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D dog Blog - Wednesday
August 23, 2006
9:37 am
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D dog
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Well, the toast incident has passed. Was extra sweet to BF last night...the pasta was a huge success, chunks of ham, loads of cheese - perfect comfort food, great for PMS. Feeling less stressed today. I REALLY felt like having a drink when I got home last night, but of course didn't...the N.A. St. Pauli saved me.

It's weird how much easier work has seemed since I quit drinking...I mean, it makes sense, as I'm not hungover every day...I've also noticed that I am a lot NICER to other people...way more talkative and outgoing...I didn't expect that. I don't know if it's just cuz I feel better physically, or if it's because my self-esteem has - maybe? - risen a bit. The difference is rather dramatic. Kind of like being on cocaine, but natural. (Sorry for the drug reference, but I don't have many analogies for feeling good!)

Lolli - did your self esteem change when you quit drinking? I mean, did you feel "happier"? About yourself, I mean, not just about the improved quality of life...again, I really didn't expect to suddenly start liking myself - it's a totally alien feeling, and I want to trust it, but it's weird!!!

Damn, how sad is THAT last statement? LOL!

I think that has been the single best thing about being sober. All the stupid embarrassing crap aside...it's just so good to be "present". Does that make sense???

August 23, 2006
9:45 am
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CAMER
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way to go D...and yes, i bet your self esteem is rising cuz you keeping going on each day with no drink...and the longer this happens the more your self esteem will build.

Keep up the good work & your doing a great job on your sobriety!!!

August 23, 2006
9:52 am
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D dog
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Thanks, Camer! Friday will be the 2 week mark...never thought I'd make it this far. The "one day at a time" thing really does work. I still feel like fainting when I think of never being able to drink again (it's too devastating to even contemplate), so I just don't think that way.

Like it said in the book I read, "If I'm an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink. If I'm NOT an alcoholic, I shouldn't NEED to drink."

Makes sense!

:o)

August 23, 2006
10:39 am
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Congrats D!!!

I think the "high" you are feeling right now is PRIDE! You should be full of it! You are doing something that you thought you'd NEVER be able to do and you are doing it WELL!!!!

Stay PROUD!!!

TC

August 23, 2006
10:54 am
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My H stopped (at least took a break) only 3 days ago. I am sure he will drink with the friends at the lake this weekend, however, and I'm already dreading it. We cannot cannot cannot afford this little trip but we are both so "hungry" for a vacation.

I think you're right about liking himself more.....but I've seen it go from feeling good to euphoria and then to "Hey, let's celebrate with a beer" so quickly. I wish I had the right words to help him want his sobriety more. This morning he said our son who has been so angry with him might bring his boat to the lake and join us, and that both our sons have said they would mind our dogs so we didn't have the boarding expense. So my H seems to be mending his ways and getting some really quick rewards.

I absolutely do not trust him. I know he wants a drink, because he "darts" dirty looks at me...this morning he was struggling with his cell phone (he spilled something on it like 3 weeks ago and hasn't gotten it replaced yet) and asked to use mine. Before I knew it I was saying I don't really need mine today, and he just snatched it up and was out the door.

He's good. He's loveable. He almost always gets what he wants. We all love him and no one wants to come down hard on him. We want to forgive him.

He is so much sharper. So he is taking back some responsibility on the job. Yeah, it's all good. I just don't trust him not to cycle down again.

I would not go to the wedding and block party with him last weekend. Some famly were going to be there, and I was just too embarrassed to be around another drunken "show". I want some dignity in my life at this age. I pretty much yelled this at him the next morning. Demanded he knock it off.

He has stopped drinking for the 6 weeks of Lent every year for about 10 yrs. Eats right, does yoga, drinks a lot of detox tea -- incredible amount of effort in not letting go of alcohol. He has never said he will quit for good.

Why am I telling you all this? Because of the fear that it is only temporary and it will all start all over again. It feels so fragile, and I am praying about it every day.

Every time I pray for him I pray for you D Dog. I know you are young and can gain so many more happy years from letting go of alcohol. It sounds like your support system is awesome. I love your attitudes and I'm sure you are so fun to be with.

Stay on your wagon, and start redecorating with plush cushions and all the limo accessories so it's the coolest ride it can be.

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