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Dating a father of teenagers. Help!
December 27, 2002
11:56 am
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Anonymous
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Hi everyone,
I met a nice guy (Jay) about 6 months ago who I enjoy being with very much(I ended a 4 year relationship earlier in 2002). This new guy is a newly divorced father of two teenagers-16 &17 that live with him. Their mom met someone on the internet about a year and a half ago. I have tremendous respect for Jay who is very supportive and cautious as far as his kids are concerned. He has chosen not to tell them we are dating and I have never met them..nor does it seem I will in the very near future. He has requested that I not call his house because he doesn't want them to know he is dating. I have been to his house on several occasions but only when they are in school. His ex has recently annouced to all that she is engaged to be married and the kids have met her fiance.

Jay and I have grown closer although we don't get to spend alot of time together given that we live 100 miles apart. He calls me frequently and we are together whenever the opportunity presents itself. he is a very trustworthy man and devoted father who loves his kids very much and I believe he is very scared of hurting them in any way. Again, I respect that very much but it would be nice to be able to call him when I need to or to go to his house during the holidays.

I don't have any kids and I found this holiday season to be incredibily lonely. Due to work and the distance, Jay and I have not been together for the holidays. He has called me when the kids were not home. Can anyone offer any advice to me on if I am expecting too much or if I not being as understanding as I should be? I sometimes feel that I don't "place" as highly as I would like with him. Is there anything wrong with telling the kids that dad has a friend and she may drop by once in a while?

December 27, 2002
12:35 pm
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Hi Britney,

I can understand what you are saying here. I have had a long distance relationship, farther than 100 miles, I also am the single mother of 4 teenagers so I may have something to offer here. How did you meet Jay? Was it also through the internet? Maybe his children have some resentment toward the mom for running off with someone she met on the internet. I have been divorced for 2 years and my teenagers give me resistance whenever I want to date, even though the marriage to their father was not a good one, in fact my kids for the most part were happy when we divorced.

Have you been able to have an open discussion with Jay about why he wants to keep this a secret, and for how long? I think if you have that kind of relationship, you should try to talk to him about it and just tell him how you feel, take it from there.

Good luck to you Britney.

December 27, 2002
1:11 pm
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Is there much of an age difference between you and Jay?

I dated someone once a very long time ago that was 37 and I was 23...and his daughter was 13. She did not adjust very well to our age difference. No matter how much her dad and I felt for each other and tried to work with her, I had to go. I believed this. The kids are really dependent on their parents to choose who comes into their home. I had to respect that this was not working for her. It is nearly 20 years later now...and he and I still send the occasional Christmas card...the 13 year old is now a mom in her 30's...! We could have fought to make it work...but everyone has to be included in the picture...this includes the kids.

I understand that Jay's kids are 16 & 17.... The youngest graduates high school in 2 years! Can you date just as two people without kids until then? That is what I would do. Maybe it is not what you would do. That's OK. I am not necessarily right. It is just what I would do and nothing more. You sound like you just got out of a sort-of long term relationship, yourself...4 years of investment in someone is a long time. You COULD use this time to just enjoy yourself...being alone and being with other friends. Maybe it is just my middle age talking. I recall being sooo consumed by romance...when I was 20-something. In my 40s, I enjoy romance as good as the next 20-something does...AND I absolutely LOVE my own company. I also have a few really close friends that I enjoy being with...without my husband. He has his "world," too. We are just best friends...who are sometimes polar opposites...and who also share a really great sex life together...! ehehe

Just my feedback for what it is worth.... Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

December 27, 2002
1:13 pm
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Hi Britney,
I see warning flags. I respect myself enough to wonder why his actions are being kept secret. The teenagers are very busy with their own lifes at that age. I personally would not feel comfortable being a secret from this man's teenagers.
It is bothering you, right?

December 27, 2002
8:45 pm
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i dont get it why he cant or doesnt wanna tell his kids u guys r dating. if the mom told her kids she is even engaged and they seem to be fine with it right? why cant he too? maybe u should tell him to tell his kids. they r young. they will understand. and besides they will soon choose their path to marriage too or a serious relationship.

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