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Daughter behaving badly
March 27, 2007
11:29 pm
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Red High Heels
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I have a 19 year old daughter who has basically treated me bad, most of her life. I never got consistant help from her dad with disapline and at the age of 16 we separated and its been bad ever since. She uses me for everything and never considers that I am much older and tired. She has 2 babies 15months and 3months who I love more than anything in the world and that is what holds me to her. If not for them, I would completly distance myself from her. Still no mental support from her Dad..is very weird and you can't talk to him. He had his mid life crisis and just wanted us all out of the picture including the dogs.

March 27, 2007
11:35 pm
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ggfred4
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RHH...These are just my thoughts...I have 3 girls near this age...Kids will take their anger and issues out on the people closest to them...why?...because they can!!! They can't do that with friends, because their friends will dump them. A parent is not going to dump them so they know it is safe to release their frustrations and issues on the one or ones that will love them unconditionally.

Again, I may be wrong...just my thoughts...

Take care Red High Heels.......gg

March 27, 2007
11:35 pm
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RHH...These are just my thoughts...I have 3 girls near this age...Kids will take their anger and issues out on the people closest to them...why?...because they can!!! They can't do that with friends, because their friends will dump them. A parent is not going to dump them so they know it is safe to release their frustrations and issues on the one or ones that will love them unconditionally.

Again, I may be wrong...just my thoughts...

Take care Red High Heels.......gg

March 27, 2007
11:45 pm
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Red~ my daughter is not that old. She is 13. Life has been such a complete and total roller coaster with her. She is rude and disrespectful. I can't even tell you. She called me an idiot this morning. She is completely off the wall. One minute she is ok the next a raving lunatic. About two weeks ago she was hitting, kicking, scratching and biting me. All this because she lost her cell phone and no one would help her find it. I finally told her she didn't need the darn thing and it was on! She is flunking English, D in math and God only knows what else. I am at my wits end. Like you her Dad is absolutely no help. Yeah he blows real hard at her for awhile and then gives her anything that she wants. She says she wants to go live with him. I have been tempted but know that she needs the heavy hand! So I feel your pain. I pray to God she doesn't get pregnant.

I think it is time that you made her stand up for herself. I don't know how much support you give her. Does she live with you? Do you babysit? Does she go out? I mean how much freedom do you allow her. Do you keep the babies for her all the time? What kind of life to you have?

She obviously need a good dose of reality. Did her Dad show this kind of disrespect for you?

I am asking a lot of questions I know and I don't really know if I have any answers but I have an ear and I can give suggestions with what little experience I have. Can't hurt though. You have to have someone to talk to! Here I am!

dust

March 27, 2007
11:49 pm
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Red High Heels
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ggfred4
I know exactly what you are saying, but when your daughter is all you have left for family and you feel like she doesn't even love you..it hurts. I've done way too much for her all of her life and with no support(emotionally/disipline) still to this day...its hard. Besides all that I was diagnosed with leukemia almost 2 yrs ago and I don't know how long I have to make this work?

March 27, 2007
11:56 pm
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dust, this may come from me because I am a teacher, but anyone flunking anything does not deserve a cell phone or any luxuries. Students that flunk my class chose to do so. I know it is so hard to be the bad guy. That was my role to as a mother, their dad wanted to be the good guy. I have 4 children. This is what worked for me as a teacher and a mother: I believe you get what you expect. I can be tough about grades, respect, doing chores, etc, but I also let them know I love and care for them too. I rewarded the good and took away where it hurt (weekend sleepovers, t.v., cell phones,computer time, etc.)when they didn't do what was expected. Was this hard? YES...

Now they are in college and I have released them, but keeping my eye on them.

I hope I didn't sound preachy,,,really wanted to help only.

March 27, 2007
11:59 pm
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RHH, now the leukemia changes things a bit here...Like dust, I wonder how much you help her. With the leukemia, you have got to put yourself FIRST...You are going to have to do what is best for your physical and mental health. If it means detaching from your daughter do so...Will this be hard because of the grandchildren?...YES...

Please keep in touch and update me...I care.....gg

March 28, 2007
12:03 am
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Red High Heels
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dustpuff
I feel bad for you because it may only get worse unless you do get the heavy hand. It's hard, but being their friend is not the answer. She lives in my apt. behind me with the babies and the dad. They pay NO RENT,only paid utilities at first and they run really high with ele. baseboard heat and now they put the air cond. in the window for heavens sake...I thought maybe I'd get a break!Yes I babysit alot and she doesn't care if I get my rest or if it makes me ill.Basically I have no life other than work. Too tired for a relationship...tried 2 different ones and I can' do a man,2 grandbabies, a full-time job, keeping up a house and being sick all at once.She was fighting really bad with him tonite and when I involved myself...she said something stupid like it it none of my business! I worry for the babies while they are fighting because they both have such tempers and you hear stories of kids being killed in the crossfire. That would be the end for me. That would be it. I told her that as long as they are living on my property..they are my business. I told her unless she can treat me with kindness don't come around. You know..I can't think of one thing that she has done to help me in my 2 moves after the divorce or anything else for that matter. She even drags their laundry over her, puts my detergent in and starts 1 load then leaves. If I want my washer for me or don't want to have to use my water for a rewash of molded clothes, then I end up finishing the job. Shes not too stupid, but I am!Thanks for your advice..I know there are others out there like her but it's hard when your'e in it alone.

March 28, 2007
12:16 am
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dustpuff,
I forgot to say that yes, her Dad treated me the same way. Verbally abusive. I might add that my daughter was adopted at birth, so the question of hereditary verses the way raised comes into question.And like ggfred4 said someone has to be the bad guy. It is very hard to not give them what they want and that is why I am where I am. I want you to know that I care too and know where you are coming from and you both will be in my prayers tonight. It is good to have new friends that care. Pretty funny..you guys care more than my own friends. ex husband or my brother who lives just one hour from me and never calls to see how I am with the leukemia, do I need a place to go for holidays, or someone just to talk to. That's why I say that she is all I have because I don't really even consider that I have a brother. My parents both passed away in 1999. Take care for now.. I'm heading for bed to get my rest and thanks for caring!!!!!!!!!!!

March 28, 2007
12:21 am
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ggfred4,
You are more than right on that note. I've been told by my doctors, oncologists and friends that rest and taking care of #1 is first and foremost. It is really hard though when the little 15 month girl pats my back with her tiny little hand saying mamaw and I know that I'm probably the most sane person in her life. I worry what will happen to them when my time is up? They are the innocent victims to 2 young adults that didn't have enought sense to use birth control or didn't care to! How did my life get to this?Anyway, I'm heading to bed...I thank you for your concern and letter and you and dustpuff will be in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for caring!!

March 28, 2007
12:21 am
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ggfred4,
You are more than right on that note. I've been told by my doctors, oncologists and friends that rest and taking care of #1 is first and foremost. It is really hard though when the little 15 month girl pats my back with her tiny little hand saying mamaw and I know that I'm probably the most sane person in her life. I worry what will happen to them when my time is up? They are the innocent victims to 2 young adults that didn't have enought sense to use birth control or didn't care to! How did my life get to this?Anyway, I'm heading to bed...I thank you for your concern and letter and you and dustpuff will be in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks for caring!!

March 28, 2007
7:15 am
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sad sack
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Hi Red High Heels,

My aunt once told me (before I had my child) that if children came out of the womb as teenagers, then no one would ever have another. NOw I am the mom of an 18 year old and I know exactly what she meant. For me, the first 15 years were great. We got along great and were very close. We truly enjoyed each other's company. When people complained about their 13 year olds, I couldn't relate. But then puberty hit, and he became a completely different person. He became rude, disrespectful and totally obnoxious. He also got a serious girlfriend and just basically put me on the back burner. His dad was absolutely no help. He wanted to be his friend. I was always the bad guy. His godmother also contributed to the spoilage of my son. SHe would give him whatever he wanted. I always thought that being a single parent was the hardest, but now I KNOW that having two parents on completely different pages is the worst situation you can be in. My son also resents me because he blames me for the breakup between his dad and me. I was the one who initiated it but it was because I was treated very poorly by his dad. My son did not see that. He just sees his dad as this wonderful cool guy who gives him anything he wants. Years ago, I would have been heartbroken to even hear my son talk about going off to college. NOw I am counting the days. I love my son but I know it best that there is distance between us. He is a superb student so I am thankful for that, but his attitude stinks.

In your case, you absolutely have to put yourself first. Your health has to be a priority. You need to detach yourself from your daughter who appears to be making one poor choice after another. I know it is hard because you love your grandchildren. But you cannot let your daughter use her children to manipulate you. Seek some professional help to work out a way you can have a healthy relationship with your grandkids and still remain detached from your daughter. I will keep you in my thoughts.

I guarantee you will get many responses to your post. Raising a child is ohhhhh soooooooo difficult.

March 28, 2007
10:21 am
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Yes, raising children is a chore. It hurts so much. My daughter, son and I were actually laughing so hard last night at each other. It was nice. It is so hard to not want to be their friend. I want to be able to help them through the tough times. Being a teen-ager is rough, I remember. It is just I did well in school.

gg~ I think you are right she chooses to flunk and get D's. I have met and talked with many of her teachers and they all say it is her homework that is really bringing her down. She doesn't do it and when I ask her if she has any homework she says...NO. She has also missed quite a bit of school. She really has some emotional problems. Her real dad was physically and emotionally abusive to me. She was very little when I left. I was pregnant with my son. A couple of years after my son was born, I stupidly married another abusive drug addict. She really loved him. I left him almost 2 years ago but the emotional damage he did was bad. That is why I asked if your X was disrespectful to us. I think we teach people how to treat us. I showed my children that it was ok to walk all over me by staying with my X. I am now taking control and saying "HEY! What I says matters and you will respect me."

I think you need to sit your daughter down and say this is how it is going to be. I know it will be lonely with out her and you don't have a lot of friends. That is the hardest part. You need to set some boundaries. With the laundry, when you need the washer and she has left some clothes in it, put them wet in a basket and let them sit there until she does them. Let all her dirty laundry sit there until she does it. I know you love those grandchildren and don't want anything to happen to them but if you don't take care of yourself then you won't be here much longer. You need all the strength that you have to fight and stay well!

As far as babysitting, make a list of days and tell her that you will only be able to help these days. If need be if she tries to come over and leave the kids tell her you were just getting ready to go somewhere. Jump in your car, go sit at Starbucks, the library, go to the mall and people watch. This is a way to get away from the chaos and have a little time to breathe! Shoot take a drive to the country and just look at the scenery with your favorite radio station blaring, windows down, wind rushing through your hair. It is exilarating.

I know it will be hard. I had to separate myself from the one I loved because he was so toxic to me. I know you can't cut yourself from her life but you can set the lines. That is what I am doing. I know mine are a little bit younger but it is never to late to start setting boundaries. The buck like hell at first but stay on and stand up for yourself.

March 28, 2007
8:57 pm
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dustpuff,

I was reading and laughing at the same time about your response.The sitting at Starbucks struck me funny for some reason and you know a good friend at work today said exactly the same thing as you...She said don't be so available and if she brings them have a reason to leave.I know that is what I have to do to stop her abuse but the problem is then I'm thinking I could be with the little ones having fun???? I need to get a life ...I know before this one ends.Last night, between her and her dad, I wanted to beat my head against the wall... any wall!They really need to move out of my apt. and today I decided even though I love my little house(it's in a quaint little town-small town) that eventually I should sell, and take the money and get an apt. and enjoy going places. Right now with 3 dogs that I am raising-ha ha due to know one else wanting them in the divorce and its not their fault, I must stay in my house. I think you are so right on the money on taking control and I'm at the point that I'm pretty much sick of it. There have been other problems also with her with school truancy (almost didn't grad.) and some little deals while she was under 18 like petty theft of earrings when she had money in her purse and the latest....last Feb. she got into a road rage deal and threw a hand full of change at the car going 55mph and had to go to court and has to pay $1084.oo for damages by August. I've already decided that if she can't come up with the money she will have to pay the price. I'm not giving it to her and she is an able bodied person who can work. If it was me.. I would be out there waitressing or something anything to get that money saved up.I told her last night to stay away from me until she could be kind to me. Haven't heard from her all day. No surprise there!!!!!!!

March 28, 2007
9:09 pm
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sad sack,
Thanks for writing and I know exactly what you mean. My daughter and I were very close and if you saw one, you saw the other up until about 15. At 16 when her dad and I separated she turned into the teenager who was a cheerleader, went to church 3 times a week to the teenager from Hell! It was drama every day and still is. I truely believe that everyone has cancer in them but that stress can aggrivate it and I was under tremendous stress with her, my x, by recovering alcholic/cocaine addict boyfriend that I hooked up with and fell in love with. He was off the drugs when I dated him. I had known his x and his kids for yrs. Nice family, beautiful home etc. and because of drugs he lost everything. That's another story in itself! I think I am codependent and that's my problem.He moved to Fla. and it took almost 2 yrs to finally forget him.Anyway my daughter's dad and I were on different pages also. He is so weird and I know he did me a big favor! I too dreaded the senior year and empty nest, but I changed my feelings on that really quick. You shouldn't feel bad about feeling that way. No one needs all the stess and drama. Life is short and we need to wake up and enjoy it. I sure wish we could all get together and talk. It helps to know others are in your shoes and even though you know what is right and what to do..it helps to have someone renforce it! Hang in there and continue to be the great parent that you are!

March 28, 2007
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sad sack
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Yes, it would be nice if we could all get together and share stories and provide comfort for one another. I often feel like such a failure as a mom. Thanks, though, for your encouraging words. I could relate so much to the feelings that you are experiencing. I, too, feel so unappreciated. It is as if my son forgot all I did for him the first 15 years of his life. I was the one who took him places and played with him, and helped him with his work etc. He shows no appreciation whatsoever. It hurts to see what an ingrate he is. So anyway, you could see that you are not alone in what you have been feeling with your daughter. I wish I could offer you some profound words of wisdom. I guess I just wanted to share with you my parenting experience so that you see you have plenty of company. In your case, you really need to focus on your mental and physical health. Like you said "Life is short and we need to wake up and enjoy it."

March 29, 2007
1:51 am
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dustpuff
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WELL........
tonight was horrible. My daughter and son kept me up until 1230 last night...it is 1230 now so almost 24 hours ago. I tried to be nice, which is part of my problem. I eventually got them to bed. What that means is that we all three go to sleep in the same bed. My kids neither one has tried to sleep by themselves since I left the last sack of dung. Which I have understood and tried to be understanding. It is getting to be to much though.

My daughter is a real special person in the morning....yeah right. My son is not to bad. I feel bad because two days a week I have to leave them by themselves to get ready for school. My daughter is suppose to get herself to the bus stop which has been a real problem. She has missed the bus like, I don't know, so many times. Then I have to try like heck to find her a ride. I don't have anybody. Everyone I know works. I don't have any help really. When I am off to take her to school she takes her own sweet time. I tell her like 50 times it is time to leave. She is either not dressed, doesn't have her hair done...any number of excuses. She is late about EVERY day.

My son rides with the people down the street but he has to get himself dressed and down there. Part of me says...they need to learn responsibility and there are many, many kids that get themselves off to school in the morning. the other part of me is GUILTY!!!! I get to take him 3 days a week which is great but I feel bad the other 2.

ANYWAY, I think I told you I am starting to lay down the law. Well, when my daughter got home from school she wanted to take a nap. I said NO WAY!!!! You have taken naps the last 3 days and you couldn't get up for school because you couldn't get up because you didn't go to sleep til midnight. You have to stay up so you can go to sleep early. WELL, she kept trying to go to sleep and fighting with me. Whining and crying..."I'm tired..." I said, "not my fault you can go to sleep early tonight but you need to stay awake now" ON and ON this went til finally I made her sit up. I set her up like I would one of my patients. She kicked me. So, my first reaction was to slap her. I did, right on the cheek. Then she went to punching and swinging and kicking. I feel so bad. I hate myself.

The thing is earlier my son was screaming and yelling at me and throwing a fit and I slapped him. I have told him time and time again that he will not yell and scream at me. The other night he was mad at me and threw his favorite pillow at me. I told him thank-you. I will sleep with your pillow tonight. Then it was whine and cry. I said you can have your pillow if you apologize for throwing it at me. For 45 minutes he yelled and screamed how he couldn't sleep without his pillow. fought with me. but never would apologize. He finally did but it was such a battle to get him to do so.

Maybe my children would be better off without me. I talked to my mom and she said that when I would get mouthy she would pop me in the mouth. I don't remember EVER screaming and yelling at my mom the way my kids do me. I guess the truth of the matter is I have taught my children how to treat me. I have let my kid's dad and my X husband show the kids how to treat me. I have let them yell and scream at me. Beat me down and belittle me. Guilt me and manipulate me. the kids do all this to me.

I feel so guilty though. I have been spoiling my kids rotten. to the point where we are broke for 2 weeks. Once I get my check I take them to Wal-mart...anywhere and pretty much get them anything they want. Well, not anything but enough to put me in the hole to where I have $40 to last for 10 days. paycheck before last I spent $160 dollars on both of them to get their hair done. This check I spent $150 on junk...video games, clothes, make-up, etc.

so, I told them tonight, they have to earn their money just like I do. I spent the whole day cleaning up. Well, not the whole day but I picked up all their junk. I do their laundry, take out the trash, pick up after them. Their rooms are trashed. So, I said, if your rooms aren't clean and you haven't helped me around the house...no money. I also set a limit of $20 a piece for 2 weeks...IF thier chores were done. We will see how it goes.

I am an awful mother. I can't believe I struck my kids. I am going to put us all into counseling together.

March 29, 2007
4:15 am
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Sorry to butt in, not a mother of teens...my blessings to all who are, they are the hardest working people on the planet.

However, dustpuff, I just wanted to ask, have you had your daughter checked out for ODD or ADHD/ODD???

You probably know already but ODD is oppositional defiant disorder. I have a niece who has recently been diagnosed, when I read your thread I actually thought for a minute you might have been my sister-in-law!!!

For a couple of years now they have had terrible trouble, been through courts etc. the child has no fear or respect for anyone, not even the law...she has been put into care etc. I think my sis-in-law is at breaking point, but hopefully with this diagnosis things will improve. I suggested adolescent bi-polar disorder or ADHD perhaps, but they had her talk to psychologists and psychotherapists lots of times and they couldn't figure it out.

We have also just found out that when my niece was 10 she played a prank with some friends which may or may not have led to the death of an old lady in the neighbourhood, nobody knew about this prank, but we think my niece has been carrying this guilt around with her and that could also have been part of the problem.

March 30, 2007
12:31 pm
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dustpuff
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I know my daughter has a lot of problems. I think she might be bi-polar. Don't know but I have an appt for her next week.

March 30, 2007
9:09 pm
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dustpuff,
Sorry I missed last night. I lost a good friend suddenly. He went in for a heart cath and something happened and he died! There is something weird to the story so I will have to wait to find out? Anyway just felt like coming home and laying down. As I see it ..you are absolutely NOT a bad mother. You are a mother that obviously cares about her children, but you are basically doing it on your own and lets face it...we all feel like slapping our kids once in a while. No we never did that as kids. I never would have treated my parents like she does me.

Sometimes with all the other stresses we just can't take one more thing. I can see alot of your situation in mine. I too would take my money and buy whatever she wanted and I would go into credit card debt just to avoid confrontation or how she would act to NO! She has learned how to manipulate me very well. The other night after work, I came home to her sitting in the car in MY driveway yelling at the babies dad because she had seen him down the street talking to an old girlfriend!! Oh my gosh...give me a break! Maybe it's because I'm older, more mature but that is definitly not something to scream and yell about while your kids are sitting in the car, sweating, crying and yelling for memaw! She started yelling at me saying it was none of my business blah blah blah and I said as long as they were living on my property it is my business. She kept trying to fight with the dad and argue with me and I said I'm not going to do it and started in the house. She continued on...I told her that if something happened to me that she should not think for one minute that she was ever kind to me. And until she could be, stay away from me. She yelled back oh yeah like you were a perfect parent. I did everything for this child and if she wasn't happy, I made sure she was...BIG MISTAKE!!!!! I said oh what part of your life was bad..no answer. Anyway that was Wed. nite ..no phone call Thurs...but guess what tonite she calls saying sorry and after a while asks if I'm busy tomorrow nite!!! SURPRISE!!!! I told her yes, even thought I'm not. I watched both kids last Sat. and it just about did me in and I told her that and that I would not be doing it again and in one week she asks again. I'm sticking to it this time. Maybe we can all help each other. When we get the cold shoulder, or mean words or hitting or whatever...we can stick to our guns and then talk to each other about it. I think that helps somewhat? You are alot like me..spending money to make up for time not there or the divorce or just for trying to be their friend. I don't know your age, but don't waste your life like I did, letting it all control you. You are a great mom and person(I'm sure) and you deserve more. Structure their bedtime and where to sleep. How old is your son? It's harder for you because you have 2 but lets all try to help each other and get through this and start our lives new!How about starting April 1???? and the joke will be on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care and don't beat yourself up.OK???

March 30, 2007
9:25 pm
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sadsack,
I know that you are trying to share your experience and I really appreciate your honesty. I think deep down my daughter blames me for our divorce too, but since he was the one having the affair, she needs to grow up and see that I was willing to do anything to keep the three of us together. Boy am I glad hes gone now. What a loser!!!!!!!!!I sometimes think that our kids have to go through a certain time of their lives to realize where we were coming from. I have found that to be true with my own mother. She passed away in 99 and I used to question why she did certain things and as my life goes on I see more clearly and sometimes I end up doing the same things! Too bad it took me till now to figure it all out. I've decided to try to get on with my life today,, well Wednesday actually after the big fight ha ha and get things organized around my house, do some painting, get some excercise, lose 10 lbs. and then maybe look for a relationship. Its been hard to have one because my life is in such a tizzy and I don;t like my bod and on and on, but I'm getting kinda lonely and really would like a relationship with an adult(man) besides children. I love my grandchildren more than anything but all I ever do is go to work and sit in this house. Heck, I even love to go fishing. I went last summer with this guy I was seeing and you should see the mess of fish I caught!!!He cleaned them and I cooked them. He is a great Christian guy, but the connection is not there sexually. We dated quite a while before anything even happened and I am older and times a wastin!!! ha ha It's hard to find a guy without a bunch of baggage! Like I don't have any!!!What am I saying???? Oh I don't know he was even great about my daughter, my dogs, my leukemia...everything but I don't much care to be intimate with him. I had enough of that feeling when I was married. Hope you have a great weekend. Do something for yourself. I plan on it... we all should!

March 30, 2007
9:29 pm
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revelation,
Thanks for joining in. Sounds like we can use all the advise we can get! I never heard of that, but who knows maybe that is what my daughter has. I definitly think she has bi-polar symptoms and the think-only-of-myself-syndrome! I'm pretty sick of it, if you can't tell. If it wasn't for my grandbabies, I would tell her to hit the road jack! and don't look back! Not a nice thing to say to your daughter, but when someone treats you like crap most of their life ...how else can you feel?

March 30, 2007
9:56 pm
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sad sack
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Hi Red High Heels,

I was so happy to hear that you told your daughter that you were busy. HOw convenient of her to apologize just before the weekend. Good for you for putting yourself first! ANd I do hope you find that one special relationship. I know it is so hard to find someone special but maybe initially, just seek out males just for friendship. I always felt the best relationships begin as friendships.

Oh, remember I was telling you that I was looking forward to my son going off to college? Well, yesterday the college acceptance letters came in and he got accepted to a university right in our own city. I had such mixed emotions. I was happy that he got accepted into such a prestigous school (ivy league), but at the same time I was hoping that he would be attending school somewhere a bit further away. I feel kind of guilty for feeling this way, but he has been driving me crazy for the last two years. We are still waiting to hear from some other schools, but it seems like he really wants to go to this particular college.

I am sorry that you had a big blow up with your daughter. But it sounded as if you handled yourself very well. I see you as a strong woman who is just now tapping on that strength. You seem to let guilt rule your world. Stop that!!!! You are a great mother. Like you said, stick to your guns with your daughter. DOn't allow her to manipulate you any longer. You have a right to be happy and enjoy your life. Let your daughter make her own mistakes now and learn from them. It is now your turn. I hope you have a great weekend. Keep us posted on how you took some time to enjoy yourself.

Sad Sack

March 31, 2007
12:31 am
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dustpuff
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Red High Heels...
way to go. Now go out and do something tomorrow night! Don't cave! I think sometimes we teach people how to treat us. Like I said go to the coffee house, library. Do you live in a big city with a museum.

My kids both got their grade cards today. OH BOY! The both bombed. I think partly they are wanting me to set boundaries. I think my daughter was testing the boundaries today. She said what can I do to shorten it by two weeks. I said nothing. I mentiones something about grounding her last time and she said "that lasted 3 days" She was showing my what a push over I am with them. I think she is challenging me to show her that I care and will set the limit. A month really isn't all that long. Then she pulled the ploy, my dad is mad because I can't have my I-Pod. I said "SO" he can take that up with me. I am sick of him thinking that he can say that crap and it will work.

I think I have a little PTSD. I do get all worried and don't want to upset him. He is such a loser and mentally abuses me still to this day. I won't have it anymore. Someone suggested I get a mediator and I think I am going to do just that. If he starts giving me a bunch of crap I am going to say "I don't want to hear it, you can tell the mediator." I also am going to find a way to make him pay for it!

Sadsack~ I know you were looking forward to him leaving but hey he got into an Ivy league school. I will be lucky if I can get mine in a trade school if things keep going the way they are. Maybe you should suggest that he live on campus and let dear old dad or god mother pay for it. They are so willing to do all this stuff for him. I wonder if he could get into a fraternity and live in the house. Just suggestions. Worth looking into!

I would be very honored to keep this little thread going with you two for support. I could sure use it.

Red High Heels~ as for your friend. I know how you feel. I have a friend who is very nice, very Christian and has actually got me back into going to church. The kids are going to, I see it as one positive. I like you am just not physically attracted to him or emotionally in the way I think he wants me to be. I don't know that I will ever be ready to get physically intimate ever again. He actually states he doesn't want anything physical before marriage but talks about marriage sometimes. YIKES! I really don't see that kind of future at all. I love him for who he is, adore his kids. He is very understanding and going through some of the same things with his kids. The acting out, etc. The kids all get along but my kids know that we are just friends even though they sometimes talk different.

With my situation with the kids, I don't have time for a man. I need to put all my time and effort into saving my children. Time a man would take from them.

My idea right now is to raise my kids and get them into good schools. Then I will go and do travel nursing. See the country. When you travel they pay you great money, set you up in a furnished apartment paid and I think you pretty much make your own hours. I will save lots and lots of money and take time off and do missionary work.

OK....then I will meet a gorgeous hunk of a man while doing missions work. I will be on my guard, put up walls and fences. He will break them down, win my heart, and make fabulous love to me. LOL

SO, red, you are going out tomorrow night. I better get on here tomorrow and read that you drank a caramel macchioto at starbucks. found a beautiful painting that you can sit and ponder in front of for hours and went to bed rested and repeat wonderful things in your head. If you pray, pray to God!

Take care all, I can't wait to hear from you!

March 31, 2007
6:06 am
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Kapngo
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Wow! is all I can say some really good suggestions everyone.
I really needed to read this tonight.
I have daughters that are grown that treat me awful. I also survived a divorce and abuse. I went thru years of therapy with the kids and without.

I have heard it all..they treat us this way because they trust us and love us.
I also blamed myself took on all the shame and guilt. I did all the stuff with love and understanding that was suggested and this is 15yrs later and they still continue to hurt me.

Right now I have given so much of myself and resources I am about to lose my home, And everything else. I have very few friends because my time has been taken up with every crisis with both of them.
Babysitting when I can barely function myself. For fear I won't get to see my grandkids as that has been held over my head.
I do not have a day go by that there is not something to do for one of them.
Or a phone call that goes on for hrs about their life and other problems.
I never am ask how I am doing?
If I so much say anything about me.
I am cut off it is always about them.

I love them believe me! It is just that when do I get a life.

Reading your letters made me think.
Wow, what would I have done different.
Everything and it would have started with respect as a teenager.
Plus I would have stood up for myself with strong boundaries.
I also would have thought more of myself.
It is very hard to set those boundaries today. I know when I do I will lose the relationships I have with them.
I did it with a son. I now speak to a couple times a year. I felt very sad about that.

Their is no perfect parent nor child.
But somewhere there has to be a guide for healthy boundaries!
I know that I over did to make up for a dead-beat dad addict. Who now is still using and their Idol. Go figure.

I don't drink, use drugs, live alone.
I feel sometimes like they blame me!
They feel so bad for their father.
Who never paid child support decided to not see them till they were grown and still is on drugs.
I have no control over what they do and I don't want control. However,
just once I would like to hear nice things to me. Or feel like they cared a little about me it hurts it really does.
Trying to rebuild and losing everything trying to help them.
God, will I ever get healthy enough to say no! and mean it.

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