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Daughter Needs Rescuing
July 30, 2009
3:02 am
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armadillo
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I feel completely helpless as I watch my daughter(mid 20's) rescue another very needy boyfriend. She is attractive, educated (master's), and has a really good job. She has had a string of failed relationships (no marriages). She seems unhappy unless she finds another lost soul to rescue (her latest does not even have a hs degree.) Any suggestions?

July 30, 2009
3:45 am
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Serendy
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How I feel for you...I am still learning to let go of worrying about my adult daughter.I have now finally come to the conclusion that is all we can do.Let go and let whatever happen happens.It will take a long time maybe for you to reach that conclusion.But I am finding that is the only answer.It seemed the more I was trying to "guide"my daughter in the "right" direction in her relationship with her "no good"man.The more our relationship suffers and so does hers with her man,as she then seems more determined to make it work!..If you can.Try to look after yourself and do whatever you can in a positive way to take your mind off of your daughter.It dosen't mean that you do not care for her.It means that you trust that in the end she will see the light as an intelligent woman...It is not an easy one.As mothers we just want to protect our children whatever age they are.But sadly the hardest lesson on motherhood seems to be,to let go.Just be there in the background for when she WILL come to you.That is what I am waiting for and I know is going to happen.And WILL happen for you....I have just got so tiried and worn out and for my daughter and her relationship dominating my life..You are not alone.For every negative,there is a positive.If I hadn't of been in your situation,I wouldn't beable to be trying to help you now.And as you are now in the situation that you are in.You are making me realise that my situation isn't unique...I hope I have offered some ray of light...Sunshine and peace of mind to you and your daughter.

July 30, 2009
7:46 am
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It No Longer Matters
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You could always try reverse psychology and just embrace this one with such enthusiasm that she starts looking to see how he is different and discovers for herself what all is wrong....hmmmm....just a humorous thought...

Bitsy

July 30, 2009
12:03 pm
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atalose
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Have you ever tried discussing codependency with her, explaining your own and how she may have witnessed mistakes you made along way and she is following un-healthy habits that you were not aware of back then.

Possibly give her a book, that’s about all you can do. Provide her with knowledge then leave it up to her.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 30, 2009
12:22 pm
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armadillo
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Thanks to Serendy and Atalose for your thoughtful comments. I know that my daughter is aware of what she is doing since she has been involved in therapy in the past. I think that I have to let go and trust what happens. It is very hard to stop trying to control another person's life, especially when you see where that path is leading, but I am prepared to try and let her make her own decisions for a change.

July 30, 2009
1:19 pm
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atalose
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I had a situation last fall with my niece who had come to live with me 3 years ago. I had to realize that I had done everything I possibly could have to help her have a healthier life. All that was left for me to do was let go and allow her to make her own decisions but more importantly suffer the consequences of those decisions.

I learned that in letting go you either let go or you don’t there is no middle ground other wise I would be sending her mixed messages. Example: she wanted to move to be with this guy she was in love with, gave up her job and left here with about 100.00 in her pocket. I didn’t hear from her until she needed $, seems she found out the hard way that finding a part time job was harder then she thought. I told her I couldn’t help her seeing that she left me stuck with an enormous cell phone bill. I was smart enough to take the phone away before she left. She was mad but I stuck to my decision of totally letting go other wise I’d always end up being the bank for her ill faded decisions.

Has your daughter ever asked you to help her financially? And if so do you believe it’s because she uses her own money to help these people?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 30, 2009
2:40 pm
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_anonymous
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armidillo- Hi. Being co-dependent means that a person feels that it is their responsiblity to control another person. They even feel responsible for other peoples problems. Much like the way you feel towards your daughters choices in men.

July 30, 2009
3:07 pm
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armadillo, I did not mean to be flip about your situation. It just sometimes seems that we beat our heads up against walls and never get anywhere. I really was trying to be funny. I must have fallen short of the mark.

Bitsy

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