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Damaged, where are you
October 2, 2001
8:48 pm
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Molly
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What have you been up to, not posting as much, lost the thread we had been on. Just wondered, there has been so much going on, and you weren't all together some of the times, and just have been taking it forgranted that you had rocked on, gotten over it, and were living a great life.
so, what is really going on? yea, I do think about ya.

October 2, 2001
11:24 pm
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damaged
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Wow Molly you just made me feel so good.

I have missed talking to you and I also think of you and the good things you have to say.

What is really going on??? Man that is a good guestion. I have eight months of sobriety now. Yes for the first time in many years I feel I am living a good life. Sometimes or alot of the times I do get afraid that I am going to lose everything I have worked so hard for by taking that first drink. You know what one of my problems is. Is that I can't cry. However when I read what you just posted I felt like I really need to cry. I couldn't really tell you why, maybe because I just finished counseling yesterday. Through out the week I would think about what I might want to talk about in counseling and if I talked about it or not I would always be thinking. Now that I will not be going any more I am afraid I won't think about sh*t that has caused me so much pain in my life. I don't know!!! Well Molly I just want to tell you I have learned alot from you,thanks!!!!

October 2, 2001
11:57 pm
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when i saw this thread, i immediately clicked on it. hey, i've appreciated so many things that you've shared Damaged and it would be very sad not to see your postings anymore.Glad to know you're OK!

October 3, 2001
12:01 am
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suds
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by the way, Damaged please visit my thread once in a while. Title: The man i love---married and an addict. Cuz he's had relapses lately...even if his is not alcohol but it's love, relationships and sex...the path to recovery that you guys are taking is the same.His program is the SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous). hope to see your postings.thanks!

October 3, 2001
12:48 am
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Molly
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Ok, so we want to encourage swollen eyes, runny nose, red cheeks, and possibly something that you may not be able to stop on demand. you are aware that we women have been prone to crying jags, you know, the ones where we sob and sob, then hyperventilate, then just kind of whine , then alllllllll over again, I guess its good for weight loss, but your face whith Ice may take a day or two to return to normal, hehe typed norman.
Are you ready, may want to hit print, ok:
This is best done in front of television that works, if not stereo, with most sad songs, the saddest that you can connect with ok to have on during preparation period

1) get big sack of onions, yellow, or white, but inquire with grocer if he is aware which is strongest.
2) get knife, paring knife, sharp enough to cut small quantities, yet dull enough to not do damage to fingers, which when cut will cause another crying jag, again for a variety of reasons, (think pity pot, can't do anything right, another cut, broke another nail, damn, blood on my blouse)
3) get chopping board, and one bowl, or two bowls and a chopping board.
4) locate table,in close proximity to Television, viewing is premium, but listing is ok, you can jump up and run over easily, and place knife bowl
on table.
5) time of day is signifigant due to programming, Oprah recently is guarenteed, to tear jerk, however most any news cast recently is replaying and going for the tear jerk rating, I am sure you get my drift, unless you have personal videos of th worst day of your life, fat pictures, or your favorite personal tear jerker.
6) get kleenex, large glass of water, pillow, and towel place in close proximity.
7) empty bladder, there is nothing worse than crying and #1 or 2 at the same time, insult to injury.
8)now gather up all those notes that you said you would cry if you could.
9) sit at table, remove all skin from onions first to dangerous to cut with wet ears. Start cutting, reading listening, and feel. With your eyes watering, remember when you cried,look at others pain, and lack of comfort, peel another onion, and look at those children, listen to those words of pain, and hope, with another silce of the onion. Give it a try. If nothing else, call for your bank balance. I am sure with the onion, and the memories, all kidding aside , you will get your cleansing. If its not to late for you go out side, and take a moon bath, such up that great energy, so emotional , I swear I am wired, does it to me every month, gotta learn to love it. So, girlfiend we will speak of the experiment, if you choose to do it, and perhaps why you choose not.
Which hmmmmmmm I would understand, but still give you a hard time. XXOO

October 3, 2001
12:50 am
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Molly
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by the way, knew you could do it, and proud to find that you discovered that for your self. Doesn't feel good when we can take our higher power and go nananana to our lower power, and reap the real benifits as well. don't for get we are all connected, and really do care

October 3, 2001
5:42 pm
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pam g fu
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DAMAGED

YOU HAVE REPLIED ON SOME OF MY THREADS AND YOU HAVE ALOT OF GOOD ADVICE GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU ARE DOING GOOD FOR YOURSELF.

October 4, 2001
12:12 am
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damaged
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suds and pam g fu
Thanks for the nice things you have said.

Molly thanks for the crying advise. I don't know if all that would even work. Remember I am a cutter and cutting myself wouldn't even make me blink an eye. Oh thats not true I did cut myself not to long ago on accident and It has left a bad scare and I did cry at the time. What is a moon bath??? And if you think you are wired no wonder I like ya.

October 4, 2001
1:53 pm
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I just wish I could figure out a way to hold on to that feeling. It just seems to me that just before the full moon, I get all of this energy, creativity, kind of giggley, and damn it feels good. Then its gone. Oh, well at least I know it will come back. A moon bath, well ya know how some people sun bathe? Thoughts are things right, think of all those old songs about the moon, the harvest moon should be around for a few days, just go out side, say around 8-9 take a look at it, try to find the nooks and crannies, see the face of the man on the moon, and think just like the rays of sunshine, your getting moonshine, get it moon shine, hehe.
Lighten up Damaged, you are just so darn cereal , ugh ugh serious sometimes. I thought about you being a cutter when I suggested getting the knife for the onions, and then dolled out the respect that you deserve, you can be trusted to not cut your self, you know that doesn't serve you. I refuse to look at you or any one else with history of some sort of abuse as handicapped. period. I believe in you, I believe in people. I also know how easy it is to get stuck and how hard it is to get unstuck. Like sitting there going common some one some thing, rock my world, make me feel again, make me laugh, let me cry, let my being have the opportunity to shine. Its real hard to get out of that place, and sometimes takes some real creativity. But we all go there once and a while, I guess the hard truth to realize is that we can't all be manic all of the time, damn it. The down time is boring, and yucky. So, we just have to get through it the best we can, and create the possibilities for something different, sucks huh, no one can do it for us, and they haven't invented the right potion yet!!!!
Last night I had the best dream, I swear I was swimming with dolphins, I could feel their skin, they were laughing, and playing in the water with me, I woke up laughing this morning. Wondered if it was my dog or something, but it was a great swim, and a great way to wake up this morning. Hmmmmm wonder if they are hiring at Sea World??????????? Its just gotta be the moon.

October 4, 2001
5:39 pm
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damaged
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I have to say I just loved your dream and yes I did laugh. Actually I laughed alot about this dream. You are so right about the down time being boring. I do not like to get bored. Creativity, I think I am a person that is very creative. I like to do exciting stuff. I know what I find exciting someone else might not.
Well next full moon I am going to go try a moon bath just to say I did it and so I won't jude people that do weird stuff like that.

October 4, 2001
7:51 pm
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Molly
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I think tonight, its still full enough to get some. ya know creative people are real prone to depression. Look at all the great writers, artists, and God knows poets, have you tried your hand at writing? I bet you have a great deal to share, and if its twisted, hehe, poetry is a good place. I found it to be very theraputic, trying to rhyme with cuss words is kewl. There are sites on the web, where you can enter contests, 20 lines or less, yada yada , what the heck give it a try next time you hit the downer cycle. Could crack your self up again! glad you got to laugh.

October 5, 2001
2:02 am
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damaged
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Molly why are creative people prone to depression? I have suffered from depression all of my life I guess.
I think it is very ironic that you ask me if I have tried my hand at writing. I haven't been to school in eleven years. I signed up for an english class this semester. I have found myself loving it. My first essay I got a B+. I tryed not to show any emotion when I got my paper back. I had a smile from ear to ear in my heart. I have been enjoying the writting so much I started a little book for me called, My life as I see it,feel it and live it.
I always cheated in school so I really never learned alot. Hell but do I know the art of cheating.
Now that I am growing up and maturing fast like dog years I have so much to learn. I am like a little kid I learn something new everyday.

October 5, 2001
12:48 pm
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Molly
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Ahhhhhhh perhaps one of those gifted people. The one that everything comes so easy to, yet when faced with a different task, sometimes get frustrated, or bored before completion? going back to school is fun when you haven't been there in a long while, and why hide your pride in your efforts? Sing it from the roof tops, and who cares if they look at you funny.
Sounds like a great title for your book, keep it going.
Depression, creativity, sometimes I think its because we feel, and experience things at such a different level than others, different than sensitive, more like we break it all down and disect it, chew on it, try it on, and no one else can relate to us. It gets lonely. We don't feel heard, and then we channel the energy in negative vs positive ways because , well hell its easier. Right there can sit on our butts and stew on the depth of it all just a little longer. That is why action cures depression, doing things, channeling the energy in a positive way, changes the chemicals in the old knocker, know what I mean. If you do that then you sleep and eat better as well. The writing serves as an outlet, cuz you just got to get rid of some of this crap, as we all know what constipation does, mentally as well as physically. that is why I think these threads are so productive as well, lets you get the stuff out as well as give something of you .
We are still all amatures here trying to figure out the nature of being, the nature of the human body, so many different reactions to actions, the trick is to just not take it all so seriously. Like I have said before sometimes I think God is sitting up there like a football coach on the sidelines, with his beer and pretzles laughing and rolling over sometimes with this free will stuff. Oh, there they go Ben Laden hit the fifty yard line, damn, Molly missed the pass because she is at the computer again, oh oh, there goes Damaged great touch down writing her book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ya know I wrote a book, so many have read it and said its great, I sent it out to a few publishers, and need to get back at it. Said that to my self yesterday, its like why did I stop?
There is a whole world for writers on the net,check it out, they tell you how to do it all, and could be a great way for you to meet people too, they have writers groups in most of the book stores, you can go and just observe until your ready to get your feet wet. don't forget opinions are just like butts, we all have them, and one is just as good as another, I guess. Well some are fatter, but most of them perform, right?

October 5, 2001
9:38 pm
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damaged
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I don't know about gifted. I mean with brains. I was gifted by God for other things such art,sports,I guess thats all. But I am thankful for that.

What is your book about???
Yes writing does serve as a outlet. I started a feelings journal while I was in rehab. It also helpes me to go back and reread what I was feeling about something a week or so ago. I do know I am not as pissed off as I was seven months ago.

I loved the part about God being a football coach. Man I hope he is sitting up there and having a ice cold beer for me. That kind of sounds more fun than the moon bath, but I am still going to try it.

October 8, 2001
5:22 pm
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Molly
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The book is about the methadone clinic I worked at, and the ugh ugh war on drugs.
To each his own, beer is fatening, gives me indigestion, and makes me feel real full, with repeated belching. But it does seem to go with foot ball, go figure, must be programming.

Glad your not as pissed as you were a few months ago, that is the thing about anger, it takes so damn much energy to stay all enraged, time helps to diffuse it, and channel the energy into better used places, not that anger doesn't have its place, women usually need it to make us get off our butts.

October 8, 2001
11:03 pm
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damaged
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Beer was my drug of choice. Beer was my best friend sometimes. I still miss bud light alot. However I know I have to end this love affair also.

Your book really sound interesting. I learned alot in the rehab clinic I was in. Sometimes I wounder were you find the energey to work with messed up people all day then find the time to talk to all of us messed up people.

October 10, 2001
1:09 pm
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Molly
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Actually, I haven't worked at the clinic since, March. I miss it terribly. The problems are so totally different, the people are totally different. Each individual and the approach different, and all somewhat keeps me on my toes. With the clinic, its just really to deep to go into, but not many people touch their lives with compassion any more, they are the diehards, that have been through rehab for years and years, and so were their parents. I believe with some of the stuff going on in the world, there is going to be an entirely different population going through the doors of the clinic, much more of a sociological challenge. Still no guts yet to open a private practice, I am sure that is when I will slow down on the threads. All it takes is money. But I do enjoy the work.

October 15, 2001
10:28 pm
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malaikau
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Molly et al,
Damaged asked me to let you know that she hasn't been around because her computer has a virus. She misses everyone and will be in touch when she gets it cleared up. It's some kind of funky thing that got into her documents and emailed all her stuff--even personal stuff--to everyone in her address book. Supposedly it won't kill a hard drive, but it could sure be embarrassing. She wanted me to let you all know this so that maybe it won't happen to you.

Mal

October 16, 2001
1:31 pm
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Molly
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Thanks, yea, its been going around, but easy to repair.

October 18, 2001
4:13 pm
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damaged
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Just poping in to say hello. Distracted if your out there my computer is still down. Hope this finds you doing ok. I think about you often. I am still going to AA and I am still sober. The cutting bull Sh*t is very hard on me right now. I am going to get a new counselor today. I have worked so hard to get were I am at to just let it all fade away. I can see that old additude creaping in.
Molly I hope every thing is going ok with you as well. I have missed reading your post. Hope to be up and running again soon. My advice to anyone out there I wouldn't journal on the computer. I didn't journial on my computer and if I would of I would be in a world of hurt right now. Yes it would of been something to drink over.
Everyone take care and I'll be back!!!
like it or not.

October 18, 2001
4:54 pm
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Molly
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I hope you put in an anti virus program, good luck with the counselor.

October 19, 2001
11:32 am
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distracted
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hi damaged

sorry to hear that your comp is still down - must be making you crazy!
I'm doing ok - still here anyway. Got a weird feeling about what is coming up though - I feel like things are building - feel like I need to keep watching over my shoulder. The changes that are going on, the intensity of everything - physically and mentally, the people that I've met over the last couple of months...I feel like these things are all coming together in some weird way. Trying to avoid shutting down and moving away from it all - know I need to let it happen - but feeling wayyy to much right now. Too fncking hypersensitive. Don't know why I let this stuff get to me. ugh i better stop here before i explode all over the place...i keep warning people that it may happen and to please excuse the mess...

Glad you are looking for a new counselor, I too would hate to see all your hard work fade away - and I know it happens very easily. Don't let those old attitudes get ahold of you again - you've come too far to give in to them now. Keep your eye on where you are going - sometimes the only way I could (can?) do that when trying to stay sober is to actually look back to where I've been to remind myself how bad things had gotten and what I stand to lose NOW by letting that happen again. If that makes any sense.

Congratulations on hanging on to your sobriety - almost to another anniversary! Hope you are taking care of yourself!

distracted

October 20, 2001
11:39 pm
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damaged
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Distracted
Hi I am back on line. I hope everything is going good with you. Maybe we can chat some next week in the mornings.

I did get a new counselor. I went and did the hour paper work that they wanted and I ask for a woman counselor. I'll be damm if I didn't get a letter in the mail today with an appointment with a man counselor. I don't know why it really just pissed me off. Well I do know why I don't want a man counselor I just don't know why I got so pissed off. Any way I will not go to counseling before I tell any man my personal business much less have to pay to do it. I wouldn't do it if they payed me to talk about my life to a man. This is how I see it, part of me is so screwed up because of men why should I want one to help me now.

October 22, 2001
12:45 pm
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Molly
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Consider the possibilities, could be the universe at work? You can always say this isn't working, and change. could be insightful, could be the way to work through the issues and perhaps anger that you have with men? the added bonus, perhaps you won't develop any distracted thoughts, and can just focus on your stuff? I can understand your initial reaction, you could consider it an experiment. ie., rambling from the other side? 🙂

October 23, 2001
1:01 am
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damaged
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yes Molly I get what you are saying here. But I don't thing I would get my stuff out to a man. For example back a few months ago I was so drunk and I cut myself and ended up in the ER. The female doctor from what I remember was so caring and understanding. The second time it happened I had a male doctor, being just as drunk I remember this doctor being cold hearted, and not very understanding. I kind of have that same fear with a man counselor that is would be not very understanding of me and my needs. Yes I for sure wouldn't develope feelings for him and that would be a plus. But I wouldn't open up to him either.

Anyway I called the agency and told them I had no desire to talk to a man counselor and thay ask me to call tomorrow with the name of the new one. For once I am standing up for what I think is the best for me. Before I would of just taken what they gave me because I would want to cause waves.

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