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Dating life in 30s
June 15, 2008
7:29 pm
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Slient Jaguar
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I have been going out with friends to some clubs on weekends. I made some male friends. I went out on some dates in the past, but all of them did not last well with me.

I am a bit disappointed in myself. I have noticed that most guys came on me for having sex. I turned down on them when they were interested in sex with me.

I am dressed normally, just look like an educated gal. I do not reveal my body to men. I am a hard-working person and easygoing to talk with everyone. Men came to me and said many compliments about me. I was told that I am attractive and have beautiful eyes. I enjoyed hearing some compliments from them. However, when I am on a date with a guy. I told all men on dates that I was not interested in no string sex before going on the date. They thought they could change my mind after the date to pressure me.

Why does this happen to me? I am really tired of feeling like I am a sex buddy to them. I love being in a relationship, so I haven't found the guy who wants to be in a relationship with me. How can I spot a guy who is decent and interested in having a relationship?

June 15, 2008
7:34 pm
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soofoo
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It's not you, it's them. I think your chances are a little better if you avoid meeting men in bars and night clubs (where they go for sex) and try instead at church, social club or activities that you are interested in (like the gym, a class, etc)

But I'd love to hear from the men! What do you say fellas?

June 15, 2008
7:49 pm
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Slient Jaguar
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Soofoo-

That's true. I got this type of comments at my work too. Men at work asked for my phone number and tried to flirt with me on duty.

One of these guys who tried to flirt with me. I thought he was really interested in me. I gave him my e-mail address. He got in touch with me a few days later and asked what I was doing. I thought he was going to ask me out on date. But he asked me if there is anyone I am interested in dating at work. I feem bummed out about what he said to me. I asked him what did he want from me and why he asked for my e-mail address in the first place. He said he thought I was nice and trustworthy gal. He said he could help me to find a date with someone from my work. I feel so depressed after when he said that.

June 15, 2008
7:55 pm
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autumn128
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Slient Jaguar,

Welcome to dating in your 30's.

I am in the same club.

Don't worry, it's not you. You just have to keep dating, and keep your morals high, and You will eventually find the right guy.

Men are interested in sex. But there are men that are interested in sex and a serious relationship, they are just harder to find.

Keep your chin up. Keep going out with your friends, stay busy, and you will meet him.

Autumn

June 15, 2008
9:16 pm
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Tommyboy
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Gotta answer this one. As a male in his 40's(45), I see smooth talking guys out there and women just seem to be attracted to them. The guy in the corner who won't approach you in a bar is the one that isn't looking for just sex. But since he'll never approach you, you'll never get to know that. Guys that cook gourmet meals and rub your feet for you are most likely going to be the ones that cheat on you. The coach potatoes don't have the energy for that. You may try approaching (not aggressively) someone you find attractive instead of letting the sharks pick you out. Just a suggestion.....you sound like you have your priorities straight!

June 15, 2008
10:09 pm
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Slient Jaguar
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Tommyboy- thanks for the advice...

I just found out that the guy who asked for my e-mail at work. He sent me an e-mail and said he was very sorry about being misunderstood with me.

He was saying that he has his friends who are interested in me at work, and they are afraid to ask me out. I told him that I do not need a matchmaker. I told him that his friends (at work) need to be assertive with me.

I admit that I am upset with him because he sent me the mixed signal. He flirted and touched me at work, then he asked for my e-mail. In the end, he tried to be my matchmaker. I did not like that at all.

June 16, 2008
8:42 am
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alicenwonderland
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Hi Silent,

I am also single and well trying, to date in my 30's.

I have been doing a lot of reading and talking to other women who are "successfully" dating in our age bracket. Learning lots, but still feel like I have a long way to go. My problem is actually meeting men. I know it sounds like a total cop out, but I live in a very rural community and as such, the dating pool is VERY shallow-plus, I have the stigma of being 34 and never married. People assume that you have leprocy which is why no one "picked" you. I live almost an hour from the nearest city so just going out for a night on the town is also very difficult-especially lately with the gas prices being what they are.

Anyway, long story short...I have learned that men don't like to be pressured about the idea of a relationship and if you just hop in the sack with them, then you in the same boat. Kinda a catch 22-huh? I wouldn't advertise the no sex thing, but stick to your morals. Show a man that you aren't like the others instead of telling him your not. Go out and have a good time-not for them, but for you. If he's the right man for you, then he will be having a good time too.

June 17, 2008
5:08 pm
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Tommyboy
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I'm trying to get back into the dating scene too. It would be nice if some attractive females would just ring my doorbell, but so far no luck. I hate going to bars. Seems to me alot of the women are party animals. The catch-22 is the type of woman I'm looking for isn't in the bars, more likely at home watching a movie or taking care of her kids(if she had any).What's a man to do?

June 17, 2008
11:02 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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I've been in more than my fair share of bars. I also have more than my fair share of regrets over what a few drinks led to and who I woke up next to. (OK, maybe it *is* my fair share since I went to the bar in the first place, but no matter! *laugh*) I learned my lesson (finally!)

At any rate, the two worst places to meet people (in my opinion) are (1) work and (2) bars/clubs. Bars and clubs because of the mismatch of expectations that you describe. Work because it always makes things weird for someone, whether it works out or doesn't. My experience has been that it's best to keep professional and personal lives separated. That way, those lives can become refuges from the other when it's needed. Home should be a place to escape the office, and work should be a place where you contribute as an individual and a leader rather than part of a couple. It gets messy when you mix the two.

So what's a girl (or guy) left with?

Others have mentioned common interests, church too. That's one great way, and if nothing else, doing things you love makes you happy whether or not you meet someone while doing them. And the happier you are, the more likely it is you will draw someone worthy to you.

All the people I know who are in happy stable relationships met their partners in very different ways. A few grew up together or met in college. Some met through church, or through family introductions or setup by friends. I met my partner via an online dating site, but I was quite particular about what I was looking for and up front about my values. It was a few months before the right person appeared on that site. I'm quirky, and my quirks turn the typical bar guy off, even if on the surface, it doesn't seem like I'm all that odd.

Another couple I'm friends with met each other through gaming. That's not my scene, but they are crazy in love. Actually, scratch that, I have *two* sets of couple friends that met through "the game", whatever that is.

I don't think it's you... you're looking for someone who you can be a partner to, trust, feel supported by. It's OK to be picky about the important stuff.

June 23, 2008
6:40 pm
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Giggles_29
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Yes I too have to agree, the bar is NOT the place to meet someone you eventually hope share a life with. I am not to the point where I even want to look right now. BUT some of my friends are really big into the online dating sites. You just have to be really careful and as onlyboringontheoutside said, it's ok to be picky!!!!

June 23, 2008
6:51 pm
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StronginHim77
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I have met and married TWO (count 'em...2!!!) narcissists from dating sites online. Since then, I have learned to pay attention to red flags (instead of burying them in true "codie" fashion) and to go with an online dating site which specializes in people of my own value/faith system. That helped alot. The secular sites were disastrous for me. Most of the people on them just wanted to get laid. Being straight here.

I agree that work and bars are the WORST places to look. Clubs, hobbies, social activities & interests, sports and church seem to yield much higher quality partners...not to mention relative/friend intros.

Best of luck to you.

- Ma Strong

June 23, 2008
7:40 pm
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WizardofAus
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I am now 60. So depending on your point of view I am either dreadfully out of touch or alternatively I am able to see the big picture. So feel free to take what I suggest as you find it.

In my opinion, in your 20's and 30's you have to work hard not to meet the opposite sex and for many of them you will rate far more than a second glance. This is nature's way of continuing the species.

Yes, there may well be the occasional drought when nobody special appears but that will be offset by other periods when you will need a quick course in crowd control as several very eligible candidates compete for the job of becoming your best friend.

From memory, in our 30's, the biggest threat to our happiness is the dreaded biological clock; a dread fear that old age will defeat me before I can attract a biological mate. When these fears are combined with a bit of a drought, it can lead to a panic-based choice of a mate who really is not right for you.

Trust me at 40 you are still very attractive in the biological sense of the word. So just relax and enjoy being a healthy happy single and as the above posts indicate, one day you will look around and this beutiful human being making eyes at you will be just right for you.

As for being a healthy happy single, just become the person you hope you will meet. Focus on physical and mental health, curiosity about new ideas and experiences and developing a sustainable lifestyle (work, etc).

Good luck.

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