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Darling may lose her kids
January 14, 2006
5:33 am
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darling
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When I left my ex, I had nowhere to go but to my father's house. He has always been very abusive to me, both mentally and physically. He and I talked about that, and I made it clear that I would pack up and leave the very instant he derided me in front of my kids. He agreed, and has stopped all overt abuse.

My father's abuse destroyed alot for myself and my brothers. I see now that it was that abusive family dynamic that created my codependency. I want so much to reverse the damage I have done to my kids and to protect them from further harm.

Last week, my drug addicted brother got out of jail and my father allowed him to come and live here. I had the same talk with him that I would not tolerate his violent outbursts. He promised it wouldn't happen and that he would move out asap.

Yesterday afternoon, I took my brother to the store(he has no license). He emerged from the store only with my dad's coke and no beer. He proceeded to beat the 20 oz plastic bottle on the dash and scream profanities, because the store attendant wouldn't sell him beer without an ID.

I asked him why the bottle of coke should be punished because he had no ID. This enraged him and he punched me 3 times in the shoulder. I told him with tears in my eyes that it had hurt and I would't putup with it and he could get out. He said,"I'm not getting out. Drive, b*tch".

So I drove home to appeal to my father to stop him. On the way, he cursed me like a dog. I got home and after he had called me a b*itch, wh*re, c*nt, tr*ck, and said I was a bad mom and should have my kids taken away, I lost my temper and called him a crackhead. He lunged at me and took a swing at my face, but my father was behind him and grabbed his arm.

I went in the house and my brother proceeded to beat the outside of the house with such ferocity that he woke up my sleeping baby. My daughter then got off the bus and he continued his raging. He was continually trying to get into the house to attack me, but my dad wouldn't let him.

I looked outside and asked my brother (not politely) if he could go somewhere for 2 hrs until I could leave. He called me a sl*ut and I said that his girlfriend was a...then my daughter walked out and I froze and said,"nevermind." He broke free from my father and came into my house and called me a d*ck s*cking wh*re IN FRONT of my daughter. Then he said that my husband wouldn't have cheated on me with an 18 year old girl if my p*ssy didn't stink. He then told me that she was prettier than me(he knows the girl and I've never seen her).

By this time my dad was forcing him out of the house and took him to my other brother's house. I sent my kids to their father's for the weekend like usual.

My father has said that he won't make my brother get out as long as he promises to never do it again. My ex has said that he will call the authorities if I allow my kids to live in a house with my brother. I believe it is best for them to live at his house if my brother lives here, but that means my daughter will be attending her 3rd school this year(she's in kindergarten).

I can't raise my kids to endure the same things I did in childhood. Their dad's house is the less bad option. They will learn to lie cheat and steal there and will be spoiled materialistically, but at least they won't have to endure violence.

I on the other hand have nowhere else to go. It seems like I have spent my whole life trying to escape this and I always get sucked back in. I have decided not to have the baby I am pregnant with. I know its murder, but I can't expose another child to this. Sometimes you just have to accept your lot in life, but I don't have to force this lot on and innocent child. I've forced it on 2 children already and I have a chance to spare this one, and I'm taking it.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this out so maybe I could sleep-its 5:30 am here.

PS This is how sick my family is...I told my older brother (who is college educated with an advanced law degree and a wealthy practicing lawyer) what the other brother said in front of my daughter, and he LAUGHED. He excused my other brother by saying that everybody knows he doesn't mean what he says when he explodes.

January 14, 2006
10:41 am
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exoticflower
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Wow. That is an unbelivably enabling comment "oh boys will be boys" or "you know how he is..." sort of comments in response to insane abusive ranting and tyrany. No wonder you're frustrated!!!

I do agree with you and with your ex, and am very impressed to see both parties thinking of the children only and not using the situation to further your own wants. However, I don't believe your ex would be able to actually ACCOMPLISH anything by calling the authorities, so I don't htink you are really trapped in a position where you have to give your ex your children this second 'or you'll be sorry'. What would happen is liklely that someone would be called out to check that the home is safe for the children, then they would have to check the situation in question, what happened, if the children where present for the physical assult (when your brother punched your arm). Beyond that, it isn't a difficult matter really, though I understand a very upsetting one--your children witnessed a family fight, none of theadults are proud of the n\language that was overheard, and are making every effort ot see that it doesn't happen again. Nothing that you could lose your children over took place here, and please do not feel bullied. There was a fight, and you want to leave there and will take steps to. That is all.

Beyond that, you say your brother knows your exs new girlfriend--then he runs in the same circles? People who live in glass houses, you know what they say about them.

That said, you DO need to seriously work on getting yu and your kids gone from there. Your brother knows yhow to push your buttons now, he knows what areas to poke to really make YOU do and say things you will regret, how to trick you into doing all of his work for him. I grew up in the same sort of environment and know for me that the only way was to remove myself from the situation entirely to make sure the opertunity to use my weak points against me couldn't even arise.

You may try a local womans shelter--maybe not your best bet, but they may be able to help you with a day program whree you can go and get work training or something, which also keeps you out of dads home most of the time. They may also be able to help you wiht housing on a budget, section 8, something like that. I've seen literal crack-hjead mothers of 7 in my area keep their children and live in houses without any sorce of income, if they can do it, CERTAINLY you can and should not feel bad about the extra help. Also, you may try even getting a small one bedroom apt. for now, having them share one room while you sleep on a fold out? just a thought.

Regrardless, this is not the sort of thing that allows you to lose physical custody of your children, and also is not the sort of thing that has to require you giving them up. There are other options, I know I often get sucked into thinking that my options are ONLY the ones someone gives me and drive myself crazy trying to decide between them, which I have learned is called a "false dillema" when there are many options unconcidered and you only look at the black ofr white ones that are most obvious and maybe not even practical. I think it is just a matter of keeping your children away from any dealings with you and your brother while working on creating a better situation. Please hang in there and don't give up on yourself becasue someone else tells you you have failed. There are other options and ways to handle this.

January 14, 2006
10:53 am
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jewel2
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I have no experience in these matters at all so please excuse my ignorance but won't Social services help to find you a home? Or some other service? Have you done the homework to find what you are entitled to or is the fear of having to do it forcing your hand and making you return to these abusive situations?

January 14, 2006
11:04 am
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exoticflower
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jewel2 does make a really really good point--I know for me fear can really be a big deciding factor in how much effort I put into things. Trust me, once you get the ball rolling, darling, you are not going to find it too difficult, you won';t be judged by people, there isn't anything to fear. Even in the courts, if you are worried about ex ever taking it to that level, there is a good chance the judge would look FAVORABLY at you having done all of the goverment offered stuff, it shows that you are not afraid of taking whatever steps need be to see that your children are in the clear of any problems!

January 14, 2006
1:24 pm
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Anonymous
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how about a battered women't group to help?

your spouse may not be abusing you, but your brother sure did!

And they may be able to help you with placement, since you have nowhere else to go.

Call social services or call infoline (2-1-1) for the nearest women's shelter and call them - they will get you in touch with a women's advocate who may be able to help you get settled somewhere else.

At this point a small one room apartment is better than where you are at now.

January 14, 2006
1:42 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Darlene:

I am so sorry for your pain. Is there anyone else you can live w/? You do have options. You can file for section 8 houseing, where they pay the remainder of your rent based on your income. There are places were women live and share expenses. I truly wish you could exercise some option rather than sending the kids to live w/ their dad.

My son was taught to lie and steal and do drugs by his father. The evil x would take my kids to the mall and hand them $500 for Christmas. If I said they were grounded he'd thros a party. Anything to screw them up. So please, try to keep your kids w/ you.

As for your unborn baby... that is your decision. May I ask tho if you have considered adoption rather than abortion? There are some great couples that would be so good to your baby, and you could probably still be included. Just an option I wanted to share w/ you. Whatever decision you make w/o anyone judging or fussin w/ you about it.

(((((Darlene)))))

Hugs to you and please keep posting. We are all here for you. 🙂

January 14, 2006
3:31 pm
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fun2yap2
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i am sorry about your situation. i wanted to comment on the abortion. my son just helped his girlfriend get one because of their poor choice. it has broken "all of our hearts" ever since. He knew how I felt because all of my kids are adopted and we have been thinking about adopting again. I couldn't believe he would do this or mom would. I can tell you that this is not a solution that will ease your mind. PROMISE. I wanted to share in hope that I might save a baby that I couldn't before. I lost my grandchild and i am forever in pain for that. Adoption is a great option. trust me.

January 14, 2006
3:36 pm
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darling
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Any court would give him custody.There are scores of police reports that confirm the domestic violence here. Not to mention the fact that any judge could talk to my 5yr old and see that she was being abused at my home. And my brother who still lives here has been arrested more than 15 times and hes only 22. I wouldn't fight with him for custody because its better if they don't witness what goes on here.

The bitch he cheated with lives in another state. He didn't leave me for her, but I think he would've if I had found out later. My brother knows her because she is the stepdaughter of my mom's best friend. He lived with my mom and her best friend. My ex had no idea that my mom knew the sl*t. That is how I confirmed the rumors, because I called her family and everyone she knew and they spilled the beans.

I won't get the authorities involved. EVERY cop I've dealt with has treated me like trash. I had one ask me what kind of mother I was to be in a situation where the cops were involved. I won't call social services, because they will pretend to want to help and use any info I give against me-they have before.

There is a 3 to 6 month waiting period for section 8 housing and that is too long to subject my kids to this crap at my house.I have no other place to live AT ALL. I have no income, no skills, no education and no work history. Wal-Mart rejected my application!

I have considered adoption. My ex who is the father, would not sign any papers giving up parental rights. So I would just be giving the baby up to him and ending my own parental rights. I change my mind every hour on whether or not to kill my baby. I know what it is and I don't know if it is better for my baby to be born into this craziness or not to be born at all. If I'd had a choice, I wouldn't have picked to be born into this.

January 14, 2006
5:39 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Darlene:

I want to applaud you as a wonderful mom. As hard as all this is for you; you still are looking out for what is best for your kids. You are totally unselfish in this; you think only what is best for your babies. How hard that must be. I don't know of many mom's that would willingly give up their children for their children's safety. Bless you for that.

But please don't give up yet. If it takes 3-6 months to get section 8 housing then give him temporary guardianship. It's better than just giving up your kids completely. This way you will have the 3-6 months to get your section 8 housing, a descent job, you life straightened up. The courts will work w/ you if you are serious about bettering yourself.

Look into it.... can't hurt.

And as far as the unborn baby goes... take time to pray about it (if you pray). I think fun2yap2 has some valid points.

We are all here for you.

January 14, 2006
6:30 pm
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exoticflower
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darling, I have to say, if you are pregnant and you are in a domestically unsafe place now, you can go to the YWCA immediately and they will help you. It won't be glamourous, but it will be safe.

Further, if you DO decide to give the kids to ex, please please DO NOT sign anything, ever, without legal help. You said your brother was a lawyer: maybe he can help you write up something saying that you are not under any circumstances reliquishing your legal custody to him? Just a thought--make sure to protect yourself and your kids, people do take advantage of a bad situation.

January 14, 2006
9:19 pm
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darling
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Thank you all. My hormones are wreaking havoc on my emotions. I now want to have my baby. Just hours ago I didn't and now I do. I must be nuts. I can't do what I think is so wrong.

I'm not really close with my "lawyer brother", but I know he'd rip the ex apart in court.(Free of charge at that). He's a jerk, but still on my side. I just wasn't thinking about things in the right perspective.

We'll have to see what happens if my other brother comes back to live here. I'll worry about it then.

January 14, 2006
11:08 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Darling:

Is your dad set on you brother living w/ you? If you went and got a Protection Order coz he slapped you around and got one on the kids' behalf then he would not be able to stay there. And he may then go nuts again. Bad bad situation. I worry that he will go off again and hurt you and your baby or cause you a miscarriage. EF has a good idea about going to the TWCA.

My evil x got a Protection Order on my kids' behalf coz they were in his house when the disgruntled girlfriend had her exboyfriend and her drive by and shoot up his house. Thank God my kids were ok. I tried to stop visitation then coz of the shooting and the court told me that he had no control over it so they refused to stop his visitation. So, i'm sure you can get one on their behalf.

Of course you are gonna be a walking bag of hormones. You are pregnant. They say pregnant ladies shoulddn't make any rash decisions coz their hormones are running rampant. Take your time and think things thru. You have a heavy load to carry right now. If you need to talk it out here then do so.

((((((( darling & kids )))))))

January 14, 2006
11:17 pm
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kabooom
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Darling, i just read your post and i got ta hand it to you ... omg. you definetely dont deserve to be treated like that. Specially not in front of your kids.

You see,in my opinion, siblings fight and so on ... me and my sister get into arguments as well but never to that calibre you and your brother had over the bottle of pop... to tell you the truth it kinda rings a bell with my situation with the girl i was involved with ... She had a cousin who had no course in life, smoked pot and did nothing all day - live with her a for about 2-3 months. He too had a past of violence, he was nice to me though. He never got aggressive to me or his cousin... but there were signs that indicated that he was kinda .. well f$ked up.

As for your brother being violent, i find it odd for your father to even think about having him stay, and im sorry to hear that you had to put up with that BS in front of your child but seriously, kids learn from what they see and no honestly believe , from my observatios growing up as well and as far as i can remember , children learn from their surroundings, siblings, environment and most importantly, the people who are there for them . YOU. YOUR FAMILY ...

Now, i had to read the part about you stating ' I have decided not to have the baby I am pregnant with. ' ...

hmmm ...

I know your hormones are going off on all different sets of directions right now and that must be really tough. As your postings also show, you have changed your mind a couple of times . Perhaps this is because of the incident with your brother making you decide ? Please forgive me if i may say the wrong thing or whatever but that must be a really hard thing to decide! It brings back old feelings for me to be honest and although im not really good with advice, i wish i could do something to help ya out.
At this point, perhaps finding a stable job ( walmart is Crap, theres other places dear ! i used to work there in 95 !! you can get so much better .. have you tried craigslist.co m? theyve got tons of postings there ! check it out ) ... I too am now faced with something similar where my home in a few months will be up for sale ... but hang in there, and KEEP LOOKIN. Walmart aint the last place to apply on earth ...

yknow, after all this fiasco im going through, i did learn one thing . NO one deserves to be battered and abused. NO ONE . ill be honest with you, sure i had vouched and wished for an abortion the baby financially and emotionally, annd thats straight from the heart. But wanna know what too truth is , if she was from a rather well raised, proper family with no history of violence, drugs, abuse ... i probably would have reconsidered and kept the baby !!! YOu see, all the things she showed me in the last month with her violent behaviour . Oh hell now am i ever going back .. and OH HELL YEAH THAT WAS SOMETHING I BELIEVE WOULDA HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF FOR THE BABY. To live a life with his/her mom violently going haywire and being abusive ?!?!? being exposed to grandpa wanting to put marijuana in the christmas stocking .. um no thanks..

I dont want to sound offensive to some who may read this but that is honestly how i feel ? because i too dont want to have a kid grow up in a shitty environment , watching mom and dad get into arguments as we both did for the past couple of weeks ... and i understand where you are coming from .. but again thats my opinion - not trying to tell you otherwise of course , just my own personal thoughs

I will pray for you tonight as you had helped me sort things thru with my own set of issues i shared over the past couple of weeks and not really sure what to say to you in regards to your problem but rest assure, we are here for you . Please take things easy, and do not stress yourself out ... may your choice be the best for you in the long run and im sure that whatever route you take, God will guide you along the way ... do your best, and god will do the rest ...

=)

January 14, 2006
11:35 pm
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fun2yap2
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just have to say one more thing to Kabooom....
I so respect your comments and can feel how concerned you are. I read the decision about aborting or keep (possibly placing for adption). I am just saying that there are other choices-abortion has its own set of pain - tons!!

Signing - ask a lawyer or adoption agency to help here but I know when we adopted our first son, the father did not sign. the birth mother knew but he was unwilling. Now that was years ago and could be different. But if the father knew all of the financial burdens with the baby, etc. maybe he would reconsider. I don't know. agencies know best. Keeping is always an option with new housing. Keeping focused and staying on top of your life goals - you will survive this and do what's best for your children.

January 14, 2006
11:42 pm
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kabooom
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fun2yap2 , yeah i totally understand what you mean... and im living proof of that ...

you know its funny, no one really asked me if this had any impact on me , but it did. She always tells me how bad she felt after this, but did funny how no one even asked how i felt ? i too now have a scar that will probably never go away because of this =\ ... it probably hasnt hit me yet , but its there .

January 15, 2006
9:41 pm
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darling
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Thanks guys. I am still really confused. I have to go next week to see if I can get some government assistance. I'm not looking forward to it, because I get anxious in public. But I still have to do it. I'll worry about whatever comes after that later.

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