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Dad Died, fired job, boyfriend mess in 3mos
March 23, 2008
12:37 am
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athenalove
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My Dad was sick a very long time. He was in a nursing home 7 years but sick since I was a young girl but worked handicapped until 62.I started a fairly new job on 4 months tainee did fantastic. Then my Dad went into the hospital and within 1 month hospice and passed away. I am very religious and am at peace he is no longer suffering. My company was ok one day and psycho the next I missed on and off about 14 days at the end.Had I been there 12 mos could've been eligible for FMLA But finished my training with an A and some trainers saying I was the best they had seen. I had been dating an old beau on and off co-dependent drama for 2 1/2 years.He was supportive but has a ton of stuff. Recovering NA. Bad divorce, (I'm divorced but not bad).My Dad was good to me but a bit abusive verbal and physical to my brother. My beau worse just found out a close relative harmed him worst way when 7. Explains addiction problem. He is caring and loving one minute and then can flip a switch detachment criticism. Said the world revolves around me.When my Dad just died said I wont take responsiblity for getting fired. On a team of 15 7 were fired or quit since I joined. Crazy Managers. I talked to one girl who was fired/quit and she was going through rough divorse we're in sales and they did the same torture to her. So I know it wasn't me. Though I am a chronic pain sufferer with whiplash and that made things worse.He is insecure about my business meetings some after hours because people are working during day. While i'm trying to get a new job. Dad died 1st week Feb. He wanted to move in marry etc. But he has disappeared and reappeared multiple times and needed to see consistency. Now ex-wife wants full custody. His industry has suffered limited work and lot under table can't show paystubs. Might not get shared custody and ex may be sick he's not positive she's hinting at things but he's on edge.I was in NYC 911 lived and worked there. I was in Soho but had friends and clients in towers who died. I don't dwell on it at all though I studied political science and have strong feelings about Iraq War. He said I just want to hold on to tragedy and I'm not a 9/11 survivor my office was in Soho, the families and people right there are the only real survivors. Nice hah? It's been a roller coaster. He was there for me and then not like most victims of extreme abuse (did not find this out until when my Dad was dying). His controlling nature accelerates the more busy I am. He doesn't have transportation and I've been helping a little. His parents drank when getting divorced and where unavaible emotional but father was very controlling. Family doesn't know about abuse. He's oldes of 3 and became guardian for schizo brother because parents couldn't handle. He can be so loving but obviously was very starved for proper loving and support. Very bright should've gone to college but was starting some of his drug stuff in high school.

he lived in another area that was walking distance for him to a lot not now. My 84 year old mother who I'm caregiver too - 5 surgeries had open heart incision open up when I was sent on 2nd leg of training got sick scared for her.She's ok it was an old wound and 1 week and 1/2 after I buried my Dad. I need to support Mom $ more now with Dad's passing. Worried I might not get unemployment. He and I are on this awful rollercoster and I just had the last time of his criticsms of me.But I'm a christian and strongly believe in forgiveness. I know I need to walk away. He finally said I'll make it easy for you very co-dependent/passive aggressive after he last lashed out at me Friday. When I brought him to a job and couldn't get back to him. Goodbye and goodluck. He doesn't realize when I was grieving for my Dad I was grieving for what I learned about his horrors. I lost sleep, sick and work a mess all during this. He had an issue with an old vehicle infraction because he travels for work sometimes never found out. didn't appear for court for the ticket and was pulled over on warrent and arrested. He could've been arrested on NA stuff but thankfully no. I helped him with some court trips. again lost sleep worrying about him and he says I don't take responsiblity for getting fired. I wanted to scream we did get into a bit of it and his way of coping is to run away. At first he said I have concerns I'm not criticising you. When I'm with him he doesn't want me on the cell phone and computer so much and I need to be to find work soon. Says it's disrespectful of our time together. I'm not yacking with girlfriends. originally he said we need a couple week break and see if we should continue. Then he said I'm not over dad sure I'm not he just died. I'm not dealing with things.He knows i've been working on things. I won't have enough strength to deal with his custody battle and possibly sick wife. down deep I know there are too many liabilities. And I want to walk away but am so fragile from my job and Dad. But He hasn't worked on his stuff. He hasn't seen his son in 8 months I just found out. I am in therapy but think I need a new therapist.

This time he really thought I would continue the undeserved punshiment from him. He called me today Saturday I wouldn't pick up afraid he would stress me out more. he probably thought I wanted to push it to talk to him tonight. What for so I can hear more of the same. It's allegedly all about me. I'm not there for him. control and dominate in bedroom too. So he said he's on a job today very busy and just in case i was thinking of stopping by that it would not be a good idea he has a lot of people coming and going and cannot deal with that. I never show up anywhere to him unannounced. It was crazy. the night before he said good bye and good luck. this would be the 3rd real break up in 2 1/2 years enough already. You want it over then fine. But since tomorrow's Easter and I'm a christian I believe in forgiveness. But he hasn't called to apologize for anything I always do and have. I want to text his a spiritual message tomorrow for Easter but I know I shouldn't open the door this will just go on and on and be more painful for me. I said they other day if you want this to really work it seems to me we both need to be in counseling together. How do I stay strong and end this once and for all?

March 23, 2008
8:11 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((((((Athenalove))))))),

It sounds like you have been through so much in such a short amount of time. I'm on my way to work this morning, so I don't have time to comment much, but I wanted to send you a big hug and let you know that you are valued and someone cares.

Sending you comforting hugs and strength to get through this,

Chelonia

March 23, 2008
11:08 am
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eve
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Athenalove,

hugs to you. And I hope you have a good easter holyday. It sure sounds as if he is piling more problems onto you instead of giving you support. And you sure could do with some support at this time!
Do you have some friends, or family, or people at church who will give you emotional support? It is ok to grieve for your dad, don't feel guilty about this, but take good care for yourself, because sometimes sadness can get overwhelming and you don't need depression on top of everything you've got on your plate.

So happy easter to you. Do you have an easter bunny who brings you eggs in the US? Over here it was too cold outside to hide eggs for the kids in the garden, we had new snow overnight and this morning my dad called to wish 'merry christmas'.

March 23, 2008
12:59 pm
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AQueen
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This man sounds completely emotionally unavailable and toxic. You say he's in recovery and involved in NA. You also mention he isn't self reliant and you have helped him with transportation and other basic needs he has been unable to provide for himself. This is a man that appears controlling, jealous, unable to show sympathy, selfish, and totally disfunctional. You say he disappears for a time off and on, this is what addicts do. It doesn't sound like he is working a program of recovery. A program of recovery is working with sponsor on the steps, attending meetings, becoming self reliant, addressing and changing old behaviors that are toxic like the ones I mentioned above, seeing a therapist, basically recovery takes a lot of effort and requires honesty and willingness to change everything to be healthy in both mind and body.

Why are you settling for such a toxic relationship? Why date a addict, regardless of whether hes' using or not, addicts have issues and unless they are really really working hard on changing they usually still act selfish, abusive, controlling, etc. He was totally unsupportive of you when you lost your job, lost your father, and have been going through emotional turmoil due to loss. He isn't going to change.

I'm in recovery from both addiction and codependency. I have been involved with a addict and let me tell you getting away from him was like kicking a habit. I was addicted to the chaos and drama that went along with being with him. We used to do drugs together and then after 5 years I got pregnant and I got clean. I got into treatment and started taking care of myself and working with an drug counselor at the outpatient treatment center. Then I started attending group therapy for drug addiction and that really helped me finally stop using. Then I had my son and my ex kept on using. He would stop for a week or maybe two maybe even three but would disappear for a couple days using drugs only to reappear and beg to be given another chance blah blah blah.

When my son was 4 1/2 months old I kicked him for good. I started attending a domestic violence support group and domestic violence counseling. I wasn't getting abused physically but he was verbally abusive in the ways you described with your boyfriend. It really broke me down over the years and I was unable to leave for the longest time. Getting that support from the group and the couseling really helped me see how manipulative he was and how he behaved like a child with his inability to be self reliant. So I was still in outpatient treatment, attending domestic violence support groups and counseling and then I started attending AA because I like it better than NA. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I started seeing a regular therapist too. I got on a antidepressant. My life changed. I'm totally happy now and I'm so thankful for all the help I received. I never thought I would be able to leave him ever.

Many of the women in the support group had left a man with addiction issues so I felt like I fit right in. Many had never been hit. They helped me realize how codependent I had become and how I totally enabled my ex, rescued him, acted like his mother by providing for him, anticipated his needs and the list goes on and on.

He was never there for me and I was always there for him. The relationship was totally toxic. He was not a equal partner in our relationship. I was the one pulling all the weight. The pain of living that way exceeded the fear of living without him so I kicked him out and got a restraining order. I moved to a undisclosed location and got into a address confidentiality program so my ex couldn't find out where I lived. I didn't need him showing up begging for another chance. I chose to really work with my therapist so I could figure out why I was found myself in toxic relationship and toxic friendships. Turns out these people were mirrors of my own defects.

I grew up in a home with a workaholic alcoholic father and a loving but codependent mother. I had everything I wanted in material things but my father was emotionally unavailable, verbally abusive at times, distant, cold, and a drunk when not working. My mother was always enabling my father, anticipating his needs, making excuses for him, etc. Then he cheated and they seperated a few times and then divorced so throughout my teens my mother wasn't really involved in my life and I got into trouble and eventually chose to take the wrong path in life. I lived a drugged out chaotic lifestyle until 2006. But ever I got clean and started working a recovery progam I realized that I was still addicted to something in my life--my ex and our crazy relationship. I didn't want to with him but when I would kick him out I would miss him and let him come back time and time again. Turns out I was bonded through shared trauma, trauma bonding. I was addicted to him. I was used to him being around and when he wasn't I felt I missed him. When he returned we would start fighting again.

I finally got sick and tired of it and knew I would miss him but that I was just feeling that way due to being addicted to him not because I loved him so much. I didn't like him to really be honest here. He wasn't pleasant to be around most of time. He would only be really cool when trying to win me back. We argued and he wasn't there for me like I was there for him. I felt like I was his mother. I didn't respect him anymore. I was holding on to a dead relationship.I would've never been able to stay broken up with him if I hadn't sought support from the domestic violence support group. I needed their reassurance and they strength to keep me away from him especially in the beginning. I didn't talk to him for months and that's what I needed. I've only seen him about 15 times the past year. As of now he's homeless and using drugs again. He won't help himself and blames others for his problems, mainly me and his mother. I rarely speak to him anymore. So we can move on and have a good life after leaving these guys. I'm back in school pursueing a business degree. I work for the city. I'm involved in my recovery and work with my sponsor and attend meetings. I see my therapist twice a month. My son is doing great. By getting his toxic dad out of the pic I'm breaking the cycle of disfunction. I didn't want my son raised in a house with a codependent mother and a addict father. That's just to similiar to how I grew up. The difference is my father was educated and had a excellent job. My ex doesn't work and will not work and doesn't have a hs education let alone a college degree. Leave this guy. You deserve better. You really do. Reach out and get some help and join a support group. A wonderful life is waiting for you.

AQueen

March 23, 2008
1:32 pm
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athenalove
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Chelonia and Eve,

Thank you for your support so much. It's not my Easter I'm orthodox my Easter is next month but I feel the spirit today and always. I do have several good friends (one whose like an older sister who just had a bad breakup and helping me through) and very few family members they are all grieving my Dad's loss. I'm grieving Dad, Job and now my passive aggressive co-dependent boyfriend loss. I'm trying to be strong and let the be the end and not contact him. The christian in me wants to text him an uplifting message not to bring him back but that I care even though there is a disconnect and that I pray Christ is there for him. He is a Christian. But I must just pray to God and Christ and not reach out to him. All I'll dois drag this out and it will be more painful. I wanted to be there to help him figure out if the ex is dying and how to help and be there for him with the custody. But if all he's going to do is constantly judge me, criticize my actions then why should I. Yes he can be loving and generous but then he can be that cold and patronizing toxic authoritarian - holy then though which I do not need know. I'm trying to figure out what is worse having this 3rd loss now within moonths or revisit the possibility of going back to him.One I don't think he will want to go there and 2 I don't think I should. He needs to work a lot on himself. I'm grateful for the good things he did but I'm not grateful for the vicitimizing he did to me several times over. So in the end - I do need help from everyone around me to help me NOT REACH OUT TO HIM, TEXT HIM VOICEMAIL MESSAGE. Just because I feel sorry for him doesn't mean it can be a healthy love for us both. Pity and sorrow is not an equation for health. Friday he ripped me down for the last time. I do take responsibility for a few things I brought up that might have made him feel insecure and would apologize to him, but it's no use. He's negativity and controlling far outways the few things that I might have said to hurt his feelings. I'm in therapy so obviously I'm trying to work on it. He isn't now has been here and there but utlimately he wants to fix me and not himself. Realistically we need to work on ourselves together and recognize and admit our own failings. I need a Mans opinion though because I read somewhere when the Man is trying to win the woman over and is struggling their insecurities are exacerbated. But that still doesn't excuse his already domineering and then add that behavior. So everyone thank you for your hugs support and help me be strong. Send more words if you could to help me not reach out to him. I can't feel more pain and suffering right now.
to the Western Easter people - Happy Easter and Gods Blessings to all

🙂 A

March 23, 2008
1:43 pm
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athenalove
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Hi AQueen,

Thank you so much for your words of support. What group do you think I should join? ALANON? is that the name of it? I know there is a Co-dependent group but the one is pretty far from me here. anyone who has any other suggestions for a group to join let me know. Bereavement I'm ok with, been working on it a long time in therapy already and am at peace with Dad I know he's in a better place, but losing my job and having a man who was supportive emotionally and then would tear me down or judge me on the other side was a roller coaster I just couldn't take. ANY IDEAS FOR OTHER GROUPS LET ME KNOW.

Thank you!
:-)A

March 23, 2008
6:30 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((athenalove))

March 23, 2008
7:36 pm
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athenalove
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we imploded on Friday AM. I can't talk to him or see him and probably never again. What's the use. He left me a voicemail message yesterday not to show up suddenly on his worksite which I never do. Probably just in case I wanted to continue the codependence. Since I was so exhausted mentally I was afraid he would tear me done further so I couldn't see him Friday night. I said let's talk Saturday night and he said I'll make it easy for you now good bye good luck and hung up on me.He usually does that. Hangs up.Then he called again this afternoon,didn't pick up I'm panicking he wants a confrontation. He said he's cleaning out his new apartment and wants to get rid of everything of mine. Which wasn't much and I don't want any of it. I think he wants to see me really to confront me and tear me down> Doesn"t say i"m sorry let"s try to talk> just call me to pick up your stuff> i DON'T RETURN THE CALL. THEN HE CALLS AGAIN TO SAY THAT HE'S GOING TO A JOB SOMEWHERE ELSE AND WILL BE LEAVING. SO YET AGAIN HE REALLY WANTS TO CONFRONT ME BUT HE'S NOT TENDER, I'M SORRY WE SHOULD TALK. JUST WANT TO GET YOUR THINGS TO YOU. tHEEN HE CALLS A 3RD TIME TODAY. WELL MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAN YOU'RE NOT PICKING UP THE PHONE SO IT'S ALL GOING IN THE TRASH WHICH IS PICKED UP TOMORROW.UP UNTIL THE LAST CALL I'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT MAD. NOW I'M CRYING AND SCARED. SHOULD I call and say goodbye, see him, whats the use. he's the one who trashed me friday AM and he's the one who said Friday night I'll make it easy for you good by good luck. so what's the use. Guys do I talk to him again or let it end like this. What good could come out of speaking or seeing him. He's codependent, controlling and will victimize himself and blame me for it all being about me. I'm trying to recover from my Dad's death, getting fired from my job from mean corporate america who was so not understanding. and then this. How much pain can I indure. Is the pain of no face to face closure better then maybe getting dragged in again. I have so many losses to heal from now and need to find a job. Care for my elderly mother and live with a brother who isn't working and who has a borderline personality and can't help my mother. Pray this will get better for me guys. Should I not call to say anything further. No reason to right?

March 28, 2008
12:54 pm
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eve
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How are you doing now?
(HUG(((Athenalove)))HUG)

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