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Cutting the Apron Strings at Last
December 1, 2003
6:02 pm
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bel
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Well the title says what I want and need to do but doing it is the hard part. I know I have to get out of my situation its having the courage to take action that I need. Having to live with the consequences when I do take action and being strong enough to accept it.

December 1, 2003
6:11 pm
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mj
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Hugs Dear Bel 🙂
What a catchy title.....

December 1, 2003
6:40 pm
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Ladeska
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So what's the "action"? Lay it out here. What are the things, one by one, you need to do?

December 1, 2003
9:07 pm
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Ladeska
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She's having trouble leaving her situation and becoming independent and quite frankly - free of abuse.

December 2, 2003
12:33 pm
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bel
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Ladeksa I don't have a plan yet, I cannot do anything until I have the money. I have told my son that I plan to move with my mom and sister once they are ready to leave their living arangements, that could be 6 months to a year. I can probably rent a room in the meantime if I have to. Its me there is always something to stop me from taking action.

December 2, 2003
1:07 pm
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Ladeska
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Then I guess you have to figure out why you do the self sabotage thing, huh?

What do you get out of all this, Bel? Seriously, ask yourself the question because the fact really is - you DO get something out of it - or you would be renting a room somewhere by now.

That's the part of all this that no one really wants to own. You do get a "cookie" here, a reward of sorts and yes, it can be quite poisonous and very bad for you but - you still look at it as something worth having.

Sometimes it's as simple as - you believe you deserve this kind of abuse and with that lie firmly planted in your being.....then since lies always need to be fed - because they are lies and they can't live on their own - so you constantly have to water and give them food in order for them to remain active.......which means that - you have to keep affirming that these lies are truth.

Thus the reason why people stay in bad relationships of any kind - they have to feed those lies and get enough coming at them that says SEE???? You really aren't worth anything else because see what keeps coming at you???? See what you keep getting for all your hard work and attempts at putting a hole in this brick wall by throwing your body against it repeatedly? SEE?? You ARE bad then, aren't you? See what you get for all your good deeds?? You just get slapped right in the face for it, don't you? Then that's what you deserve, isn't it?

Yea, yea....know that little self critic. She's a real nasty little piece of work, that one.

But this would be the "cookie" or the reward so to speak. The reason why you keep putting yourself right out in the middle of traffic and yet saying all the time - please don't hit me cars......and yet - um, you're in the middle of a busy highway....soooo....you're going to get hit, right?

But if you believe that - you deserve to be hit - then.....yes, you'll go right out there, profess that you don't want to get hit but all the time self sabotaging yourself anyways and being the one who seals your own fate.

So...it's time to dig deep here, Bel and not just flit around on the surface. You've done enough of that now. Worn a good path going round and round in circles, time to get on your hands and knees and start digging for these roots.

December 3, 2003
11:11 am
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bel
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You think I self sabotage? I don't look at it that way. I guess I feel that if IM not around they will fail and end up on the street. I do not like being treated with disrespectful at all, sometimes I feel I die a little each day with the hurtful things IM told.

I really can't move yet as all three of our names are on the lease for the rental for two years. We moved in the house in June of 03 so I have some time left.

I know now there is a no win situation here, my son refuses to help him self and wants the jobs to come to him or for us to find him one. He also has legal problems now and has not done what he was supposed to so now he says he is playing a waiting game until they come for him.

So what can I do??? Not much...but run away from home every now and then. Thank God for my mom and sisters.

December 3, 2003
2:44 pm
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Ladeska
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What you can do is - plan for June. And in the meantime, just don't be around as much as you are now. Go to your sister's house and your mom's house. Go back and forth. Don't spend weekends at home. Just don't.

And maybe they do need to fall flat on their face. What else is going to teach them anything? You can't enable this behavior anymore by letting them use you like this and that's exactly what they are doing. As far as your grandson is concerned - document stuff, from work - regarding his wellbeing. If he's not being properly taken care of or abused in any way - then you can do something about that if need be.

But one thing you can definitely do here is plan for the future and stay gone "more" than you are now. And is there anything you like to do that would get you out and about? Anything that you haven't tried that you'd like to? You need to get some pizazz in your life. Something that interests you, motivates you and is just plain fun! Any ideas?

December 3, 2003
3:51 pm
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bel
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Lakeska I just was thinking of staying away from home as much as I can. The only thing is I have my cat and she is always in my room as she does not trust anyone else except maybe my grandson, I guess he can watch out for her when he is there.

I love to go to Book stores and just hang out, I like to go window shopping or sometimes just people watch. I love the beach and I can drive there its only an hour away. I just hate to go by myself far away. I know that stems from my ordeal when I was kidnapped that I dont trust many people and dont like to be alone.

But one thing I did today is I wrote my son an email telling him exactly how I feel and how much he hurts me. I did tell him I have plans of moving as soon as IM able so he better get out there and get his job lined up because I wont be there to help them anymore. It was not an angry email just matter of fact and I did tell him how much he hurts me and that I cannot believe he treats me the way he does. So see what happens but I know I do need to move.

If he gets a job and they dont hold me to the lease I will plan on moving as soon as possible.

I will keep you posted.

December 3, 2003
3:54 pm
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Ladeska
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Well the other thing Bel is...another possibility here...if you could actually live somewhere else, still pay on the lease, your part or whatever but actually live with one of your sisters or your mother, just for six months.... I know it would be asking alot of them because you couldn't pay them - if you are paying your way out of this situation but couldn't they do this for you? You could help out around the house, do the cleaning or whatever and help them in that way. Then you'd keep the lease, but be out of the situation. Would that work?

December 3, 2003
3:58 pm
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bel
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Well I guess it could work but I would have to sleep on the sofa. My sister already has a houseful and I hate to impose on her. She has always told me her home is my home but she already has her son and daughter and their families living with her so they are cramped. Same with other sister she has her two daughters and their families with her as well.

If a possiblty does come up I will try and grab it.

December 3, 2003
5:17 pm
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Ladeska
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Okay...understand, just keep in your mind though, that would be an option. Maybe a friend who has a spare bedroom, who could use some help with the housework and cooking maybe. You never know, until work the rubic's cube, ya know? Have to keep at it until something gives.

But definitely - get out of the house more than - what you are doing now. And don't expect much from your email. I don't think the dog is going to change his spots here. If nothing else - he'll just get more pissy with you.

I learned a long that after awhile - with some people, you just have to what's best "for you" and forget trying to convince them of squat or try to change their mind or behavior. By doing so - you just give them more bullets to attack you with. You just have to conserve your energy "for you" and let them do whatever. Become more of a shadow figure and just lay low until you can see clear to get out. Otherwise, stay gone as much as is possible.

December 8, 2003
2:01 pm
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bel
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Well if my son read the email he is not saying so, but he has been somewhat different the past few days.

He has been more respectful to me and considerate. I have been staying away as much as I can but then I went and got sick and had to stay in bed for a couple of days but he was very nice and concerned and made sure I had anything I might need, like 7up, tylenol and so on. IM alot better today and back at work so see how things go this week. I am Thankful for the nice week I had last week even though I was sick.

His gf is working two jobs so she is gone alot of the time so I am sticking around to at least make sure the kids are okay and fed but he also is taking that obligation very well and doing a good job.

Thats it for now.

Bel

December 8, 2003
2:21 pm
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Ladeska
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Well that's GOOD Bel!! Good enough for now, you'll take it, huh? Maybe that email did make him think about things. Would be nice if this would last, huh? But any peace is better than none at this point. Sorry you were sick though... At least he was helpful and considerate and looked after you. GOOD!!!

You were assertive and it paid off!!

December 16, 2003
4:07 pm
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bel
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This is an update to my situation.

My son has been doing part time work with a friend doing cement work. To me that is a big step forward and he also let the boss know he is open to any other job they may have in the future.

When he is not working part time he is starting to make dinner for us when we get home from work all we have to do is wash up and eat. He has been doing the wash and yes even the dishes. It has been really nice lately and I pray it stays that way. My son is really trying and I am so Thankful and Greatful for all he does and I have told him so.

Bel

December 16, 2003
4:19 pm
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mj
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Sounds like your son is making progress.

December 16, 2003
4:48 pm
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tooscared
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I'm happy for you Bel. I also pray that things continue to get better for you and your family. Love, TS

December 16, 2003
9:11 pm
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sosos
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Bel- That's absolutely wonderful!!! He must feel so good about himself, that will only make him want to continue this way. It's great to hear this.

December 17, 2003
11:51 am
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bel
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Sosos thank you and IM very happy that you are in a relationship and that its on your terms.

thanks everyone.

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