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Dalpuz making finalization on his situation and could use your opinion.
January 11, 2006
12:31 pm
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dalpuz
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Hey everybody, for those who know of my situation that's brought me here just over a month ago, I'm making a decision and would like your opinion. Some may have to look into past threads to get the jist.

Since the girlfriend has moved back to her family's to straighten out her situation, I've not heard from her at all. I've spoken to her father and she is apparently going to AA, and anger management. She is working to make the money just to get through her situation. But, the people she is doing the work for are the same rich, and arm ornament mongrals that helped to push her into the situation she is in. Her father tells me she's not had an once of alcohol and they are slowly getting their daughter back to normal. At 37, I would hope so.

I feel she is just going forth leading the other life she lead when she was away from me, calling it work and beleives that after she gets through all her classes and gets a peace bond with the court, that she can just come back into my life living with me here at the condo and carry on as if nothing has happened because she knows how much I love her and she will not have to make ammends of any sorts. Since her stuff is still here, it's like she gets to do what ever she wants for a couple of months then, she can just come back and continue to do what ever she wants.

I think I'm leaving the door open a little too easily, so I've called her father and asked him to come pick up the balance of her belonging and take them to her. If she understands that this separation is final, and to come back to me is not going to be as easy as she thought, she would re evaluate what ever is going on in her head. I don't know what that is and quite frankly, I don't care.

Everyone seems to leave the door open for her and unfortunately for her, I'm not one of them. I think that if I excercise the finalization at this time, she'll realize that to even think about coming back into my life she is going to have to make some serious life choices that include both of us.

Like they say, "Set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was."

I've moved forward in the last month at a very rapid rate and my life as I want it to be for myself with or without her is coming along very nicely. I'm not about to let anything redirect my life focus away from me again, unless it works.

After studying this codependence thing a bit, I realize that i've fed into her problem without even knowing it and am probably still doing it by leaving the door open during her time away. So tuff love...I beieve is the best way now. I'd rather her get fixed and be without me then to anything else at this point.

This is brief I know but, I respect and welcome your feedback.
Thanks, Dalpuz

January 11, 2006
12:55 pm
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Marlex
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Hi Dalpuz,

Havent seen your threads lately..but I am so glad you are coming along...

Glad you are making the decisions you are making as it is coming from a very positive self esteem in wanting to love and take care of yourself. You sound like such a wonderful, kind and caring person and you deserve someone with less baggage...Chances are that this woman will go back to her old life and hurt you once again. There are 2 movies you should watch "Days of Wine and Roses" and "When a Man loves a Woman" with Andy Garcia.

I am glad that you research all the avenues and have come to this conclusion...You will meet a nice woman who will be your equal in character (a strong person).

I have also come a long ways from when I started here and sharing my thoughts with all of you have truly helped me... I know I will be able to spot co-dependence the next time around.

Take care

January 11, 2006
1:01 pm
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Anonymous
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I think you are doing the right thing.

You do not know how long it will take for her to be really on the right path consistently enough to work things out.

and like you said - once she gets her life in order - you two will still need to figure out if you want to work things out - and if you can.

you are also right about not being able to just move back in and pick up where you left off - after this long - you will need time to get back together - without jumping feet first into it.

I think you are doing the right thing.

January 11, 2006
1:05 pm
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dalpuz
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Hello Marlex,

I was hoping you would one of my replies. You've kind of been with me through all this and I know you have the full jist of my dilemma.

I love her more than any other that has ever been in my life. This decision in based on that sentence alone. She needs to deal with her demons an believe that if she doesn't complete herself, she'll loose all that finds value in her, mostly her in herself.

One of the replies at the early stages of my appearance here stated that the problem was probably that she has never known anyone to actually offer her complete and unconditional love, and probably doesn't even know how to handle it, thus causing her to go deeper into her problems. Hopefully she'll deal with them.

I'm sure i'll see her someday, like that new song by James Blund...Your beautiful, ever heard it. It says alot. It's too bad that by the time she truely feels what love is, and realizes what I was offering....I will have moved on. pity eh.

January 11, 2006
1:12 pm
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dalpuz
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Hey Alicat,

You are like an alicat, you seem to always know what's going on and pop up at the right times..LOL.

Thank you for your support, the decision has not been easy when you truely do love someone as much as I do for this beautiful living creature. She was the morning dew on my pedals every morning when things were good. That's the part I'll miss the most. To have someone appreciate you that much sometimes never happens to a person.

I walk away with a smile, a tear, and fond memories knowing that I've had it once....and it was with her.

Thanks Alicat

January 11, 2006
1:14 pm
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feline
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Sometimes in life we have to put ourselves first. You have done all you can for this person and now she needs to do some things for herself. If she wants to be in your life again she will have to do some major work on herself. If she achieves this then your life together could be fullfilling, if not, don't put yourself back there again.

From what I can see you are doing the best thing for both of you.

Big Hugs

January 11, 2006
1:18 pm
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dalpuz
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Hey feline,

You guys are great. Especially right now. I'm have a glass of wine and packing her stuff up as we speak. I'm glad....and sad. It's like you guys are here with me in my livingroom overlooking Toronto's harbourfront having this moment with me and helping me through.

January 11, 2006
2:04 pm
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Dalpuz ~

Kudos go out to you. You are making the right move for her yes, but most important, the right move for you.

It takes a strong person to have the realization of what effect your action or inaction has on both you and her.

Tuff love is hardest on the person that's doing it I think. I admire your strength.

Giving her the time to heal and giving her the knowledge that she can't just walk back in the door will help her, but I like how you know how it helps you too and that seems to be your main focus.

Take care of you - that's the top priority.

t

January 11, 2006
2:16 pm
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dalpuz
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Hey Tracylyn,

making the call and now talking aboutis the easy part. Physically packing it up right now is truely the toughest part of this entire project. This is not easy. I just sneaked my 2nd glass of vino. The last one though, I've got to work tonight.

January 11, 2006
2:39 pm
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Sending you some strength then....

Maybe you good blast "I will survive" as loud as you can while you dance around with your glass of wine picking up things and packing them away.

t

January 11, 2006
3:14 pm
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dalpuz
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I always survive and pick up the pieces, I just hope she gets through her shit and finds herself on the other side. Time will tell. This is just another small part in her healing process, and a small part in my life process. Sucks....ya just want to say WAKEUP!

January 11, 2006
3:59 pm
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Marlex
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Dalpuz,

You will do just fine...and in a few months you will say to yourself "What was I thinking about?"

We make love happen, the way you describe love is the way people who are truly healthy give love to each other..It does happen..You are capable of loving and that is the important part.

Remember, if your g/f ever came back in your life, you would never be able to enjoy that "vino" near hear. I went out with a recovering alcoholic..and drinking next to him was not an easy feeling, I never wanted to tempt him.

Take care and keep posting, now you can help us along our process or we can just support each other in our quest to find true love.

January 11, 2006
4:29 pm
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dalpuz
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Thanks Marlex, somehow I kind of thought we'd become friends, I think we make each other feel good and appreciate life.
I don't loosely use the word LOVE regarding anything except the real thing but when it comes to friends, your pretty special, thank you for making me your friend and concern in my time of need.

I hope if only impact one person's life here I do as gooda job as you have with me. I thank everyone for giving the understanding and strength to deal with her. It's not her fault when ya really think about it. Ya can't be at fault when you don't even realize your sick, let's hope the light shines on her.

I'm sure i'll be here everyday as usual, especiallly when she comes a knockin, and my life starts a rockin. I'm over the 1st hump of this roller coaster ride. It's just all the little bumps now....we'll see.

January 11, 2006
4:51 pm
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Marlex
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Dalpuz,

Thank you for considering me your friend. I wish I could feel the way you do in light of your loss. You seem to be pretty much on your way out and still being compassionate towards her.

I hope we get to hear that you have found your soulmate who is as optimistic, charming and loving as you are...but the most important is that she is emotionally healthy and whole which will make her available to give you the love you deserve.

January 12, 2006
2:16 am
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Lass
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Dalpuz,

Choose someone healthy, if you possibly can. Marriage is hard enough.

LL

January 13, 2006
10:05 am
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dalpuz
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waiting for the phone call and looking at the balance of her belonging here all packed up is very disturbing and it's very hard to emotionally deal with. I feel like I'm playing Texas hold em, i'm all in, and don't know the outcome. I not supposed to care I guess because its the ultimate healing process for me but, it's just the waiting and waiting. My condo is bare, all the little things that made it a home are boxed. Now I really feel like i'm starting over....frusssstrating.

January 13, 2006
10:31 am
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go to the christmas tree shop or dollar store and pick up some of the items similar to what she used to decorate - to fill the blank spots.

don't have to spend a ton of money - just put a few things here and there to take the place of what seems to be missing.

pier one imports, christmas tree shop, there's another one, can't think of it - something junction?...anyway - usually have inexpensive knick nack - bricabrack type stuff you can toss around to make it look alive again.

plus - future GF's will appreciate that your house is decorated and not bare!!!! lol.

or - go hog wild, to to stephen's motorcycles website and fill the house with harley davidson memorabilia...lol. put a pool table where the dining room table should be...lol.

do what YOU need - it's YOUR space now.

January 13, 2006
10:37 am
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dalpuz
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Thanks alicat, it's just getting my head around it. Trying to keep the momentum going.

You must an understading woman, I don't know any woman that would appreciate a pool table in a lake view condo as a good anchor piece for decor, but it sounds great to me. LOL

I always fall into the pottery barn, my Visa always takes a killing when start that kind of shopping. If I go out with my gay buddy and a girlfriend to help it just costs soooo much more. Ya, once this stuff is picked up, i'll head out and do the shopping thing I guess. That's something to look forward to.

January 13, 2006
10:49 am
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retail therapy - can I help?????

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE pottery barn!

and yeah, a gay buddy is ALWAYS a great person to take shopping for interior decorating.

my last boyfriend's step brother/cousin (his dad remarried to his mom's sister) was gay and had AWESOME taste. At holiday time, I always hoped he would help my BF shop for my gifts, cuz they were always nice when he picked them out.

I love bombay company too - LOVE the wood in their photo boxes and stuff.

I would LOVE a pool table in my house - we even talked about taking out the couch and putting a hot tub in the living room instead!!!

I'm not a girly girl - so I tend to gravitate towards the "rough stuff" - rustic and boyish - even though I am not like a harley chick either. I have weird taste!

January 13, 2006
10:52 am
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oh, pottery barn has this bEAUTIFUL red sectional sofa - where the two ends are chaise lounges and the center piece is a smaller piece - but the couch ends up being REALLY REALLY deep - so you can lounge away on it. I'm the type that doesn't like to "sit up" when I watch tv or cuddle on the couch - I like to sprawl when I finally sit down long enough - or when I read (not much of a couch potato) - so I want a couch big enough to lounge on with more than one person (I'm not small enough to fit another person next to me)....I LOVE pottery barn, did I mention that?lol.

January 13, 2006
11:08 am
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dalpuz
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Gotcha, I've still have all the big pieces Ali, it's the little stuff, and kitchenwares of sorts that I've had to clear out. It'll take time. Once I finish painting the rest of the condo, i'll head out for the accents. It all just adds to the emptiness that I am feeling and I'm trying to keep on the positive side of it all and reassure myself it's best for both of us in the healing process.

Coming here and visiting the threads have proven very good therapy for me. Lord knows I've been driving a few close friends crazy with all my crap. I've found some very special people here who have provided me with so much.

Oh ya, you love pottery barn..LOL

January 13, 2006
11:31 am
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yeah, I know the little stuffs.

that's why I suggested the christmas tree shop - cuz you can decorate on a dime and some of their stuff is nice.

often you don't know what a "woman" can do to your home until you take the woman out of your home - and see how bare it looks after she takes the stuff with her.

I have TONS of kitchen stuff - but I use it. My BF is lost in my kitchen - tells me if I buy one more set of measuring spoons or cups, he'll beat me!!! (this coming from a guy who has so much underwear and socks he doesn't have to wash laundry for a month!!! - which is why I have so many cups and spoons - so I don't have to stop to clean them while I am on a cooking/baking spree!!!) Anyway - he thinks there is nothing I am missing in my kitchen - yet, the other day, I realize I REALLY need some good rubber spatulas and a set of tongs - and some serving spoons and a GOOD set of knives, and a new non-stick pan, and and and and....lol. There is always something I can find that I don't have and need. Now tupperware - yeah, I got too much!

Also know that you will be able to heal "faster" without seeing all her stuff there and wondering if things could work and if she will show up on your door step.

At least you will both know that you are "free" for now - free to pursue your own self of balance and health - and if/when you both are ready - you can revisit it - IF you want that...and don't be quick to live together so soon....take your time.

One thing I have found - I used to move alot - was part of my psychosis. If I found ONE thing wrong with my apartment, it would eat away at me until I could stand it no longer, and I would find someplace else to move to. I was never content. I moved frequently - TOO frequently.

My mom used to joke - if I put up pictures and curtains, I liked the place and would stay awhile. I only did this in two places - one was just curtains, the other place I went all out. Looking back, I should have stayed in that place!!

Anyway - I found that I was against putting pictures on the wall, putting curtains up, etc - cuz I wasn't happy - and I wasn't comfortable - and I didn't want to get attached - do all the work - and then find something wrong, only to move again. So I saved myself the work.

Well, I CHOSE to enjoy my new place - despite the idea that I may have to move again soon. I put up curtains and have made decorating plans for when I take my xmas tree down this weekend. I WANT it to feel like home. I NEED to settle in.

When I don't do it - it leaves me feeling "ready" to run again. I don't want ot do that anymore.

January 13, 2006
11:50 am
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dalpuz
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I think that was part of our problem, she left him and that the high society $$$ stuff to be in love thinking that it was going to be enough. We should have taken it much slower, but when you feel you just know, then you do until it all blows up. High risk situations have has high risk rewards right...right...then there's the other side of that coin...wow.

I don't think we have that specific store on Toronto, but i'm sure fudge friends will direct me to similar locations.

January 13, 2006
11:59 am
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fudge friends huh?

that struck a nerve with me.

when I was in high school - I wasn't very popular and the brunt of many people's cruel jokes.

well, I worked in a grocery store as a cashier, small family type store. and if the customer had a large order, we would have to get on the intercom and request a bagger up front.

well, one of the guys used to like to get me going - so he would come up mimicking me, but instead of asking for a bagger up front, he would be asking for a fudge packer....which, stupid as I was, took me a while to learn what he meant.

anyway - flashbacks.

if I could get to toronto, I would take you shopping and fill the condo - I like spending other people's money!!!!

I think kaboom is also in your area (codependent violent post)...he mentioned being from canada and being near toronto for the holidays.

January 13, 2006
12:11 pm
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dalpuz
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It is an expression Ali, I don't say or use anything here that I wouldn't say directly in front of my friends themselves, sorry about that. My friendships with all my friends are very open, black jokes with black buddies etc. oh, don't worry i always get it back, that's what makes it fun. Our friendships are solid so I guess we tell these things and use expressions like this to make fun and feel sorry for those who do it to be damaging. Truely, my appologies. I'll be more careful here.

The fashion district here is really good, and accessory shops are abundant for sure. At the end of the month, I think I may moving to another condo if my deal goes through, so I'll have to be patient for a bit yet.

Besides, in light of this situation that's consumed my head, i've been selfj-involved with little projects i've started to get my shit cleared up. Then, it's nothing but the future to tend to.

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