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D dog Update!
February 26, 2006
12:58 pm
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D dog
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Hi guys. I haven't posted for a while, but have been lurking pretty consistently.

H and I are still together, and things have been progressing for us, mainly due to the fact that I've been going to therapy every two weeks...at first to explore my relationship with H and its problems, but now to explore myself - my motivations, my fears, and my hopes for the future...I have really learned a lot about myself, and H and I are both facing up to our alcohol dependencies - the reasons why we drink, and the fact that it holds us back from being all we know we can be.

So we're on the road to recovery - early days, still drinking but digging deep into our psyches and beginning the painful process of accepting and liking ourselves...

We've put the cheating incident behind us - we both know that the relationship at that time was a fearful and frantic time for both of us...we did move in together too soon, and neither one of us handled it in a mature manner...it was party central, and I dragged all the emotional baggage from the summer right into it, and tried my best to make him suffer for it...instead of having honest, sober conversations about my feelings. I should have been in therapy well before we made the move...should have dealt with the reality of he and I before trying to make it into something that it wasn't ready to be...

Not that I still blame myself for the cheating...that's his to own, and he really has. He has been as close to perfect as a man can be since that fateful week in December...that horrible time when we were both so utterly lost.

H wants to go with me to my next therapy session, and I cleared it with J (therapist). I am looking forward to it...we're going to talk about drinking and how it affects the dynamic of our relationship...a good place to start, and much more personal than the whole AA thing, which is a great program, but not for us at the moment. I think the direct support that a therapist can provide is going to be invaluable, as we will be able to dig deeper into our personal situation.

Our biggest problem - aside from the alcohol thing, but that's directly linked to the REAL problem - is that we both seem to have an inherent "fear of success"...which I thought was strange at first, until my last session on Friday, when J really drew me out and helped me explore this concept. It's like, if I really did become the person that I want to be, how would my life change? I wouldn't have enough of myself to give to other people (hugely scary for a codep like me), and I would be exposed to a new group of people, and - what if they don't accept and/or like me? Pretty basic fears, and pretty silly when you look at it objectively...but there it is.

What I've realized this week is that the more time H and I spend partying together, the fewer opportunities we have to grow as human beings, which, in the end, would actually enable us to give so much MORE to each other, and not less as we may currently fear.

That's the answer in a nutshell.

We're choosing to grow.

I'm scared, but very excited, at the same time.

He is actually working on a new graphic design project for work today, and I am looking for freelance writing opportunites in our area...that's what I really want to do - write. It's been my goal since childhood...

Anyway, just wanted to say hi to everyone and lend an update for those who are curious...

Philmore and Guppy - how are you guys? Haven't seen too many exchanges lately, been busy?

Lolli and Shaney - you guys still rock, I read your latest posting today - hang in there, Lolls, at least you are still sober, and that is HUGE! I bet it makes all the difference in being able to see and express yourself honestly - and that ability is so important, in relationships, and life in general, I'm finding.

Sigh. Who invented alcohol and why? Oh, I know the answer to that one - people! Because we're all flawed and we're all scared. But then, I guess if we weren't, and had nothing to learn, there would be no point in being here in the first place, huh? I'm glad to have the opportunity to grow...I'm starting by loving and accepting myself.

Thanks - have a great Sunday, all!!

D dog

February 26, 2006
1:41 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks for the update D :o)!!! I was wondering what the heck you were up to these days.

It's really good to see you're in therapy, and really getting something out of it. Knowing ourselves is a great feeling. It's easy to lose sight of ourselves though - you wouldn't think so, but it happens just like that. Especially when we have an addiction. You'll work it out - you're stronger that you think.

Take care of yourself - love - Shaney

February 26, 2006
2:19 pm
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Thanks, Shanze!

Yeah, what makes it harder is that we have the SAME addiction...so we kind of bounce off each other as far as indulging goes...if I come home and he's drinking, I join in...and vice versa.

And, we talked about this the other day - every morning, we both go, "Ok! I'm hungover, not drinking tonight!" And then, on the way home from work, it's all we can f**king think about. Insidious, evil addiction...but - we are not insidious evil people, and I have faith, especially now that we have an open dialogue about it and are no longer defending our behaviors, that it can be defeated.

On a lighter note, it's supposed to be 80 degrees here today in Phoenix, and we have a GIANT (10 lb.) pork roast to throw on our rotisserie...so yeah, comfort food a-go-go. H's cousin Rafael is living with us for the time being...he just broke up with his fiance (cuz he drinks too much - LOL, he's in the right house now, huh?), and he has the ultimate Puerto Rican recipe for said pork. I guess I will make deviled eggs (H's favorite), and whip up a salad with avocado, tomatoes and corn...of course, with thousand island dressing...maybe some spanish rice on the side. Yum!

How's the weather in LA these days? It's really getting nice here...the sun is regaining that desert intensity, you can feel it crawling under your skin...love it. It'll be in the 90's in another 2-3 weeks.

Anyway, thanks for your response...take care girlie!

Luv ya -

D dog

February 26, 2006
2:46 pm
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lollipop3
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D-dog,

I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you. I too have wondered what was happening with our beloved D-dog.

Although I am very happy that things seem to be shaping up for you, I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't caution you to not set your expectations too high. Not that you shouldn't stive to do and be your best, of course you should. I just fear that you may expect couples counseling to "make the difference" but as long as you are both still drinking and not working on yourselves as INDIVIDUALS....statistically, that approach does not fair so well.

It seem like you may still be in the mind set that you are going to "save" each other. That thinking is not realistic and will more than likely set you both us for disappointment. Believe me....I know.

God, I hope that didn't come off as harsh as it felt to write it. I just want you to be realistic in your expectations, because I care about you and I don't want to see you hurt.

I really am glad that you are both taking a look at things and I wish you both the best of luck.

As always, this was written in love, but I won't blame you if you want to slap me. 🙁

And please don't wait so long in between posts...we miss you.

Love,
Lolli

February 26, 2006
3:09 pm
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Hi Lolls!

Thanks so much for your honesty...I wouldn't know how to do a cyber slap even if I felt it was warranted (and it isn't), so don't worry...

The good news is that we ARE going to work out our issues individually as well...I left out that part, but we have talked a lot about what we need to do for ourselves as well, and that we both need to respect the fact that there is no way to "fix" each other...we both have to own our own issues and get there by ourselves.

That is, however, a good point to bring up in therapy ...that we need to honor each other's space and have mutual respect and trust in each other while we are working on ourselves.

Hey, I wish we COULD save each other - that would just be so easy, huh? But then, if the saving does not come from within oneself, there is indeed no salvation at all...just another crutch to lean on and hide behind.

I'm glad you wrote what you did, though - cuz I don't want to fall into that trap, and didn't really see it lurking...so THANKS! Instead of a slap, how about a hug???

(((((Lollipop)))))

February 26, 2006
3:15 pm
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Hey D - I'm thinking of cooking something today too, since bf is going back on duty tomorrow. I was thinking maybe some hardcore homemade chili. It's a lazy Sunday. It's in the 70's but is just starting to cool down because the clouds are blowing in. It's supposed to be cold by sundown. We're expecting rain for the next couple of days.

Hey, guess what? We are planning to come to Arizona at the end of March for a little post Valentine's Day weekend. I'm looking into Sedona, because neither one of us has ever seen the Grand Canyon, and we thought it would be kind of cool. Any suggestions about where to stay, since you're my only Arizona connection?

I like that avo, tom and corn salad. Good stuff!

February 26, 2006
3:17 pm
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Awww...thanks D.

I'm very happy to hear that you will be doing individual therapy as well.

Yes, it would be nice if we could save each other. I know I was all for it and in the back of my mind still wish that could be the case. But, I have learned the hard way how truly unrealistic that fantasy is. Sad, but true.

Here's a hug right back at ya (((D-dog)))

Love,
lolli

February 26, 2006
3:30 pm
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Shaney -

Ah, Sedona! I LOVE it! We've been thinking of a little jaunt up there ourselves. Hey, maybe we could meet up? As long as we don't exchange email addresses, I guess it's allowed...LOL!

I work in travel, and my Radisson rep sent me 2 free night certificates for the Radisson Resort and Spa...actually, the rack rate is only about $100 right now...that's probably the best mid-range property there...also the Hilton. Of course, L'Auberge and Enchantment are the best ones...but they'll set ya back $300 a night...

The Grand Canyon - it's so funny, cuz the first time I saw it, I was like, "Oh my God!", jaw dropping, couldn't breathe...it was just so amazing. Now, whenever someone comes to visit, I'm like, "Oh please God, don't make me go to the Grand Canyon AGAIN!" LOL!

It's definitely something that everyone should see, though. Once or maybe twice.

The roast is on, and I am sending H to the store for avocados and tampons. Yes, my needs are simple. Chili sounds good...with lots of cheddar and onions and a huge dollop of sour cream...YUM! Comfort food rules on Sunday!

:o)

February 26, 2006
3:43 pm
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Thanks! I actually was more serious about the Hilton, than any of the other hotels - thanks for the confirmation. See you in Sedona!

That's so funny how you feel about going to the Grand Canyon now. I have the same reaction when asked to go to downtown Hollywood to stick my f'n feet in those shoe prints in the cement. Someone hand me a gun.

Thanks again, D - I'm going to the store as well. Have a great day.

February 26, 2006
4:20 pm
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You too, Shanze.

It's just beautiful here now, I'm getting a "farmer tan", sitting on the patio smoking.

The grocery list is now huge, H is bringing Rafael for support. I'm going to hang out here and play with the cat...he had his first encounter with our sprinkler system today (whoops!), and is a bit traumatized.

Ah, life.

Best wishes -

D.

February 27, 2006
1:44 pm
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D dog,

great to hear from you. I have been wondering how things are going for you.

That's great that you are in therapy now working on yourself.

What's going to be the final motivator for you to stop drinking and get sober? You seem to blame part of your drinking on H. If he's drinking you join in. I know its harder to quit and addiction if your partner is active in the addiction.

Does H have any plans for getting sober and staying sober?

That seems to be the number issue right now.

If H dosen't stop drinking you may have to choose between H and getting sober. You can't wait until he stops drinking. You don't even know if he will get sober and if he can stay sober.

I have been in couples therapy two times. I'm not saying this will be your experience but I just want to point out that sometimes couples therapy results in the ending of a relationship because any denial around it disolves in therapy.

In the first case it bought out the reality of our relationship and the fact that he had too much work to do on his mother before he could work on a relationship with me.

I saw the futality of trying to make it work so we broke up. We cried together when we ended it.

In the other case at first it enhanced our relationship then later on it bought up more of his issues that he needed to address.

So he ended it. Me - broken hearted but survived.

love,
kathy

February 28, 2006
12:43 am
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hey d-dog! glad things are working out for u. u are so lucky to be in arizona with all the sunshine. i hope counseling works well for u. i am here every night. it seems i have learned to lurk about but not post. 🙂

((((d-dog))))

February 28, 2006
10:42 am
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hi D...good to see you posting, and i wish you the very best with therapy and sobering up....and H too!!

Take everything one day at a time & keep coming back more and posting!!!!

love, camer

February 28, 2006
10:58 am
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D Dog:

Am very happy for you and H. Thanks for the update. Keep focused on healing. Wish you the best.

February 28, 2006
8:26 pm
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(((((((((Ddog)))))))
Thanks 4 the update, I havent been here or anywhere online in like forever, but I'll have my own update soon... I was so happy to see an update form you though, I do often wonder how you're doing!!
((((Big Hugs!!!))))
AW

March 1, 2006
3:02 pm
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Well, last night H went out to the bar for the first time since "the incident" last December. He came home early and was not drunk, but...I guess I realized last night that I still do not trust him. We had a discussion, which of course turned into an argument.

His ex-wife just found out that her father is dying of brain cancer...she also just broke up with her boyfriend (uh oh), and she's been calling H for support. He has sworn to "be her friend" and be there for her.

All this, along with my therapy, has led me to make my first real effort at setting boundaries...I sent him this email today:

Hi.

Thank you for calling me this morning; that meant a lot. I'm having a good morning - made myself go out and jog despite four jumbo glasses of wine and an entire pack of smokes last night. It was tough, but I'm keeping at it.

I am serious about stopping - or cutting back - on drinking. I am just so done with it. Lent starts today, so I feel like I have God on my side. Of course, I always have, but this season gives me an opportunity to honor Him with my committment as well. Let's see how I do.

I wanted to say a few things about our discussion last night, because although things did get angry and out of hand, I think there are important points to be salvaged from it.

About things not being about Sandy - I didn't go there last night and I don't intend to. I respect the fact that she is going through a horrible time right now, and that given your history and closeness to her family, you are a natural person for her to turn to. Especially since her boyfriend turned out to be a class A bastard.

It's great that you can be a friend to her now. But what does being a friend mean? I don't want to dredge up old history, but after last summer I feel that I need to. Being a friend means that although you have moved on from the relationship, you are still willing to give all the love and support you can when the chips are down - BUT - without sacrificing the future that you want for yourself.

It doesn't mean getting naked and snuggling with her (whether she wants you to or not), it doesn't mean spending the night at her place, it doesn't mean "dating" her. It means being a friend, and not falling back into an emotional affair. I say this, because this is what happened last summer. And the fact that you supposedly had a girlfriend suddenly meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to you. And whatever future we could have had together fell away like it never existed.

As far as flirting at the bar - or anywhere else - goes, well, I'd be lying if I said that I never did it. But, I know where to draw the line. I have enough respect for you, and for our relationship, and for MYSELF, to not "go for it", regardless of who I am hanging out with. The fact that you do this - well, not to be blunt, but it just makes you look bad. It makes you look like someone who is lost, and who doesn't know what they want from their life.

It also shows no respect for me, no respect for our relationship, - and, perhaps most importantly - no respect for yourself. It shows the world that you really have nothing. Or, perhaps, that you have no real belief in what you do have, which is worse.

When I said last night that we were "done"...well, I meant that, but not in the way that you might think. What I meant was that I am done with this phase of our relationship. Where it goes from here is up to you. I don't want to lose you and what we have together; but it takes two...I can't shoulder all the responsibility anymore. I need to get on with my life.

On that note, I still have to meet T tonight to discuss the divorce, but will be home before 9:00.

Have a great day, and please think about this message...if I didn't care I wouldn't have written it, so take it for what it's worth...and maybe wait a few days before you hit "delete".

Love,
D
----------------------------------

I think I have pretty much stripped it down to the bare bones here. Our counseling session isn't till the 10th, although after this I'm not sure if he will be willing to work on it any longer.

But I said what I had to say...was I too harsh?

March 1, 2006
5:23 pm
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Well, I guess not. He replied -

Hi D:

Thank you for your email earlier - much appreciated. Again, I am sorry
for over reacting and hurting you!!!

Hope you are having a nice day and I look forward to hearing from you
soon.

Love,
H

Doesn't address the issues, but then, I wasn't asking him to. Just to think about it.

I guess counseling is still on.

Thanks all above for your comments on my original post...the outpouring of positive energy is really helpful, makes me kind of embarrassed that I am still struggling with these SAME issues! And kathygy, thank you for sharing your experiences...it may well be the end of us, but at this point, that would really be okay - I just want both H and I to have good lives, so whatever it takes...

Talk to you guys later -

D.

March 1, 2006
5:55 pm
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He also just sent me a Hallmark e-card with a little bouncing ball that bursts into tears and then says, "Forgive me?"

Very un-H-like...

Wow.

March 2, 2006
9:03 am
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(((((((D dog)))))))))

~charlie~X

March 2, 2006
12:26 pm
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D dog,

Your comments about his flirting at a bar sound very judgemental. You are assuming other people see him the same way you do when he flirts at a bar. But I thinks that unlikely. Why not say 'I see you as .."?

H is not communicating anything to you about what you said. You don't have to ask him to comment. Its obvious that you would like his feelings about what you said.

He didn't make any promises about his relationship with his ex.

It sounds like he is avoiding what you said.

Big deal, so he sent you a card. It means nothing. "forgive me" what does that say about the future or about his relationship with his ex?- nothing.

In I didn't see in your email exactly what you want from this man at this time.

Remember drinking effects communication. You said you had 4 glasses of wine. Can you communicate with him while being sober?

It doesn't sound like you are cutting back your drinking. If you can't do that then you need to quit all together. But it doesn't sound like you are ready to do that.

Its hard for two active alcoholics to have a healthy relationship, healthy communication.

You deserve a response from him about what you said in your email. Don't let him off the hook.

Best to you,

love,
Kathy

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