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D dog Blog - Thursday (7)
August 17, 2006
10:26 am
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D dog
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Wow, day 7 already! Stroganoff was good, didn't overeat and had a peach for dessert instead of Hagendaaz. Good, size 3 jeans should still fit! Need to get my hair trimmed and color it...I bought a cool Feria color the other day, Midnight Ruby (bright auburn black)...it's dark brown now, so that should spruce it up a bit with some red highlights.

BF still hasn't consumed any alcohol, he's doing well. The driver from Saturday still hasn't picked up his keys (he's been using his spare set)...BF has offered to bring them to his house (which is pretty far from here), but driver has been putting it off. Yesterday BF bought him a gift certificate to a nice restaurant to give him with the keys...he's definitely not laughing this off. I don't think his brother has called him at all either, which is unusual as they talk 2-3 times a week.

Again, I feel bad for BF cuz I know how he feels, but this is actually a good thing; I think it's helping to keep him sober this week. Plus the fact that I'm not drinking. I really hope he doesn't do the "it's Friday!" thing and launch into booze 2morrow. He may not - I say this cuz the week of my birthday back in July, we both were sober Monday thru Thursday...on my birthday which was Friday, neither one of us really felt like drinking at that point, having gained so much ground during the week. But, I invoked the birthday excuse, so we did. But I think barring that, we would have made it.
My bad. (I hate that phrase! It is so grammatically incorrect and bordering on arrogance, it's really a pet peeve of mine! That, and "Cool beans." Arrrrgggh!)

Anyway - Non alcoholic wine? Really? That would be awesome - I mean, I've tried the grape juice/club soda idea; but to have the whole ritual of the wine bottle and the glass...that would be cool. I'm going to look for that tonight. One day, the ritual will no longer be important; but right now it still is. It's the "reward" complex.

Reachingout - you're on day 3 now, right? It does get easier after the physical withdrawal...I've heard it takes a good 48 hours for all the alcohol to be processed out (when you're like you and me and pretty much pickled on a daily basis!), glad you could sleep, that was a factor for me, too. It gets easier, then it gets worse - where I'm at now...when you start thinking - and this is the fatal relapse thinking: Hey! I went this long! I'm good! I can handle a couple drinks!

No! I've done that before, and it sends me right back to square one. Because - it re-activates that little addiction-center in my brain...and man, I don't want to have to repeat those 48 hours...now that I'm over the shaking, mind-racing, jaw-clenching, teeth-grinding stage. Now it's all psychology. Now is when I'll need the most support. Now is when I should look up an AA meeting.

Anyway, gotta get ready for work...again. Luckily it's been slow, so I'm getting a lot of reading done...

Will check in with you guys 2nite, and as always, thank you so much for the support - without it I'd be hungover today for sure!!!

Love you guys -

D.

August 17, 2006
10:34 am
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sdesigns
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Hi D dog: I've been on vacation for a week- and I am glad to come back and see how well you are doing!!!!! Keep it up. I know you can do it. Did you go to AA? Just curious. You've got such a good start going and I hope you can stick with it.

BTW, cranberry w/ club soda or 7 Up is good too.

Whats the situation w/ the bf? Are you going to stay there now?

SD

August 17, 2006
8:11 pm
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CAMER
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day 7 D.....keep up the good work, and take it one day at a time, you go girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 17, 2006
9:33 pm
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D dog
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CAAAAR ACCIDEEEENT!

Yeah, on the way to work this morning. There I was, cruising along in the right lane on the I-10, when suddenly, CRUNCH! Some dude in a fencing company truck changes into my lane and takes out my rear quarter panel.

Dammit!

I pulled over, and so did he (luckily), got his insurance info, blah blah blah. It was his fault, so it won't cost me anything to have fixed, but still! Geez! All those times I've driven home buzzed from the bar and nothing happened, then this! LOL!

Anyway, I was pretty zen about it - I think the dude (who looked like Cheech from Cheech and Chong) thought I was gonna be pissed..but, nah. What can ya do?

Anyway - bought some non-alcoholic wine, and I can sum it up this way...at first sip, nice on the palate, but finishes a bit like vinegar. It would be good mixed with some olive oil and tossed with romaine lettuce. Still, though, after a few sips, it's pretty good. It's weird seeing a wineglass on my desk...kind of scary. I am so NOT jonesing today.

That book I bought? Drinking - A Love Story? Halfway thru it, and it is the single most insightful book about alcohol that I have EVER read. It really gets deep into what being an alcoholic - versus just a drinker - is really about. And man, I am definitely an alcoholic! But - I am not depressed by that fact. I am just glad that I'm normal.

No, that's not an oxymoron...I AM normal, a normal alcoholic and not some weird freak of nature. There are many people like me. I'm now actually anxious to go to AA so I can TALK about it to people like me...to share. I no longer feel shame for my addiction - shame for some of the things I've done while under the influence, yeah - but not for the condition. It exists, it is real, and it isn't my fault. My brain responds to alcohol differently fom people who can have "a few", people who have a shut-off switch when enough is enough. I don't have that switch. Never have, never will.

Wow, that non-wine went down really well...grabbing another...okay, back. Ya gotta figure, after drinking wine out of a box for a year and a half, how bad can it be, right? LOL!

Anyway, today has been an eye-opener, and I really recommend the book to anyone seeking to understand alcoholism...the author's last name is Knapp...it's paperback, got it for 10 bucks at Barnes and Noble, near the biography section. I see so much of myself in it...the reasons for drinking - the hiding from emotions, the social issues, the denial, even the drunk dialing is covered - LOL! Can't wait to finish it and see how she recovers...at one point she defines alcoholism as, simply, "fear of life."

Pretty much. But with the way people drive out there, who can blame me???

August 17, 2006
9:52 pm
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Hey, D dog. Glad to hear you're thinking about AA. Proud of ya.

Re: driving and not drinking. Count your lucky stars that you weren't drinking when that guy hit you. If you had been drinking- and even thought the accident was his fault- you would still get nailed for DUI. Its not only that you're taking a chance while driving drunk and hitting someone- you're also taking a chance that someone will hit you while you're driving drunk and you get caught. I've heard plenty of stories about that. i know you probably aren't drunk when you go to work in the a.m., but just something to keep in mind for other times. I've even heard of people getting DUI's while on a bicycle.

SD

August 17, 2006
10:12 pm
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D dog
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Oh, that's where you're wrong...I have been drunk driving to work in the morning - still drunk from the night before! People get nailed for that all the time, too.

In answer to your question about living with BF - yeah, I'm still here, for the time being...we seemed to have worked things out, but who knows? I'm not really thinking about it right now, just focusing on staying sober and exploring my OWN life for a change...what he does is up to him.

I can tell ya this, if he doesn't stop drinking, he WILL f**k up again, I'm sure of it.

So we'll see...

August 18, 2006
12:12 am
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D dog,

Way to go on day 7. I am glad you are looking into yourself and figuring why you drank so much in the first place. I did the same thing. You will start to feel better and better by the day-well bad days do arise from time to time. I can't believe I am almost to 6 months with no wine. If I can do it, you can do it. I feel like I have nothing to hide anymore and I don't hold the same shame on my shoulders as I used to. Just curious-do you have any type of mental illness at all? I got diagnosed with bipolar when I quit drinking and that had a lot to do with why I was drinking. To try to cope with the mood swings when in actuallity it made things worse. Gotta go now. Congrats on day 7 and soon to be 8. You go girl!!!

Jewel

August 18, 2006
8:02 am
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reachingout
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Morning
I don't know if I am suposed to move along with new threads or stay on the same one. But anyway I'm on day 4.
2 glasses of tropical water and slept pretty good.Now it's Friday a little worried I think I want to go home tonight and clean my verticals but I think about sitting home alone again on a Friday night so depressing wish me luck it's only 8:00 am this is where my brain is SO SAD.But as long as it works who cares

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