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D dog, Sunday Morning Confession
August 27, 2006
11:29 am
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D dog
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Ok, here's what happened.

BF borrowed a trailer from his friend C so he could take his motorcycle to another friend's house for repair. I went with him. We then went to C's to return the trailer (same dudes he partied with when they chucked the lawn mower in the pool...you know what's coming here). BF had promised them that he would install a mister system on their patio, so we all went to Home Depot to get the supplies.

Before we left, I suggested to BF that maybe I should go home, as I didn't want to get in the way...I also knew damn well that I would probably drink with them if I stayed. BF told me that if I didn't feel comfortable, that was cool, I could take the truck and come back for him later. I wavered, then decided to stay.

On the way back from the Depot, they stopped to get beer. They passed one around in the car, which turned into 5 by the time we got back. Four people, so I figured I had maybe one. That being done, they stopped again at a 7-11 for back up supplies. While C was in the store, I got out of the car to have a cigarette, and assessed how I felt.

Oddly, I did not feel the elation that used to come with a buzz. I felt...eclipsed. Like, where's D dog? Not here. Muffled, obscured, missing. It was a weird sensation, and something I have never before been aware of.

So we got back to the house, I had a few more beers (already screwed up, so why not?) Talked to C the whole time about quitting drinking (he's trying to do the same, but failing), which was pretty good as I was able to impart some insight. Albeit hypocritically.

Didn't get sloppy drunk, but knew when I had had enough; BF got the mister system done, and also installed a pool light and fixed their garbage disposal. Before we left, C insisted that we do a "beer bong". This is a giant funnel with a hose, do the math. I succeeded to much acclaim. Then...immediately went in the bathroom and puked my guts up. ALL the beer.

Ha ha! So fitting, and damn did I deserve that!

I discreetly skulked back to the patio and suggested that we leave. BF noticed I was looking a bit wan, so we made our exit. Upon returning home, I had a last beer on our patio (I know, WTF?), at which point our roommate - the vodka guy? - YELLED at me, because I had been doing so well for 2 weeks, and what the hell was I doing drinking? Sigh.

Anyway, BF rented some movies and I heated up the pasta I had made Friday (it was great). Couldn't focus on the movies as I was buzzed, just gave up and went to bed.

So! What have I learned? First of all, that social pressure caused me to drink. Well, no, it didn't CAUSE it, I made a conscious decision to do it. This tells me that I am not as committed as I once thought, or, perhaps clinging to the idea that I can drink "once in a while", which may be true, but...point two - I do NOT like being buzzed. It isn't me, and it's a waste of time. I had fun - but it wasn't the drinking that was fun, it was the people and the other circumstances. I did not NEED to be consuming alcohol. In fact, it probably dulled my razor-sharp wit. Three, I can't stomach the s**t anymore. I felt nauseous from the first sip. Partly psychological, but also, it really is a serious drug. I mean, I felt like I was "on something"...and I was!

The way booze is bandied about in this society is just appalling. It is so ingrained into our culture...and yes, it's my own choice to indulge in it or not...but it's funny how no one realizes how seriously mind-altering the substance is. I thought it was a great thing, a "party"...it isn't. It's just another drug.

Anyway, I know you guys will probably be disappointed in me reading this, and Lolli, I'm sure you're not surprised, you saw this coming before I even did (I could tell by your last post - your insight is amazing!). But, I for one do not regret yesterday, because I learned something, and am probably less likely to drink now than I was 24 hours ago. I'm good - I'm moving on from it.

And I am still nauseous! (Please be kind!)

August 27, 2006
11:38 am
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D dog
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I think the main point of this is...I like being sober better than I like being buzzed. And I guess I had to find that out...cuz although I could sense that being sober was the way to go, my mind (my addiction) refused to believe it. I still viewed it as "a punishment", when really, alcohol is the punishment, and completely unneccesary.

I am a lot of things, but I am not stupid.

August 27, 2006
11:59 am
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loverbee
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You know, I don't post a whole lot to you but I have to say that I am impressed. I know that everyone is going to have slip ups when they are trying to recover from a drinking problem and god bless for you making it this far. I just wish my mother would get this sh** together and try what you have done. Cause at least you aren't having the drunk conversations with friends and family day after day. You slipped, you learned now continue moving on.

August 27, 2006
12:02 pm
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lovinglife
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Yep I’m still here D Dog following your story – I am the great codependent btw so maybe it might be best if ya just skim over my post : )

To say… “that I am not as committed as I once thought” I don’t agree with that. You posted what happened- and to me that shows commitment- commitment to yourself about being honest. THIS is YOUR story.

Any type of addiction is hard to break-and believe for many of us we don’t get to the point of doing what we know we need to do or what we want to do until we hit a rock bottom which brings us to learn our lessons the hard way- us humans are funny that way.

It takes a hell of a lot of strength to admit we have a problem (before we hit a rock bottom) and start walking on the road we want to be on (before we’re forced to be there). Just keep keeping on’- you’re in my thoughts.

Lovinglife/Kristine

August 27, 2006
12:16 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi D dog: Sorry to hear you drank- but I am glad of the conclusions you are coming to. I think you drank just enough to realize you don't like it anymore. You didn't drink enough to get blasted- the usual goal, right? You're thinking about what alcohol really is and what it really does. And the fact you got sick- with much less than you usually drink- speaks volumes.

Its part of the process, and you are answering your own questions. I think you're getting there.

Did you ever go to AA mtgs after the intervention?

SD

August 27, 2006
12:23 pm
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ggfred4
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D dog, don't think I have ever talked to you, but felt compelled to tell you how proud of you I am. First, NO ONE is perfect! We all slip and slide. Mine is depression, self-hatred, and overeating. It is a day to day survival and learning experience. I think you took a big step in your thinking. Again, proud of you...don't ever think anyone is disappointed in you... you just need to be picked back up...we all do!!!

August 27, 2006
12:50 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi D,

No, I am not surprised. And yes, I did see it coming a mile away. Thank you for the compliment but it isn't that my insight is "amazing"....it's that I've seen it happen enough times to know what I am seeing when I am seeing it.

Don't beat yourself up D...it's not the end of the world. And the fact that you are facing it head on is a good sign. I told you not so long ago...once you have the "awareness" it is impossible to pretend you don't. Even if you continue to try to hide it behind alcohol....a cat can't get away from it's tail. I still believe it is only a matter of time for you now.

I haven't been so bold as to say this up until this point because I wanted to be supportive and I didn't want to discourage or scare you. I have tried to be gentle and "suggest" that you go to AA and to encourage you to do this for yourself regardless of what b/f does. But the fact is this......the chances of you doing this on your own are very, very slim. The odds ARE stacked against you.

If you want to be successful, I STRONGLY suggest that you get your ass to a meeting. Get serious. Find a group. Listen. Participate. Find yourself a therapist. And stay away from your "friends".....including b/f if need be.

I am not suggesting this will be easy, but it is necessary. It is your life D.... You can choose to fly and soar with the eagles....or you can choose to ground yourself and remain stagnant. The choice is yours.

I wish you the best of luck and as always... my thoughts are with you.

Your friend,
Lolli

August 27, 2006
2:45 pm
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Shaney
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We all fall, it's to be expected. Please pick yourself up and find a meeting, is my only advice. This means YOU - asap, without waiting for those others to jump on board with you. It's comforting to have someone to do this with, but it's unrealistic to think that two people who are struggling to stay above water, can keep the other from drowning. Save yourself first, and hope that others will save themselves too. Be strong D - like I know you are!! Lotsa love to you - M

August 28, 2006
1:26 am
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Ddog,

You're going to think there's an echo in here.... but as I read your post I thought of exactly the word that Lolli used: you retained your AWARENESS through the whole episode. It's almost like you conducted an experiment on yourself, and carefully noted the results. Use that knowledge!

I'm glad you had such a big puke, too... nothing like a little aversion therapy to help things along :-0

I have never had a problem with alcohol, so I leave the advice to the experts. You've got your marching orders from Shaney and Lolli; now I expect to be reading pretty soon that you've found yourself a group. Carry on, your commitment does shine through clearly. Now give yourself a fighting chance.

best regards, kroika

August 29, 2006
9:58 am
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CAMER
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hey D dog, slip ups happen, thats how we learn, and what a learning experience for you. Hope you are feeling better today and have a couple days sobriety under your belt.

Keep us posted.

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