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DATING POOL: warning no diving head first
November 6, 2006
9:38 am
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I jumped back into the dating pool recently after 2 back to back longterm relationships. I have been on dates with about 15 women in the last year and a half. I learned that if you show a lady too much interest she will be less likely to return those feelings than if you show her indifference. The majority girls i showed no interest in would called me wanting to know if we could go out again or if i liked them. Conversely, I would give the women, I thought had potential, a phone call or a thoughtful note or maybe even a small token of my affection. All those women either ran for the hills or decided they didn't want a relationship. I hate to think that if I like a lady I have to pretend not to have much interest in her. That seems so juvenile.

November 6, 2006
9:40 am
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Oops looks like i posted twice

November 6, 2006
9:47 am
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any input on my observation would be appreciated

November 6, 2006
9:48 am
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2alone
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I beg to differ.... at least a little. I enjoy a man who knows he wants to date me. If he calls and asks me out again - and if I'm interested - I'm very pleased and respond favorably. I'll agree that it might make me temporarily want a guy that shows little interest in me - but I'm no fool. I'm not chasing someone who doesn't want me. That would be setting myself up for heartbreak. I think you're finding women who - for whatever reason - either aren't right for you or you right for them. Keep trying. And please don't turn into one of those stupid game playing guys.
2alone (who by the way is NEVER going to date again after being dumped this weekend)

November 6, 2006
9:55 am
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lovinglife
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(((Hopefull))) was just thinking about you... wondering what the scoop was the little lady...I'll be back later, got to run. LL

November 6, 2006
9:57 am
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since i started dating again i refused to play any games. i always try to be truthfull and honest. games ruined past relationships.

November 6, 2006
10:01 am
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lovinglife,(previous thread convo) she called and asked if she could come over to my house sat, and like an idiot i said sure. then she informed me she would be coming with her son after they saw a movie. Then she called to cancell because they got a late start. I promise not to take any more of her calls. same old same old

November 6, 2006
10:27 am
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Matteo
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hopefull32 ~

When you are saying - "that if you show a lady too much interest she will be less likely to return those feelings than if you show her indifference" seems to me like you were playing mind games, unless your attraction to them were the criteria deciding how to proceed.

I am dating for over 2 years on and off and I have to meet yet a man my age who would be suitable -compatible in wide understanding of that word, and emotionally healthy, available and willing to have a relationship. If I don’t return someone's interest is only because I am not interested, not because they are. Most puzzling for me is if they are clearly interested and are looking for the same I am looking for, but don't want to continue. They are sending very mixed signals and it sometimes leads to my phone or e-mail to make sure that they need to deal with their issues before start dating, that it is not a coincidence that they didn’t get back to me.

I always start with myself. If I am not interested, I don’t respond or respond with a “no, thank you” note. If he is interested, most likely he will get back to me. If he let me know that he is interested and then doesn’t respond, I contact him to make sure what happened and that he is playing mind games and he wasn’t sincere. Then I let go.

Perhaps it would be useful for you to examine the signals you are sending instead blaming your dates for playing head games.

November 6, 2006
10:43 am
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Matteo
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P.S. And Yes, too much attention from him, moving too fast- or just talking about it - without my great attraction to him would make me run for the hills as well. Same with his strange ways to proceed.

November 6, 2006
11:05 am
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Matteo, I wasnt playing mind games. i was honest in my interactions with all the women i dated. The women I were not interested in got less attention from me and it just so happened that they responded by showing more interest in me. not something i planned

November 6, 2006
11:45 am
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Matteo
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In that case - letting go of the unavailable should replace your conclusion about the necessity of playing games. People who are not emotionally healthy are playing mind games; even if you would get her attention and have a relationship, you are asking for more trouble than you perhaps want to imagine. If they want you to chase them, do yourself a favour and let them go, they are not ready for a relationship anyway.

On the other hand make sure that if you are not interested, you clearly let them know that you are not interested; somehow I am having a had time believing that they would still want to pursue after you told them that you are not interested. I know that it stops men and I believe it would stop women as well.

November 6, 2006
11:57 am
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lovinglife
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Hopefull- hon, you just may need to support of the No Contact thread to get away from this one! I am so sorry if in anyway I encouraged you in this : ( I just knew that she had an interest in you when you thought she didn't : ) OK-now that the headache is over (well maybe, maybe not)... you are now heading in the right direction...

I do have lots to say...about defense mechanisms and my theory on why that happens about the ones we like-but don’t seem to like us, and the ones we don’t like seem to like us. But I don’t have time right now-but I will return shortly. You keep on asking your questions..we all can learn from each other. I myself have to back out dating again-(someday) only this time I will be of sane mind!!

November 6, 2006
12:03 pm
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taj64
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I think it is all a matter of chemistry and connection. When you are actually looking and dating, you're going to have to be realistic that not everyone you are going to connect wiht and some that you do connect with end up not being quite right. Some people seem to be able to get a partner left and right, no matter how much little is inbetween a relationship but I think it is because then you just takes whoever comes along. I know people that always have someone but when you get pickier and wiser then it gets harder. it all takes time and if you give off desperation then the lady knows and women in general do not like a needy man, same goes for the man. it is all about keep going out until something matches up. 15 women in a year and half if you go with one or two times isn't really that much. SOme people you can tell right away they are not right for you and some you have to give a few more date and then realize that there wasn't something about them that you would continue. There are many thing that you would find attractive in a person and some that are less desirable. The important thing is to get close to what you want but don't expect perfection. Someone you can be comfortable with yet have security with. You just have not met the person that has most of what you are looking for and she too has not found you yet. It goes both ways. You probabably have qualities that someone out there values you for but that your paths have not crossed yet. A lot of men out there these days expect the woman to be really agressive at showing interest, that is my opinion anyway. I prefer the guy to be more aggressive and show interest. It really is tough to date. Patience is definately needed. You sound like you are too frustrated at this point and not natural about it. Maybe that is the reason why it is not happening for you.

November 6, 2006
12:43 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi hopefull32:

The dating game is a hard one but I would like to encourage you to not give up. It takes time to find someone special and since we are dealing with people, there is no right or wrong, no specific rules, can't be predicted. When the right one shows up, you will both know.

Not to say that that is the end of it. When you do find someone it still takes work, but mutally wanting it to work makes it easier.

I started dating at the beginning of this year, and the experience has been fun sometimes, not so much fun sometimes either. Rules don't always apply, guidelines don't always help. Just have to make your way thru it and hope for the best. Keep your wits about you, don't lose yourself in the process.

Sometimes it DOES take diving head first- its always a risk in letting yourself go w/ someone- and sometimes its worth it.

SD

November 6, 2006
1:25 pm
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lovinglife
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Hopefull you know a little bit about my game playing with the men I like... What I have come to learn about myself and why I have done this, is because of yes a few things I need to repair emotionally from previous relationships, but really it’s a defense mechanism, mixed with insecurities. It’s like I start the rejecting process right of the bat-(of them rejecting me) even though I really, really, REALLY like the guy… I do the game thing- one moment he’s thinking I just might be really into him and the next is more like “what the heck?” And the cycle continues until like you just did- threw your hands up in the air and said enough. And like she just did this Saturday even after you told her that you just couldn’t do this anymore… I have done the same thing because I really, really, REALLY liked the guy damn it-couldn’t he read my mind! Two potentially great guys I lost because of my *game playing.*

Now talking about insecurities and mind games: Now with guys I really don't like...I’m just totally me, can freely be myself, could take them or leave them, and often those are the guys who won’t take no for answer and I couldn’t get rid of fast enough. And sadly, thinking about this now...these guys were often the ones I ended up being in relationship with - go figure.

Now I wonder with what is going on with you in your dating dilemma…are you not just being you when you’re around a woman you really like and have an interest in? But different with the ones you could care less if they like you or not? I know that I have been- and I can’t wait to try out my new found confidence and growth with I guy that I really, really like : )

November 6, 2006
3:26 pm
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Matteo
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So...what it comes down to is that if someone is playing ming games, there is no point of chasing them, because whatever their reasons are, even if they are very attracted, their issues will play a negative role in a relationship, and the sooner they let go the better. Thank you for reassurance, lovinglife; I'm sure that the same applies to men - that's why they are all over your ideas about a relationship or all over you in person and then back off right away.

November 6, 2006
3:28 pm
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readyforachange
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hopefull...I've been "single" for 2 years now. About 6 months ago, I finally felt strong enough to try dating again. I dated about 6 different men, and never got past a second date. I would always send a thank you email or phone call after a first date, letting them know that I enjoyed myself. One gentleman simply stated honestly after the first date that there was no chemistry, and that was it. I appreicated that. The other 5 men kept me hanging...no contact for a week or so, even after sometimes setting up a particular day to go out again. I got rather tired of this game, so I am taking a break from the whole dating scene for a while.

I personally would love a little attention, and am wondering where all the men who know how to treat a woman are hiding. I don't want to be the last minute date that gets called if nothing better comes along...so, for now, I'm laying low. Aside from having a guy come on too strong too soon, I don't think women like to be ignored.

IMHO

November 6, 2006
4:16 pm
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lovinglife
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Matteo- that is exactly right...just from what I have done in the past myself I now know without a doubt... "what it comes down to is that if someone is playing mind games, there is no point of chasing them,..." and your right on about the letting go... "the sooner the better..." .

I think about Hopefull's lady,... and who knows I could just be the odd ball in the dating world...but even if she does in fact really, really like Hopefull-(which because of what I've done in the past, I believe that she does) she's got some real issues that will not be fixed just by Hopefull reassuring her of whatever she needs to be reassured of. And I wonder if she will end up with some loser- would love to hear the rest of the story for her.

Hopefull - you definitely need to now protect your heart regarding her - it's really starting to hurt me by what she is doing to you. Once you completely cut her off from you- from experience, even as confident as she may come across, it’s going to hurt her bad . But you’re not out in the dating pool to save some woman but for a healthy relationship.

Now let’s figure out what the heck you are doing with the ones you like that don’t seem to like you : ) but the ones you don’t like are all over you…

{{And say Matteo- I just thought of you too in like the last day or two…The turning point for a previous warped self-image problem of mine came about because of you : ) don’t know if I ever thanked you before…so this is my official Thank You . }}

November 6, 2006
6:04 pm
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Hi Hopefull,

I'm new around here and I do think I'm lost quite often, but when it comes to healthy romantic relationships, I believe honest communication is absolutely the best thing you can offer.

I really want to commend you for your desire to be honest and straight. I believe that the "game" part of dating is really ridiculous. I'll admit I'm cynical. But I would so much rather have anyone I'm talking to for any reason, be it a friendship, business relationship, or romatic relationship, be honest with me about what they think and feel. I'd rather know if I'm liked by someone, if they want to spend more time with me, or if they really don't feel a connection.

If the ladies you are seeing don't appreciate that, I'd say they are probably not ready at this time to develop a more serious relationship. If you are looking for honesty, you need to start with honesty. Many people are going to play games, I personally want nothing to do with those people or their games.

I think you are much better off being truthful than pretending to be someone or something else.

November 6, 2006
7:37 pm
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Great input. I too agree that someone playing games many not be an ideal partner. Games aside, I am trying to understand the psychology behind people being less interested in someone that shows them more attention and vise versa. The ladies i have seen recently have followed that pattern and I don't necessarily think they were playing games. I guess it just maybe part of dating process til i meet "the one" if there is such a person.

November 6, 2006
7:40 pm
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lovinglife
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perhaps the challenge...when something comes too easy it isn't all that fun.

November 6, 2006
8:01 pm
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Hey hope,
I totally agree with you 100%. I have done it and the ones your not interested in and you don't give much interest in communication, they come after you. Being codependent, it was hard to tell them that I didn't feel anything for them. The ones that were hotties, same thing, wouldn't give me the time of day. I did hook up with a couple of them that worked out to be a year relationship each, but on the last one found out that I was codependent. Now that I have had lots of counseling and am a recovering codependent, my therapist said the good things will be coming to you when you least expect it. And now, i have the ultimate hottie with a great head on her shoulders. And you know what, I have known her for 26yrs. We came together last month at our 20yr high school reunion. It was bizzarre, we just fell into each others hands and within 2 hrs we were kissing. Yes it was fast, but when something good comes around, don't blow it off. Good things are meant to happen. I love it. So, be patient and things do happen. Good luck.....

November 6, 2006
9:08 pm
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Hfc -

I agree with you that when you show someone that you're interested, they lose interest. Alas. I remember my last bf, the moment I told him on the phone that I had romantic feelings for him...guess what, he lost interest in me. Too bad!!!

I would say that these people - who lose interest in us are emotionally Immature. A healthy person is able to acknowledge his own feelings to others and appreciates it when the other woman shows him a little interest.

Keep trying and remember people who reject you for your transparency are not the right ones for you. So just keep trying honey.

Blessings, Ras~

November 6, 2006
9:40 pm
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Matteo
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hopefull32 ~

If you are interested in psychology, there is something about it on Darn Dating Thread. Go to the very beginning and read my post from July 4 '06 about abandoholism; perhaps that's your answer (perhaps you may learn something about yourself as well).

November 7, 2006
4:25 pm
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Matteo
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lovinglife ~
I just saw your post – which brought tears to my eyes...I think you did thank me before, anyway I knew that my comments helped you, but a turning point...I wouldn’t expect that my words would be that powerful... I guess we never know how we influence others and the course of their lives...I had a turning point not so long ago in my life, my beloved G. did that not ever having my well being in mind, for being who he is, and I thought about him, and about his perspective and his acceptance of me in opposition to my uncertainties, when I wrote to you...He stretched his hand to me and lifted me up, and I was trying to do the same to you; I’m glad it worked, I am so happy for you, I’m glad I could help and you are most welcome!

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