Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Daughter behaving badly
March 31, 2007
8:13 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((RHH)))
This isn't about your daughter. This is about you. When our children are small, we have to open the boundaries and let them ask for more than what is reasonable in other kinds of relationships because they are helpless. In order to survive, both parent and child have to rebuild those boundaries so we can live as adults. As they grow they are supposed to become less helpless. They can't do that if we don't let them learn to take care of themselves.

You can't successfully dictate what your daughter's life will be like, except as it overlaps yours. You wouldn't let a tenant get away with free babysitting and rent and bad behavior. Just because she is your daughter does not give her a free ticket to run all over you.

Now is the time for you to love yourself enough to protect your boundaries. I know the grandkids complicate things and the current situation seems to require sudden drastic changes.

Remember, this is more about you than your daughter, RHH. Your daughter is grown. She is not a child. Be very deliberate about where and when you help. Do so when it is to YOUR benefit and never when it is to your detriment. But you can't do it overnight. You didn't create this situation overnight and you can't fix it overnight (that's the FLYlady talking).

In your shoes, one thing I might do is establish babysitting hours. I would say: Hey, I am available to keep the kids from 4pm to 8pm every day (or whatever works for you). Outside those hours, if you need childcare, please make other arrangements. This doesn't mean that you won't be available for an emergency, but that you expect her to honor your time because you have other obligations (including those to yourself). Make it about you taking better care of yourself and about setting a better example for her.

At some point, they should pay rent. Even if it is a token amount, because the more she feels like an adult, the more likely she is to act like one. Use the money to make investments in more efficient heating/cooling solutions.

Be prepared to call social services. Better to get the daughter in hot water than lose your grandchildren to domestic violence.

Think about the reasonable expectations any landlord would have and put in place, slowly over time, those requirements.

Stop trying to change everything overnight. Change one thing today and stick with that for a month. A year from now, if you have changed ten things, you will be better off than you are now. If you keep trying to eat the whole elephant at once, you will still be sitting here trying to eat the elephant.

You can tell your daughter to change till you run out of breath, but you can show her how to make a better life, one step at a time. The most important thing a mother can do is love her children enough to love herself. When our children see that we love ourselves, then they can see how to love themselves. I'm not talking about being totally selfcentered, but basic taking care of you. Do it for yourself and do it for them. You will kill yourself trying to fix someone else by neglecting yourself. I know its cliche, but they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others for a reason.

love,
bonni

April 1, 2007
7:37 pm
Avatar
Red High Heels
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dustpuff,
Sorry I'm just now writing. I live in a small quaint town. We have a resturant/pub within walking distance, if I choose to..that several of my friends go to on Sat. nites for Karoeke. Spelled right????
Anyway they have great food and it's a great atmosphere, and I had fun, but wasn't feeling the greatest, so I didn't stay very long. I've been sleeping all day because I was up all night with stomach aches/the doo doos lol, headache, fever and vomiting. Not a pretty picture. I'm feeling a little better now. All 3 of my dogs bellies are gurgling like they are talking, so they are probably getting it now. I work in a health clinic and had my blood drawn last tues. for my leukemia white count and to check me for mono, but we changed services and all the weeks blood is lost and I think maybe my blood is in ST. Louis Missouri!!!I was wanting to travel but not like that! Hopefully it will all be straightened out and the results back by Monday.
You know there is so much we all have in common that I sometimes want to cry reading this stuff. seriously... Yes I do pray all the time and if you knew my last 3 yrs. the whole story...The Lord is been there for me and without him, I would not be writing this today. There is way more to my sorry life than my daughters problems,but it would take a long time to tell it all. I really thought of writing a book 2 yrs ago and naming it "I've lost it all but you Lord" because I had. I try to stay strong and we as women can make it by ourselves. That is what I try to tell my daughter that she needs a profession or some sort of experience to support herself and the 2 babies so she never, never, has to rely on a man.
I don't know if I said this before, but I ran away and got married when I was 18 because my mom and I were not getting along. My dad was very sick with Parkinsons disease so he kinda stayed out of it. Anyway, the guy ended up physically abusing me fo 2 yrs. Beatings and guns pointed at me.
That is a whole other story, and then I married my last x ...4 yrs later and he was verbally abusive. You can see why I really don't look too hard for a relationship besides the fact that I don't have the energy for one. Your x sounds like mine..still being mean and trying to make me feel inadequite. I don't know how much a mediator costs? or do they mean just a mutual friend? Your kids are younger than mine. so I guess you still have to have the connection. I would not pay a dime for him being a selfish stupid idiot, but then thats just cheap me!!You are nothing like him...you are a great strong mom and he is another man drowning in the cesspool of life. Let him drown.
Have you ever had wierd things happen like you run into someone that you were just thinking about and haven't seen or you end up working or living somewhere you never thought you would? Like this last guy I was seeing lives 1 hour away in a town that my Grandmother lived in and I loved that town so much that I even said once that I hoped there would be a little --------in Heaven!!As kids, my parents would drive past where his house is now after his divorce every Sunday on the way to my other Grandmothers!
Point I'm trying to make is ./.wouldn't it be funny if some day as a traveling nurse, and me in a health clinic, where I could tranfer to anywhere in the US( and have thought of it actually) that one day we were just talking about our problems and we discovered that it had been us talking on the computer! It could happen!!Anyway hope things are going ok and the kids at least gave you a peaceful weekend. Please stay in touch if only a few words.

April 1, 2007
7:56 pm
Avatar
Red High Heels
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sadsack,
Maybe your boy will decide to go away. Sometimes I get all depressed and upset and things change and it all works out. Like dustpuff said...at least he is a very good student. My daughter used to be and it was all that we could do to get her to graduate high school! It was a nightmare and she skipped so much that she was reported to juvinile and had to go to court again. It sounds like he is smart and that you had 15 great yrs with him. Maybe he is just going through what I see other sons of my good friends go through. I have a friend that her and her husband are very spiritual,they have a daughter who is maybe 2 yrs older than the boy who has never been in trouble and he is constantly in jail for being drunk and on drugs and is always getting into trouble. They built 3 nice apts. by their house and he is living in one right now...probably for free and has been running with this other friend of mines son and he just got picked up for underage drinking. His dad was killed in a terrible tractor accident about 5 yrs ago and the mom got quite a bit of money and now he has everything he wants and wants more and more and maybe out of guilt or feeling sorry about his dads death, she gives more and more and so does my first friend that I was telling you about, just like I do my daughter. It sounds like your x and the godmother have done the spoiling for you. Stick to your principals and I truely feel in my heart that as he ages he will see things differently and you will be the friends you once were. Just stay busy and focus on other things until he gets his act together. My daughter will use the look what dad or his girlfriend bought me to make me feel bad. but the funny thing is that only happens once in a great while, and I'm paying her bills, buying diapers, etc. every day. Its like to make me feel like I should go out and do more. I don't let that trick work!!!
Have you ever wondered whats behind our names? You all probably think I;m some wild thing going out in my Red High Heels!!!Don't even have a pair. It's a country song I like. There are a lot of country songs that I feel that I can relate to and sometimes I think they wrote them about me. Sometimes at night I just lay in bed and listen to the all music channel until I fall asleep.
Anyway hope your week-end was good. Easter is almost here!!Look how fast our lives go. Come on girls.....lets start new and live the rest of our lives for ourselves. That is not selfish...it may show our kids to respect us like we respect ourselves!

April 1, 2007
8:24 pm
Avatar
Red High Heels
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kapngo,
I sure understand your life! My daughter asked me to babysit last Sat. night when I have told her over and over how much the 15month and the 3 month drain me . It is almost immpossible for a woman of my age, with leukemia, no man here to help to watch 2 babies for over 12 hours and I get no sleep. I start feeling guilty but if I do it I usually end up sick the next week like the last time so it's time to learn. I know what you mean about friends and relationship...having no time. I feel like my whole life is my daughter and her kids and I have so much to do around my house. Wheres the help there? Hello?????? Why can't my daughter and her boyfriend help me? Because they are lazy and inconsiderate. I was sick this weekend, but next weekend I'm going to start some house projects and sorry for their babysitting luck. I will spend a little time with the babies for 2 reasons. One because they didn't ask to be born and I am the sanest person in their life and two because I really do enjoy them. My 15month granddaughter makes me laugh so much. She is so smart and so funny. Gotta enjoy it now in case she turns into her mother later!!!I do the same thing that you do...What if I make her mad and she holds the grandkids from me? That really makes us a prisoner doesn't it? I have a friend thats son held his grandson from him for a yr. It would kill me but, I'm not going to let her hang that over my head anymore. I've decided enough is enough. You have to ask yourself that question. When is enough, enough? My x was a complete idiot of a husband,,,stayed with him for 23 yrs so my daughter wouldn't have to come from a broken home...she really appreciated that didn't she?lol anyway, he is a terrible parent, person and I'm not so sure he has some kind of mental problem? People that know him can't understand his thinking..it's like if its a bad thing...just ignore it or act stupid. He let my daughter run amuck after our separation. She would not live with me, even after I moved across town to an apt. that she could live in to go to the High School that she wanted to go to. He never knew where she was or who she was staying with and if I tried to interfere. they both turned it around to make it look like I did something wrong! I'm not kidding. One time I came home from work, after I bought my little house..she was sitting on the couch watching tv. and I was carrying in groceries that I could not really afford and she would not even get up to help me. She said oh yeah by the way the toliet is plugged up but I threw some towels around it! I was very upset because I had just bought this house on my own and didn't even make 15K dollars a year at that time! I went back to unplug it and up came a million Q-tips! I had told her over and over not to throw them into the toliet, but she didn't care. I went crazy(well crazy for me) and went out and grabbed her by the sleeve and pulled her back to the bathroom and showed her and asked her why would she do that when I've asked her not to? She shoved me across the hallway to the floor...I laid there crying...she didn't care if I was ok..ran in a called old daddyo to come and get her. I called him later and said aren't you going to do anything about this as her father and you know what he said? "I didn't see it happen!" Now why wouldn't she think that she could get away with murder? But within a few hours she was calling to come back home and "Stamp Me Stupid" I let her. I'm as dumb as he is!!!!!!!!!! We could go back and beat ourselves up over and over, but how about lets not. Let's all try to have a better life for ourselves and if we need to vent..write to all of us. Keep us posted on how it goes. We do need a life and we do need to set boundaries. I came across this site, I thought by accident..but you guys have been more there for me than anyone I know. I always do believe that things happen for a reason and I have many stories to prove it. Take care and please stay in touch. If you need to talk or advice write to us ...even if its a short note cuz I can tell that the others as well as myself are there for you!

April 1, 2007
8:37 pm
Avatar
Red High Heels
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bonni,
Hi I wanted to thank you for writing. You have some really great advise too! I've tried to start this weekend with saying no to Sat. nite and I will stay with it. It is too much for me to do overnites by myself and in my condition. I feel sad because I want to be able to do it, but being ill and single makes it almost impossible. One thing I don't think that I ever told you guys...that makes it harder...on the boyfriends side... his parents are not fit to watch the babies. They too are divorced and he has had a stroke and she is on a bunch of medication and can't handle anything. She left her own 3 children when they were very little to join the traveling circus!!!! Does that tell you anything? So when I say I am all those babies have, I mean it. My x is living with a girl 10 yrs younger than him, and she has 4 boys...3 live with them...she adopted a distant relatives child whos parents are both in prison and adopted another boy from foster care and is trying to adopt 2 more girls and their brother who have all been sexually molested. My x is not married to her after 3 yrs??/Shes so great..how come he hasn't made that commitment and I wonder how she is adopting all these kids( or why)? Money=money=money!!!!!!!!!!!!!My grandbabies don't really need to be around all of that but I did ask my daughter why she never asks them to babysit on sat. evenings. She said she would worry too much!!!!!!!!!Frankly I don't know why they need a sitter. They don't have any money to go anywhere!!!!! The only reason I have been doing it is to give them a break from the kids, so that the kids don't have to deal with stressed out parents. Trouble is ..it makes me stressed. I know everything you say is true and I am really going to try to change things...change myself and see how things go. Keep connected when you have time and thanks again for all of the advice!!!!

April 2, 2007
2:15 am
Avatar
dustpuff
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

RHH~ I would love it if we started working at the same place. That would be wonderful. I have a few threads on here that I write on. Sometimes I write on others but I am faithful to 2, now 3. I don't have really any friends. I count the anonymous people that I talk to more my friends then anyone.

Like today, I was having cramps. I am bloated and very cranky. I just wanted to tell someone who would understand this and really couldn't think of anyone. AHHH...I have PMS.

kapngo~you can start now. Start setting those boundaries. be prepared for some hurt and rejection. But, it will leave you with the energy to fill you up instead of filling everyone else up.

bonni~thanks so much for listening.

I have to go. I need to get to sleep. I have to get the kids up for school and take my car to Midas. There is something seriously wrong with it.

I picked up my kids from their dad's tonight. I said what did he say about your grades. They said nothing really. I said did you get punished. They said no...you already took everything. My son played video games all week-end and my daughter went shopping with her step-mom and to a baby shower. A baby shower for a 17 year old girl who is on her 2nd baby. That is someone I really want my daughter to look up too.

I don't want to really say what I think about my kid's dad and his wife. It might come off as predjudice. My kid's dad doesn't even have a high school education. Their step-mom's family has people in prison, having babies, drugging. My kid's dad is a drug addict and was very abusive to me. So, RHH, I understand about abuse. My 2nd husband was also a drug addict and was abusive also. I sure know how to pick them.

I was an honor student. I grew up in a great neighborhood with all these people who have their lives together. I don't talk to any of them because I am embarassed about how my life turned out. How in the world did I get messed up with these losers? Probably because I have NO self-esteem and because I was sexually molested as a child. But that is another conversation.

So, anyway, I lay down the law on my kids and their dad and step-mom say...OH WELL! They didn't have anything else to take? How about those video games he was playing. How bout the TV and DVD player in my daughter's room. How about making her stay home and not taking her shopping? So, I am the bad guy. Well, I will just have to stick strong and not let my insecurities get in the way.

The thing is I kind of feel sorry for my daughter too. I think that is sometimes why I spoil her a little to much. Her step-mom spends tons of money on her step-sister. Always bringing her home new clothes, games etc. When she was shopping with S (step-mom) she was showing her somethings that she liked S was like "Oh yeah, but what do you think step-sister would like?" So I feel real bad for her and want her to have nice things but I think that I have to teach her that you have to earn them.

The other thing is (let's call my X and his wife S&M LOL if you saw them you would barf) so S&M let the step-daughter go to movies with boys as long as my daughter is around. This little girl is only 12. The girl and her boyfriends usually go sit by themselves and Ba sits a couple seats down. then SS(step-sister) tells my daughter to go to the bathroom and stuff. Then french kisses these boys. I am like....WHAT? You are not to go to the movies with boys unless their is a BIG group of you and you are tooooo young to be kissing yet.

This is the type of stuff my daughter is exposed to over there. don't get me wrong. The first man I went out with after my divorce was a little handsy and my kids saw it. I did not like him touching me all the time and wish I had been more forceful. (There go those boundary issues again) But I have never let a man stay the night with me. I quit seeing that guy after the incident with the kids. My house is pretty much for my kids to have their friends and hang out. I just do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry....

RHH, I am glad that you stuck to it. I am sad that the poopy monster struck. I know that you are the only stable thing those kids have. I really think that your daughter is behaving like you X. Walking all over you. She is going to have to learn for herself. She needs to fall on her face. I know you don't want to see your grandchildren grow up that way. I look at what I have shown my children and want to kill myself. I am so full of guilt. I don't want my children to EVER go through what I went through. I don't want them ever to touch drugs.

April 2, 2007
6:44 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

RHH,
Hang in there. I'm glad to hear your daughter is being selective about where she leaves her kids. Stay strong on the no Saturday nights. You need your rest so you can enjoy your grandkids when you have them.

remember to take it slow.

best,
bonni

April 3, 2007
4:23 pm
Avatar
dustpuff
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi guys.

I was watching a show with my kids last night. It was the stupidest show that I have ever seen but it sucked you in like Jerry Springer can do. Anyway, there was this thug on there that my kids kept saying that they liked. I was like what have I taught my children that they would like a thug like that and actually be rooting for him. I just don't know.

Things with daughter have been pretty good. I hope that it stays that way.

Hope everyone is doing well. I miss hearing from you all.

April 5, 2007
8:48 am
Avatar
cammie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am having that problem with my son and he is 24. The doctors put him on Ritalin when he was 4 and he was on all types of mind-altering drugs at the age of 16. So he just stopped cold turkey. He blames me for everything in his life that has gone wrong. I see this pattern of self-destruction and it really scares me. Stealing money from me to who knows what. I know he is acting out but I don't know how to help me. Sometimes you just can't be their friend and that is hard. You try to give them what you think they need and hope for the best and sometimes that doesn't work so I guess you have to let them find there own way. Do you agree?

April 7, 2007
10:12 pm
Avatar
Red High Heels
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dustpuff,

Sorry it's been so long since I've written. All last week when I got off work 7:30pm I was really tired so I pretty much came home, ate and went to bed. Your kids dad sounds alot like my daughters dad. Does nothing about everything!!! I describe him as a big fat LOG!!!!It's like talking to no one!I do feel sorry for your daughter when it comes to stepmommy and her daughter. I have seen many situations just like that and it is very difficult. There is really nothing you can do to change Stepmommy but I wouldn't go overboard and spoil her to compensate. It will only make you miserable and broke and she will become really spoiled and life is chalk full of dissapointments. I always wanted to make everything all A-ok for my daughter too, and look where it got me. I think kids that learn how to handle dissapointment and lifes lessons do better in life.I'm trying to do it the right way with my grandbabies. At least from my point. As far as what the stepsister is allowed to do...you know you are a great mom and are raising your kids the right way..so just keep doing a great job.Drugs can be a big worry for you and your kids... but hopefully they will see how stupid their dad had been and where its all gotten him. I hope you have a wonderful Easter and I'll try to write again soon.

bonni~ I am trying to hang in there. It's hard not to go back to my wimpy ways..but I'm trying to stay on the same path!! Hope you have a great Easter too.

cammie~ I do agree that you have to let them find out for themselves and I have not been that way with my daughter at all. I have sugar coated her whole life! Everyway my mom was..I tried to be different.Worked against me!Does your son still live with you? I also think that you can't be their friend. You have to be a parent. I flunked that part too. Is the dad in the picture?Write more info..I would love to hear from you. Have a wonderful Easter!

April 9, 2007
7:25 pm
Avatar
dustpuff
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. I was sick as a dog. Woke up at 2 am puking and pooping. YUCK. I felt so bad, I wanted to have a great Easter. I had planned to take them to church. My sister came and picked them up to go to my families for our Easter but I stayed home. I was afraid if I was contagious one of my elderly grandparents would get it and they are getting older and can't bounce back like they used to.

Then I went to work today and hurt my back pretty bad. They didn't take me off duty but I can't lift anything greater than 20 pounds. RHH, I have been so tired myself. I can't seem to get enough rest. I think a lot of mine is depression and some medical. I really need to see my doctor. I have had these same medical problems in the past and I was feeling pretty good until they came up again.

My daughter is trying to talk me into letting her have her cell phone back. I don't think so. She came home the other night and did a few small things around the house and then thought she should get it back. It led to 3 hours of arguing and begging. I had worked 12 hours that day and had to work 12 hours the next day. I was not happy. She threw things, locked herself in the bathroom with a knife threatening to kill herself. I don't know what I am going to do with her. I have an appointment with a pshychiatrist for her this Friday. I don't know that she really needs to be on meds but she needs something. Her dad says...she is just a teenager. Whatever!

Her step-mom bought her a pair of see through thongs. I was like who's are these and where did you get them. I was livid. I mean she is 13. Maybe I am old fashioned but thongs are really worn for only one purpose...to be sexy and to get some, if you know what I mean. I told her absolutely NO thongs until she is AT LEAST 16. My goodness, what is this step-mom thinking?

I felt really bad about Easter. I bought my kids some stuff but I didn't get up and play Easter bunny because I was so sick. I did spend time with my kids this week-end shopping and watching movies. I did sleep quite a bit though.

As far as my kid's dad goes. I don't even try to talk to him. He used to abuse me and so now he still can raise his voice at me and I freak out. I think it is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He plays all kind of mind games trying to control me and my life through the kids. He is always telling the kids he is going to take me to court and get custody. My son had to start riding his bike to school on the days I work. The lady he used to ride with got a job. Well, my X told my son he was going to take me to court to get custody because he has to ride his bike to school. And because my daughter has to ride the bus. My kids have to get themselves ready and off to school 2 days a week. He thinks that it is terrible. He thinks that is to much responsibilty. His idea is to buy them thongs, video games and let them do whatever they want. I don't think a little responsibility is wrong. I wish I could be here every morning. I would love to be here everyday for them. I have to work to make money to feed, clothe them and give them a little something here and there. I get about $425 a month in child support but I pay $350 in health and dental insurance. I pay for all their school lunches, pictures, extras.

RHH~ I hope you get to feeling better. Have you been to the doctor lately? What do they have to say? Have you been doing good at setting boundaries?

well, I hope I didn't bore you to bad. I always look forward to hearing from you. Like I said I really appreciate someone to talk to.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110924
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38537
Posts: 714209
Newest Members:
delight1080, laticia1, Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer