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Cutting problem 2
January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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TJ1457
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Hey
everyone. i already posted a thread before " Cutting problem." As i
said, i have talked to the school counsellor about my cutting
problem, but now i stopped going to her and i lied to her and said
that im done with cutting. i still cut and i dont feel comfortable
to talk to anyone. some of you wanted to know my story, well im a
13 year old girl. The cause of my cutting is probably my parents. i
have 2 sisters. My parents always stick up for them and defend them
and they always ignore me, like i dont even exist. Once my parents
messed up their words and said that they had 2 daughters instead of
3. It really hurts me and so i cut to relieve the pain. I tried to
stop quite a few times, i would usually stop cutting for like 5
days, then i give in to the urges and cut again. I lost my ability
to cry. pretty pathetic, right? I really want to stop and today,
only today, i cut 36 times. please help me. i have no one to talk
to. another thing, most of my close friends have been ditching me
lately. i need you people, help me.

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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Watermoon
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Hi T
- I don't have experience with cutting.

I go numb/ try to
feel better with eating food instead. (btw- this doesn't work
either).

Life is hard. You
are a human being and are experiencing how life is hard and you are
trying to cope - survive life - by cutting. .... trying to get in
control by cutting.

All humans do
something like this to deal with how hard life is - whether it is
watching TV for 18 hours straight, looking at porn on the internet,
drinking, taking drugs, eating, whatever.

Our natural
inclination is to try to 'leave' the place that feels uncomfortable
to us.

Do you have anyone
- a friend or an adult - who you trust enough to be your real self
with?

Because to break a
pattern like this you really need to get out of
isolation.

my 'addict' self
LOVES for me to be alone and feeling lonely... it LOVES to get me
alone so that it can basically molest me in the corner with a box
of crackers. Not kidding here.

How I have worked
to break my pattern with what I use to check out is to try not to
isolate. To have someone who I trust who I tell exactly what is
going on with me.

you could use this
place to do this... to not isolate.

But calling a
friend to 'break' the pattern would help too.

basically, the
need to cut will be like a broken record for you... y ou will go
there again and again because it has made you feel better when you
are doing it but afterwards you feel bad that you did it... it is a
self-fulfilling cycle... you feel bad, you cut (you think you are
feeling better when you cut) and then afterwards you feel bad and
becasue you are feeling bad you cut again...

as much as
possible try to be present with your true feelings too.

If you are feeling
sad/angry about your parents, try to jsut express THAT... write
about your sadness or just have a really good cry in your pillow...
just to cry / express it.

Love and care for
yourself. There is less than a half of a percent of a chance that a
fetus will be conceived. The fact that you are even alive and able
to articulate your human experience is like a miracle.

You have important
things to do with your life and you are worth it.

Love and care for
yourself - love yourself.

I wish you freedom
from your suffering.

-watermooon

January 2, 2011
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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((((TJ1457))))

I am so sorry that
you are experiencing this. I am the black sheep in my family too.
It hurts a lot, but it also gives you a chance to develop skills
that will make your adult life more meaningful. Because I learned
in my childhood how to be me even when no one seemed to like to
care for me, I now live a life somewhat free of the need to follow
anyone but myself. Its not really an easy life, but when I look
around at everyone elses life, I am coming to the conclusion that
life isn't easy. The sooner we learn to embrace that and instead of
trying to make it easy make it meaningful and full of experiences
important to us. So as much as you feel life is painful now, turn
that perception into an opportunity to learn to cope with the pain
so you can grow from it and not succum to it in a negative way.
This is something that anyone who works toward this will tell you
is not easy but well worth the rewards.

Back to the cycle
you face of feeling bad, cutting, feeling bad, cutting as Watermoon
describes. I agree with her advice, you need to reach out and get
support. What happened with your counselor? What do you need to
feel better without cutting?

Sending you
strength, comfort and lots of love.

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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TJ1457
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January 5, 2011
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Thanks. i cant talk to anyone. i already told you, my friends
are ditching me and i dont have any trusted adult to tell. i have
to get rid of this on my own. by my self. all alone. about my
school counselor, i stopped going to her. im scared she was going
to tell my parents.

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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Watermoon
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Hi T
-

Well, coming here
to be out of isolation with it can be a start.

You'll get support
here.

Maybe your
practice can be when you are feeling bad, to come here instead of
going to the cutting.

Come here first to
seek support.

-watermoon

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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adventura
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TJ,
you practice your addiction in isolation and that is usually the
case. You do not want your parents to know how much pain you are
in. Whatever you need to do to deal with your pain, please just
don't stop talking about it at least here. Your friends may be
sensing from your emotions that something is hurting you and that
you are in pain, but they might be afraid that they cannot help you
so they are withdrawing. Come back here and write to me or anyone
you feel comfortable with. When I was younger I also had a very
difficult time of things and in my parents home I repeatedly hurt
myself. Not by cutting, but I also hurt myself physically. Is there
even one person in your life that you really trust to tell this to?
I am going to pray that you come back here whenever you feel
unloved and alone. I am going to pray for you to get healed from
your suffering and that someone wonderful will come into your life
that you trust with all your heart that loves you and accepts you
just the way you are. Just please believe me, you do not need to
hurt yourself anymore. Love, Adventura

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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Watermoon
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Hi T
- Practices that help me:

Meditating or
praying - just 5 or 10 minutes at a time - doesn't have to be long.
Just being quiet and listening to your breath for a few minutes.
Trying to do this daily is extremely helpful.

Also, writing
(everyday) 5 things you are grateful for. The 5 things can be small
or big. (e.g. I'm grateful for how cute my fingernail on my left
index finger looks). Basically, whatever it is that you 'do' you
will create for your life.

If you 'do'
gratitude - make this gratitude list everyday as a practice -
eventually you will find that you have created a life that gives
you things to be grateful for.

The same goes for
anger/ bitterness... if you 'do' anger /bitterness, you will create
a life that 'gives' you things to be angry/bitter about. So, try
not to do anger.

Make what you
actually 'do' strong and good and eventually you will find that you
have a life that is strong and good. This really is how it
goes...

Love and best
wishes, -watermoon

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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tryingtoheal..
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Hey
TJ1457,

I'm 16 and I've
been struggling with cutting for years. I went almost a year and
then relapsed. I cut yesterday. I understand how addicting it
is.

I'm sorry that
everyone has been ditching you and that your family ignores
you.

some of the things
that have helped me are definitely talking to people when I feel
like cutting. Just come on here and vent. It may not stop you from
cutting, but it will at least delay it. and the more you vent the
longer you will put off cutting.

Its all about
distractions. anything to get your mind away from cutting will
help.

if you don't mind
me asking, where do you cut, and with what?

You can also try
putting ice on the place you cut. it numbs it and it releases some
of the same chemicals. and also snapping rubberbands on your wrist
can help prevent you from cutting.

Just by coming on
here and talking, you are showing that you are courageous and
strong.

(((hugggs)))

January 4, 2011
12:00 am
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TJ1457
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January 5, 2011
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watermoon: Thank you. i'll try to come here. adventura: thanks
for putting me in your prayers. i will for sure put you in mine.
tryingtoheal..: Thank you so much. If you want to know, i cut my
wrist and sometimes legs, with a razor. Im sorry about what is
happening to you. if you dont mind me asking, what is your story?
you dont have to tell me if you dont want to though. ps. you are as
old as my older sister. thanks again!

January 6, 2011
6:23 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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TJ1457, I don't mind sharing my story. sorry if this post is really long.

 

From 3rd grade to 5th I was sexually abused by a man who was like family. So the abuse happened for three years. He was over my house usually every otherday and then I spent time at his house too. He's an excop and was very involved in the community so no one ever thought he would. Basically everyone trusted him. He became a father figure to my sisters and I. (My parents had gotten divorce and my dad moved to PA).No one knew that he was molesting me. The only reason he stopped molesting me was because my Mom had been dating this guy, who is now my step father. So the more my step father was in the picture, the less the asshole was.  I was afraid to tell anyone. He had threatened me and I didn't want to hurt my family.

By the end of 7th grade, I still hadn't told anyone. I tried to burry it inside of me and just move on. But the Burden of trying to deal with something so traumatizing made it impossible. I ended up telling one of my best friends who promised not to tell anyone.

In 8th grade I started cutting as a way to cope. I had so much built up inside and it felt good to finally realease some pain. But cutting wasn't enough. So I started smoking cigarettes.. but only once in a while.

As I went into 9th grade, I had started smoking weed, smoking cigarettes more often and cutting. I ended up getting introuble with the law and at school. That set me back on the right path. I stopped smoking weed ( i didn't use for almost 1 1/2 yrs), I stopped smoking cigarettes for a few months, and I stopped cutting for a couple months. although Not smoking cigarette didn't last long.. now I'm very addicted and I still go through a pack everyday or two. I struggled with cutting a lot. I would cut then not cut for a few days, then relapse. I use to get so mad at myself. But then I realized that even every minute  that I go without cutting is progress. By 10th grade I drank occasionally. 

The end of January last year, I finally told my therapist that I had been sexually abused. Then we told my mom and I had to go to the police. And all that fun stuff.  I cut throughout the whole proccess. It was terrifying. 

 

over the summer he pleaed guilty and is now spending 16 yrs in prison. I partied a lot over the summer... drinking and smoking weed.. so I was cutting less.

 in the past couple months I have been struggling a lot. I have been getting really bad flashbacks. One night they were so bad that cutting didn't help at all. so I ended up snorting ativan and more the next day. I overdosed and i was sent to the hospital to get my body flushed out.

 

In the past two weeks, I have only been sober four days.  I was drunk everyother day and sometimes I was also high. I'm to the point that I don't ever want to be sober because I can't handle reality. So when I am sober, I cut.   I have lost the ability to control myself.    

But I am working on getting better. For two years I've been seeing a therapist who I really like. and Next week I am starting an Intensive outpatient drug rehab.

 

Sorry it's so long

T2H

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