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Dating - Is he moving to slow? Need advice.
June 5, 2007
4:36 pm
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ShortCake
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I have been dating this guy since Jan. of this year. He is my ex from high school (11 years ago). He was fresh out of a relationship when we started dating. At first things were amazing. That new fun high people feel in the beginning. When the waters settled about a month into everything, he got distant and started pulling away. He explained his break up (with a girl of 3 years who broke his heart) was really hard for him.

In February he said, he was not ready to be in a committed relationship with me because it takes him time to make that choice. He said, when he chooses to be in a committed relationship it is a big step and will mean this girl is in his life for a long time. Someone he has daily contact with. He then said, it takes him an average of 6 months of dating to know. He then told me maybe I should take a deep breath and enjoy the dating and make sure he is what I am looking for. Therefore, we are not in a committed relationship. For a few months things really cooled down between us (only a couple of texts a week and no other form of contact).

However, over the last 7 weeks we have gone on 5 dates… Either Friday or Saturday night dates. These dates have been real intimate. He seems to be getting closer to me at times emotionally. The sex is changing, its becoming more sweet (if that makes sense), I have never experienced true intimacy, but when he is with me, it more then sex. Plus, 30% of the time we don’t have sex, he just holds me, kisses me and looks into my eyes. Its way more of a connection then I have felt with anyone. Plus, since we have had these last 5 dates, he calls me pet names in texts and is more forward with his feelings when I am with him. He tells me how happy he is that I am back in his life again.

Okay, here is my problem. During the work week he is distant. He backs off or if a weekend comes and we don’t have plans he keeps his distance. He texts me every couple of days, cute texts… sometimes super sweet with pet names and other times simple “Good Mornings”. I always send a cute text back or sometimes I initiate the texts too. However, its very little like maybe a couple of texts during the week. We barely talk on the phone. We both work full time jobs and on the side he is remodeling his house (this project has to be done before the end of August, so this remodel is taking up a lot of time).

When I am with him, things are amazing. However, when we are not together I feel the distance and I panic. This panic could be my codependency, however, I worry that I am dating someone who is moving so slow and it confuses me not knowing where things are going. Every self help book says to not call, wait for him to call, don’t put pressure on him he will run….ahhhhh.

This weekend we had plans that were not confirmed, so I finally picked up the phone and we talked. It was a rocky talk because he could tell I was confused about our plans. He thought I understood we were going away to Seattle for the weekend, but when I asked him over the last few weeks about Seattle, he never straight up said, yes your going with me, he would avoid the words. So I waited… then I finally said, I know we are not in a committed relationship AND maybe you want to invite someone else… he interrupted me and said, “Hey, its just like you to assume the worst and think I have someone else waiting. You are going with me this weekend.”. I said okay. Then we chatted about a few other things, he told me to call him any time I am confused or want to talk. I said, I don’t like making him feel pressured so I don’t call. Overall when I hung up I felt bad because yes, I put pressure on him by asking…

Plus, I wonder is this normal for relationships to move this slow? I am not in any need to rush down the marriage isle with him, but I like a commitment. Its been about 5 months, I feel so lost since when we are together things are amazing, and during the week I am confused and lost. Any advice would be great.

June 5, 2007
4:54 pm
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ShortCake
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Maybe I should also add, during that time we spent apart when things cooled down, it was because we were both adjusting to the past we had, we ended things badly when we were teenagers. He ran off with a friend of mine and I cut him out of my life. He later tracked me down (3 years later) and I cut him out again. Then this third attempt (11 years later) he made to re-connect he was excited that I accepted. I had not dealt with hidden feelings, and it took me sometime to accept what happened to us was teenage drama. So yes I put pressure on him at first, demanding more and expecting to much too soon. He made it clear he never stopped thinking about me over the years and loved how he felt so comfortable talking to me. He does not communicate well and I talk about everything. I likes that I communicate.

Well since I worry about putting pressure on him and scaring him off… I have backed off on communicating (one of things he admires in me). Maybe I need to step up and just call him more and putting more effort in myself… or maybe not… again, this is me unclear of what to much pressure or effort will do… I only want him to be with me when he is truly ready, until then what do I do… Everything I do seems like pressure….

Just so you know…. I stay busy with my friends and family. I don’t just sit and wait for his call, but of course he is in the back of my mind all the time.

June 5, 2007
5:08 pm
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courage to change
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I understand exactly what you are going through. Ive been dating someone for 3 months, and if you want the truth, emotionally im getting more hooked in.

When we first started dating I felt completely in control of my feelings, and had strong boundaries, etc. Then last week i spent more time with him, my feelings grew, i felt more needy for him,I felt frighten of getting more involved, etc.

This week I am back teaching, and focusing on my own life, courses etc.

Took a while to stop the obsession. Underneath the obsession it was absolute fear about being by myself, insecurity, etc. I wanted to control the course of my relationship with him.

I too have backed off from being too needy, and you know what I feel so much better to be focused on my life. I have chosen to let him set the pace of the relationship in how far we move forward emotionally. Only because I only want to be with him, if its what he truly desires, and time will tell.

I used to be such a control freak in relationships, and it never worked for me. So now im of the opinion, that if he really loves me he will move forward in his own time, without any pressure from me. Im trying to stay focused on my own world, and not buy into my insecurities and obsessions. Very hard, I know!

Today has been a very good day for me emotionally. I feel strong inside, and trust that my relationship will be whatever it is naturally meant to be. All I have to do is look after myself in it.

I dont know whether any of that helps, I hope so. Godbless. xxx

June 5, 2007
5:28 pm
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ShortCake
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CTC - Yes, I am getting more emotionally hooked too. I try and tell myself to take a breath. I don't want to control this relationship. I really focus on the fact I can't control him or the future. I have to remind myself of that (that comes from my 12 step coda readings).

your post has helped, it reminded me to look at my life and yes I am happy with him. Things are moving so slow and I am scared, but I do enjoy his company. I am insecure when it comes to relationships and obessions with them. Your post reminded me of that too.

Thank You!

June 5, 2007
6:51 pm
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taj64
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He is probably seeing someone else or has something goin on. When guy do not ask you out on the weekend then you are not special. Special time is reserved on the weekend if you are a regular M-F, 9-5 person. That is the time when you truly get to a know a person because you spend more time with them. Weeknight dates to me anyway are more of a way to break up the week and ok, stress reliever. When a guy is interested in a girl especially for a relationship he takes the time to know her and you know he is interested. Rebound guys that are getting over someone, usually just need companionship. The looking into the eyes does not always mean special. I learned that lesson. Just because he does it, might be part of just the sex. Why do you want a guy that does not communicate well? If you want to read about guys, read the book, he is just not that into you. He fits into this category. If he was into you, you certainly would know it, there would be no guessing. And also look at the factors here that if it did not work then, did not work later, and still looks like he is not going to be steady here, that is a pattern. He is not going to break it. You deserve exactly what you want a guy you can talk to, communicate well, and inside you know that is he is more than ready. This guy, does not really want a relationship. He just wants someone there, that is available to him, when he needs it. You deserve better.

June 5, 2007
7:16 pm
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Honolulugal
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Hi ShortCake!

Wow, he certainly seems to enjoy the chase, doesn't he. I hope he's not bored now that he's "bagged the prize".

Taj has a good idea. Maybe he IS into you and has some other weirdness going on, but lack of communication, for women, is rarely a good thing.

Do get your hands on the book she mentions. "He's Just Not That Into You". It comes from an episode of Sex and the City and is a marvelous look into the male mind.

Written by Greg Behrendt and co written by a woman (Liz someone), it offers great insight into "menspeak". If nothing else, it's worthwhile to understand what men mean when they do and don't talk about something.

Looks like there are positives here, but flags as well. I'd get the book and then see if there are similarities with your man and his behavior. Most of us see things we related to when we read this book. Even if it's in the past.

Frankly, this guy should be afraid of scaring YOU off, not vice versa. I'm of the opinion that I don't want to push anyone to do anything, least of all my lover/boyfriend. If I think I'm pressuring someone, I'll walk in the opposite direction, into the ocean if necessary! I never want to be where I'm not wanted, so I take it to extremes and back WAY off. My personal hangup. Still, at least they can't feel pressured. You want to call me, then call me. If not? See ya!

Did this help at all?

H-gal

June 5, 2007
7:44 pm
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ShortCake
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Thanks taj64 and Honolulugal,

I have read that book. I refer to it a lot. His lack of communication is just that he does not offer up information. However, if I talk to him he will start to spill... but I have to ask, its never offered up. During the last few dates, he is talking more and opening up about his life and past, which is a start.

I think he is worried at times about scaring me off. He sends me texts that say, I am so glad your in my life. OR Thanks for being so patient with me, during this time. He says just enough to keep me around. I guess its hard because any other guy, I would be gone by now.

H-gal. I have been doing the samething about not wanting to pressure him so I do back off at times. I don't want someone in my life that would rather be somewhere else. Its tough for me to walk away but I do and keeps coming after me, but at SNAIL speed. I am clearly on a rollercoaster. I am just soul searching for ways to communicate with him about "US". We seem to talk about everything else, but we fail to talk and communicate about "US". Maybe I just need to ask? Its just that pressure thing... I hate it when couples feel forced to be together out of pressure. When someone puts pressure on me I freak, so I try and respect that and not do it to others.

Yes, positives and red flags sums up my situation.

Thanks to both of you, it always helps to get others ideas.

June 5, 2007
8:54 pm
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taj64
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I hope you find what you are looking for. It is hard to say but I sort of see some denying. It is not your job to keep the relationship going. It takes two. It is hard not to say but almost looks as if you are giving excuses to the way he is. Your feelings for him are clouding your judgment that is why any other guy and he would be gone. IF it were not some emotional attachment or feelings, all these red flags were be enough but on my part I see even the positive side are just everyday things guys say to anyone that could even be said to a friend. It is just enough for you to possibly make more out than what it truly is. And I always think text messaging is completely juvenial, and men definately hide behind text messaging. It would have so much more meaning if he said them directly to you, in your presence to your face. Anything a guy says on text messaging is simply flirting in my opinion. And intent can sometimes be taken different meaning. Same with email. You just don't get what they truly mean. I'd be careful. And keep your eyes open. Relationship are not about being on a rollercoaster or waiting around to know. I would just be very careful, don't have too many expectations.

June 5, 2007
8:55 pm
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taj64
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I hope you find what you are looking for. It is hard to say but I sort of see some denying. It is not your job to keep the relationship going. It takes two. It is hard not to say but almost looks as if you are giving excuses to the way he is. Your feelings for him are clouding your judgment that is why any other guy and he would be gone. IF it were not some emotional attachment or feelings, all these red flags were be enough but on my part I see even the positive side are just everyday things guys say to anyone that could even be said to a friend. It is just enough for you to possibly make more out than what it truly is. And I always think text messaging is completely juvenial, and men definately hide behind text messaging. It would have so much more meaning if he said them directly to you, in your presence to your face. Anything a guy says on text messaging is simply flirting in my opinion. And intent can sometimes be taken different meaning. Same with email. You just don't get what they truly mean. I'd be careful. And keep your eyes open. Relationship are not about being on a rollercoaster or waiting around to know. I would just be very careful, don't have too many expectations.

June 5, 2007
8:55 pm
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taj64
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Sorry about the double post. It is my computer.

June 5, 2007
11:09 pm
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fantas
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Shortcake, All I hear you saying is what you are doing to try and figure him out so as not to pressure him. It seems that this time around, he has you hooked and he knows it. It's possible that he is not a talker and doesn't offer his thoughts freely but I think the lack of interest is him showing you where he is at. I don't even think it's about you. It's just where he is at relationship wise. I suspect he doesn't like being alone but he doen't want to be in a relationship either. I just know that when a guy wants you he will make time and do whateverit takes to keep you. Tell him what you think, what you want and how you feel, it will be a good gage for how serious he is. Don't leave all the relationship decisions to him. Make up some of your own just like he is doing. All the best:)

June 6, 2007
8:42 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I didn't read all the posts here, but one thing jumped out at me from the get go.

You have had FIVE dates and already have been sexually intimate with him - and it seems like it's been going on from almost the start.

You ask if he is moving too slow, because the number of dates spans 7 weeks.

I didn't read the rest - only addressing this point.

IF you had said that you had five dates in seven weeks and there was no intimacy yet, I would say, yeah, ok, he is moving slow.

But because you have already been to bed with him a few times or more...I would say things moved WAY too fast.

You see - now, you are wondering where the rest of the relationship is, and why it's moving too slow.

It's moving slow, cuz he got what he wanted - the sex.

I agree with others that there may be others he is seeing or he may be committed to someone. He may be able to only get away from them one night a week.

But the fact is - you have been to bed with him this early in the game (not counting calendar days, just number of dates).

This slowness in the rest of the relationship OFTEN happens when you rush the physical relationship.

I just reread the rest.

I now realize you have known him for a while.

But that doesn't change much in my mind because over the years, people change...there is so much to know about him.

Have you ever been to his home?

Do you know for fact that he speaks the truths?

as far as the communication - it takes two.

It's nice that HE likes it when you talk TO him...but it's a two way street and I doubt you want to spend your life doing all the talking and having to ask all the questions just to get info out of him.

Mind you, my BF was very tight lipped when we met...partly because he was insecure and afraid to scare me off with sharing what was on his mind.

But if you have been with this guy for a while...that insecure period should have worn off...mine did.

It's great that he DOES open up when asked, but it would be nice if he shared without asking.

I wonder if your communication shut down is more than just trying not to pursue or pressure...if it's a manipulation tactic - trying to get him to open up by acting differently...changing things up?

Not saying you are a bad person for doing it...it's good to change things up once in a while...just as long as it's for a good reason.

I would say that at this stage, you need to put more effort into asking for what you need...if it's more time together...ask.

Either he is going to run for the hills...or he is going to step up to the plate.

I wonder if you are worried that he will run if you ask?

The only way to know is to ask.

You need to make your own needs clear...and either he is going to meet them or he isn't.

It doesn't make you needy to state what you need.

The right guy will take those needs and make them happen. The wrong guy will either ignore them or run.

I wish you the best.

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