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Dated a divorced man
January 16, 2006
4:08 am
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lala33
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Have not dated a lot of people and wanted to get others opinion. I met and dated a man who was recently divorced but had been separated about one and a half years. We spent all our time together. Just broke up after more than 2 years together. I am heart broken- I loved him a lot and wanted eventually to marry him. However, he had a lot of residual grief from his marriage that I didn't see at first. He told me he loved me after 18 months but there was always this push/pull- I would cheer him up when he was down, but often times he was not there for me. I overcompensated and tried to do more for him. Didn't realize all mess with dating someone recently divorced. Any thoughts?

January 16, 2006
9:44 am
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marigoround
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kind of, I am dating some one going trought a divorce and is very hard, for me is hard because of as you say the residual damage, and I have talked to him about it he does not seam jaded by the whole thing but pople are different. I am kind of holding back because I know what is like to love some one so much and them walk away because thier reasons are biger then yours. I would say move forward you do not need that kind of person inyour life, unable to give love and aperson who you have to compensate for, that is been my whole life, it's about balance, take a little give alittle, and the over compesating only brings out even more chaos, with my ex I tryed and tryed.. and still, there are some people out there that never recover and they will continue to live in the experince. my cituation is a bit differnt and I choose to hold my heart away from loving him because of the circumstances and the fact that I have not had the choice to really have a life with him and share space and go out... his ex has a private investigator and it is long story you would love it. Here is my e-mail address creambrulleloveyahoo.com e- mail me ill tell you may be it will help you.
Mean time take it at day at the time is all you can do, and do not overwhelm your self for gets you nothing.... hang in there.

January 16, 2006
9:50 am
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Anonymous
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If you want to learn more about the dating pitfalls of dating a person fresh out of a divorce (even if separated for a while) read mars and venus starting over.

basically, the premise is that the first relationship you get into after a divorce is usually the rebound one - not meant to last - just meant to help you get thru the pain - and onto the "real thing" later on.

it sucks - you think the person is ready - and they do too - only to find out they aren't.

there are huge risks - and huge rewards if it works.

I am dating a guy who went thru this - and there has been great pain involved - but I think we made it over the hurdles and onto the good stuff.

January 16, 2006
12:16 pm
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looking forward mom
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Good point alicat. Being divorced myself, I understand all of that. I almost made the biggest mistake of my life 8 months after my divorce. I got engaged. I realized a few months later that it was a rebound relationship and broke it off. Then I waited a while to get involved with anyone and was in a very wonderful 3 year relationship. After that one broke off, it took me a year and a half to get to know myself again. I'm now in a relationship and I know it isn't a rebound relationship. I know what I want and what I don't want because I took the time to get to know ME. We all have some sort of baggage.....whether it be divorce, kids or just a general lack of self confidence. And we all have choices.....mostly to decide what we can and can't live with or without.

January 16, 2006
1:57 pm
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lala33
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Thanks for all the advice. I read the Mars and Venus book after the fact. Sometimes things just seemed so perfect, it was hard to accept it was a rebound relationship. Sometimes he cried a lot, very depressed and sad about old life/job. I was never treated this poorly in a long relationship but somehow I let me walk all over me. I wonder if maybe in a year or two there's a chance for us, or do you think all relationships like this are better left forever.

January 16, 2006
2:16 pm
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Anonymous
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depends on what you saw in him and if it was real or not.

alot of times - after a divorce - a person wants to badly to be loved - they "pretend" to be someone they are not - in order to be loved. typically, this "persona" is someone that evolved out of the ideas of what they should have been during their marriage.

IE - if their ex wife said that he wasn't thoughtful enough - he goes out of his way to be thoughtful, etc.

In the end, what you get two years after a divorce is NOT the same as what you get right after it.

I would let it go completely - and if it's meant to be - it will work out in it's own time.

it's truly hard to know.

January 16, 2006
3:11 pm
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Anonymous
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My thoughts are that he just wanted to suck your energy. I think that he is a selfish person that wants to take and not give. I think there wouldn't be any amount of giving to him that he wouldn't take to get his needs met. And once he gets his needs, energy from you, he will take it and probably has to someone else.

And he will probably come back for some more. You are not his life source!!!

January 16, 2006
5:26 pm
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lala33
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Thanks mimi567- my best friend also says he is selfish. Does anyone think being friends (like talking on the phone every 1-2 weeks) is a good think as far as increasing liklihood of getting back together?

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