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Cutie14 update...2
November 2, 2000
11:23 am
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Cici
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Cutie, you should really try writing in a journal. I wrote scads of poetry during my angst-ridden teen years and it really does help a lot. I also have an anonymous online journal that I write in that is a great outlet when I have an issue that I don't feel comfortable talking about.

November 2, 2000
5:58 pm
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Molly
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Cutie no wonder it is hell when you don't know who to trust, and I think that it is ok to confront your mom on this as a way to start the healing. She may not be aware that you were aware and hurt. I think that Cici's suggestion is great. Writing is a really good thing, I do it, and as a matter of fact have a publication of poetry my self , who knows what you will discover, it is also a good tool to see where you were and where your going. Keep up the strength.

November 3, 2000
11:22 pm
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Cutie14
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I do write a lot of poetry, just to let you know...um yeah, I love to write and read poetry I think that it is so beautiful, even the depressing pieces (that I usually write). Thank you for the suggestion anyway:)

Cutie14

November 6, 2000
9:26 pm
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Cutie14
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I haven't cut in 10 days!!!!!!!!! I am so amazed! But i really really really want to, not cause bad things are happening, just cause for some reason I love to feel the cut, to see the blood come rushing out. I don't know...I mean I know that is really bad..and I don't think I'll ever do it again...I just keep getting "flashbacks" and the feeling of the adrenaline rush going through me, I don't want to start cutting again, but who knows, maybe once wont make a difference...

Cutie14

November 7, 2000
5:40 am
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dont cut. its not good. pleaseeee. get some help for god sake. what are you doing to urself? just once DOES make a difference...
sigh.. i dont know what to say. how can we stop hurting ourselves? i harm myself the same way, by wasting my time, and doing bad on myself by ignoring what my body says to me. like how i am addicted to this computer. its bad for me i know. but what to do. but atleast i'm not cutting myself. i havent been able to understand why people cut. cutie dont cut please, get some help. those wounds will leave marks and they will make you feel regret later. you are destroying your own beautiful body. dont do anything which will cause u regret later. wish the best of luck.

November 7, 2000
6:48 pm
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Cutie14
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I have to be totally honest with all of you, I am really sorry to have to tell you this, but I cut this morning... really deep too, it has been bleeding all day on and off! Talk about a bad move on my part. I am getting help, but I guess it isn't helping! I have written a lot of poems today, and I have only told 5 people about me cutting, but somehow 10 found out! Man oh man! I just don't know anymore...I quit confirmation again, and I feel like dieing again, great! What a day! I just can't take this anymore, I am sorry for me wining all the time, and I am probably not going to write to this anymore cause I feel bad, cause I am making others feel bad, and that is the last thing I want to do!

Cutie14

November 7, 2000
8:00 pm
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sorrel
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Cutie, your not getting the help you need. Guilt about it won't help you. Why are you worried about others, start worrying about yourself. I do not cut or injure myself pysically, Like guest I injure myself in other ways. I did know a lady in the hospital that cut the way you do. She really hated herself, and only felt relief by cutting herself. Please continue to post to the board!!!!!
At least we are someone to talk to.

November 7, 2000
8:55 pm
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yes cutie, we are here to help you. we understand you so dont think we'll get tired of you or anything. i want to help you as much as i can. i wish i could do soemthing to help you. find out about how to stop cutting, its basically connected with your mental pain. you do the physical pain so that it covers the mental pain inside you because that mental pain is greater. thats what i read. so u have to focus on healing urself. i know its hard to do. but what have u been thinking about it? what do u think you should do? tell us about ur counseling experience. and like sorrel said, keep writing here, it might help :). good luck to you ... lots of it. dont worry, it will be fine.

November 8, 2000
6:11 pm
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Molly
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Cutie your not doing what you need to do, you spend to much time with nothing, and no positive feedback, you have been given suggestions, and still seek attention. Perhaps you want to go to the hospital that your friend went to. Stand in the middle of the house and scream, stand in the middle of school and scream, but the knife and cutting does nothing but leave a mark, and give you a rush. You can get a rush from screaming and it leaves no mark, and yet some one can hear you are in pain. You quit the classes, why was it to positive, could you not relate. Read the books, Cici suggested, get off the computer, and do some thing good for you. I started to post last night, and cancelled it, I too have run out of things to say, and wonder if our posting invites your dwelling in more of your misery, this is not where you should be, this is not supporting your growth, you are resistant, and it is not healthy. Do part time work for an architect, just do something else, it must happen for things to change. Good luck to you.

November 8, 2000
6:13 pm
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vr
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Sorry to intrude, just need to get a message to Deb. Tried to email you c/o earthlink, didn't work. My emails the same. Valli. Try me.

November 12, 2000
10:38 am
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Cutie14
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I think I have figured out one of the things that make me feel like dieing! The thing is.......my ex boyfriend! You know, the one I always got upset over. Well he is still suicidal, and he is really bringing me down with him, last night and the night before, I was just fine until either I was talking to him on line or last night when my friend 3-wayed him, well I didn't say much, but it pissed me off, cause something about being on the phone with him, or just having any contact with him, made me want to either cut, or kill myself! it was really freaky! But i didn't do anything like that. I have just decided that I can no longer be frineds with him if I want to get 'better'.
Cutie14

November 14, 2000
3:25 pm
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VMELLY
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HELLO ARE YOU ON LINE NOW? REPLY RIGHT AWY PLEASE. THANK YOU. I WOULD LOVE TO CHAT WITH YOU.

November 14, 2000
7:06 pm
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Cutie14
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ok, now I am online
with aol instant messanger my sn is
SHORT N SWEET NA

BYE
CUTIE 14

November 14, 2000
8:21 pm
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JoJo the Bunny
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cutie.. i think there is perhaps something that i would like for you to understand.. and i would like for you to close your eyes and try to understand this.. becuse i feel that understanding is very important..and perhaps it is the key to solving alot of probems.. i would like for you to close your eyes and picture a jigsaw puzzle .. and in this jigsaw puzzle.. holds a picture that you do not know until you finally put the pieces together.. picture this for a moment. i'm sure you worked with jigsaw puzzles before so you should understand..
now think about this.. in life.. everything is a jigsaw puzzle.. your life..your mother .. your family ...your boyfriend and yourself.. the air you breath. the world you live in.. . is made up of a jigsaw puzzle.. and you will never come to understanding the complete picture of life until you solve your jigsaw puzzle..
i feel that your life right now is a scrambled puzzle and you are having alot of difficutly putting the pieces together.. therefore you do not understand the real hidden pictuer of yourself and the world you live in.. understanding yourself is very important becuase if you do not understand yourself... you will never understand why you are unhappy or happy.. or confused .. or angry.. or hurt .. you will never come to understanding this becuase your jigsaw puzzle is left unsolved..
try thinking of a math equation .. .. have you ever come across a math equation that you feel like you can never solve? and it fustrates you? until finally when you do solve it.. you feel a sense of relief inside you.. i feel that you are at stage where you are very confused about yourself. you dont know why you do the things you do and you just do it anyway without reason.. and sometimes you get completely fustrated because it may lead you to being unhappy..
cutie.. you have left yourself an uncomplete jigsaw puzzle and perhaps it's time that you should sit down and try to put the pieces together.. you dont know what wonderful secrets lies inside you.. and you'll be very suprised once your puzzle is solved..
so .. how do you come about solving this puzzle? easy...
ask yourself.. what pieces fits with what pieces? what pieces are right? what pieces are wrong? is being happy with your life the right piece? or is it the wrong piece? is cutting your self the right piece? or the wrong piece? place them all together.. make sure they fit perfectly. and if you have trouble fitting the pieces together.. then please.. dont keep it to yourself. let us help you piece it together.. and once when the puzzle is fully solved.. then you will fully understand yourself.. will you give it a try?
Every morning when you wake up.. ask yourself question about yourself.. how do i feel today? do i feel happy? or do i feel angry? and why? keep on on asking yourself a question and try to answer it.. and if you can't find an answer.. come to us.. and we'll help you answer it.. share your life with us.. tell us about your family..yourself. your boyfriend and what you like to do.. dont solve the puzzle alone.. dont be alone.. we are here and we speak to you.. we are just like you and you are just like us.. so please. dont feel like you're alone .. speak out to us.. show us your world.. show us who you are and what you are.. so that we can understand you and you can understand yourself better.. do you write journals? share it with us. share us your happiness and your woes.. we would love to hear about it..
next time when you are angry.... or when space aliens come to abduct you .. or when you feel like cutting yourself.. before you place that knife upon your skin.. stop for a moment and think about us... come and ask us if it's the right piece of the puzzle... if cutting yourself is the right piece that fits in with the rest of the jigsaw puzzle.. please give us a chance.. we all care about you.. and we would like to solve the puzzle with you..

November 16, 2000
4:50 pm
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Cutie14
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WOW that was deep! thank you for the advice. I am really haveing a bunch of horrible days all in a row and it is really getting to me. g2g
bye

Cutie14

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