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Dating, sexual orientation, and strange reactions
September 7, 2005
10:18 pm
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gingerleigh
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I went out on a casual date last week with a guy, and it went well, although I knew right off the bat that he was not relationship potential, just friend potential. All kinds of red flags! But, a nice time anyway. I talked with him on the phone last night, and we ended up in a huge disagreement on the phone because it turns out he is bisexual, but refuses to "label" himself that way. It really bugged me. And it bugs me that it bugged me. I'm going to try to sort through this. Maybe someone has an idea.

Homosexuality is completely different in my mind from bisexuality, because to me being homosexual is just like being heterosexual... you like what you are biologically driven towards and that's that. But I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of dating someone who dates both men and women. There were other weird incompatibilities with this guy so this really was just the icing on the cake, but I'm still baffled by my own reaction to it, and that the deal breaker wasn't that he didn't have a steady income, or that he kept weird hours, or was just too abstract in personality for me, but that it was because he sleeps with both men and women.

I think maybe deep down I'm thinking that he's probably gay, and I'm just an interesting experiment for him, and in my current emotional state of neediness, I cannot tolerate being someone else's "experiment". You know what that tells me? It's me, not him. I am so not ready to date. If I were ready to date, I would have seen all the other incompatibilities first and called it off right then and there.

But I am really wondering what beliefs I am holding that I need to challenge... why would I have such a strong negative reaction to dating someone who is bisexual?

September 7, 2005
11:52 pm
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Gingerleigh-

Hi. My past experiences with men like that left me feeling much the same way, I think. For me, part of the reason I felt bothered by it was that if the guy was bisexual I guess I felt like I could never fill even HALF of his needs/desires. I mean, sometimes I feel I don't measure up to other WOMEN, but I will never be like a man, so...? This doesn't mean that the individual would end up being unfaithful any less than any "straight" guy- but it seems that way to me. Maybe that's my ignorance. But it makes me uncomfortable.

At least this guy was honest with you about his sexuality. I've been in situations where I find out later on and that keeps me wondering too. What do I do to attract these men? And why don't I see it? They weren't effeminate. Is it just NYC or what?

Is it cause some of my bfs tended to be addicts who began using in early adolescence and never firmly established their identities? Or does the lowering of inhibitions due to substances make people more aware of the fluidity of sexuality and more likely to experiment. I don't know. I've done some major drinking and drugs and that wasn't my experience, but everyone is different.

Your reaction is okay because you are just trying to protect yourself from being hurt or misled it seems. It doesn't sound like you are repulsed or even narrow minded. Just trying to establish what you are comfortable with, and maybe you are not comfortable with that particular trait in a partner. Believe me, it's not one that is likely to change either. It's not an addiction. It's sexuality. So you are perfectly validated in examining your willingness to date someone who is bisexual. Sounds like he wanted to give you the option to make an "informed decision", though don't expect him to slap any labels on himself if that's not his philosophy. Maybe he understands you needed to know though, because he did tell you he sleeps with men.

This is a hard one when you actually come across a bisexual guy you have fallen for. Especially if they aren't dealing with it well themselves. You do question your role in their lives.

I'm sure you will get a lot of responses on this one.

-ella

September 8, 2005
12:03 am
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lost and found
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i have a friend that is honestly bisexual. she is married, has two kids. she just loves sex and all the experientation. i think her and her husband do the spouse swapping and sharing and all that. i am surprised we are friends because i am totally not into that. i have heard her compare the diff between men and women. like there are some things one does better than the other for her. i also have a gay friend that occasionally has sex with a woman. he's attracted and enjoys it he says, but ultimately he is more attracted to men.

September 8, 2005
12:08 am
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22haha
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Ginger - it sounds like you did see all the incompatabilities right off the bat because you knew on the date he was olny friend material. It wasn't until later on the phone that you got into an argument about his sexuality. I agree with you that being with a bisexual would be next to impoosible. You would only fulfill half their needs and who needs that?? I think you are doing grat. Don't let this bother you. You saw all the red flags from the first date - THAT is huge.

September 8, 2005
12:17 am
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lost and found
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does any of all the sexual diff. blow your mind. like, i was raised in church and believed in the one woman, one man thing. all the other shocks the crap out of me. really.
wife swapping, prostitution...the whole thing ....i was taught one way and thought that is how the world is, (NOT).

September 8, 2005
3:54 am
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gypsygirl
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It's funny that this topic came up. I have been strugling with a similar issue, except from the other side.

can a bisexual person really ever be faithful in a relationship? I don't know. It depends on how you define cheating. Does having fantasies constitute cheating?

I have been "bisexual" pretty much for ever. I live a straight lifestyle, and I regret not exploring the otherside more than I did before settling down. I have this primal urge to be with women. (If I wasn't so damned afraid of judgement, I think I would have been all the way gay.)I have to supress this urge everyday.

I guess what I am trying to say is to stay away from this guy unless your willing to share him, if not physicaly than mentaly.

September 8, 2005
7:41 am
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shyshy
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I really don't see how anyone could date someone who is bisexual. Most men cheat as it is, so imagine someone who is bi? You would have to be really secure to not always be wondering what he's up to cause even if he's out with the guys you would wonder if he's attracted to one of them or maybe even having an affair right under your nose with a so called friend that he brings to the house!!

I couldn't do it!!

September 8, 2005
7:58 am
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Anonymous
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I dated a guy who was gay, but in the closet, he was trying to convince himself he wasn't gay because of all the judgement - in the end, he had to follow his heart and when he found a safe environment, he went completely gay.

but for the longest time, years even, we talked about us being together, cuz on some level, he did love me and we did have sexual relations, it just wasn't fufilling for me - nor for him - he needed more - we even talked about the idea of "sharing" in that I couldn't fill his need for men, so I thought it would be okay for him to be with other men - cuz it's something I couldn't "compete" with - if that makes any sense...but we also talked about me getting some on the side if he couldn't meet all my needs either.

in any case - it ended cuz I had my daughter (by someone else) and he didn't want a child in his life to mess up his college and career goals - so that ended that - if I didn't have my daughter, I might have ended up in this abnormal arrangement - but I got smart and realized that it's not normal and if you are seeking intimacy outside the marriage or partnership, then you don't have a complete partnership and that's what I want, not half of one.

I think there ARE people out there that can be bisexual - want different things from different types of men and women - I feel bad because those people will never be satisfied unless they find another partner willing to "share" - and that's not usually available.

September 8, 2005
8:41 am
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shyshy
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I was married to a gay man for 15 years. The whole while I wonderd how he could possibly want to be with me if he likes men? I always felt like something was missing.

We're divorced now and it wasn't till after we separated that I realized he was fully capable of loving me but not capable of falling "in love" with me. That's what was missing!

They say that most gay men are just lacking male intimacy that they didn't get when they were kids and it plays out in adulthood. Maybe someone who is by is just someone who didn't lack it as much as someone who would be completely gay? Just an assumption.

September 8, 2005
10:54 am
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gingerleigh
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Thank you for the feedback. I think I will go with my first instinct, and just let this one go. Will save us both some pain down the road I think. I want someone to be totally INTO ME, I've already had my fill of relationships where I fall far short of first on his list. So. Back to my hole of hermiticity... er, I mean back to the office!

September 8, 2005
11:06 am
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taj64
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I do have one little things to say. Your friends are important to you as much as a relationship is. What you look for in traits in a relationship should also be considered in friends. If you are uncomfortable with this person, then reconsider this person as a friend. It takes less time to get over someone if you get out before you get too hot and heavy. This is called being healthy by paying attention to your gut feeling. Two weeks from now, this person probably will disappear from you mind since you are not too involved. Not being comfortable with a person is definate red flag.

September 8, 2005
1:07 pm
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mj
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I really hate labels myself.
Labeling feels like I will never be able to get out of what my title is.

Be it sexual orientation, job title, or marital status or preference in religion.....Labels Suck.

As far as how you feel about him liking both sexes only you know.
I have jealous tendencies which would really be intensified by my own insecurities of feeling like I was competing with everyone. Can you imagine if my hubby liked both sexes. I would never sleep ;)for all the worry of who, what, and why he was up too.

I am learning to focus on what I can change and that is ME. I can change my behavior, my reactions, my responses, my routines, my interests, my job, my thoughts, and that is a big Job!

Good luck with your Life! You get to choose and I am betting that you will learn the lessons that keep presenting themselves.

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