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Dating- the first phone call
February 21, 2006
2:20 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Guys: I've been in contact w/ a guy from a dating site and tonight will be the first time we will speak on the phone.

So far I am very impressed with the way he is conducting himself. He tells me when he'll be gone, when he'll contact me again. He's very open about what he is doing, etc. He was gone for the weekend and said he'd contact me last night, which he did. So far I am feeling very secure in that he is interested in me and not playing games.

So here's my question: IF it comes up in the conversation tonight, how would you answer a question about recent dating experience. I haven't been on a date for over a year. I have been avoiding men due to the past traumatic experience w/ the N from hell, and now, even though tentative, I am willing to try to have a relationship w/ someone.

This guy seems like a stand up guy, and has a lot going for him. There is a lot he ISN'T- like an alcohloic, unemployed, scruffy looking, womanizer, sex addict, etc- you get my drift.

Any suggestions? I really want to try to have a normal relationship.

thanks, SD

February 21, 2006
2:30 pm
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revelation
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HI SD....I understand, you want this to start on a good footing...so you don't want to lie. But if you tell the truth about your last relationship...it might set off some alarm bells with him. So, I'd say
"I haven't dated in a while because I haven't met anybody I wanted to date for a while" Its simple its true and its a kind of compliment! It also gives the impression that you are not the kind of desperado that will date just about anyone, you have standards....how is that?

I wouldn't start talking about past relationships just yet...its too early, and you are over it now, so its not important, right?

February 21, 2006
2:43 pm
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sdesigns
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Thanks, Rev.

I guess I am a little sensitive that I was stupid enough to be susceptible to such a creep and made such a bad mistake.

You are right that I don't want to send up any red flags. It would make him seem like a healthy person if he went screaming off into the night if I told him about it. I certainly don't want him to know about that yet.

I'm afraid of making a mistake but I want to be honest.

February 21, 2006
2:45 pm
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taj64
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Be careful. It is so early on. I tried internet dating. Im done with it. I went out with a person who I thought was most normal I could get. 5 months later, though he was a very nice person, no real addictions i could find, steady, yet he was so very boring and I could not get past several things about him. People are always on their best behavior intially. But you can still pick up clues or red flags if you will. I think not talking about any previous relatinships in the beginning is good advice. It is a time to get to know each other and only each other. My grandmother always says not to put all your eggs in one basket, this applies to dating especially.

February 21, 2006
2:48 pm
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sdesigns
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Thanks, Taj.

I have no idea if the subject will even come up, but just want to be prepared.

That's really my sore spot now. I wish I could pretend like it didn't happen.

I feel very prepared to look for the red flags in someone else. Just don't want to send up any of my own.

February 21, 2006
3:05 pm
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kathygy
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sdesigns,

I think you need to feel comfortable with your own history about your reasons for not dating for over a year. Why is this a sore spot for you?

I doubt that he will ask about your recent dating exeperiences if he is interested in getting to know you.

It doesn't sound like an appropriate question on a first phone call. I've done a lot of online dating and never has a man asked me this question.

The question they do seem to like to ask is about my experience with the dating site and meeting people through it.

I always give a very honest answer to this question.

About 'if' he does ask you about your recent dating experience you can be honest and say you needed to take a year off just to be with yourself and now you are ready to start exploring dating someone.

Most men I've met seem to think it sounds healthy to take some time off. It shows you are O.K. with being alone and not a desparate, lonely person.

Continue to look for red flags. I've had some men with a good start just to find out later they are not as available as I thought or not as healthy as I thought. I've had men show a lot of interest in teh begining and then taper off. These men I drop just as soon as they start tapering off.

February 22, 2006
12:58 am
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sdesigns
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Thanks Kathygy:

I was worried as my ex had grilled me on our first date and it was uncomfortable. It's a sore spot because I am embarrassed that I got involved with someone like him and let him take me for a wild ride. BUT...I learned a pile of lessons and hopefully that will NEVER happen again.

I am happy to report the first phone call went OK. He didn't ask anything too personal and wants to get together later in the week for coffee.

He seems like he may be a bit boring- but thats a good thing! Not a bad boy! Anyhow, I liked his voice- thats something that really attracts me to someone- he's articulate, accomplished, focused and takes time for fun. Seemed relaxed and laughed a lot.

We shall see....

February 22, 2006
10:02 am
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penny lane
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Dear sdesigns...Internet dating..what an interesting phenominum...a few of my girl friends who have used this connection to meet men have approached it with a fun-loving experiemental approach. I commend them...they have set out to meet as many men as possilble in a short period of time...lets say a month..and to "speed date' if you will...the purpose behind this is to set specifice wants and needs and go looking for it. During this process they are able to "exercise their dating muscles" sort of speak, ie, meeting people in an uncomfortable situation, having some control in the meeting place and terms, using their conversational tools to weed out undesireable personality types.
I also have come out of a relationship with an N bf...I love the concept but am still unable to put the program into full swing..perhaps baby steps intially..as a co-dependent I want to avoid putting all my "eggs" into one basket...so I can see where this approach has merit. Maybe you are able to employ this process...be careful not to get hung-up on the first man who appears "normal"..have some fun now...this is your time to explore.

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