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Dad spends too much time with girlfriend
August 13, 2012
4:22 pm
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julsey
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Hello! My name is Julia, I'm 22 years old. My dad has been with his girlfriend for a little over a year now. As the time passes, I've noticed he doesn't come home much at all, especially recently. He's been back shortly, to take showers, get more clothes, then he's out again. This has been happening for about 2 weeks now. When I first brought this up with him, he realized what was going on, apologized, and spread his time more evenly. When I have brought it up recently, he says such responses as "So?" and when I ask when he'll be back, he says he doesn't know. He just doesn't seem to care anymore, and that's really hurtful to me. My parents got divorced in elementary school, and my mom lives a few cities over, and still visit her at least 1 day a week. Considering I live with my dad, I would think I would see him more often, but that hasn't been the case. How do I tell my dad AGAIN, that I think what he's doing is unfair? I'm training for a new job, and will be working a lot starting September 7th, and will not have many chances to see him when that starts. I understand he's happy and in love, but I would just like for him to understand that he has a daughter at home that would like to spend time with him.

August 19, 2012
5:31 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about your Dad's new decisions concerning the unbalanced amount of time he spends with his new girlfriend. He is losing out and so are you. If the girlfriend honestly cared for him, she would strongly advise him to take part of her time alone with him and give it back to you or at least find a way to introduce herself into your life so that the three of you could spend time together. Even if your Dad is afraid for you to meet her because he does not yet know if she is going to be a long time girlfriend or more, he still should not be spending all of his free time alone with her.

August 19, 2012
8:57 am
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julsey
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Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about your Dad's new decisions concerning the unbalanced amount of time he spends with his new girlfriend. He is losing out and so are you. If the girlfriend honestly cared for him, she would strongly advise him to take part of her time alone with him and give it back to you or at least find a way to introduce herself into your life so that the three of you could spend time together. Even if your Dad is afraid for you to meet her because he does not yet know if she is going to be a long time girlfriend or more, he still should not be spending all of his free time alone with her.

I have met her before, and hung out with her. And, I somewhat doubt that she's said anything since it's been like this for awhile. I just guess I'll have to deal with it :-/

August 20, 2012
5:25 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Julsey, it's o.k. just let it go for a while. Maybe this woman is someone he really needs in his life at the moment. If it continues, and he spends less & less time with you, I would first ask to speak with him alone and express your needs as his daughter. I would also make a coffee date alone with his girlfriend and try to make her see your side of the problem. Does she have any children of her own? Do you like her company at all?

August 20, 2012
6:13 pm
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julsey
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I've tried talking to him multiple times, but it's always the same response- never seems to care, and he ends up getting mad at me for even bringing it up. It's hard to meet up with his girlfriend or talk to her, considering he always goes over to her place, and she lives about an hour away. When she does come over, I rarely see her since I'm out a lot with my friends. She has 2 kids, one about my age and another that lives in Austria. It's hard to say if I like her company, because as I mentioned, she very rarely comes by to our place.

August 21, 2012
5:32 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Well maybe take a look at his life (your Dad's) prior to getting with this new girlfriend. I mean I know that you were likely much younger and its hard to remember but try. Maybe he was really alone and sad without a romantic involvement in his life. Some people cannot feel o.k. in their lives without this. Say for example, you were out and about with your friends as you mentioned, and while your father was happy that you had great connections socially, he did not. For some people their best friend is their romantic attachment. They don't hang out with different men & women & also have one special person in their lives. It's that one person that they put all their efforts into & they only find the intense joy from being alone with that person. It's kind of wrong & sad, but this might be his deal.
It does not mean he does not love you, but if for years he was missing that attachment in his personal life, he might be kind of overdosing on it right now.
How long had he been alone prior to meeting this girlfriend & what happened with your Mom or his previous wife?
I know its hurtful to you & you really deserve at least that he not become angry when you are simply trying to ask him for something that your rightfully deserve, his attention once in a while.
What about trying to make a date with him for next week? If he agrees to go somewhere with you for a short while, just the two of you, alone & together, just try to have fun & don't even mention his lack of involvement. Maybe you guys could plan an hour or two for dinner or a movie every other week? I dunno. Hang in there. My middle son & my eldest son never want to spend time alone with me. They like having me around the house, but they like to do their own thing. One is thinking of leaving home in the next year or so & while I wish him well, its a little sad for me.
Do you have a boyfriend or romantic interest of your own?

August 21, 2012
11:29 am
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julsey
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My parents got divorced about 12 years ago. He didn't date for awhile after that, but when he did, it was just going on dates here and there. He did get involved with an old family friend, but that ended up mot going so well. Whenever I ask him when he'll be free, he says he never knows when he'll be home. It's hard to plan something with him considering when he is home, he never lets me know beforehand, therefore I end up making plans with friends. Sorry to hear about your kids 🙁 my dad and I are best friends, so this is hard for me. I understand he likes being with her, and doing so makes him happy, I just think he's so caught up in the relationship, he doesn't realize how much I miss him. I've tried making plans to hang out with him, but it never seems to work. And with my new job starting in a few weeks, I'll be working so much, I won't have much free time. I hope we can at least see a movie or something before that happens. As far as having a romantic interest of my own, there's no one in my life.

August 22, 2012
5:28 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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J, I can tell that this is a really difficult situation for you & that obviously your Dad was your best friend. I am sure that he still feels the same way about you, but there are different kinds of love & right now I think he really needs the physical romantic kind that only his girlfriend is giving him. Perhaps he is scared that you will soon be very grown up and leave home to live with friends and does not want to think about living out the rest of his life entirely alone. Still it bites for you & I get it. My youngest son is just 12 so I am lucky that he likely will be around for a bit longer, but regardless of some of the troubles that the eldest boys have been through or are going through my heart sinks when I think that sooner or later those apron strings will need to be cut loose and I will have to find a way to cope. I cannot be in a romantic relationship at this time & I don't know if I will ever be ready again. Can I ask how old you are? Have you ever had a long term relationship? I ask because I think if you have never been exposed to that kind of intimacy, you might not appreciate specifically why your father is sort of ignoring you. It's not right for him to have the blinders on, but sometimes it happens, especially in matters of the heart. It's like when a really good friend of mine starts seeing a guy steady, she stops talking to me as much as she used to. Same with guy friends who get hooked up with some special girl. They might call when its over to cry on my shoulder, but basically I prepare myself for not hearing from them on a regular basis during their o.d. on the love interest times. It will pass. Even if he ends up marrying this woman, the honeymoon will not last forever. Trust me. Sooner or later they will fight somehow, and he will reach out to you for comfort. Or one day you will fall for someone and you will push your friends to the side. It's odd,but it's reality.

August 23, 2012
9:09 am
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julsey
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I'm 22 years old, and I've only had flings...if that's what you call it, nothing serious. I've been through this with friends as well, so I can feel your pain. Even with those short relationships though, I've always found time to spend with friends. Maybe it's just because I'm younger, but that's never been an issue. I'm just afraid that with her possibly moving in with us next year when the new house is built, it'll be a repeat cycle of this. Hopefully, my dad will let my friend live with us, so at least I'll always have her to hang out with. We'll see.

August 24, 2012
4:36 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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J, honestly I don't know if in relationships that are one on one and intensely serious whether you should remain focused only on that person, or push yourself to stay more connected to other friends. Its probably healthier to do the latter, but it largely depends on the relationship between those two people. Both of those people need to feel safe & secure about venturing back out of their relationship nest. In some relationships, one person might want other friends involved or have some time to be with other friends, but the other person is against that. It might be that in those kinds of attachments which are intense and focus only on the two people that there exists a level of toxicity. Hard for me to say. I remember in my last relationship with a guy that I asked him how it was possible that we shared such a high level of intensity together that was oftentimes meditative in nature? His response was that we understood one another on a level that most times two people never reach. I think he was right, but I don't know if its possible to sustain such a relationship. I think I am not the right person to speak to on this. Either way, if your Dad and his girlfriend will be living with you under the same roof, they will be forced to have somewhat of a relationship with you. Make sure that you keep trying to communicate with both of them whether they want you to or not. It's your Dad, & you deserve some of his attention & he also deserves some of yours whether he sees it or not.

August 26, 2012
5:51 am
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OneFoot
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Heidi aka site coordinator aka chelonia mydas is still posting as onedaythiswillpass.

August 26, 2012
1:14 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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I feel sorry for the site Co-coordinator. Sorry Heidi. Why do some of these people keep doing this?

August 26, 2012
3:56 pm
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julsey
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...what's going on?

August 26, 2012
9:37 pm
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OneFoot
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...what's going on?

Nothing seriouse. Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

August 27, 2012
5:35 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Julia, Its One Day. For some reason I could not get your email. Sorry. I hope you are doing o.k.

August 27, 2012
9:20 pm
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julsey
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Everything is going good! I've been spending a lot of time with friends,so that's been getting me through. The message was just me saying thanks for all the help, I really appreciate it. 🙂

August 28, 2012
3:21 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Julia,
You are more than welcome. I worry sometimes when I give advice. Take care.

September 1, 2012
6:06 pm
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heroworshipper
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Your gratuity will always be remembered

September 25, 2012
8:11 pm
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ShiningLight
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Maybe you can ask the help of your dad's girlfriend. Tell her that your intention is good and you have no plans of interferring to their affair but all you need is that your father will share a little portion of his time to you as his daughter. If she's really a good woman, she should consider your feelings and if by any chance she's willing to marry your dad then she should accept you as her step daughter as well. She can help you out maintain a good father and daughter bond. Be strong cause you'll get through this soon.

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