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dancing and "odd man out"
July 14, 2007
3:42 pm
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,

I realized I'd responded to you directly without noting the original thread. I thought it would be more appropriate to make a new thread.

mpoppins

Bitsy
14-Jul-07

I completely understand. I went to a dance last night. I was the "lone female". They played several songs that really made me miss R. It also brought up some bad feeling I had toward him. I came home at 10pm and went to bed. How is it that you can miss someone so much and they don't even give you a second thought. Today I have stayed busy working on my real estate training program and fixing a dinner to take up to some friends to have dinner with them and get in the hot tub, but they are married and I will be odd man out again. Wouldn't it be great if we could just snap our fingers and be through this already.

marypoppins
14-Jul-07

Dear Bitsy,

You aren't the "odd man out". We don't all have to be in pairs.

I know you miss this guy a lot. When we're not with someone, couples seem to be everywhere. I remember once I was standing in line at a health food store, and there was a couple in front of me, probably both in their 20's, hanging on each other, kissing. I thought, they probably just crawled out of bed after a long morning of sex for some nourishment so they could begin again. I felt so bitter. I wanted to knock their heads together. That was wrong, I know. 🙂

The friend I've recently let go of was a guy with whom I'd had long "sessions" with. But that was years ago, and that was never to be again. I spent a lot of time hanging on to the hope that that might be possible for us again.

He's now with someone else. In a new romance. Feeling all of that excitement that comes with a new romance.

I'm with my husband. We've had separate rooms for a while now, and it has been a couple of YEARS since we had sex. Only now are we even beginning to enjoy talking to each other again.

We have got to enjoy our own company first before we expect someone else to enjoy being with us. Until we're strong and okay without a man, we'll keep attracting the same guys. Who knows what's in R's head right now? It doesn't really change anything.

Enjoy your time tonight with your friends.

Often I ask myself, how do I want my daughter to see me? I want her to grow up and go out in the world and not worry that her mom is not strong. I want to show her a confident happy person. They're watching us all the time, you know?

You're getting there, Bitsy. I'm sorry that R was so abrupt with you. It doesn't sound like little by little you lost parts of what you had together. It was sudden. So you have a big adjustment to make. But I've noticed in just this short time, that you're sounding better.

Why did you go to a dance? Sounds like torture to me since you and R went out dancing often.

Can't you and your daughter go on some girlpower adventure?

Take care!

MPoppins

July 14, 2007
4:50 pm
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My daughter is with her father this weekend. I have been trying to keep myself busy because I just don't want to be alone. My personality is such that I am afraid I will hole up at home and not venture out.
I didn't realize you and I have so much in common.
I was lonely in my marriage. My ex didn't want to do anything with our daughter and me as a family. He played golf all the time. Now golf isn't as important to him and he has taken her to Disney and takes her to friends houses to swim every weekend he has her. He has turned quite social. The last year we were married we slept in separate bedrooms.
I went to the dating site and read R's profile he posted. Everything he wrote that he is looking for in a woman is a direct dig at me. It hurt to read it, but it was a lancing kind of hurt. He texted me and called me Thursday night at 11pm but I was asleep and missed it. I figure if he really wants to talk to me he can call in the daytime when he is stone cold sober and hasn't had so much as an after work beer.
Another friend called me Thursday and told me what an ass he had made of himself on the 4th of July. Today has been hard, because we would have spent it together if we were still together. Thursdays have always been our date nights so that was hard.
I did dance with a young man last night. But he is but a mere pup. He was very kind though. And as you know at most dances it is just the women out there dancing together.
Mary Poppins is one of my favorite movies and this past Christmas R bought the DVD for me after several failed attempts and buying me two copies of Sound of Music. He also knew that I wanted to see the Broadway play and bought me the soundtrack to it as well. It really was one of the most thoughtful things he had done for me. We had talked of going to New York to see the play. We started having problem in February and he even asked me to go to couple therapy with him and I agreed but told him he would have to make the appointment. We were working through things and then this. It hurts. But then people around me tell me things about him and things that he has done and I am maybe starting to see him in a different light. I think I am mourning the might have been now. There were so many many things I did like about him ,but the things that were a problem were big problems.
The other night I was seeing the past through Rose Colored Glasses and made the comment that I should have just stayed married and dealt with it. My ex husbands sister told me to get over that. She said "You couldn't even walk through the room right. He criticized everything you did." We truly had nothing in common but our daughter. I thought I had found that "other" person in R. We did have so much in common. Art, literature, theater, books, wine tastings, he's a builder, I sell real estate, cooking. On Sundays we would do the crossword puzzle together and the sudoku puzzle together. There is so much we did together that it is hard for me to do by myself,even though I used to before I met him. Thanks for listening. I know I sound pathetic and should just put on my big girl panties and get a F******grip! But right now I can't and it is nice to have someone to listen. It is also nice to come her and see that while I am pathetic I am not alone. Some of the stuff that has happened the past few weeks I could never talk about to those who know me personally. Thanks for listing.

Bitsy

July 14, 2007
6:26 pm
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,

You sound much better. I saw a therapist, wasn't the first time, when I was trying to have some kind of relationship with both my husband and my friend, and she told me neither relationship would work as long as the other relationship existed. I'd tell myself that I was trying to get my needs met and it took 2 men because each one gave so little. Stupid, I know. Two half-men don't make a whole. I was scared to let go. Now that my friend is with someone else, I'm only with my husband, which is how it should have been all along. He and I are starting from scratch, but I told him, I'd give us only one more year. We have both changed and we're taking it slowly. I know, however, that it may not work out, and we may split up. But this time, he's trying. If he weren't giving anything, I'd have to end it. When we're all together as a family, it's very nice. But there has to be more.

You found many of the things you wanted in R. You had to learn how to do a lot on your own since your ex-husband, at that time, wouldn't go out. R. was a big part of your life, AND you made plans for the future together. That's a lot to grieve.

You'll soon enjoy those things again on your own. And the stronger you get, the better your chances will be of finding someone healthier.

You DID have the courage to get out of your unhappy marriage. And you DID spend time with someone who met a lot of your needs. That should show you that you have some self love.

We're going to be okay. Your daughter must be proud of you. If you need some time at home to heal, take it. From how you've described yourself, I don't think you'll end up isolating. You seem to be someone who enjoys life. I studied music and theater as an undergraduate, and only recently started singing again. Just in my home, but I found it comforting. Through music, art, theater, literature, good food and wine, dance, travel you are sure to meet others. All of the recovery work, the meetings, and so on are helpful, too, of course.

Take care!
mpoppins

July 15, 2007
3:14 pm
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Well, I finally steeled up my courage and sent R's mother an email stating that it was the middle of the month and the new renter was moving in. If she has had the carpets cleaned, will she please refund the remainder of my security deposit. I really am not holding my breath for her to do this. I really feel like she will use any excuse to keep it. We'll see. Wish me luck. I briefly saw R, it was unavoidable and I didn't want to look like I was trying to get away from him. I asked him if he needed anything Thursday night when he called and he said no. I started walking away and he said Hey! We'll talk later OK? I shrugged my shoulders, said OK and continued walking. Needless to say I haven't heard from him so I am back to repeating over and over that I hate him and that he should go to hell.

Bitsy

July 15, 2007
9:00 pm
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Hello? I could use some feedback on how I handled the situation when I had to be around him. I haven't heard from him, but am not surprised. I am back to telling myself how much I hate him. Whatever works right? I passed him on the road today. Did I mention we pretty much live in a small communtity and I had to sit in a development sales trailor today and as I was leaving he was headed to one of the houses he has under construction. I was on my cell phone at the time and did not realize it until we had passed each other. Obviously didn't jog his memory to call me, but I haven't called him either. I am re-reading the book Don't Call That Man.

Bitsy

July 16, 2007
12:06 am
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,

I think you did well, really well. Being in a small community makes your situation even more difficult. That's great that you haven't called him.

I almost sent an email tonight, but I read Women Who Love Too Much instead.

Then I got a message that one of our students, I teach at a university, died in a motorcycle accident last night. Changed my perspective.

Take care!
mpoppins

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