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daughter trying to break a marriage apart
November 11, 2006
11:14 am
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2angelsinmo
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Hi, I'm married and recently got back with my husband. He's a pot head and I left to prove a point to him and my daughter, that I was tired of it and I wasn't going to put up with that anymore. Well, since being home my daughter doesn't want me back with him and says she wants to go live with her real dad. My husband has supported her and I since she was 4 years old. Her real dad has done nothing for her. He doesn't keep a job, a place to live or even a regular home phone listed. How could she say these hurtful things? He has stayed clean and is trying. He even tries to joke around with her but she takes everything out of context and starts cutting him down. I think she has given up on him and if she does go live with her dad, which to my opinion, never what do I need to do. I think alot of it is hormones and step dad, normal conflict. I didn't like my step dads either. I told her what she was feeling is normal and it too shall pass but she isn't even trying to work at it. Should I get us into family therapy and see if that works? I want her to be happy and not resent me as she's growing up. I love her so much and I want what's best for her.

November 11, 2006
11:23 am
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Randomwomen2
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IT really sounds like to me that she is looking after you. SHe doesnt want to see you hurt again and thats what she is afraid will happen. I hope that you see that through your daughters point of view. Some family counseling might help. I think for her he will never be good enough for you. Maybe some day that will change but you have to see it through her eyes hun. Please keep an open line of communtication with her. SHe loves you very much and talk to her about counseling

November 11, 2006
11:29 am
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garfield9547
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2angelsinmo

You said
"Hi, I'm married and recently got back with my husband. He's a pot head and I left to prove a point to him and my daughter, that I was tired of it and I wasn't going to put up with that anymore. "

You husband is a pot head and you left him to prove a point to him and your daughter.

Maybe you left him for the wrong reasons then. Maybe I'm just confused.
What point did you want to prove to your daughter in leaving him?

I do not think you need validation from your daughter if you want to leave or trying to prove a point to her. I do not get it.

After leaving your husband to prove your point, did what you wanted to prove to your daughter work?
Did it have the effect you wanted?

You said you were tired of it and you weren't going to put up with it anymore.
And now you are back. The messages you send to your daughter is like a double bind. Confusing.

These are just my thoughts running throught your thread. I may be wrong.

Do you get what I am trying to say?

Garfield

November 11, 2006
11:33 am
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garfield9547
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Randonwomen2

"IT really sounds like to me that she is looking after you. SHe doesnt want to see you hurt again and thats what she is afraid will happen. I hope that you see that through your daughters point of view. "

VERY well said. She does not want to see her mother hurt again. I think she has seen this many times.

2angelsinmo

I know this is a hard time you are going through. There is lots of people here and lots of different opinions that will help you get through this

Garfield

November 11, 2006
11:43 am
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garfield9547
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2angelsinmo

Talk to me. What do you think?

I am confused, but am trying to help.

Garfield

November 13, 2006
11:10 am
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lovetocrochet
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Frankly it bothers me that you're putting so much on your daughter's shoulders by saying she's trying to break up your marriage. The only two people who can decide if your marriage is on or off are you, and your husband.

Your daughter's just a kid. Don't point fingers at her. She's not the one who steers the ship. It wouldn't surprise me if part of her resentment comes from sensing that you're trying to blame her for your marital problems.

You're the one who chose to leave him, then go back to him. You've probably left her really confused. Any child would be upset as a result of that.

She probably takes things out on your stepdad because it's safer, not to mention having to live with a pothead for a parental figure for who knows how long must be really scary. Don't you think?

Yes, definitely get into counseling, if for nothing else than to have an impartial party teach you how to be responsible for your own actions and how to re-shape your family now that it's not being defined by your husband's addictions anymore. NO child is EVER accountable for the direction of the family unit.

November 13, 2006
11:31 am
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StronginHim77
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Family counseling would be in order here. Your daughter needs to be HEARD. And respected. You have chosen marriage with a substance abuser...an addict. That is a choice which ALWAYS takes a toll on the innocent children who must go along with their parent's decision. I can only imagine what this kid has been subjected to.

You do not mention how long you and your husband were separated. Usually, a track record of staying clean for at least one year would be the general guideline, BEFORE taking the guy back. Somehow, I am sensing that you were not apart from him for any substantial period of time.

Warning: his addiction to pot will probably just "morph" into something else...drinking, bootleg Rx's, etc. Keep your eyes open. He has major issues with sobriety and facing reality. Your daughter has seen enough and wants to get you and keep you away from him. Frankly, I don't blame her.

Definitely, get into counseling. I think you may need some objective input from a professional, so that you get a clearer perspective on your relationship with this man and how it affects you AND your daughter.

- Ma Strong

November 13, 2006
11:33 am
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StronginHim77
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By the way, who is more important to you?

1. the husband with substance abuse issues?

2. your daughter?

So far, your choices indicate that your husband matters more to you than your daughter. And she will know that in her heart and it will wound her deeply. Kids need to know that they come FIRST in their mother's heart.

November 13, 2006
11:57 am
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Matteo
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In my opinion first of all you have to figure out who you are and what you want, what do you expect for yourself, because it seems to me that you are doing things what other people in your life want you to do, be that your daughter or your husband, which also might be perceived by you as taking a responsibility away from you and shifting it towards them.

In my view there is no comparison and no competition between the love for the children and for the partner. They are two different kinds of love and they both should be number one if nobody's well being is compromised. However, I would give it a second look, because if your husband is an addict, the well-being of your daughter might be compromised. Keep your eyes open and first of all figure out what you want, not he or she does.

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