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cutting issues came back to haunt me again and this time i couldnt resist~goddess
January 31, 2005
12:17 am
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goddess
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hey, as some of you may know from the last entry i made "suicidal thoughts won't go away". well, a couple weeks ago my friend called and was telling me about her great weekend with all of my ex friends including my ex best friend for over 3 years, seth. i got off the phone and went downstairs to watch tv and even though i wanted to cry soooo bad i just couldnt and that is why i used to cut (to let my feelings out and to release all of the tention, stress and pressure). well, as you can probably tell by the thread name, i gave in. i just couldn't help it. it was like 2 am so i had no one to call and vent to and i just couldn't cry. so i went to the bathroom and got one of my dads razors and next thing i know i am sitting on the floor with a towel on my wrist and it hurt worse then usual. well, now it has been several weeks and if anyone grabs my wrist to hard it hurts really bad and now i cant quit crying. the scar is starting to go away a little bit but i still cover it up every chance i get since i am so embaresed that i gave in again. what the heck should i do???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!-goddess

January 31, 2005
12:25 am
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mariposa melancolica
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Hi Goddess, sorry to hear you hurt yourself. i´m new to this site and have no experience with cutting. However it´s something that´s crossed my mind once or twice when feeling very depressed and in emotional pain. All I´ve found that helps in those times is praying. Do you believe in anything, a higher power? It´s incredibly consoling and a tremendous source of strength. How about professional help, like anti-depressants? Hope you feel better, Mari.

January 31, 2005
12:35 am
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goddess
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mariposa melancolica,
hey, thanx for the advice. about the believing in a higher power thing, i guess that i do but lately i have been getting into alot of trouble like drinking and smoking and stuff like that. plus, my dad has told me in the past (several years ago) that he wished i was never born and then more recently he said that i never give anything to the family all i do is take and then i have really low self esteem so things just suck. i wish that i could get help but i dont know if there is a way to do it without my parents knowing and if they found out i wouldnt get help i would just get in trouble for it like i did last year and i wouldnt get help. do you know if you can get anti deprssants without your parents knowing?

January 31, 2005
12:48 am
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mariposa melancolica
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Hey Goddess, don´t know how old you are but probably still in school right? Do you have a counselor there that you can go to? Those things are usually confidential and they can´t tell your parents about it without your consent. besides, your parents should not be mad that you are seeking help, they should be supportive of this. And about you not giving to the family, well, they are the ones who brought you into this world and they are the ones who have an obligation and responsibility to give to you, and not vice-versa. They should be mature enough to be helping you with your problems, that is why they are the adults. You are alive and that is a miracle in itself, and if others, even if they are your family, don´t appreciate that, it is their loss. Don´t take your self worth from the opinions of others, the only opinion that matters is your own, how you take care of yourself and view yourself. So make an effort to find some help with a school counselor, or a local health clinic. you know doctors have to by law keep any patient info confidential.

January 31, 2005
1:29 am
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goddess
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i am 15 and i am homeschooled. i wish that i had self worth but since nobody believes that i am worth anything i cant help but think why the hell am i on this earth then. i have no way to get the doctor because the only people i have to give me rides places is my parents and nobody knows about this except for the people on here~ goddess

January 31, 2005
1:49 am
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on my way
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goddess, what about your mom...an aunt? anyone you feel close to? a guidance counselor at school, a teacher you can trust, a friend's parent to help you go to your parents? Honey I am so sorry you are not feeling well. Waht about writing a letter to your parents, or one of these other people if it is too frightening to talk to them? If you were my daughter I would want to get help for you,,,you deserve that. You are worthy, and you can beat this. Is there a church, youth group you can get involved in, do you know anyone your age who is involved in a good church? Anyone of these people may help you, but you have to ask, so ask ok? You know tha you can't stay in this muck without help. And, do not ever, ever beleive that you are not worthy ....just becasue God made you, you are worthy, if for nothing else, ok? love and hugs darlin, omw

January 31, 2005
5:24 am
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opal
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goddess,

I have cut myself in the past, multiple cuts on both arms and hid the scars with long sleeve tops, it happened over fifteen years ago, when I was thirteen. Two scars still remain, but it is the emotional scars that cause the most damage.

I had always been unable to talk to people about how I felt, and felt like I had no one who could understand, felt guilty because I had done it, and woried about the way others would see me.

I wish I had gone to a counsellor back then, only now, being older, I realise there are many people in this world that hurt the way I used to hurt, I felt isolated, but now I see cutting is unfortunatly common, especialy around girls your age.

I urge you to talk to someone, you don't have to go through this alone, in the meantime, when you hit your lowest point, go outside, go for a walk do anything that will take you away from your surroundings, you will be amazed how much just going for a walk helps, it helps me, and it has stopped me from cutting anymore, because there are times now when I feel a need to do it, but now I just go outside and focus my mind on something else, not all the pain that is building up inside.

supressed emotions are sometimes the strongest emotions, let out the sadness you feel, maybe start a journal, write of the things that hurt you, let it out in anyway you can, before too much pressure builds up inside.

January 31, 2005
9:01 am
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fishstock
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I'm really saddened to hear this.I have a 15 yr old daughter myself. To think of the pain you must be going through to want to hurt yourself for relief.

When I ws your age, drugs were my choice of pain relief. I probably overdosed several times and for the next 10 years or so, I lived in the streets of NYC and finally became a heroin addict. I almost died. I almost died andYET, my parent didnt love me!

Now, I'm clean and sober 12 years and although it has not been easy, I look back at those years and I fel so sad for the child, that teen. I wish I could go back in time and give him the love he needed. But I cant. i do OK today though and I am truly grateful for the principles of the 12 step meetings.

I'm grateful for all the self-help books that I read that helped me to feel that I was not alone and helped me towards a path of recovering what was lost as a child.

I heard someone say an Aborignal (spelling?) that says:

When a child is abused (mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually) their soul leaves their body. If theyre lucky, they can spend there future trying to get it back.

Goddess, you're name says it all. Treat yourself as such.

January 31, 2005
1:43 pm
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goddess
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hey everybody, i wish that i could tell someone but i don't think that will do anything. last year when my mom found out about it, i wrote her a letter to tell her and after the letter that was it. it never came up again. i go to church but we had some problems there in the past and i always feel like everyone is judging my family and i non stop. i tried to figure out what to do last night but i cant think of anything. lately, i have been getting into smoking and drinking. i used to be into popping pills (od'd several times) and snorting pills on top of smoking and drinking. so i guess that i kinda recovered. i just wish that i knew who to turn to and if i should go on anti depressants like someone mentioned on here or get counceling (i don't know how i am going to get the anti depressants and i have no way to go to counceling). my parents don't get that i not only need the help but i want it and i dont know how to do this without my mom. please help~goddess

January 31, 2005
1:58 pm
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addicts wife
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sweet goddess,
I feel for you. Ive done all kinds of things to myslef in the past, becasue I was in so much pain that i was numb, and beside myself.. doing these things (somehow) brought me back in my own head.
I stopped somehow, by well, probably the tattoos, an piercings, but Since you have no outlet, like school, Istarted going for LONG , long walks.. I'd bring my "empowering Music, and head out the door and walk off all my frustrations, numbness, anger, or whatever. Sometimes Id bring along a sketch book, or notebook, to sit and write/draw or scribble it all out once Id walked for a bit.. it helped.
I worry about my steo son , who is only 7, showing signs of AAD/adhd, and he hits himself hsrd in the head when he struggles with homework, especially math. So I ususall just have him take a break, and just stop, but Im not sure what to do (effectively) about it, since we only have him part time..

January 31, 2005
4:13 pm
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goddess
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i am so sorry about your son. i am actually thinking about getting one of those tredmills and then i can just stay in my room, put on a pair of headphones and walk it off since that seems to be what alot of you recommend and i dont have any other outlets like you said. thank you everyone for your advice. if anyone can think of anymore ideas about what to do PLEASE, let me know. anything at this point will help.~goddess

January 31, 2005
4:20 pm
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on my way
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honey, dial 411 ask for a crisis hotline number. When you get that number call it. Tell them how you feel and if they can direct you to another number where you can at least have some intervention for help. If your parents won't listen,and I can't believe your church won't, what religion is it? Call another church, try a Baptist church in your city...tell them your age and that you need help...because you do.

January 31, 2005
4:27 pm
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goddess
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thanx, i think i will

January 31, 2005
4:59 pm
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whitelight
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Hey goddess,
Like the other women and moms here, I'm reaching out to you with love and concern.

Back in HS, I had a close friend who cut her wrists. She did try to hide it, but I think the fact that I knew about it was a sign that she DID want someone to see. I was not old enough to know what to do.

At your age, the emotions of relationships and friendships are very strong. It can be such a painful time...young people can be so cruel to each other.

You cannot see it now, but most of your friends, and certainly your ex friends, will not be any part of your life in a few years time. You will have a whole new circle of friends that will evolve and change as you travel through your life.

Please, my young sister, find the ears that you need to listen to you. Make that call or visit your school counsilor. You are a precious young adult--on the verge of a whole new life.

January 31, 2005
7:29 pm
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goddess
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thank you so much whitelight. i wish that i had someone with the ears to listen but it seems that i only have people to see my posts and type back. i might call the hotline but i dunno if i wanna do that or look into anti depressants. i will hopefully figure it out soon. i will post when and if i start to feeling better or make up my mind on what i am going to do

January 31, 2005
10:22 pm
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whitelight
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(by the way, Hon, why would anyone grab your wrists? This bothers me. Is someone being rough with you?)

January 31, 2005
10:55 pm
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addicts wife
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Goddess~
Since you said you are homeschooled, does "someone" come and check on things in your state????

I have used 411 on numerous occassions, with numerous different reasons, and they have ALWAYS been NON judgemental, very resousceful, and informative... at least thts been my experience in my state....
My thoughts and support is with you.

January 31, 2005
11:55 pm
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whitelight
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Oh, oh, oh! I get it. I had to read thru your posts several times. The other issues seemed so much bigger that I just skipped over the parts about you not having a ride and not knowing how to get counseling without your mom's help.

Ummmmmm. Hm. I don't know... Do you use public transportation? Do you live near bus lines? I used to ride the bus all the time at your age (my mom, a single mom, didn't have a car.) I imagine that Social Services in your area would offer free counseling to someone of your age. And of course, my earlier suggestion of seeing your school counsilor does not apply since you are homeschooled.

Which make me wonder, how did you meet your friends? Are they from your neighborhood or church? Some churches have the resources to offer counsiling and/or support groups. However, depending on how big or small your church is, you might want more privacy about your issues.

My thoughts are with you.

February 1, 2005
12:03 am
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on my way
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goddess, honey you should not have to figure this out on your own, you need support. Please don't be scared, I really think that it is time to aggressively pursue some support for YOU. The hotline is anomyonous, just like these threads. You deserve to have help, be loved, BE PROTECTED, and to be taken care of. Keep talking here too okay?

February 1, 2005
12:27 am
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goddess
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i met my friends through friends that i knew last year wen i was in school and i meet other ones when i go stay with my old friends in a different town. dont have a good church to go to. i live in a small town that the only bus transportation you see is to get you to school and back. and no, no one comes to check in on things. my mom works at a school though so yeah. oh, and whitelight, wen i said that people grab my wrists i just meant that when like me adn my brother and/ or brother in law would mess around and fight they would like twist my arms and put them behind my back and stuff but we were always just playing.

February 5, 2005
10:42 am
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addicts wife
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Goddess... are you here??? thers a thread posted that I think could really use your input.......

February 5, 2005
4:13 pm
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addicts wife
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hope you're doin ok today, goddess... just poppin in to say hello

February 5, 2005
9:22 pm
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on my way
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hey goddess, how are you doing today?

February 6, 2005
12:28 pm
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You are so young and have such a wonderful life ahead of you! What are your goals? Do you want to go to college? What kind of impact do you want to make on the world?

The people that are giving you drugs and alcohol are not your friends. They are on a path of destruction. Don't follow that path.

Dream brightly!

February 6, 2005
12:59 pm
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addicts wife
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Hi goddess... hope you are doing well... Thinking of you today.
(((((HUGS)))))

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