I miss that amazing feeling of being absolutely connected to someone else.” Not just the physical connection, but the deep emotional one that says “you are not alone, us two are one.”

And then another thought occurred to me....”What if I never feel that connection again?”

Okay, okay...I know the reality of the whole enchilada here– he was not real, he was imaginary, what I was feeling was a symphony of my own writing, cruising down the river of my own brain chemistry,….yada, yada, yada…. I know that.

But at least I felt it, even if it was one sided.

I know reality-he would have eventually abandoned me, after he finished using me up, drained me of life and tossed me to the garbage, and replaced me with another model so fast it would have taken one of those Swiss Olympic time clocks to measure the milliseconds! Yes, this is true.

Yet knowing the truth does not stop the yearning of the heart, does it?

In all honesty, I know he is toxic to me, and how I am now, I am toxic to me. I am thanking God for sparing me the bullet I would have taken on that one, especially on the heels of the other. I am truly grateful I was spared. Those nights I begged to be granted this one wish...thank you God for denying this one! (I would throw in there that I am also grateful for the failure to grant me other such ridiculous wishes, including, but not limited to: giving me gravity defying boobs like Pam Anderson’s; the ability to shove my entire fist into my mouth at once; fart on cue so that I could at last give my racquetball opponent “what for” when it really counted; the ability to whistle the theme from The Good, The Bad And The Ugly with perfect pitch; last, but certainly not least, the ability to write perfect cursive using the toes of my left foot.

Yes, these were wishes also not granted. And in the long run, I seemed to have made it through life sufficiently without these talents or gifts (even though the foot thing would really come in handy I think.)

But the question remains….will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship with someone who really cares about me? And will it be as….hmmm, what is the word here...intense? Satisfying? Electrifying?

Perhaps the real question is this— is a healthy love relationship as electrifying as a sick one?

Trust me, I would be willing to trade off the excitement for something real. But what does real feel like?

I wouldn’t know. I guess at this point, I have to be satisfied with the hope that someday I might have the chance at something real, something honest, something solid, something reciprocal, something decent. But the fact of the matter is that right now, all of these things are not in sight.

The only thing in sight is hope. The only path to hope is through change. I have surrendered to the fact that during this process, there can not be involvement with men. Won’t work. I’m not well, can’t be considered.

My mind drifts to thoughts of him less and less each day. Those thoughts are replaced with plans and strategies on my next movement forward from darkness to light.

But every once in awhile, the tug is strong. Knowing all that I know, working as hard as I am, even as I write these words, there is a tiny voice inside saying “He hasn’t tried to call me today or email me. I wonder what he is doing? Is he thinking about me?”

Still...a very long road to go...but I count the blessings of today. (and I am also bargaining with God-”Since I am taking a pass on this thing, why not reconsider giving me the big boobs?”)

My love to you all…….

March 17, 2010
9:30 pm
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Louwho,

I first want to thank you for your posts. I really enjoy reading them and taking from them and really reflecting off of what you write.

I to wonder now if the explosive connection I felt with my toxic ex will be the same with someone normal. And if it isn't then does this mean that I will run away from the healthy b/c I couldn't get my fix of my high in that type of love. It is one to ponder. But I would hope with healthy love you still do have a close bond and connection with butterflies and fireworks. I really hope so b/c those are the best parts of a relationship in the beginning to me anyways or should they not be?

I will have to sit and think on this now.

Thanks for sharing


March 17, 2010
10:45 pm
Forum Posts: 408
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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First I want to say that I really enjoy reading what you write. You seem to have a gift for the written word.

Second, you raise some really powerful questions and I know exactly what you are talking about. I too struggle with thoughts of life without the toxic man being boring and lonely and what will I do with myself.

It is taking me some time, but I am beginning to figure out some things I want to do for myself. Even still I catch myself wondering how will it be to experience these things alone??

All I know for sure is leaving behind a toxic man is a step in the right direction. Let's try focusing on ourselves for a change. All that energy we used to enable the toxic men can be used toward ourselves and learning to the best we can be. Once we are there I really believe deep in my heart that we will begin to attract a healthy kind of man and will know a joy and excitement that goes beyond anything we have known.

Then, if it doesn't happen I will at least be happy being the person I was always meant to be. Please keep posting, your words bring a smile as well as comfort in knowing I am not the only person on the planet who struggles with this issue. ((hugs))

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