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Curious- men vs women
October 16, 2004
9:26 pm
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sdesigns
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We ladies here all spend an awful lot of time telling ourselves and each other that we have to spend time alone after a break up to get to know ourselves, treat ourselves better, etc. Why, oh why don't men do this? Why do they just flit from one female to another like a bee pollinating a flower? Is that it? They just HAVE to copulate to survive?

October 16, 2004
9:33 pm
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Anonymous
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Oh Lord Sd....

God let me think on this one...I'll get back to it. Excellent question!

Sunny 😉

October 16, 2004
9:40 pm
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lam
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Hi sd,

That is a great question and gee, I have no idea why. Every guy I know just moves from one to another after every breakup, no matter the reason for the breakup.

Except, I do know one guy who started dating before his divorce was final. His ex had cheated on him for 2 years before he caught her (after 14 years of marriage) and he said he dated so soon b/c he was afraid. As much as he knew she caused the major injury to the marriage, he was afraid that he wasn't attractive enough, good enough or worthy enough anymore. He dated before he was really ready to, said he didn't want a serious relationship so soon but needed to find out if he was still attractive and desirable to someone. That's about the only other perspective I can think of at the moment. 🙂

lam

October 16, 2004
9:49 pm
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silence
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Umm. I don't know. I don't even know how to answer that one.

October 16, 2004
11:17 pm
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art angel
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Good question- my ex started dating a girl 2 days after we broke up (after almost 2 yrs together) which hurt me beyond belief. I hate that it ended like this.

October 16, 2004
11:33 pm
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sdesigns
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Mine had 2 lined up before he left me- didn't even bother to tell me he left. I had to call him after about a week of no phone calls to confirm it. Then he had a selection to chose from.

October 17, 2004
12:59 am
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SweetAmanda
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Guys suck! =( *pouts*

October 17, 2004
1:03 am
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jewel
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I think the reason guys get into a relationship so quickly is so they don't have to deal with the pain and the lonely feeling that the break up has caused. Us women seem to went to heal and have time alone until we are ready for a new relationship. I think that a lot of guys are hurting inside. However, they just don't show it or ignore it and hope it will just go away. Just my thought on this subject.

October 17, 2004
9:02 am
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dvhenge
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hello people,
Well I'm a guy and I can't speak for all guys but right now I'm trying to get over someone by taking a break from her, but not from my life. However that being said I'm definitely not ready for a serious relationship. I agree that guys who just jump into a new relationship probably aren't ready, but I've certainly seen plenty of women do this as well including the one I was with. I have been given advice to work on myself and others have told me to just date so I get to see that there are great women out there and that I'm not with her anymore, sort of lessening my brain's power to only think of her. People grieve in different ways and some are better at it, but everyone has to grieve. Everybody hurts, and if they don't they either were'nt as into it as us or are stuffing it and it's going to build up inside of them, I've definitely done this.
I made a date with a woman for last night and she cancelled and to be honest I was disapointed but relieved as well. I know I can't fully give myself right now even to a casual begining. But I'm starting to see that by putting myself out there and at least meeting people I'm taking back the power that I gave her. I can't/won't stop living. And yes if I sound strong and optomistic it is because I'm doing the "fake it til you make" thing. I'm in a lot of pain yes and I miss the "good stuff" but I won't alow myself to forget the bad stuff which has seemed to grow since it ended. Now that I've broken off contact I can try to start putting that stuff behind me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life on this. Maybe that is stuffing it but life is short and if we aren't meant to be than I just want to stop feeling bad and move on...easier said than done. I have found some of myself on this site and learning and am taking steps to change the behaviors and beliefs that put me in trouble. Right now I have to focus on what I'm doing, find myself, what makes me happy, and when that happens I'll be in a better place and go from there...sorry to ramble on.

Peace,
-DV

October 17, 2004
9:17 am
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hook
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The fear of being alone without a physical partner caused me to have someone ready to use on the side before terminating a steady relationship. My guilt and shame for using people was justified internally inside due to a bad childhood.

This cycle ended when I became dedicated to one relationship which has now ended. When those feelings or attempts to continue that pattern arose, I chose not to. The pain of the break up or abandonment is so bad it's very tempting to use women again.

The tables are turned and it's being done to me by me ex-wife. I know how horrible those woment felt. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy.

October 17, 2004
10:23 am
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bubishi76
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WWWWWWWHHHOOOOOOOOAAAHHHHH,
Com'on everyone. Let's not put all guys in the same pot. Let me tell you that I had a better than 4 year break between my last girl and the one that I have now. I didn't even take a girl out to as much as a movie. I was hurt and didn't want to put myself in that type of situation. Let me tell you what I think the problem may be on average. In most cases, the girl allows the guy to continue certain behaviors that are not conducive to relationships. That is probably what makes the relationship end. Regardless, the fact is is that the guy typically doesn't "lose" himself. So the recovery time is shorter. I'm sure that if you think about it, you will all be able to think of a girlfriend that had short recovery time because she was the alpha in the relationship and didn't bend at all. Here's the thing that people often forget, In relationships you do have to change a little to find balance with the other person. If you don't do this, then it doesn't work. The problem starts when ONE person does all the changing and that is where you "lose" yourself. When you are the only one putting anything into the relationship, then you will be the one with the longer recovery time. Typically, it is the girl with the longer heartache, but know that there are exceptions to this. I know because I've been there.
~Bubishi~

October 17, 2004
11:22 am
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Hi Dv and welcome!

You said you were taking a break from her. Does that mean you are still considering getting back together? Your post also stated that you are kinda faking it to make it. That's a really hard thing to do, but it seems you are on the right track. If you can continue to be optimistic that's also a good thing. How long has it been since the breakup? That affects everything also, IMO. And yes, everyone grieves in different ways.

Best,

Sunny

October 17, 2004
11:48 am
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Worried_Dad
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sdesigns,

I'm not sure that is true.

October 17, 2004
12:00 pm
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Anonymous
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SD,

Ok...Here is mine just from my own experiences. I can honestly say that any long term relationship I was in, after the breakup none of the Men went immediately into another relationship be it one night stands or a LTR. On the contrary, both of my ex hubbies have never even dated anyone much less remarry. So I don't think that this happens in all cases. Also in the case of my most recent breakup, I'm pretty sure that person is not even thinking about seeing someone. Just my 2 cents...

Sunny

October 17, 2004
12:19 pm
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CAMER
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hi ya'll....this goes both ways, i do know men who don't run into another relationship after they break up, but then I do kjnow some who do, they basically get into a relationship, sex and all really quick, maybe just to feel wanted and needed. I have to agree with some of the guys above, not all men are the same, some wait, some don't....I myself, used to be like that, I'd have men lined up the day I broke up with my bf's, and that was just to cover up the empty lonely feeling inside. I truely beleive a healthy relationship needs time to heal between breakups otherwise you are just bringing emotional unfinished business right into the next relationship if you jump into too quick.

October 17, 2004
12:22 pm
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Its great to hear from some of the guys. I don't think I've ever met any like the good guys on this site. SD

October 17, 2004
12:35 pm
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Yeah that's definitely part of it. I told my ex I was glad I didn't have one of those that I had to take care of ALL of the time like he did.

October 17, 2004
2:41 pm
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dvhenge
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Sunny,
it's a complicated story (like all of em) but basicly it failed. We were'nt even together long but I'm not even sure you need to be. It's been long enough that I should be more over it. Basicly we kept sleeping together after and telling each other we still felt the same way but trying to be friends (I know I know). Then she slept with someone else and I was confused and thought I wanted to be back with her. Sort of tried that, nope. Then she tells me she's in love with someone else and maybe still with me. Then she moved out. We tried to stay friends but she wanted more from me as a friend than I was able to give, advice on the new relationship, sitting in her lap, etc. Not doable. So I asked her not to contact me and she contacted me twice, saying she was worried about me. Finally we had a fight over email and talked on the phone and cried and I asked for "a break". I don't have any more energy for her on any level right now. All gone. I thought about what you said about my terminology and you are right, I guess in my head part of me still loves her and wants it to work, it just doesn't. No trust, bad communication, etc. I keep saying I need time to heal so I can be friends with her but at this point I guess I don't know if I ever can or even want to. Someone told me I can't and I guess at this point I'm thinking that way. The problems we had before are still alive, and how can I have some superficial relationship with someone I felt so much for. It's like a CEO quiting and being hired as a mail clerk for the same company.
sorry I just needed to talk, -DV

October 17, 2004
3:05 pm
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I've done both myself, waited two years to get into a relationship because I was licking my wounds from being dumped (first time) but dated like a maniac the whole time. I think its just different strokes for different folks. Right now I know I would not be able to jump into another relationship, only because I doubt my judgement and don't trust anyone with male genitalia:). But other times I was able to jump in because to me the relationship was dead and I was over it when I broke up with them. I had already cried, vented etc and just was emotionally ready to move on. Just my two cents:)

October 17, 2004
5:17 pm
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dvhenge:

So well put my friend. I see myself very much in your shoes. I can refer to your cause.

I need time to heal. Speaking as a man, yes I think Jewel cracked it. We hide our feelings, try to put a brave face on things, but hurt just as much inside. It may be a masculine, macho thing to prove to ourselves that we are above the pain, by jumping to the next relationship, sex, etc.

I have been tempted. Attractive, strong personality woman, but reminded me too much of my ex. Why do I attract these woman. Women from unstable backgrounds, strong personality, very assertive.....maybe it´s the character traits I am missing and wish to have.

To cut a long story short, I have been 3 months separated from my ex. Have been tempted by the forbidden fruit, but my mind is in control, I know I would be deceiving myself, I have to recover ME.......it´s more important than proving to myself I will not be alone or that I can make it with another woman. Ok, I have desires, etc....but who doesn´t.we are only human after all.

CAMER, you are spot on as usual. Yeh!!!!!

I also have a lot of excess baggage with me at the mo´.........not right moment for me yet. Have to sort me out first, be comfortable/happy....then we´ll see. But yep, missing the S**! But mind over "matter" wins this time Ha,ha

City

October 17, 2004
6:35 pm
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DV,

I can relate! Thanks for answering and hang in there! We are all here to help and support one another.

Keep posting!!

Sunny

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