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D dog needs help!!
September 10, 2005
12:20 am
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D dog
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You guys -

Please help me. I told H just a few minutes ago that I could no longer deal with his issues, and that I was going to start seeing other people. He got all depressed and left.

I told him - I am worth more than than the CRAP that he gives me, I told him, I am myself, and am very happy being as such, and that I was sick of the way he made me feel, because I do not deserve that.

I want someone who is not addicted to their ex, who can love me for me,.

Anyway, he just called me, and wants me to ocme over, to his home, to his bed.

I can't do it. I love him more than anything, but...

To go now would be to continue the cycle, and the pain.

I'm the best person that I know. I need to be true to myself.

Right??

September 10, 2005
12:25 am
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D dog
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He called me, and I told him, leave your door unlocked, I will be over later.

But I can't do it!

This sucks.

September 10, 2005
12:32 am
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D dog
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Oh, and my friend who's a meth addict called me. I am SO tempted to just do it and block out the hurt.

Oh my God, I don't want to be like this!

I can't stand myself right now. This pain is stupid, and I feel stupid for feeling it.

September 10, 2005
12:54 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Ddog: Go with your gut. If you don't want to go, don't. If you do, after telling him what you did, you are telling him you're not serious about what you said. If you think you can have sex with him w/ no strings attached, then by all means, go. But I think you already know thats not true. You answered all of your own questions in your first post. Do what you think is BEST for YOU. Not him. Its not up to you to ease his pain. What about yours? Who is going to take care of you? Only YOU can do that. I think he cares about you but you're also very convenient for him. And please- forget the drugs. Nots not going to help anything. Plus you'll feel like crap tomorrow. C'mon Ddog- who's the most important here? Huh?

September 10, 2005
7:15 am
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SD -

I am back home now, just want to cry. Did a couple lines of meth, and it just made me saddder.

I'm scared! Oh, please help me. I am so sad, I could just die, if I didn't love God as much as I do I would end it all 2nite, right here, right now.

But it isn't my life to take...it is His.

Like the Tim Booth song, that I didn't want to post cuz it might be offensive, but f**k it now, who cares?

:

We co-create our own fate

Everything’s connected

God in man, man from ape

Everything’s connected

We co-create our own fate

Everything’s connected

Man from stars, man from ape

Everything’s connected

My behaviour’s chemical, nurture biological

Determined by the stars in space

Don’t rely on suicide

Meet you on the other side

It’s not even your life to take

See things from the stratosphere

We’re so unimportant here

What’s the point in asking why?

Struggle of the underdog

Too much love or not enough

We die to live and live to die

Meanwhile in the stratosphere

Houston we’ve a problem here

Someone’s cut a hole in the sky

Planet in a Petri dish

Interference hit and miss

Soon there won’t be rivers to cry

God’s pitch shift way out of time

Created an ape

Infected with the spark of divine

Mix X with the Y chromosome

One to destroy

The other tries to find a way home

We co-create our own fate

Everything’s connected

God in man, man from ape

Everything's connected, yeah.

------------------------------

I am so sad. Sorry if this post offended anyone.

D.

September 10, 2005
7:34 am
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D dog
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I can't handle this pain anymore, you guys.

It hurts too much.

It's not Harold, it's not the current situation.

It's the knowledge that my love will always be too much for anyone to handle.

Is it me, or is it life, that is so skewed?

September 10, 2005
8:15 am
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Hi D-dog,

Life is skewed, yes.....but I'm sorry to say, so are you (me, us). You say that "your love will always be too much for anyone to handle." In your current state that may very well be true. However, it doesn't have to be true.

You have a choice. You can either stay where you are OR you can choose a different way.

Your last post reminds of something that I read in one of my Alanon daily readers that I would like to share with you. It is in regard to dealing with an alcoholic but it can be used in any situation if you choose to apply it.

How can I make myself aware that my weak-kneed acceptance of an unacceptable situation is a reflection of my own self-respect? Am I a milksop, a slave, to be pushed around at the will of a sick personality? Is my long-suffering attitude going to achieve any good results? Or will it only reinforce the alcoholic (or anyone) in his belief that he can manipulate the situation to get his own way? Am I being fair to myself to allow him to outmaneuver me at every turn?

I am an indiviual with the right to a good life. I must not look to anyone else to make a good life for me; this I must do for myself. Have I decieved myself into thinking that it is my lot to accept anything life chooses to hand out to me, however humiliating or degrading?

D-dog....In AA, they refer to people being on the "pity-pot". That is where you are. Now, you have a choice.....you can either stay there or you can get up and do something about it.

I hope this helped.

Love,
Lolli

September 10, 2005
9:32 am
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D-Dog...you've got the double dose of being a co-dependent and an addict yourself (I'm assuming you are from your use of meth...that shit is some of the most addictive stuff there is and is not something to be messing around with).

Please get yourself to some meetings. Your attempts to ease the pain are not working. Seeing him only makes things worse. Using drugs only makes things worse. Doing what's right for you is not the easy way, but it is the only way to eventually break free and lead a healthier life.

Today I am battling my own desire to contact my ex and to engage in my own kind of compulsive activity to ease the pain. I found a CoDa meeting and am going to go for the first time. I invite you to fight the fight with me and find one for yourself. This site offers a great deal of support...but so will getting in contact with people in your area who understand EXACTLY what you're going through. Use them to help you get through this, not him and not drugs.

Much love and support coming your way...

September 10, 2005
12:08 pm
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Hi Ddog: Sorry I missed you again last night. I'm sorry to hear you gave in to the meth but pick yourself up, today is another day. It sounds like you are coming apart at the seams and you've got negative influences all around you. Sometimes you've got to change your surroundings and change the outside influences to get yourself on track. I think you know where you want to go, just don't know how to get there. Baby steps, girlfriend.

Can you make a list of goals- things you want to accomplish for yourself? They can include long term goals as well as short term. When I was in my deep depression taking a shower was a huge short term goal. Getting myself presentable and going to the gorcery store was even bigger. I couldn't think past anything bigger than that I really didn't want to spend another day on this planet. For me, long term goals always include travel. You work at a t a travel agency- do you have any benefits you could use to take a short trip? Get yourself out of that environment just for a short while? Take some time alone to think, papmer yourself? A weekend in Sedona maybe, or even just a short trip to visit Taliesen West? The desert is great, especially at night. Do you take time to see it and listen to it? Maybe if you try to expand your world just a little bit it will help to take the focus of what yoou've got it narrowed down to- H, alcohol, and drugs.

These are just suggestions, Ddog. I really want to help. I think meetings will help too although I can't say I've been one to stick w/ anything like that. But anythings worth a try. Keep us posted. SD

September 10, 2005
2:01 pm
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Shaney
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D? What the hell happened? You're doing nothing but harm to yourself by giving in to the temporary fix, being contact with H and drugs. The temporary fix is fine when you have absolutely NO expectations from H and the current situation. But you know in your heart - as you're dragging yourself through life with him, making excuses to yourself that the situation is fine and you have things under control - that you untimately want and deserve better. You KNOW this. You need to separate yourself from the influences that are all around you - they're a constant temptation that you're not strong enough to handle right now. The pain of a breakup isn't going to be easy - but it's going to be a hell of a lot easier than the current situation that you're in. The pain of a breakup will pass and there's a chance for a healthy future. I don't see a future with H -he's got his own issues and you have yours... not a good recipe for success in my opinion. You need to be a success on your own, and you can't do that when your surround yourself with dead weight.

Believe in yourself and your potential - I think you do, but I think you need to dig deeper for the strength to bring it out. D, we can help - trust us. Write back, I'm worried about you.

September 12, 2005
11:43 am
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Wow, I was really afraid to read these posts this morning, I thought you guys would hate me for totally breaking down like I did.

It got worse Friday night, I actually tried to break in to his apartment, ended up making friends with our security guard who walked me home and gave me a hug.

Geez, if that's not hitting bottom, I don't know what is.

H and I spent all day Saturday and Sunday together, yesterday we didn't drink at all, just layed on the couch and snuggled and watched movies. We didn't talk about anything, didn't need to, we're both in the same place with the same problems, and just clung together for dear life, life that we are squandering out of our self-hatred and fear.

So I'm sitting here thinking, what did I learn from this weekend? And is it ever gonna sink in that, yes, I am a codependent and an addict? I have to face up to that - I AM an alcoholic, I cannot drink "casually", I cannot be around drugs. The first thing my "friend" did when she came over Friday was tell me to sober up (so we could go out!) and feed me meth. Then she "borrowed" a bunch of the clothes H gave me including my favorite jeans (saw that coming a mile away). She's not a friend, she can't be while she's hooked on that crap. I have to realize that, too - she will continue to drag me down and being an addict myself, I will continue to let her. Same with my neighbor and her coke habit.

So what now? I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Wednesday (new one), gotta fess up to everything and get some decent meds. Gotta get thru day 2 with no booze (I feel absolutely WEIRD right now having not had a drink yesterday, all flakey and scared), and as for H I just don't know. I mean, I thought I was doing the right thing Friday, I had big time PMS and just wanted to break free - I can't believe how much what I said hurt him. Yeah, I had the power all right, but then of course I threw it away with booze and drugs, as always.

Yes, I've been lying to myself thinking I was cool with it all. I'm not, I've pretty much failed on all counts.

Monday, a new chance. I haven't even showered for 2 days and I ignored my cat all weekend (though I did run over several times to feed him, I'm not quite that bad).

I'm depressed, but I'm going to "buck up" today, go to work (and pretend I'm fine?), will re-read these posts, thanks for not shredding me and for offering me some hope.

Why can't I just stop this stupid pity cycle and realize that I'm lucky to have all that I have - if God wasn't watching out for me things would be so much worse.

That is what I will focus on today.

Thanks again...gotta run...

D.

September 12, 2005
1:12 pm
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Shaney
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Whoa girl. What a weekend. Drugs definitely make a bad situation worse - and then the guilt that you feel the next morning - forget it - it's never worth it. The potential for destruction is what keeps me away. I don't know what to tell you right now, other than you can start fresh. That's the beauty of having choices - start with a fresh clean slate. Right now, you and H remind me of two people in the middle of the ocean, both of you without a lifejacket, both of you holding on to the other - trying to keep your own heads from going under the water.
Kind of a scary thought.

I think you're wearing yourself out, hanging on to the hope that this relationship will get better. In the last two weeks, you've had some strong moments of clarity - some direction. But then there are the extreme lows that you temorarily fix with H's company (whatever he has the strength to give you at the time), which brings you back up for the time being. Only to crash again. Your plan isn't working out, I think things have gotten worse. You really need to separate yourself from the destrctive forces around you - a big change may be in order, for you to begin to gain some control over your life.

I'm not going to beat you up over this - it's so hard and I know it. But I'll be honest with you - you need to use your strength (that we all know you have), to get away and focus ONLY on you. Harold, the druggie neighbors... they're energy vampires - sucking your energy right out of you. You need that energy for YOU!

love you honey - Shaney

September 12, 2005
2:34 pm
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D dog,

Its good that you are going to see a psychiatrist and tell him everything. It sounds like you sourround yourself with destructuve people. I suggest you start going to 12-step meetings to help you stay sober and clean and also to make some healthy and supportive friendships. This thing with H is going no where. You stay he is still no letting go of the ex. That's enough for you to walk away. You deserve a man that can give you all of his love and committ to you. You keep telling H you are through but then keep going back. He's never going to believe you. Think about your self and what this relationship is doing to you. Its making you use drugs. That's a very bad sign. This relationhsip is on its way to destroying you. But it doesn't have to be that way. Don't worry about his feelings. Worry about your own. You can handle the pain. Lean into it and it will pass faster and not hurt as much if you invite it to come up fully while you are sober and clean. I think the first thing to do is to drop all friends that encourage you to use drugs or alcohol and go to AA and NA meetings. You will get through it all and will heal more than you can imagine if you let yourself. Its time to start making life affirming choices. Make your recovery your priority. You live without H, even better. He is not good for you. Believe it and move on.

love,
kathy

September 12, 2005
7:04 pm
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Hi Ddog: Glad to hear from you- was worried after your post Friday. Can't say anymore than Shaney and Kathy did- try not to get down on yourself for slipping- its only forward and upward from here. Sometimes you've got to get to a low spot befroe you can move up again. I know your heart is in the right place- its just getting the rest of you to follow it. You'll get there- it just takes time. Take care, SD

September 12, 2005
7:35 pm
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(((((Sweet D Dog))))))

I am so proud of you honey. You rock! You are on your way to recovery and healing. I can see the potential!!!!

XOXOXO~Ras & Kitty~

September 12, 2005
11:10 pm
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Shaney
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Hope you're having a good night D!

September 12, 2005
11:52 pm
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I am. I had dinner and hung out with my cat. He is SO SAD - he really missed me this weekend!

I haven't had any alcohol and I am going to go to bed early. I think there's a good movie on Lifetime tonight.

I'm kind of depressed, but okay. I hate sleeping without H. He is so warm and affectionate...not talking about sex, just being close.

He did call me tonight...casual chat, "I'm tired", "Yeah me too," etc.

I know, I shouldn't even be thinking about him in those terms, but here I am, by myself and sober so one step taken. Can't remember the last time I went 48 hours without a drink.

Anyway, if I can't sleep I'll be posting later...pretty tired, though, and my cat needs a snuggle.

Thanks for your message!!

D.

September 13, 2005
12:10 am
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((((((((((d dog))))))))))), I think you know what your problems are and what ou need to do, I'm sure there is nothing I can say to help. I can really see our pain and how tightly you feel locked to this means of coping. have you concidered soemthing more aggressive? Like Day treatment? Or regular drug tests? I'm so sorry that you are struggling now, and for everything with H...addiction to a person can be jsut as powerful as addiciton to a drug, I know.

Have you reached out to any family, been completely honest about everything? Sometimes addmitting your struggles helps you to accept them and really see them in their fullest negative light, sets you free a little, puts you back in control of your life. And family can surprise you by being the best support system out there.

September 13, 2005
12:14 am
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Shaney
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Glad you're hanging in there. It'll get better D, just give it some time. I'm going to attempt to go to be right now too, but might be back. M is irritating me, so we'll see. Blessings to you D - stay faithful and I'll say a prayer for you, my little chocolate donut with sprinkles on top - I think God will know who that is 🙂

Can I say God in here? I don't need another scolding, so I'm retracting that last statement.

September 13, 2005
11:44 am
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D dog
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Tuesday morning, going on day 3 of "NA"!

H called me back last night, he wanted me to come over for the pork chops. So off I toodled (as soon as I settled down with my Lifetime movie my cat left the room and ignored me...typical male!). H. was drinking wine, and I actually DID NOT HAVE ANY! I had a Safeway Black Cherry soda instead.

Ya know what? I was thinking about this yesterday...I haven't even bought a non-alcoholic beverage in so long (besides mixers and copious amounts of spring water for hangovers), that I don't even know what I like anymore! I'm trying to remember what I used to drink pre-booze, but that's a reach back to childhood...iced tea? lemonade?...and of course, the all-time favorite, Welch's grape juice. (With a box of Cheezits after school...whoa, I can see how I moved on to be a wine and cheese fanatic!) What do you non- drinkers out there enjoy?

Anyway, H. was having an anxiety attack, heart racing, mind going nuts, etc...hence the wine drinking. I'm wondering if these are his primary symptoms, why did the doctor prescribe an anti-depressant? Why not Xanax or Valium or something of that ilk? Frankly, I think he has ADHD, but I'm not a doctor, not for me to say. Still, I suggested that he see a proper psychiatrist instead of an MD. He was like, "I've been f*d up for long...you shouldn't be with me. I'm not good for you. I'm not good for anybody." Instead of placating him, I just stood there and looked at him. Then he goes, "Aren't you going to be mad at me for getting drunk?" and I was like, "Why would I want to do that? To make you feel worse about yourself than you already do?" And he was all grateful and hugged me and said, "I really need you right now!" (He didn't mean sex, was aware that I am currently bleeding like some type of slaughtered farm animal, he just wanted me there). A codep's favorite phrase, huh?

Funny, I was taking off his hiking boots before we went to bed, and I thought to myself - "Hey! I'm going to REMEMBER this tomorrow!" And not only that, but I was kind, and intelligent, and witty...he even said that I'm fun when I'm sober. It was really one of the coolest evenings we've had in ages. (The pork chops were divine - that man can really cook!)

So yeah, I'm aware that the codep part of me is still hangin' in there, but damn, not being drunk and just being "me" felt so incredibly good! I do realize that my issues are first and foremost right now. I need to stick to this sobriety thing, I have a good feeling about it...just like, if I'm not "buzzed", the rest of my life is going to be a lot easier to handle, including my addiction to the H man. Lying next to him last night, my mind wasn't going, "OMG! What if he doesn't love me?", it was more like, "Well, this is nice, how lucky is this guy??"

Maybe he's realizing that too.

Well, it's only day 3, but I'm not going to flush this progress down the proverbial loo...it's time to build on it and grow. And I agree with all above, H and I may not have a future together, but if I continue to focus on me, I trust the HP to sort out the rest.

Time to get ready for work - again! - I'm sure I'll be posting again after work when the big time booze craving hits (as I know it will for awhile). Thanks all for being there..cyber AA. It really does help, I promise not to let you all down again...

D.

September 13, 2005
8:22 pm
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Hey D.

Good for you for staying sober 3 days. It may not seem like much to those without a problem but I, for one, think you deserve an "atta girl."

As for what to drink.....get addicted to coffee like the rest of us recovering alkies. I'm not sure but I think that's actually part of the "program".....

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol....

Step 2: Came to believe in a Power.....

Step 3: Became addicted to coffee.....

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless.....

LOL... 🙂

Keep up the good work.

Love,
Lolli

September 13, 2005
9:02 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there D - Thinking about you and I'm hoping today is going well for you. Three days - good start. Maybe you might attend a meeting - just don't wait until the neighbors jump on the wagon before you go yourself. I know you once said that a couple of you were going together - but make this your fight, and your ultimate success - you will sicceed, I know you will. I have faith in you and your ability to make your life work.

I'm going to M's parents house tonight for a belated bday party for him. I'll check back later - see if you're talkative tonight. Take care - keep on truckin and may the force be with you ... ha! :o]

September 14, 2005
11:25 am
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Morning, guys.

Last night went fairly well, but I had 2 (large) glasses of white wine with dinner. Shrimp and broccoli alfredo. Damn. So I say to myself - yeah, but it was only 2 glasses! I didn't get drunk! I can handle it, right?

Wrong - cuz last time I quit drinking I was "on the wagon" for 6 months, and the "just a glass or 2 of wine with a nice meal" is what threw me back off. That's always how it starts with me, it's my favorite excuse to jump back in there. Yeah, I'm a crafty one with my "drug of choice".

Problem recognized! Red flags waving frantically! Psychiatrist appointment today at 12:30 - yay, just in the nick of time.

Anyway, spent some time with H last night and had a long talk about how "lost" he is, from an objective standpoint. He was like, "I haven't been good for you, have I", and I replied that from a relationship standpoint, no - he doesn't have anything to offer me at this point in time, but that he has been somewhat of a mirror for me and my own troubles, and from that I have been learning and am doing better. He told me that he thinks I'm doing really well, better than he is (I was drinking club soda when he came over, he was astonished). He was asking me how I've been doing it, and I told him it was because I have been seeking help, and taking steps - I have this site, my friends (there are a few who are not addicts), and also the motivation to go see a professional...I'm making an appointment for him at my doc's office when I'm done with my session, he has agreed to go.

So I'm helping where I can. It's funny, now that I'm just "being me" and not pressuring him for a relationship, he has really been "opening up" a lot more about himself and his feelings. I guess I wasn't put in his life to be his partner after all...just a soul mate who can maybe make a positive impact, and then move on...arrgghh, I hate to think about the "moving on" part...but - a lot of people here have posed the question - can 2 codeps recover together and make it work? I'd have to say no. (But I'll keep ya posted!)

Have a great day, everyone!

September 14, 2005
3:15 pm
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I disagree. Certainly two codependents can recover together and make it work IF both people are equally committed to each other and their personal growth. If they share common relationship goals and seek out help. If they are both willing to do the work. It also takes maturity and willingness to take personal responsibility.

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