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D dog Update, not what you'd expect...
September 4, 2005
6:38 pm
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D dog
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Hi everyone!

I took a little time off from posting, because I found myself using the site as a "crutch", and sitting here whining about my problems, instead of going into the world and actually applying the good advice I received here. Sorry about that!

Anyway, things are much, much better for me. I have been seeing H again, but have been remaining strong and focusing on myself more. For example, Thursday he went out for the evening and did not call even though I had invited him over for dinner. Instead of sitting here drinking and obsessing, I made myself a nice dinner and watched CNN. I then wrote a lengthy email to him talking about New Orleans. A note here: I was perfectly happy with the fact that I was on my own for the evening, until I had 2 glasses of wine, and suddenly felt that "pull" - the insecurity, the depression, the wanting to call and go "Where the f**k are you", etc. So I stopped drinking and it went away.

The next day, he emailed me to tell me how much he appreciated my thoughts, he hadn't realized the seriousness of the situation there, etc. (He doesn't watch news). He then went on to THANK me for just "being me", and told me he wanted to spend the whole weekend with me, just "hangin'". Later in the day, he emailed saying he had tickets to the Cardinal's game, and did I want to go? (!) So, we've proceeded to spend lots of time together, and it's good except for one thing...he's been drinking HEAVILY for three days (till today) - those who know me know that for me to comment on someone else's drinking, it must be bad! I mean, it hasn't been his usual "party" drinking - it's flat out shut out the world self-medicating stuff.

Yesterday we watched a movie at his apartment, and for some reason he got all weepy, and we started talking about his son (who lives in Australia with ex-wife #1). H emails him and they have an okay long distance relationship, but not what it could be. I've always known it bothered him, but for some reason yesterday it just hit him really hard. I have never seen him so sad. He was actually talking about killing himself, doing the "no one would care if I was gone thing", etc. (Been there, done that!) Anyway, he wouldn't really open up about it - I think the guilt and the pain are too much for him to face right now - but I told him about the abortion I had in my younger years, and how much I regretted that, but the good thing is, his son is alive and well and he has a chance to have a relationship with him. So I held him till he stopped crying and then we went swimming, and he seemed okay, but of course got super-drunk. Me? I had a couple drinks, but made sure I had my faculties about me because I was worried about him. That's pretty much been the pattern for the weekend...

I think he's turning a corner here in addressing his issues...another reason why:

H went to the doctor a few days ago because he was worried about his blood pressure, and has been having huge aniexty attacks with his heart racing, etc. So they put him through all the tests, EKG, treadmill, bloodwork, full physical, etc. Turns out he is physically fine, but has depression/ anxiety disorder. They put him on Lexapro, which he is starting today (and not drinking). I am proud of him for taking those steps...he also wants to go to AA with me and my neighbor (no, we haven't been yet, but our forces are growing in number now - pretty soon it'll be the whole apartment complex - LOL!), we hope to get to a meeting this week.

As I write this, he is in his apartment with the shades drawn and the lights off, watching TV. I, however, came home this morning and totally cleaned my whole apartment, did 2 loads of laundry and grocery shopped. Those who know me, know this is a landmark event - LOL! Plus, it's almost 4pm on a Sunday and I'm sober.

So where's this all going? Well, the codep in me knew these issues were there, and now that they are surfacing and he is getting some help, I feel...I don't know, just kind of not responsible. Almost like I've been "freed". I mean, not that I don't want to be there for him, but...I don't know, I guess I didn't know how deep these things ran with him, and no, it doesn't excuse his treatment of me, but at least I know that it isn't my fault, and by just "being me", instead of trying to have a relationship with him, I'm actually helping him. The stronger I am, the better it will be for myself, my life and everybody in it.

I'm having a tough time finding the right words...any feedback and/or insight would be appreciated.

Thanks, guys!

D.

September 4, 2005
6:54 pm
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D dog
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Found some words...

It's kind of like I'm D puppy right now instead of D dog, back in childhood with a depressed, alcoholic parent, but this time I know that I'm not to blame. And the way this person has made me feel about myself has stemmed from their own pain, and not from any true failing on my part as a person.

Does that make sense??

September 4, 2005
8:19 pm
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Bingo!
My friend's twin died a few years ago. Every year, she has said she is now 2 yrs old, now 3 yrs old, and 4 -- because she had to start learning who she was on her own from that point on.
Best of, best of, strength in choosing not to drink. So much easier to deal with things and pain is not nearly as deep.

September 4, 2005
10:03 pm
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D dog
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Everyone’s a victim
Noone is to blame
Find a bum to dump it on
This unwanted shame

When I point the finger
I’ve got three pointing back
Haven’t a clue
What you’ve been through
So it’s easy to attack

Everybody’s looking for their own way to get high
Find God
Shoot him up
Learn how to die

My head’s full of self-pity and noise
I need a clean me
I need a new voice

Go down
Down to the sea
Down to the ocean
She’s calling to me

Everybody’s famous
For a second or two
We could address the world’s distress
But the popstar's on too.

Looking so damn lonely
Looking for a soul
Trying hard to cover up
The emptiness
The hole

What you’re calling culture
Is just arcades and malls
I can’t hear myself think
I can’t hear my heart sink

Here’s a diversion
A howl at the moon
The only time I feel alive is when I’m with you

Go down
Down to the sea
Down to the ocean
She’s calling to me

Gonna wash away my..... fears of this place
Gonna wash away my..... tears from your face

September 4, 2005
10:16 pm
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D dog
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Tim Booth. Former singer from "James". Genius. Check out this next one...

From small beginnings rise the redwood

To oversee 2000 years

From her vantage, we’re all insects

From her stillness, we’re all on speed

Though each is different in its motion

There’s perfection in the seed

What is going down?

One man lives, one man dies

One forgives, one gets crucified

Life just takes you to the bone

One is faithful, one is not

One gets high upon the cross

Life just takes you to the bone

One born rich, one born poor

Life’s a bitch and I’m her whore

Life just takes you to the bone

In the big picture

Amongst humans

There’s such detail, light and shade

All the ranges of confusion

I’m with the fat man

Life is change

What is going down?

What you doing with that body?

It’s just borrowed

You confuse yourself, you confuse yourself

You’re not mind

You’re not thought

You’re not flesh

It’s not yours

Take your foot off the gas

There’s a human being in here

That’s beside yourself

There’s a spirit in here

You’re beside yourself

Slow down, reach out, I guess

One just prays to be in love

The other one kills in the name of God

Life just takes you to the bone

One makes bombs in Palestine

Nothing to lose except his life

Just takes you to the bone
more Tim Booth Lyrics

Lyrics ID for lyricsbox 2.0 = 27538878

September 4, 2005
10:27 pm
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Shaney
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Hi D -

pretty heavy lyrics

September 4, 2005
10:37 pm
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D dog
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Hey Shaney -

Yeah, I love Tim Booth. He's spiritual, yet he seems to "tell it like is is", from a human perspective, at least. I couldn't post my favorite one, cuz it makes references to God, man and ape that may offend some people. But - I highly recommend the CD - it's called "Bone". The music brings it all together - has to be heard to be appreciated.

How are you? I'm doing fine, looks like the object of my affections has done a crash-and-burn (probably long overdue), I think things are getting clearer. He just called me to say that Channel 40 has re-runs of "24" (our favorite show). Leaving him to his pity party, but thinking of him fondly. I wish I could take away his pain..I almost feel guilty for being okay 2nite when he isn't...but that's part of recovery, yeah?

September 4, 2005
10:47 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Ddog: Was just thinking about you today and wondering how you were doing... and here you are! You sound well. Its such an interesting perspective when we focus on ourselves and not others, isn't it? A whole new world. Keep up the good work. Wishing you the best, SD

September 4, 2005
10:47 pm
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D dog
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Actually, this is probably the most appropriate one for this site, still Tim Booth:

So you gave me a home

And you gave me a name

And you told me, behave like the others

Then you sent me to school

Which was all about rules

And I learnt to pretend

And so I faked my way through school

And now I faked my way to you

In every face I look for signs of truth

And when you cry I take your hand

And when you rage I understand

Look in my eyes

I’m not like all the others

It’s time for you to discover

Who I am becoming

I may look like a man

And talk like a man

ButI feel like a man undercover

I don’t feel real, I feel like a fake

In a moment I’ll break

And so I’m prisoner to this guise

I’m in for life, but what’s my crime?

I’m searching through my race to find

Some long lost tribe long lost in time

You fear that death will be the end

I fear that we’ll come back again

I killed you once so let’s pretend

This time round we’ll be good friends

So I’ve been abuser and I’ve been abused

I’ve been the Nazi and I’ve been the Jew

I was the user and now I am used

To recover those who wish to discover

Who I am becoming.

September 4, 2005
10:50 pm
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D dog
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Thanks, SD. I am learning a lot. No grand announcements of change here, just saying that I am finally open to letting it happen.

September 4, 2005
11:01 pm
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Shaney
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September 30, 2010
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I've never heard of Tim Booth, but will definitely try him out. I've always listened to a ton of different music and LOVE concerts... LA is the place to be for that sort of stuff.

I'm doing good. I cleaned all day long and so now I'm going to take a shower and relax with the dogs. M is on duty today and tomorrow, so I'm catching up with things, before he gets back. We're doing well - working on our communication skills has proven to be our life saver. I feel like we can do anything with good communication. He's a great guy.. I'm feeling lucky today. 🙂

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better. We can get crazy, can't we? Jeez. Sometimes we need to slow it down a little and not be so heady. Relax and just feel. We don't always have to have all the answers. Boy, H seems to have had his share of ups and downs lately. You're a good person, D, you'll do the right thing - no reason to feel guilty though. Wallow in the fact that you feel pretty good right now - we can't take away everyone's pain - although we'd like to. I'd bet money that H is just glad that he has someone like you around.

I'm glad you're back. 🙂

September 4, 2005
11:15 pm
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D dog
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Thanks, Shanze. Especially for saying that I'm a good person...I try to tell myself that all the time, but I just don't seem to believe it until it comes from someone else.

Right back at ya -

;o)

September 4, 2005
11:41 pm
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Shaney
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Hey - by the way, my favorite thing about being home alone:

1. the house stays clean
2. I don't have to shave

I'm feeling pretty good right now...
stubbly, but good.

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